"Unconditional love really exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It's not 'I love you' for this or that reason, not 'I love you if you love me.' It's love for no reason, love without an object." -- Ram Dass
++ C H A P T E R | F Ø U R ++
Practice was just as terrible as lunch. Brent didn't approach him, not with Natasha sitting on the sidelines, but Elliott could feel the glares following his every move. He'd just about had enough of it, but there was nothing he could do. Brent was twice his size and very frightening. He could pummel Elliott in a second.
Coach was blowing the whistle and yelling at a freshman, but Elliott couldn't seem to focus on that. He was focused on Natasha, watching her talk with one of her friends. He was engrossed with her red hair and her blue eyes. She was so painfully beautiful. She wore cute little outfits and was always peppy and cheerful. There was just something about her that made Elliott wish he could be her. Wish he could be so carefree and happy all of the time, with a hoard of friends and surrounded by praise.
"Keep your beady eyes off of my girlfriend." Brent hissed in his ear, causing Elliott to jump in surprise. He wasn't surprised he'd gotten caught staring at the redhead, but he was certainly afraid of what Brent would do to him.
"Yeah. Okay. Sorry." Elliott scuttled away, embarrassed that he'd been caught staring. He wasn't even looking at Natasha in a romantic way - more like in a longing way. But, he didn't blame Brent for getting possessive. Natasha was his girlfriend, after all, and he knew Brent was probably very much in love with her. Elliott would be defensive and possessive too if he had a girlfriend.
The little interaction had Elliott staring off into the distance for a moment, and he squinted his eyes when he came across a woman standing in the baseball field, directly across from where practice was being held.
Elliott's throat closed. His heart momentarily stopped beating. His eyes refused to blink.
There, in the baseball field was mother. She was wearing the same outfit she always wore: a dress with a perfectly white apron. Not a drop of blood in sight.
She was watching him. Elliott couldn't tell if she was smiling or frowning, but Elliott didn't want to know. He felt the fear pulsing through him as he stared at mother. She was here. She had found him effortlessly. And now, she was going to take him back.
Coach blew the whistle. "Elliott, pay attention!"
Elliott looked at coach, noticing that the other team members were in formation, waiting for him. They snickered at Elliott, who frantically got into position and looked back towards the baseball field.
Mother was gone. Almost like she'd never been there in the first place.
Elliott's heart was thumping in his chest. He could feel a panic attack not too far away, and he felt like he was going insane. Was mother actually there, or had he hallucinated her?
The rest of practice ran smoothly. Brent hadn't said anything else to him, and no one bothered him. Plus, he'd pleased coach, and that was always a bonus. The sooner tryouts ended, the sooner things would die down. People would leave him alone. People would respect him.
Adrian was waiting for him at the school entrance, Mat beside him. Both looked overly tired and worn out, which wasn't surprising to Elliott. He too felt the same. But, he'd been trying so hard to lift the burden off of their shoulders that he hadn't realized his own sullen mood had dragged the others down. Plus, he knew Adrian was angry with him for the whole lunch affair, and they had yet to talk about it. And probably wouldn't say a thing until they were home and Mat was out of hearing range.
"Ellie!" Mat smiled when his brother spotted them. He knew better than to call Elliott that, but the nickname had always stuck with him, despite his brother's hatred for the name.
"Mat," Elliott warned, slinging his bag over his shoulder.
Mat ducked his head and sighed. He wanted thing to get better, but he knew things were going to be like this for a while. He'd grown up with this family dynamic - with his brother's upset and his mother on a hating spree. His mother didn't typically hurt him physically, but she didn't really like him, either. She didn't like any of them, but that didn't stop her from wanting to keep them close forever.
The three walked home in silence. Elliott was tired from practice and worn out from dealing with everything himself. He didn't dare say a thing about mother to his brothers. If she had been just a hallucination, it wasn't a big deal. Adrian was still upset about earlier, and Mat didn't dare talk, not while his brother's were in such a dismal mood.
When Elliott entered the kitchen, Anna was standing there talking with a older boy, probably a few years older than Elliott himself. He was tall, with wheat colored hair and pale green eyes that stared right at Elliott as he entered the house, sizing him up. The boy was strong and covered in muscle, and immediately Elliott thought he'd done something wrong. He thought maybe this boy was here to punish him, like mother always had. He felt the panic and the fear overtake him, and he cowered away against the wall.
Adrian was right beside him, rubbing his back and telling him that everything would be fine. Adrian had seen his brother go through this many times before. Elliott's panic attacks were few but often enough that Adrian knew exactly what to do.
"Oh my, Elliott what is wrong?" Anna nearly cried, coming over to check on Elliott, but Adrian motioned her to move back. He knew Elliott wouldn't want her to touch him, or to even think about him. Besides, Anna knew she wasn't supposed to touch them - it freaked all three brother's out.
"He's having a panic attack. Ellie used to have these a lot at home, usually when mother-"
"Mat." Adrian warned, cutting his brother off. Anna knew that the boys were abused - it was hard not to connect the dots when they arrived covered in scars and bruises - but she didn't know everything.
Mat bowed his head again, embarrassed that he'd upset his brother.
Elliott could barely breathe as he remembered everything his mother put him through. He could remember her nails digging into his neck, her smile that promised pain. He could remember her laugh, the one sound that haunted his nightmares.
"Elliott, there is no need to be afraid. Look, Mat is happy." Elliott didn't want to look, but when he did, he wanted to do violent things to his mother. Mat was crying and his body was stuffed in a sailor suit, his hair cut short and his eyes rimmed red.
"What did you do to him!" Elliott was furious.
"Nothing, just took him out shopping. Do you like his outfit?" Elliott knew she'd hurt him some how, but he couldn't figure out how he was hurt. All he knew was that mother was responsible for the wailing toddler.
A few more gurgles from Mat and Elliott realized what was wrong. "He's hungry. That's his hungry cry." Elliott knew this by heart due to the fact that he was usually the one who fed Mat. Mother usually left Mat in Elliot's care, despite the fact that Elliott was only seven, almost eight years old.
"I know. I've been punishing him by starvation. Until he learns to stop crying and defying me, then he will eat. But for now, he's fine."
Elliott couldn't even begin to understand what would make mother starve Mat. "When was the last time he ate?"
"I don't know. Monday, perhaps."
Monday had been four days ago. Immediately, Elliott felt the anger well up inside of him at the fact that mother had been abusing Mat this way. This was worse than all of the scars Elliott possessed. This was worse than anything Mother had ever done to Elliott or Adrian.
"You must be joking! Go feed him, please! That can kill him!"
"I know. I'm teaching him a lesson, unless you want to take away his pain. I can enforce his punishment on you."
Without hesitation, Elliott said yes. He would do anything to protect Mat, even if that meant receiving more pain.
"Okay, then. You will go an entire week without food. By the end of the week, we'll see if you need more punishment."
Mother cackled at this, glad she was getting to toy with her oldest son. It made her giddy with excitement to see him cry out in pain. It gave her happiness to see the blood on his skin and the tears in his eyes.
Elliott felt like he was signing his soul to to devil, but if this was what protected his brother, then he would do anything.
* * *
Elliott woke up in the kitchen, surrounded by his brother's and Anna. He was confused and concerned, but when Mat asked if his panic attack was over, everything came rushing back. The older boy, the fear, mother's cackling voice.
The boy was still there, sitting on a chair in the kitchen. Elliott refused to look at him as he stood up and sent a questioning look to Anna.
"Are you alright, Elliott?" She asked, concern thick in her tone. That made Elliott want to cry - he wasn't used to someone caring like Anna did. He almost wanted to believe it could last, but he wasn't ignorant. He knew Anna couldn't be trusted, and like the rest, she would be gone soon as well. She would leave the boys to fend for themselves once she got wind of their secret.
"I'm fine. Who is that?" Elliott couldn't help but be blunt. Now that he'd gotten over his panic attack, the boy didn't frighten him as much. If he was here to hurt him, he'd already had his chance. Mother would have attacked him while he was down - this boy should have done the same.
"My name is Wes." The boy introduced, standing up from his seat. He was easily over a foot taller than Elliott, which only added to the intimidation he felt towards Wes.
"Anna." Elliott demanded to know what was happening. Was she already done with them and ready to hand them off to someone else? Was she going to whip them into shape?
"He's here because he's looking for someone to work, and I thought you could use the job. You're always talking about money with Adrian and Mat, so I thought this could work for you." Anna was clearly upset and worried about Elliott. She had only wanted to help, not cause a problem.
Elliott and Adrian had been talking money. Elliott wanted to start a savings account for them to use later on as a run away fund. In case things got bad and they needed to be on the move. Now that mother was showing up, this was the perfect time to start making money.
"What is the job?"
"My family owns a farm. We need someone to help run the stand and to help around the field. We have another guy, but he's on leave for college, so we're looking for another worker. We're down the road from here, not too far."
Elliott should have guessed that Wes worked on a farm - he had the farmer's body. It frightened Elliott how much he was already warming up to Wes in the few moments they'd known each other. It was something about his friendly personality and his eyes. Those pale green eyes that were strikingly beautiful.
Elliott shook the image from his head. He needed to make sure this would be for the best. He had Mat and Adrian to worry about, and his mother. He had so much on his plate, but he really wanted this job. He really wanted to become friends with Wes, which was frightening. Only a few moments ago was he having a panic attack over him.
"Alright. When do I start?" Elliott hoped he wouldn't regret this.
"As soon as possible. Anna said you have soccer, so you can come on over after practice on weekdays. And then we might put you on weekends, depending on how busy we are."
Elliott was touched that Anna would do this for him, he really was, but he wasn't sure why she would. He wasn't anything special, just a problem child. And he couldn't understand why Anna was so involved. She shouldn't want anything to do with a moody eighteen year old, but she loved him just as much as she loved Mat. Elliott couldn't begin to understand.
"He'll see you tomorrow." Anna supplied when Elliott didn't respond. To be honest, Elliott didn't even realize that he could have a job or rely on someone else. It'd always been him caring for his brothers, and since moving in with Anna, suddenly he's not taking care of anyone - Anna is. And now Wes was going to be taking care of Elliott the way a boss would, and it's too much. Elliott's always been so independent that this is almost frightening.
"So you're handing me off to someone else, is that it? Am I not good enough for you? Am I not the perfect child my mother taught me to be? Tell me, Anna, what's wrong with me? Why are you pushing me away?" Elliott couldn't stand it any longer. He hated his mother, but at least she seemed to have an attachment to him. Elliott suddenly felt that Anna was pushing him away, onto someone else.
Anna wasn't expecting the sudden outburst. "What are you talking about? Elliott, I thought this would be good for you! I thought you'd like working, making money, being independent! I thought this would be something you'd enjoy! I never meant for it to seem like I was pushing you away."
Elliott wanted to believe Anna so badly, but all he could think of were his mother's own words, telling him to be the perfect son. He wasn't - he was far from it. He never would be the perfect son, not now, not ever.
He was damaged.
Elliott didn't respond to Anna, just stormed away. He was too irate to deal with Anna. He was hurt and afraid.
Even Adrian could feel the discomfort Anna felt. He felt it, too. Elliott was too hot headed sometimes. That came from mother, unsurprisingly. Adrian knew he hadn't meant to hurt Anna, but Elliott had done just that.
"He hates me. He really does." Anna slumped into the kitchen chair, her face in her hands.
"He doesn't, honestly." Adrian tried to defuse the issue at hand.
"He loves you!" Mat chimed in.
Anna shook her head. "He doesn't. And why would he? I'm a woman posing as his mother. I know you have issues, you all do, but I'm trying so hard to be someone he could love. Someone he could look up to."
Adrian shook his head. He and Anna weren't all that close, but out of all of the boys, Elliott was the worst off. He'd been so messed up from mother than he didn't know and understand love, and probably never would. Adrian knew this about his brother, so he understood. Anna, however, did not. And maybe it was time she did.
"You have to understand we come from a difficult family past." Adrian sat down, across from Anna.
"Adrian, no! Elliott doesn't want us talking about it, you know that!"
Adrian shushed his brother. "I won't tell her everything. Just let her know." He turned back to his foster mother, who was sitting on the edge of her seat in anticipation. She'd been longing to understand for a year now why the boys were so strange and emotionally tender.
"It all started when our oldest brother died."413Please respect copyright.PENANAMrEbsb8IBf