她叫張漫青,別人都會很親切地叫她「青青」;是一個大學二年級學生。947Please respect copyright.PENANAf6k9LxvOkc
947Please respect copyright.PENANAeCHH2Ambhe
和前度分手之後,她也有嘗試和男生約會,畢竟她的情感需求並不少,需要與人相愛才能感到安全;但是,那些人都並非真心或純粹地喜歡她。947Please respect copyright.PENANAQF8VRs4ZL7
947Please respect copyright.PENANAF4jbroqrdk
例如,Leo是她的組員,需要一同完成功課。947Please respect copyright.PENANA4a04WTgZ6R
947Please respect copyright.PENANAaHGAMwPVNp
二人在網上連線聊着揀選什麼資料時,他時常都會插入曖昧的話語;有時,她稱讚隔籬組同學人品很好,他就會說:「邊個夠你好啊?我都想要一個好似你咁樣的女朋友。」947Please respect copyright.PENANA6YrqdNpyrU
947Please respect copyright.PENANAq7ZPdpDEc7
重重複複,他竟然說不厭,但她已經聽到煩。947Please respect copyright.PENANAr8MssJ3LJi
947Please respect copyright.PENANAKJFaGP7CgS
青青尷尬:「唔好講呢啲啦,快啲做嘢。」947Please respect copyright.PENANAKv1IvJ5wdL
947Please respect copyright.PENANAejbRz3hPZu
「OKOK,做完先講。係呢,你冇男朋友咩?」他總是沒法專心做功課。947Please respect copyright.PENANAcWQoGTSXzd
947Please respect copyright.PENANA1UMtdQwRXe
「冇。」她只怕爛grade。947Please respect copyright.PENANAvRuaDSC3yD
947Please respect copyright.PENANA8LbFezlSUD
「點解會冇㗎。我抵諗啲啦……」947Please respect copyright.PENANAIVEyWVBtRs
947Please respect copyright.PENANAGX69cvsrzX
「你就想。」青青想起Leo的Instagram裏,有一張團體合照,其中,他與一個女生哄得特別埋。直覺告訴她,他應該有女朋友——這或許與預感無關,是她不願再聽見他的曖昧話語。947Please respect copyright.PENANAsUxwU8zJIM
947Please respect copyright.PENANAqim078uENk
她試探地問:「你有女朋友㗎,唔好講呢啲啦。」947Please respect copyright.PENANA26eIgDaJ8L
947Please respect copyright.PENANAOWnm7r3GCK
「咦,你又知我有女朋友嘅,哈哈。」他呆住,然後尷尬地笑了兩下,承認。947Please respect copyright.PENANAD2CvtcelYz
947Please respect copyright.PENANAZIm3cFU4Wu
她也笑,慶幸Leo並非純熟的玩家,面前直接的提問時,還是會露怯。她可不想因為「傾多兩句」就背負了與他人男友親近的罪名,如果Leo真有女友,她會更小心一點說話。947Please respect copyright.PENANABlPT5P34po
947Please respect copyright.PENANANTZadXKm6E
這段時間裏,她遇見許多人,新識、舊故,無往不利;多聊幾句,就似無法擁有純粹的友誼。947Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7PQS6HeWL
947Please respect copyright.PENANAcypgvtZlu6
又譬如,青青與同事Dennis十分投契,工作沉悶,可是他總會來找她聊幾句。有次,他看見她在座位上蜷縮一團,轉頭就給她買熱飲和暖包。回家之後,更是主動地找她吹水,覆得很快。947Please respect copyright.PENANAQ2zdFp13Wt
947Please respect copyright.PENANAzUvzb1eOrv
他經常發表單身宣言,她便沒有拘緊地與他相處;她不用再擔心他是別人的男友,以免誤傷另一個無辜女生。947Please respect copyright.PENANAa6zUZf6HnA
947Please respect copyright.PENANAehdEzI5NdN
「點解你Instagram唔Po嘢嘅?」Dennis問青青。947Please respect copyright.PENANA4jNNeYW4WY
947Please respect copyright.PENANALnihoDf4wu
「Err…冇嘢好Po啊。」947Please respect copyright.PENANA9qDzXCPDdr
947Please respect copyright.PENANABpKzqNSUKN
「如果你Po咗,我咪有多一個藉口搵你傾偈囉,可以覆吓你啲story吖嘛。」947Please respect copyright.PENANAC2V7ZBS1Hc
947Please respect copyright.PENANAYHHhVduAca
青青感覺到,Dennis似乎對她有意,平時亦盡顯細心體貼。947Please respect copyright.PENANAnzGfh06vRx
947Please respect copyright.PENANAIfOfmbK5cG
她並不抗拒,慢慢,變得很期待和他傾偈;她分不清自己是喜歡他,還是,喜歡他的熱情和主動。947Please respect copyright.PENANAETFQEq4zTB
947Please respect copyright.PENANAK8Tl5JLJYY
有溫度的來往,足以撫平躁動的心。947Please respect copyright.PENANAfKTpjsR87e
947Please respect copyright.PENANAfcU0oWY8DY
即使分了手不算一段短時間,但她仍未適應沒有愛人的寂寞,她發現感情極其脆弱,曾經那麼真誠柔和的目光,可以變成厭惡的迴避。一刻快樂,確實無價,可是,如果快樂十分短暫,對方又要捨她而去,她是決不會交出真心的。947Please respect copyright.PENANA9i5Xk9w4nj
947Please respect copyright.PENANAGWTEEwKWkn
愛情於她,不再是傾倒的天秤,她要確保對方真鍾愛她,才願意投入更多可愛可親;傻傻地迷戀對方,就算受他欺侮仍心懷希望——947Please respect copyright.PENANAV2FQAvZDpQ
947Please respect copyright.PENANA4p9KFDbCZa
這已經是舊時的童趣。她已經長大了一點,僅僅是一點,但比沒有多。947Please respect copyright.PENANAI2I881o6hI
947Please respect copyright.PENANAzl3hRapxoL
畢竟,重新適應一個人,很累。感情好的時候,百分百信任對方,身家、性命、財產她都不介意傾盡;抽離的時候,卻遺落了自己在舊街故巷,她並不完整了。947Please respect copyright.PENANAh7eJ1bt3G6
947Please respect copyright.PENANAosEzSZZ1wj
青青對Dennis有些期許,因為,他常常都會說喜歡她。年輕愚痴的她對甜言蜜語並無抵抗力。947Please respect copyright.PENANAZQ8QgihSeP
947Please respect copyright.PENANAQayRiQHE01
只是,他又會突然失蹤,有時一整天都音訊全無,或者回覆得很冷淡、簡短——欲擒故縱嗎?可是她只覺得很沒有安全感,要是真的想聯絡她,一整天總能抽一點時間吧——是否?947Please respect copyright.PENANAtZGEMStIiH
947Please respect copyright.PENANAU2fWE4CJnv
她的內心有個問號。947Please respect copyright.PENANAjjuAEO2mgI
947Please respect copyright.PENANA3aCBBrnbfs
再隔一會兒,她才發現,他同時在追求很多女生,不斷發展不同形式的男女關係。947Please respect copyright.PENANAwlCiI5v15Y
947Please respect copyright.PENANAFKfvaynDTc
他確實是單身,但是,他對她的喜歡並非心無雜念的鍾情。他能夠在射精到他人胸部後打字回覆她說:「掛住你。」可是,手上明明還殘留床伴體液的味道。947Please respect copyright.PENANAV5YhYYsYDC
947Please respect copyright.PENANAbmo9W3MIdT
青青無法接受這種喜歡。947Please respect copyright.PENANAbMLz4VLWpV
947Please respect copyright.PENANAFyFvlGCZNu
「唔係啊,咁你又未應承我,所以我先至同時追其他人咋。至於fwb……好難忍㗎,有陣時想要就真係要解決。」Dennis說。947Please respect copyright.PENANAkfCqy4f1SD
947Please respect copyright.PENANALxH19kmQwn
「我冇意見,只係接受唔到——你可以同時對住我同其他女仔……」青青承認自己的私心。947Please respect copyright.PENANA96zjual8CO
947Please respect copyright.PENANAZ1yyl1sIup
她比較貪婪,她希望他在曖昧之時不要分神,不要將心思落在其他女生身上。她想起每次他的失蹤,都覺得可笑,在她焦灼地等待時,他或因與他人夜夜笙歌而分不開身;身軀畢竟只有一個,心肝脾肺腎的興奮無法從電波傳送給她。947Please respect copyright.PENANA4S0W7WHcPD
947Please respect copyright.PENANAJ97sgb6eDv
他同時「喜歡」很多人,是他的自由;她無意干涉。947Please respect copyright.PENANAo1rrJAngI8
947Please respect copyright.PENANA8HcTZvYTpQ
只是,她失望於他無法專心待她,僅僅如此。947Please respect copyright.PENANAY52xZOAOza
947Please respect copyright.PENANAhOQoZHZc2Z
青青回想Dennis所說的:「喂喂,咁我真係幾鍾意你吖嘛。」便覺得他在欺詐;他最愛的是自己,鍾情的是自己永不枯萎的男性魅力,而不是她。947Please respect copyright.PENANAqQjGoudo5x
947Please respect copyright.PENANAL1fIPbOHDg
還有一些人,他們隨便與她聊幾句天,便說:「點解我遇唔到好似你咁好嘅女仔㗎!」947Please respect copyright.PENANA6boOGKvITb
947Please respect copyright.PENANAfcPnBwEgka
挑!咪再派好人卡畀我啦——她總是無奈。947Please respect copyright.PENANA9prMMQmI5O
947Please respect copyright.PENANAJnfzD0Stkf
速食時代,傾幾句偈就是「喜歡」,明明只得些許好感,卻硬要往「愛」上升;青青不明白意義何在,性格相對慢熱的她完全吃不消,每次她看見別人的深情,只是覺得很煩亂,因為感覺,太假了。947Please respect copyright.PENANAaIEMgzrN8a
947Please respect copyright.PENANA0TeIYNRXLd
他們並不認識她,卻說,喜歡她。947Please respect copyright.PENANALHtkJP8P92
947Please respect copyright.PENANA47s5fK5F65
喜歡她什麼?947Please respect copyright.PENANA8Jr6B08lMA
947Please respect copyright.PENANAIs5FYq1eEX
她的斯文和溫柔,只是對着陌生人的客套;真實的她,喜歡看地獄笑話,對住熟人亦有些口賤。難道他們喜歡她疏離冷漠之下的表演麼。947Please respect copyright.PENANAeJKMwUzemm
947Please respect copyright.PENANAWq5O9xf60R
無非想進入一段足夠相愛、別無異心的感情,是否很困難?947Please respect copyright.PENANAMdLJWvQpQY
947Please respect copyright.PENANAmkXOTkkJWr
這一年間,青青遇過幾個男生,將其中一位寫在了小說之中,她在文字裏叫「張青兒」,對方是林子樂。947Please respect copyright.PENANA5Y9GuKy72y
947Please respect copyright.PENANACnkKWTlI41
可是,在現實中,他們只是聊了幾次天,互相沒有情愫,二人只是朋友和大學同學;準確點而言,阿樂是——青青的好友許雅君——的Hallmate。947Please respect copyright.PENANAoxWvhz8pFA
947Please respect copyright.PENANAQdr8Ku6vvc
她承認自己寫的東西是「假」的,是,這可能是很蠢的行為,但的確、不得不講,只有在小說這個虛構的場境中,才能不那麼孤單——她所索求的一種實切的温暖,只能從並不存在的人物身上取得。而且,為了避免自己過分沉淪,她將男主角「歸還」其心中的女神,不再霸佔這虛幻的愛。947Please respect copyright.PENANAQ9RIGYGczb
947Please respect copyright.PENANA62bSrZD2vx
林子樂說:「喂,你不如執執個look,真係太頹。」947Please respect copyright.PENANAlSjeFYjr7k
947Please respect copyright.PENANAiRxr4qeEjm
青青不是美人。947Please respect copyright.PENANAE87sk1SFx7
947Please respect copyright.PENANAXccdM9WsM1
她的臉色泛黃,皮膚毛孔粗大得不斷收集污垢,滿臉油光;雙目無神、下巴短圓。她尚有斜膊、倒及牙、腳彎、頭髮稀疏、矮小等自己看不過眼的外型缺點。947Please respect copyright.PENANAnvnqsLlVqv
947Please respect copyright.PENANA27IgrGqoeJ
「忙,」她說:「好大壓力呀呢牌,遲啲得閒先啦。」947Please respect copyright.PENANA3MDGB75TuY
947Please respect copyright.PENANA8E5387hbi0
「又話想出pool,男仔只係鍾意靚女——咩類型都好,都係美貌即正義。你正正經經護吓膚啦,唔好捱咁多夜,好傷身囉。」947Please respect copyright.PENANAFs556eLLDR
947Please respect copyright.PENANAqvMXnF26gk
她點點頭,他以男生視覺作出提醒,她沒有理由不聽。947Please respect copyright.PENANALiU4SlOXnq
947Please respect copyright.PENANATt0Tcylm4f
秋末初冬的落葉在風中緩緩飄落,在地上被人踏過,發出「咔嚓」的聲音;飄落而無歸途的心,同樣不成一體。947Please respect copyright.PENANAuy5k9GL5rO
947Please respect copyright.PENANAd9CauF5LW3
她開始迷失,或許,是她沒有被愛的條件,無人非她不可。947Please respect copyright.PENANAn3HXrYUVoZ
947Please respect copyright.PENANAKcYppOpaUp
她本人,沒有資格被珍惜。947Please respect copyright.PENANA4Ngx4Wflwv