This is a tough topic to tackle, to be honest. I have survived multiple abusive relationships. But the main question is why. Why did I choose to stay with partners who didn't respect me? Why was I loyal to people who made me feel worthless?
That's exactly the difficulty of it though. They make you feel completely worthless. You stop believing in yourself and don't consider that you deserve better. Sometimes, you even start thinking that you deserve to be punished, even if you don't know why. You feel guilty for even considering leaving, and they usually manipulate you into staying.
It's a vicious cycle, and a hard one to break. In my opinion, it was more difficult to escape abuse than it was to stop self-harming.
I don't speak on this topic out of ignorance -- if you are or were previously in an abusive relationship, or know someone who is/was, then I know exactly how it feels. For nine years, off and on, I was in an abusive relationship. I allowed myself to be manipulate and hurt because I lacked the confidence to realize that I deserved so much better than that disrespect and pain.
At age twelve or thirteen, I met Aaron. He was charismatic and friendly. If you recall from past chapters, I mentioned him and the fact that I had been bullied and shunned quite badly up until this point. He was someone who looked at me without judgement, who treated me (originally) as an equal. He respected me at first, and I was smitten instantly -- if only because no one else treated me so well.
For the first year or two, things were fine. We had an affectionate and respectful relationship. However, things slowly declined as his true colors began to show. Whenever our relationship would start to decline, he would use guilt trips to bring me back to him -- including faking things like a heart attack in order to scare me to stay with him. He tore me down, making me feel worthless as he belittled and harassed me on a daily basis. He constantly used scare tactics about his 'health problems' to keep me from leaving him out of a misplaced sense of responsibility or duty.
That's abuse. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. It comes in many forms. That right there was emotional and mental abuse -- using his actions and words to hurt me and trick me into staying with him, manipulating how I was thinking and feeling.
Something to understand is that throughout the entire relationship, my friends were trying to convince me to leave him. I even lost a lot of friends as he attempted to isolate me (to make him the only important person in my life).
During a breakup period, I found out he had been sleeping and flirting with two of my 'friends' in order to make me upset/jealous. Somehow, it worked because we got back together -- if only because I didn't want him to hurt them like he had to me.
This relationship went off and on for many years, culminating in my finally choosing to leave him because he tried to kill me. During one of his darker moods, he beat, raped and strangled me, perhaps leaving me for dead. When he stepped out, I left and never looked back.
I suffered every form of abuse during that relationship, and it scarred me for life. I still don't believe in myself, and instead belittle myself constantly. I put down my accomplishments as though they mean nothing. I ignore people when they try to compliment me or accuse them of lying. I didn't trust anyone enough to have a relationship until very recently (four years later).
Abuse leaves scars internally, and sometimes externally. It never ends well for the second party -- hospital visits and self-harm become commonplace for physical, or losing one's confidence and sense of being/purpose for emotional or mental abuse. We start making up excuses for our partner: they were just upset but they apologized, they won't do it again, I probably deserved it any way, it's my own fault, they really love me so it's okay... etc. Those are just that, though: excuses.
It is NOT okay to become someone's physical or verbal punching bag. It is NOT okay to excuse the violent or manipulative actions of another person. You should NEVER be made to feel unsafe, vulnerable, or like less than a person by your partner.
If you need help, or know someone who does, please reach out. There are those who can help you. (Cannot confirm the amount of aid each hotline can provide as I haven't used them).
(USA) National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Assaulted Women's Hotline (toll free): 1.866.863.0511
(USA?) National Youth Crisis Hotline: 1.800.442.4673
(USA & Canada) National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
ns 18.68.41.177da2
