"Would you like something to drink, sir?", the interaction between the flight attendant and Law cut through my thoughts. We were on the plane heading for Berlin. I had the seat at the window this time. The atmosphere between us was a bit awkward. When I had told Law about my worries, I rambled on for so long, that we hadn't had the time to go eat anything anymore. In fact, we had to rush back to the airport in order to not miss our flight. Law didn't have a chance to reply to my worries in any way. Well, he did have some chances at the airport, every time we were waiting in line, but hadn't said a word since. We didn't even check the souvenir shops this time. Did I bother him with my worries? Was that why he wanted me to tell him? He was bothered by my behaviour and wanted to know at least why I was behaving that way? I wouldn't know. I didn't ask.
The part in me, that always believed in the good of people, was determined he just didn't know how to help, and that's why he didn't reply. I couldn't blame him, if that was the case, since I had no idea what to do about it either. I didn't even know what exactly it was.
"Why didn't I just ask him his opinion since then?", the thought struck me. Well, that was actually easy to answer. I was embarrassed. I didn't want to accept this stupid uneasy gut feeling to be anything not worth ignoring, so I felt stupid for feeling that way. I didn't want to talk about it any further. I was even surprised by myself, that I had so much to say about it. Law must have been pretty much overwhelmed. No wonder he didn't know what to say. And better to say nothing, than to say anything wrong. Though was that really the case? Him not saying anything at all was also eating away at me, obviously.
Feeling like thinking about it that way didn't do me any good, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. An attempt to clear my mind. Concentrating on my breathing, I told myself: "Just focus on something else.". Outside the window was a wide landscape to be seen. Every now and then small cities could be seen. We flew past Hamburg a while ago, so it wouldn't take us much longer until we'd reach our destination.179Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRNyFDwFZwH
As we flew over Berlin, a smile forced it's way on my lips. I was finally home. The TV tower was eyed with a pleased look and the city I remembered having had enough of sometimes was an appreciated sight. A warm feeling fought the uneasy one in my stomach. I felt quite weird. Very contradicted.
Just like the flight before, we circled above the airport a few times before landing. The procedure of exiting the plane and airport was the same as it was in London. But now we looked for a taxi to get us to my home adress. I wasn't sure how to approach one, where the driver was waiting in the car. Was it custom to just open the door and hop in, like in movies? Would it be strange to knock at the window of the passenger seat? Luckily, I saw one where the driver was waiting outside the car.
"Hallo, sind Sie frei?", I asked the driver, to which he nodded. "Wo soll's denn hingehen?", I told him the adress, as we got into the car. He told me the estimated price, which was nice, I thought, and we drove off.
I looked through the parking cars in search of my dad's car, as we reached our destination. But the taxi came to a halt before I could find it. "Danke für die Fahrt.", I handed the money over and he bid us farewell, as we got off the car: "Schönen Tag.". The taxi drove off, after both of us had cleared the street. I looked around once more in search of our black Ford Windstar, when I finally remembered the time. It was just before 4 p.m.. My dad woul be at work still.
I turned around and looked up at the 14 level high, yellow apartment building I called my home. We were at the back entrance of the house, where the parking lots were. I could have gotten out my keys and opened the door, but something called me to the front of the building. So without a word, I started walking around the building, totally ignoring Law, who was following me silently. Whatever he was thinking, he didn't speak it. Though I could imagine he wanted to let me have this moment for myself.
Now at the front door, my eyes instantly looked for the plate with my family name on it. As if I wasn't sure this was my home. But the name plate was right where I knew it was. I felt my stomach slowly turning upside down, at the sight of it. I had hoped I was over it, since it didn't worsen since we got inside the taxi until now. Ignoring the feeling, I searched through my backpack for the keys. Once I had found them, I grabbed the pole attached to the door and stuck the right key into the keyhole. Then I finally turned to Law. "This is it.", I said in a sober, but nervous nevertheless, tone. Law only nodded calmly. Since he didn't seem to want to say goodbye, I assumed he wanted to accompany me to the very end. It didn't bother me. In fact, I welcomed it, since his calm attitude prevented me from panicking and running away. I opened the door and walked inside. The familiar scent I had never really noticed before welcomed me inside. I greeted the concierge and checked our mailbox. It was empty. Repeating the routine I had when coming home calmed me down to an extent. And I realized just how much I had missed it.
We entered the lift and my stomach started turning again. I clenched my cold hands to a fist inside the pockets of the cardigan I wore. I tried exercising them to warm them up, but to no avail. The closer we got to our flat, the more my thoughts swirled around the possible reactions I might receive. I tried focusing on the positive ones, but doubts clouded my mind. "They'll be happy. Right? What if nobody's home? What if they're in complete shock?" A bell rang upon reaching the right floor. My feet carried me the usual way through the extra corridor, up the stiars, to our flat. I was so used to walking those stairs, but this time I appreciated every step I took towards the door, that my eyes were already glued at, and resented them at the same time.
"How the hell is it possible I feel so miserable coming home? I love that home. I love the ones living with me there.", I couldn't help myself but let a single tear drop down at those contradicting thoughts and feelings. My mind was pushing me towards that familiar door, while my body was screaming to run the hell away from it. Because apparently this wasn't right.
Standing in front of it, I felt my heart pounding against my chest. My arms hugged my stomach. I was sure I would have thrown up by now, if I had eaten anything back in London. I turned around to Law. His concerned look rested upon my figure. Of course, I thought, he was a doctor. He'd see how miserable I felt. "This is it. This is my home. Thank you for bringing me here. I mean it.", I said. Law nodded after a moment of hesitation. "You sure, you're fine?", he suddenly asked. He was silent for so long, it surprised me a little. I smiled soberly. "No, I guess not. But I don't want to turn around now. This must be some weird overreaction of excitement.", I said, to which Law just raised a brow. I supposed he couldn't imagine how these symptoms could be anything related to excitement. I turned back around facing the door.
There were a lot of emotions roaming inside me at that moment. The joy I felt for finally being home again, was clouded by that stupid gut feeling, but it was still there. Because I was stubborn to hold onto that positive feeling. Gratitude towards the Heart Pirates and the Trafalgar family for helping me this much. But also a tiny bit sadness, as I would not see them again, if all went well. I would probably miss the cheerful crew. And then there was fear. Fear of my family having a reaction I could not handle. Of them not being as happy as I expected. I admit, that fear was rather silly, but I couldn't help it. After all, I was the type to overthink things, additionally to the reaction my body gave me.
I caught myself staring at the key in my hand, when Law patted me on the head. "You have troubled me to this extend and now you're afraid to go inside?", he said, his usual smirk in place.
"Do you want to come inside?", I asked, smiling with newfound courage. He nodded.
I finally put the key into the lock, opening the door. My heart beat heavily against my chest. Immediately after entering, very familiar sounds reached my ears, triggering happy tears of relieve. I tried holding them in, since I didn't want an outburst of tears to be the first thing I did when I finally came home. The tv was on and my brother's music could be heard from his room. The door to the living room was wide open. I could see my mother sitting on the sofa watching tv. "Mama!", I called, but she didn't respond. As if she didn't hear me.
Fear rose in me. The tv wasn't that loud. She should have heard the door as well. The uneasy feeling and accompanying nausea seemed to have died down after I actually went inside the flat. Though I had only realized their absence now that they resurfaced again. They reappeared for but a split second, before disappearing again. Instead, a cold shiver seemed to overtake me. I walked to my mom, now blocking her view to the tv, but she still did not react. I called out to her again, waving my arms around. No reaction. The joy in my mind now completely shattered by despair and fear. The itching tears of relieve now of terror, but I still held them in. I refused to accept this. I tried grabbing her face, forcing her look on me, but her figure was stiff. My hands felt the resistance of her body, but there was no warmth in it. It was as though she was a statue made of wax.
In shock, I stumbled a few steps back. "What is this?", I desperately ran to my brother's room. "Micha!", I called his name in the door. "Ich bin hier. Ich bin endlich wieder zu Hause!", I tried shaking him, but he would not react to me. He was moving, playing a game on his computer, but his body was as cold as my mother's. As if he was a robot.
As I reached the room of my second brother, I called out his name as well, but he had no reaction as well. He was lying there on his bed, reading a book.
"What is this? And why am I hearing this stupid song playing in my head again? Just make it stop.", I whimpered. Sitting on the floor, I rested my head against my brother's bed. My hands holding my head upon hearing the song. I was finally home. Why would they not take notice of me? Why were their bodies so cold? Why did I not have any influence on them? Did... did I know? Was that why my body was screaming at me to not go back home? But where else was I supposed to go?
An idea struck me then. I pulled out my phone and tried calling home. I heard the telephone ring. My brother looked up from his book, but continued reading as my mother lifted the receiver.
"Young am Apparat. Hallo?", she said.
"Mama? Ich bin hier. Direkt neben dir.", I desperately hoped she would hear me. The phone rang upon my call, so that was indeed possible, wasn't it?
"Hallo?", my mother tried again. Apparently, she did not hear me.
"Mama! Mama!", I called into the phone, not wanting to give up. I just couldn't accept the cruel truth.
But she put down the receiver again after not hearing a sound. "Seltsam.", she said, before returning into the living room.
I kept calling for her through the phone, despite seeing her walking back, only stopping after Law put a hand on my shoulder. "What is this?", I repeated. He wouldn't know the answer.
"Let's go back. Obviously, it has something to do with the portal.", he said. But I didn't want to leave. I finally got back home.
"I am here for everyone else! You can see me, you're family can see me, the people at the airport saw me. Why am I here for everyone but my family?!"
"Come.", Law tried pulling me up softly, but I wouldn't stand up. "I can't just leave again."
"I'm finally home.", my voice no more than a whisper. Law didn't try to pull me up anymore. He just sat down somewhere near, waiting for me to calm down.
I wouldn't calm down before evening set in. I tried gaining the attention of my family a few more times, everytime a little bit less forceful, as my hopes were shattered over and over again. I continued until my tries were nothing more than something I did because I just couldn't bring myself to stop. There wasn't any force behind them anymore, because there was not really any hope in trying anymore. But I wanted to at least wait for my father to come home from work. Maybe he could see me.
I waited at the window for my dad to come home. My room was the only place I could attempt to forget this mess for some time. Though I was always reminded every time I heard my brother laughing in the room next door about something. Something I couldn't ask him about. Something he couldn't share with me, since I didn't seem to be present. I had waited some time in the living room, but it was too painful to see my mother going after her everyday life. I felt like a ghost.
At some point I wondered why I held all the despair and pain inside, not allowing myself to cry. I guessed I still clinged to the hope of my father seeing me and just didn't want to cry before I had tried everything. Maybe I aslo didn't want to look weak in front of Law, though that would be stupid. Especially since he had already seen me cry. Maybe it was still a remnant of my stubbornness to not being able to accept this far too cruel reality. But now that I held it back in for a while, some kind of blockade seemed to be in place. It wasn't very hard to not cry anymore. The only times when it was really hard, were when I heard the voices or laughter of my brothers or mother.
When I finally saw our car driving up the street, I excitedly told Law, who had made himself comfortable on the sofa. I refused to speak about any possible explanations for this nightmare, so he kept to himself. He seemed to have an idea about what was going on, but I simply didn't want to hear it right now.
"He's coming! He will take notice of me. I'm sure.", I told myself. I remembered the times when I tried startling my dad, but always failed. He would say he felt me coming. At the time, I always thought that a simple excuse of course, but I was never able to surprise him no matter how good I was, so I couldn't put it off as an excuse completely. In my despair, I now clinged to this simple statement of his.
I heard the door being unlocked and ran to the entrance of our home. My mom stood up from the sofa as well. My parents greeted each other like they always did. A quick peck on the lips. My dad continued undressing his jacket and getting off his shoes. "Papa ich bin wieder zu Hause!", I called. Ignoring his non-reaction, I stood decisively in his way to the bed room, where he would go next to change. Upon reaching me, I hugged him. But the man would just keep walking, despite my tries to stop him.
"Papa ich bin hier! Bleib stehen!", I shouted. But no matter how hard I tried to make him stop, he casually reached the bed room. It was as though I was never in his way. Curling up in front of the now closed bed room door, I tried holding back the tears threatening to fall once again. This just couldn't be true.
Law stood in the hallway I had just tried to stop my father to pass. He had watched the scene silently. Now standing in front of me, he tried once more to get me to leave.
"No, I just- I just have to... wait. Right, tomorrow everything will be alright again. This is just a nightmare, I just have to wake up from it.", I tried convincing myself and Law, smiling a forced smile. "Just- Just kill me. Once you die in a dream, you wake up, because you cannot die in a dream. So please, just kill me.", I tried explaining to him. My voice cracked with tears threatening to fall. I was about to lose the fight against my overflowing emotions. But this only made him frown.
"This is no dream.", he said in a clear voice. "It may be a nightmare, but you're not dreaming, Catherine-ya.", he knew there was no use in sugarcoating things. I knew it too, but I refused to believe it.
"But this can't be true. This can't be reality. This just can't be.", I pleaded, still hearing that damned song. I tried ignoring it but it just wouldn't go away, reapeating itself over and over again.
"Life is cruel.", was the only thing he said in response. His voice was a little softer and quieter than before. I knew he was talking with experience. He had also lost his family. It was no more than three words, but they pierced right through my heart. Those words made it impossible for me to keep ignoring reality, because I knew they were true. Life was so cruel. I always thought to be rather lucky. Was this the price? This was not fair.
Tears finally streamed down my face. I didn't hold back any sobs. Neither did I hold back the need for another one's warmth, so I hugged the pirate standing next to me without thinking. I felt him tensing up immediately, reminding me that he would not like this. For a moment I thought I should let go of him, but against my expectation, he did not push me back, so I kept holding onto him. At some point I noticed one of his hands resting on my head.
It took a while for me to calm down. Once I did, I finally let go of Law. "Sorry for hugging you so suddenly, I just-", I apologized, but he cut me off.
"Let's go. There must be some information in the library at the Trafalgar estate.", he said. He began walking towards the exit, but stopped after noticing I didn't follow him. "What is it? Still want to stay here?", he asked, a hint of frustration in his voice. With the time I had spent on the submarine, I got better at noticing those tiny hints of emotion he couldn't keep out of his voice. I shook my head in response to his question before following after him. "Thanks Law.", I talked to his back. He didn't respond.
Translations:
(1) "Hallo, sind Sie frei?" - "Hello, are you free?"
(2) "Wo soll's denn hingehen?" - "Where to?"
(3) "Danke für die Fahrt." - "Thanks for the drive."
(4) "Schönen Tag." - "Have a nice day."
(5) "Mama!" - "Mom!"
(6) "Ich bin hier. Ich bin endlich wieder zu Hause!" - "I'm here. I'm finally back home!"
(7) "Young am Apparat. Hallo?" - "Young speaking. Hello?"
(8) "Mama? Ich bin hier. Direkt neben dir." - "Mom? I'm here. Right next to you."
(9) "Seltsam." - "Strange."
(10) "Papa ich bin wieder zu Hause." - "Dad I'm back home."
(11) "Papa ich bin hier! Bleib stehen!" - "Dad I'm here! Stop!"179Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgb8SUyeFsW
