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I can't live like this. I don't want to have to live a lie anymore. Why can't you love me out in the open?
Sungmin sat up, sweaty and distraught, he wiped his face with both hands and found that there wasn't just sweat there but tears. Night after night he was haunted by those words. Feelings that he was not able to deal with in his waking time came out in repetitive dreams. Trying to be upbeat and focusing on work was not cutting it. He felt like he was just one more sad thought away from getting depressed. So he kept his schedule as hectic as he possibly could this semester, quite the contrary to the last four years that he's made every possible concession to fit Kyuhyun into his busy life as an educator.
They met during the freshmen orientation. He was a new instructor and he was a freshman. Though they didn't quite look the part.
"Are you in the music department too?" the tall freshman had asked him. Sungmin nodded since he did graduate from the music department of this university and was going to teach a class along with the self-defense classes that he would have every MWF.
"I guess there are not a lot of cute professors here, huh? I was hoping to find some inspiration." the playful smirk made Sungmin smile as well. "I'm Kyuhyun _____ by the way, and you are?"
"Sungmin Lee." he was shy, even when he was doing his practice teaching he had a hard time trying to be casual. But whenever he sings, he forgets his shyness. And whenever he gets into the movements that he has to do in his demo classes, he was told that his soft-spokenness disappears. He never thought that he was any different when he sings or performs. But he is most definitely comfortable in those situations than when he needs to socialize.
"Sungmin-ssi!" another professor saw him and ushered him to the stage. Kyuhyun was left with his mouth open.
"And here is our newest instructor, teaching Vocal basics and Self-defense, Sungmin Lee." Sungmin bowed in front of the thousands of new freshmen and received a lot of hoots and oppa shrieks from the female student body. "He is a national champion and international competitor for Wushu."
The crowd shouted, "Demo! Demo! Demo!"
"Would you care to do a demonstration for us?" the dean responded to the heckling.
He scratched his head and agreed to do it. He went over to the corner and took the long part of the mop that was placed at the side of the stage and weighed if it was the right kind to use for his demonstration.
After his demonstration, the hoots and the applause now included the male student body. He bowed and wiped the sweat off his forehead.
He looked at the crowd and saw that Kyuhyun was giving him the thumbs up while he was beaming at him. He felt like his breath was knocked out of his lungs. And it had nothing whatsoever to do with what he just finished doing.
It was as clear as yesterday and that was what hurt the most. Remembering. People are lying when they say that forgetting someone is difficult. It's not. It's the remembering that hurts like a mo-f* because the feelings that came with the moments that we keep replaying in our heads are like tiny wounds that are so itchy we don't have any choice but to scratch them. And in the end, we feel worse and the infection spreads.
Kyuhyun had moved on to a life outside of the academe. Outside of Sungmin's reach and where he could be as open to who he was and who he wanted to be with. Sometimes it's not just that he was left behind that hurts, it was that Kyuhyun didn't even bother to make him a part of his future plans. Sungmin would have dropped everything just to be with him.
"I told my parents. They are shipping me to my aunt in America. They said that if I stayed here I would never be able to be who I am." Sungmin had stopped listening after the word America. He had always wanted to go there and be free.
"Be who you are?" Sungmin was trying to pretend again. He was the one in the closet. Kyuhyun had come out...they'd promise to do it together. Kyuhyun had wanted to do it during his first year in college. But meeting Sungmin made him think twice. If they were seen together often and Kyuhyun was known to be gay then it would have affected Sungmin's reputation. And as he was a new member of the faculty, one scandal was enough. They were already dating in secret. A student-professor relationship that evolved into a love affair that would cause Sungmin his reputation and his job.
"Be the real me." they never said the words because they were never sure who might be listening in. During the past four years, they'd devised codes and changed the meaning of hyung and maknae to become their pet names. They've gone out on double dates simply to be able to go on dates that they wanted to go in. They'd always tag along with Kyuhyun's secretly dating lesbian friends to make it so that they could still enjoy themselves without having to deal with complications and assumptions later on.
Sungmin was a reputable professor in the daytime but was Kyuhyun's lover in the dark of the night. He thought that it was enough for them. But clearly not for his lover.
"I am going to New York." nothing in the way that he said it made it sound like he was asking Sungmin to come with him.
"I've always wanted to go there." He knew it sounded pathetic but he had wanted Kyuhyun to ask him to go with him.
"I...I can't live like this. I don't want to have to live a lie anymore. Why can't you love me out in the open?" he saw the angry tears trying to come out of Kyuhyun's reddening eyes. Sungmin offered him tissue but the latter swatted his hand away. "I am going to leave because I can't be this way anymore. I want...I want to be with someone who won't hide me from everyone. Someone whose hands I can hold in public. Someone who can tell their parents that they are associating with me. Someone who can love me and himself openly."
Sungmin felt like this was just the same argument they've been having since they officially got together. Kyuhyun often lost that argument when he mentioned him getting fired and not getting hired anywhere else because he dated a student and was openly homosexual. It was a cruel reality that someone with his preferences would be ostracized and most likely not able to get a new post. But Kyuhyun had graduated and had waited that long to be recognized.
"What do you want me to do?" Sungmin wanted him to ask that he leave everything and be together. But Kyuhyun heard the question in a different way.
"I don't need you to do anything." Kyuhyun stood up. "This...whatever this is...is over." Sungmin could see the devastation in Kyuhyun's face. But just as quickly as it appeared, the pain was replaced by a firm stoic face. "Have a nice life, gyo-soh-nim."
Sungmin wanted to cry but instead, he sat there catatonic. He sat there feeling that cowards like him didn't deserve to fall in love. They end up hurting themselves and the people they care for the most.
It was like a string, the string that bound him with Kyuhyun was the only one keeping the pink Sungmin and the darker one. He looked at the seat in front of him and wanted to fill the gap again.
Sungmin had filled his schedule with classes and events to attend. He had not gone out since he met Kyuhyun because the latter was a homebody. But he felt like there needed to be a change of scenery. Because walking around campus and having quiet moments in the library as well as staying in the music room to sing and compose was just reminding him of his lost love.
Loud dance music was bound to destroy his ears and the beer that he was holding was his dance partner. College students flocked that bar and he didn't care if they recognized him or not. He was not going to be able to sleep unless he's tired to the bone. His mind was reeling, his heart was missing his beloved.
And the IG photo of him with Heechul was just another nail in Sungmin's coffin. He hated that guy, Kyuhyun's best friend and hyung. He had monitored the relationship from afar but Kyuhyun would often say that if he didn't fall in love with Sungmin, Heechul-hyung would be his type. The guy was weird for crying out loud.
So why the hell did that weirdo go to Liberty Island with Kyuhyun? They had common friends who shared the IG post and it wrung his heart the comments that people were posting.
Finally, you guys look great together.
I knew Hee would follow you there. Destiny? <3
And the worst one of all was the caption for the picture. My Seoulmate is finally here.
Seoulmate. That was their code for beloved. And he had a feeling that Kyuhyun knew that he would read it and hurt him. All his posts on his SNS accounts were positive things and happy selcas with students and friends. He had asked all of his friends to cheer him up and they were forbidden from commenting anything about his crying to them and the mini-downward spiral he had in the earlier stages of him trying to come into terms with the fact that he lost Kyuhyun and that he was leaving SK, going somewhere he couldn't go to without losing what is left of his life.
Leaps of faith were not his thing. His heart was a coward's and there was no feasible way for him to get from SK to NY on his salary. And seeing the Seoulmates might just drive him to murder them.
TAO went out of the bar because he didn't feel like dancing anymore. Kris hyung was with some of his classmates and he had tagged along to dance off someone of his excess energy. He didn't realize that he would be hounded by girls while they were inside.
I can't take any more of this crap. He had wanted to get a girlfriend. He's never had one. But he couldn't find one that made him change his mind about the people he felt special feelings for. EXO members accepted him for who he was and they had their own share of secret affairs. They were brothers and lovers, or at least some of them are. He never associated with anyone of his EXO brothers because he didn't want to throw away their friendship. Tao wasn't the kind to keep an ex around. So he made sure that he never lets his closeness to his brothers get confusing for anyone.
He heard the thud before he could even see the person who fell. There was a groan that made him turn towards the direction of the voice. He saw a guy trying to get up but clearly too drunk to do so.
"Aish!" he didn't want to laugh but the guy looked so funny because he seemed to have given up trying to get up. Tao was alarmed when two guys who looked like they were about to help the guy ended up frisking the guy. He saw the taller one holding a phone and the other one trying to get the guy's wallet from his coat.
"Ya!" He didn't mean to get in trouble tonight. But it looks like there was no scarcity of that tonight.
The two guys faced him butterfly knives ready. He kicked both knives out of their hands and a flying roundhouse kick knocked the two guys out in less time than it took for them to realize they chose the wrong bar to rob people in.
The security guys who saw what happened came closer and gathered up the guys. "They have his phone and his wallet." he pointed at this still unconscious guy.
"Could you help us a bit? We have to get these guys booked and the police would probably ask for your statement. That guy clearly can't state what happened." Tao was torn between helping the drunken idiot and booking the even bigger pickpocketing idiots.
"Could you have someone help him up? He's my friend." a bouncer had helped the drunken guy get up.
"I think he's coming around again." the bouncer said.
"Kyu---" the guy was mumbling something. Then looked up suddenly. "What the?" it seemed like all the alcohol in that man's body drained away when Tao recognized him
"Sungmin-ssam?" He wanted to laugh if the situation wasn't so ridiculous. Who would have thought that he would have to save the guy who teaches self-defense?
ns 15.158.61.54da2
