Daniel’s head was light but his heartbeats carried the weight of a stampeding wildebeest’s footsteps. He hobbled out the door using his crutches, his newly-fixed leg still numb even though a few hours had passed since the operation.
His nostrils widened as fresh air graced them with its presence. Several people were sitting in their wheelchairs and smelling the small selection of daffodils, roses and some strange native flower that Daniel couldn’t recognise. He made sure to keep some distance from the flowers to avoid triggering hay fever symptoms but they smelled lovely from where he was. He limped slowly so as not to arouse suspicion, looking for an exit. He saw a carpark in the corner of his eye and grinned.
‘You there, where are you going?’
Shit. Daniel turned and saw a nurse. He took a deep breath to give himself time to think. ‘I want to have a smoke with my friend. He’s in the carpark.’
‘Aren’t you a little young to be smoking?’
‘I’m of age.’
‘Do you have any proof?’
What was this man’s problem? ‘I don’t know if you realise this, but I’m in the hospital. It’s not like I have my ID on me. Would you like me to limp home and get it for you?’
The nurse pursed his lips. ‘Very well. Have fun with your friend.’
Daniel resumed his journey, holding in a sigh until he was sure the nurse was gone. It took him half an hour to limp home. He had to ignore the strange looks and refuse the offers to help take him back to the hospital. He had to say he wasn’t crazy so many times he started to wonder if he really was crazy.
He patted himself on the back when he managed to get up the stairs to his room within five minutes. The numbness started to fade but he still limped as he made his way to his wardrobe. No way was he going to go to the date wearing the white t-shirt and tracksuit pants his mother brought to him before the operation. She was supposed to take him home but received a call from work.
He gulped. Wait, date? What the hell am I talking about?
He pulled out a leather jacket and put it on over a grey shirt. He chucked some jeans on and shook his leg in the hopes that he could get rid of the remaining insensateness.
He laid his crutches on his bed and walked back down the stairs, a tiny bit of numbness still there. His light head got to him and he had to clutch the rail until his dizziness subsided. However, he continued moving forward, even if it was in incremental steps.
He caught the train to the city, trying his damndest not to vomit as the train swayed back and forth harsh enough for Daniel to feel like soup being stirred in a pot. He kept looking at the time on his phone.
Suddenly the train stopped. It wasn’t at a station. It just stopped. The announcer’s whoops-I-spilled-some-beer-at-the-barbie voice made Daniel’s hand curl up into a painfully tense fist.
‘Unfortunately, the train ahead of us is delayed. Sit tight and we should be ready to continue in a few minutes.’
‘A few minutes’ passed. Then another few. ‘It looks like we’ll be here for another half hour,’ the announcer said. ‘It might be a good idea to call your workplace if you’re heading to work. Sit tight and we should be ready to resume shortly.’
Groans and cries of, ‘Bloody public transport’ poisoned the air. Daniel finally realised how sweaty and humid the air was with everyone packed together like chickens in a cage farm. Loud, perpetually groaning chickens that swore every five minutes.
Daniel stared at his phone again and took a few deep breaths to stop himself from hyperventilating. 6:30. It was going to take at least half an hour to get to the city, not to mention the time needed to catch a tram from the station to the venue.
He opened up his text messages and went to message Eddie when… his phone died. ‘Shit,’ he whispered. There was no way he was going to pay a fine for swearing on public transport, even if everyone else was doing it.
Finally, the train resumed and got to the city like nothing had happened. Daniel started running to the tram stop but felt dizzy again, so he had to stand with his hands on his thighs for a little while. He inhaled and continued running.
He took the tram and resorted to looking at his watch. A quarter to 8. ‘Fuck.’ Another whisper.
He showed his ticket to the woman at the door of the arena. As the door opened the sound trampled him.
Or rather, sounds. The high-pitched guitar solo. The discordant and yet perfectly fitting piano. The microphone-amplified voices that alternated between rapping and growling about war. The hundreds of voices trying to mimic the rapping and growling. Daniel had heard this exact song before, and yet this live performance managed to shake him to his core. He was so invested in the music that it took him a while to remind himself to find Eddie.
He stood in the dark, trying to read the seat number on his ticket. After a minute or so his eyes got used to the dark. He made his way to his seat, but Eddie wasn’t there.
He looked around and saw a group of people cheering at the front of the balcony. One boy was dancing, his long ponytail bouncing as he banged his head and his pale skin glowing in the little bits of light coming from the stage. Daniel drank in the sight, crossing his arms to prevent himself from hugging him.
He tapped his shoulder. Eddie turned around and grinned. ‘About time!’ he yelled.
‘You have no idea what it took for me to get here!’
‘What?’
‘You have no idea-’
‘What?’
‘Nevermind!’
The song changed and Eddie squealed. He headbanged for a while before looking at Daniel, tapping the other boy’s head to get him to copy him. Daniel shook his head. Eddie pouted.
Daniel watched Eddie for most of the concert, though he sometimes looked around him to make sure no one was glaring at the boy. He expected someone to scowl at his effeminate friend, but no one did. Not many people seemed to notice him despite his large arm movements as he danced. One person joined in and danced next to him.
Half-way through the concert, the lead rapper grabbed a trombone from the brass band behind him and mock-played it while holding it near his crotch. Daniel suddenly took note of the tight leather pants and the toned abs of the shirtless lead rapper. He looked at Eddie again and wondered what got him into metal.
Daniel’s ears felt full as the chugging guitars, warlike sound effects and booming voices stuffed themselves into his mind. The occasional changes in rhythm were a little distracting, though he guessed that was the jazz influence. He remembered Eddie going on and on in the hospital about syncopated rhythms.
When the concert ended, Eddie gulped as much water as his wallet allowed him to buy in the lobby.
‘How was it?’
Daniel smiled. ‘It’s really a different experience, hearing it live.’
‘I know, right? Thank you so much for coming! That was amaz-’
‘Is that you, Ed?’ A masculine voice called out. Eddie froze.
Another voice was added. ‘Of course, it is! He’s got the same face.’
The first voice raised in volume. ‘His hair’s grown longer, so how was I supposed to know for sure?’ The voice then softened, turning almost into a satire of a mother’s voice. ‘Where’s your girlfriend? Did she break up with you?’
Three boys stood with their hands in their pockets. One, the owner of the first voice, wore baggy jeans and a plain black t-shirt. The owner of the second voice had a cap on his head and a piercing in one ear. The third boy was silent, wearing black jeans and a grey hoodie.
The second boy wore a shit-eating grin. ‘Who’s this?’
Eddie smiled, but Daniel could hear the deep intake of air as he breathed in. ‘This is Daniel. He’s my friend from my new school.’
The second boy looked Daniel up and down. ‘I’m glad to hear you’re making new… friends… Especially since you look… different from when you were at our school.’
The first boy stared at Eddie’s hair. ‘I guess you got even more into metal since we last saw each other. Your hair’s giving me Amy Lee vibes.’
‘Evanescence isn’t real metal!’ A stranger in the crowd shouted.
The first boy coughed an ‘ahem’. ‘That is why you’re wearing that hair, right? Or are you trying to go for a Behemoth type of look?’
Eddie bit his lip. ‘Uh, it was great seeing you all, but Daniel and I have to get home.’
‘You’re going home together? Okay, don’t let us get in the way,’ the second boy said. ‘We should hang out again just the four of us.’
‘Y-yeah, that’ll be great. I’ll, uh, find you on Facebook.’
Eddie grabbed Daniel not by the hand, as Daniel expected for some reason, but by the arm. He dragged him outside. The otherwise cool air carried the warm winds that, for whatever reason, only appeared at night. Despite the warmth, Eddie shivered, turning his back to Daniel.
Daniel shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. ‘Did you guys have a fight before you moved or something?’
‘No, I just… I moved because of them.’ Daniel’s eyebrows leapt. ‘I wanted to get out of that school and start again. I wanted to be more… open with others. I never told those three that I’m gay. So when I saw them again just now, I felt chills run down my body. It was like I was shoved back in the closet again and thrown into a lake and expected to swim. Once you’re as out as I am, you kind of forget how to be in the closet again and it just… it brings you back down to reality, like ‘Oh yeah, I almost forgot how much life sucks’.’ Eddie turned towards Daniel and looked down at the ground. ‘I must sound incomprehensible to a... straight... guy.’
Daniel shrugged. ‘I just can’t imagine you being in the closet. Didn’t you say that you could never hide your true self or something like that?’
’When did I say that?’
Daniel felt his cheeks match the heat of the wind. ‘Some time ago. I don’t know.’
Eddie looked up at him, his eyes shiny with water and his lip bitten hard enough to chip bits of his black lipstick off.
‘Well, I can’t exactly be the perfect super gay all the time. I have to adapt to my surroundings. The hard bit is when you have a feeling someone suspects but you don’t know for sure so you’re always on edge. You’re half afraid of them finding out and half sick of pretending because they probably know anyway so there’s no point.’
Daniel felt those words sink deep into his soul. He forced on a smile.
‘Why don’t you come out to your friends? You came out to the entire year level.’
‘It’s a different scene. The metal scene’s different.’
‘Everyone seemed pretty welcoming.’
‘But I… I’ve heard horror stories about homophobia in the metal community. A lot of fans are all about masculinity and stuff. That’s kind of what drew me to the genre at first. But anyway, even if my friends know, we can’t really confront it. It’ll be too awkward and… like, what if they’re all like, ‘well, the charade’s over. We don’t need to humour you anymore’? I’m better off not knowing what they think.’
Daniel took a step towards Eddie. ‘Have any metal fans given you shit for being gay?’
Eddie’s eyes grew. ‘Not me, but-’
‘Then what’s the use in worrying? You’re kind of giving yourself trauma before a bad event even happens. Why don’t you just worry about all that when it comes?’
Eddie chuckled and ran his hand through his hair, causing a sharp inhale from Daniel. ‘I didn’t think of it that way. Thanks.’
Daniel‘s smile grew as he cocked his head to the side for a moment as if to tell him to follow him. Eddie drank in that smile and even felt something stir in his heart. He almost swore, but then he’d have to explain why he did that.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
