I was on the phone begging mom to come and take me home. I no longer wanted to be with this crazy woman. Mom was quiet until she said that I needed to have courage and I would soon be visiting them. There was very little she could do as the judge supported Tammy. Before I could answer Tammy took the phone from me. She screamed and yelled at me, telling me that I was not to contact my mom. I had to get used to my new life here.
I got mad at her and told her that she only wants me because her son was dead. She only wanted me to replace him! This statement made Tammy stand in shock as I ran into my princess room. I sat on the bed holding an old doll. I was trapped in this hell and I honestly did not know what I would do. How would I survive a woman trying to make me into a person I had no wish to be. What would I do if she succeeded? I looked at the big doll I was holding and sighed. I would never have held a doll before, but here I was thinking this doll would comfort me. There was only one answer. Mom was right, I needed to have courage and be true to myself. A person could only make me into someone who I was not if I allowed it.
I fell asleep on my bed.
Tammy came into the room. She sat on my bed and started to brush my hair. This made me cry once again as it was something that mom always did. She spoke in a soft voice and told me that we had a bad start.
"I do miss Chrissy," she admitted, "I can also see that you are not Chrissy. I can also understand that you think I would never want you if Chrissy was alive. I know you miss your old parents. What you do not know is that I love you. I want us to be a happy family. Everything is strange for you, but in time, everything will be good."
She told me that the only reason why she did not want me to contact my old parents is that it would confuse me. She assured me that she did not want me to replace her son. We both had to get to know each other. She finished by praising how beautiful my hair was, and it should not be cut. Then she told me that I should come to the sitting room and see a film with her.
The talk made me feel better until I looked into the mirror. She put my hair in a ponytail and it had a pink elastic holding it. Once again, I looked like a girl. This gave me the impression that she said one thing and did another thing. Could I even trust her? I stayed in my room and held the doll while I looked out at the stars. I knew that this doll was a boy when it first came here, but Tammy made it to a girl. This doll would be my only friend here. I decided that it deserved a name. I decided to name the doll Martin.
The next day, Tammy put out some skin-tight jeans and a belly top. The jeans were cool enough, despite they had some flowers embroidered in them. The top was white, but it showed my belly. This was strange, as I kept on trying to pull it down. Why do girls even want to show their belly? My hair was still in a ponytail.
Tammy was in a good mood when she gave me breakfast. I nearly got mad when she said that I look so pretty. While I was eating breakfast, she gave me a pink pill and told me that it was good for my body. I didn't think about it twice and just swallowed it. I thought that in a few weeks, I would be already visiting mom and Dad. I just had to survive until then.
Needless to say, no one spoke with me at school. They all stared at me as if I was an alien. I heard some whisper that I was a sissy just like Chrissy was. Tom even seemed to avoid me. I was not used to being ignored or teased. It was a form of bullying. I did what I could do. I held my head up high and acted like it did not affect me. The truth was that I was crying inside and I wanted to be invisible, so no one could see how much it hurt. I understood why they were mean. I was dressed like a girl. It made me think if Chrissy was happy. Did he even want to live?
I told Tammy how much I was teased and bullied. She told me I was new at school and people just had to get to know me. This upset me, as I thought she could not see reality and lived in her dream world. I snapped at her and said they thought I was a sissy. I was a boy dressed as a girl! This made Tammy roll her eyes and comment that they were just jealous. I highly doubted that.
I knew that I just had to survive until I went home. So I decided that I would just try and be happy. When I went back to my parents and told them what I had to go through, then they would do everything in their power to keep me at home. They would not let me back to this crazy woman.
I quickly learned that Tammy was a dominant woman that wanted everything her way. I suspected that she was spoiled as a child. I also thought that she wanted to have a daughter, and was disappointed when she had a boy. Besides all that, she was nice and was a good cook. If you did not get on her bad side, she could be very caring. However, she had a huge temper. If I showed any boyish traits, she would get mad at me. I also did not know how much she loved me. At times, I thought that she thought I was Chrissy. After all, she did call me "Chrissy" several times.
Every day started as she put out what clothes I had to wear and she did my hair. I no longer was shocked when I looked in the mirror and could see a girl. I always was holding Martin, my doll that was my only friend. I would put Martin in the best clothes that I could find and praised him for being so brave at being transgender. I would ask Martin if he missed being a boy and did was he even starting to believe that he was a girl? I would hug Martin a lot and promise that I would never bully him.
At breakfast, Tammy would give me the strange tablet. I was only 11 years old, so I never suspected what the tablet was.
I was teased and bullied at school. In a way, I began to understand what transgender children sometimes had to go through. Being called sissy is so negative. It must be so hard for transgender children to accept that they are different. It takes a lot of courage to tell the world that you have the wrong body. It did not help when they only met mean words and were told they were a freak. Why could the world not treat people with respect and share in each other's happiness?
I saw mom standing at the school fence one day. I wanted to run to her and hug her, however, I was so afraid. Tammy warned that if I ever did contact my mother, she would never allow me to go home. Besides that, I wondered if mom even recognised me in girls attire. I lowered my head and walked past her. I knew that this broke Moms' heart and hoped she would forgive me.
I did everything that Tammy asked so she would allow me to visit my parents. She was going one step further every day in turning me to her daughter. She even started putting a small amount of mascara on my eyes. I knew that her goal was achieved when she put a petticoat dress on my bed and told me that I could wear that to Church. I should have screamed and protested, but I just put on a fake smile and did what she wanted to. The trip to Church was the worse experience I ever had. It was so weird to wear a dress. You could feel the air on your legs and it made you feel so... well... so pretty. I was hoping that no one would stare at me and find out I was a boy in a dress. I did hope that they would pray for me.
I now looked like a girl and Tammy told me one day that I should think like a girl. I started to do piano lessons. It was very hard and complicated. The worse thing is that I liked playing the piano.
So now you are asking yourself If I was now transgendered. Did I consider myself a girl and embrace this new life that I had? If I was to answer that, I would shout from the mountain top that the answer is no. I was a boy and I was proud of being a boy. I missed my boy's clothes and I missed football. I missed my friends. I felt so lonely and felt like no one was on my side. To be honest, I felt like Tammy's doll, that she could dress me up the way she wanted.
I asked myself if there were things that I liked. I liked it when people did not know I was a boy and would think that I was pretty. I liked painting and I liked taking care of Martin. I figured that even the most masculine man has a feminine side. It made me think the world would be better without social norms on what boys and girls should dress in or what they should do. We should live in a unisex world where people do what makes them happy, and dress the way they wanted to.
I did what Tammy wanted. I figured it meant less conflict and hoped I would be happy. It was also until I could visit my parents.
This was about to change
To be continued
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