I could not believe that Tammy was sitting in the park. I should have walked past her and remember all that she has done to me and wanted to do with me. I could not do that. I had to confront her and in a way let her know how I feel. My experience with her was a nightmare and it changed me in ways I yet did not know. I needed to forgive Tammy so that we both could move on with our lives.
Tammy looked surprised when she saw me and informed me that she was not allowed to be with me. I shrugged my shoulders and told her that no one told me I could not be with her. So I sat on the bench next to her. She stopped writing in her pad and there was an awkward silence,
"I was just at the psychiatrist's," she said, "I usually come here to write down my thoughts after I meet with her. It is hard for me to see the psychiatrist as it is slowly clearing the fog that I have been in. It's hard for me to accept that I have been in so much pain, that I caused so much pain. I am so sorry for what I have done to you and what I put you through. I hope that someday you will forgive me,"
Tammy told me that she lost the two people that mattered the most in her life. She lost her husband who was my birth dad. She knew him since they were both children. When he died, a part of her died with him. Then she talked about Chrissy that told her that he was a girl when he was only 6. Tammy said that she tried to support Chrissy as much as possible and started raising Chrissy as a girl. Despite that Chrissy was bullied and teased at school. "she" was a happy child with a heart of gold. When Chrissy was killed in a car crash, then Tammy in a way lost her mind.
When she found out that Chrissy was switched at birth, she did not care. Chrissy was her child. Tammy also knew that it was wrong to seek custody of me, but she felt so alone and was being selfish that she wanted me. When I came to live with her, she could only think of Chrissy and wanted to change me to a new version of Chrissy.
Tammy could not explain anymore and started crying. I always hated when someone cries. I could see that this was no act and this woman was in a lot of pain. I put my hand on her hand and whispered that we had the same hands.
I never told mom or dad that I spoke with Tammy. I met her every week at the park after she was at the shrinks. I started to see who the real Tammy was and she started to see who I was. I forgave her for what she had done, which was such a great feeling of freedom. Bitterness is like a poison that makes everyone unhappy, where forgiveness gives new opportunities. I would never consider Tammy as my mother and had no wish to live with her. This being said, we had the same blood running through us. I wanted Tammy in my life.
Yes, I do know this makes me sound as crazy as Tammy.
I did finally tell mom and dad that I have been meeting Tammy. This upset them and they could not understand why I would want to meet a person that hurt me so much. When I told them Tammy's story, they promised me they will try to understand it. I told them how good it felt to forgive her and that a person could change. Dad thought that I was suffering from a form of Stockholm syndrome.
Later on, that night, when I asked mom if I could continue meeting Tammy in the park, mom started crying and told me that I already had a mom. I hugged mom and told her she was right, Tammy could never replace the mom that I had. She could never be my mother.
" I cannot stop you from seeing her," mom said, "But do not let her influence you or change you. Do not let her manipulate you."
A few weeks went by and I tried being happy. I still had a close relationship with mom and dad, and there was once again laughter and smiles in the house. I had friends at school and still loved playing football. I enjoyed meeting Tammy in the park, especially when she could accept that I was a boy.
Despite this, there was a new side to me. I started wearing unisex clothes and often wore tights under my clothes. I was always holding Martin when I was home and sometimes I even put on the denim dress that mom thought that she hid.
One of my best friends noticed that I changed. He told me I was more girly and wondered if I was transgendered or gay. I nearly wanted to cry when I heard that. I did not want to be known as a gay boy or transgendered. I did not want to be seen as a girl and feel so alone the way that I felt before.
Mom could see that I was sad, and asked if I wanted to speak. I asked her who I was? Was I gay? Mom responded that I would soon be a teenager, and this will be a question I would ask myself all the time. Teenagers have to find their identity and how they fit in society. Mom hugged me saying that I can be a football player, gay, transgendered or even a goth. The main thing was that I was happy and that I do not hurt others.
"I can tell you who I see you as" she finished, "You are a sensitive child with a heart of gold. You teach your dad things every day, like how to be compassionate and have a love of living. You are a gem!"
A few days later I told mom and dad that we need to have a serious talk.
"I have been thinking who I am," I said, "My experience with Tammy changed me. I did not like being considered a girl. However, I did like looking pretty and I even liked some of the clothes. I also learned how to like things such as dolls, painting and playing the piano. Since I came home, I have been worried if she brainwashed me into being transgender. I have concluded that I am a boy and have no wish to be a girl. I am not transgendered. This being said, I am in touch with my feminine side. I am not afraid to wear pink or even tights. I am not afraid to look pretty and do things other boys do not dare. I am proud to be a boy and I am the luckiest boy in the world. I have two parents that love me so much and you can never be replaced. As for being gay, time will tell if this is true. I have learned that a friend is not a true friend if they do not accept who you are!"
Mom and Dad hugged me and told me how proud they were of me and how much they loved me. Dad said they also have been thinking and have a surprise for me.
I had to wait twenty minutes for the surprise. The doorbell rang and Dad said they have invited someone for dinner.
Tammy was at the door.
The end
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