My feet ached like heck, it's like I've been dragging them through the needles to get to the hay... wait, is the expression to find a piece of hay in a pile of needles or to find a needle in a hay stack. It's one of those, Lindy explained it to me a while ago. Okay, I'll just find a better way to explain it. It feels like I'm dragging my soles through burning coals. 

That's the thing. I don't know exactly where I am going, but what scares me the most is how excited I am about it. So using the expression earlier, I'm trying to find Dillan. When I was younger, Mom always told me that whenever I'm lost, I can always find Dillan. She called her my 'partner for life.' Funny thing how that's wrong. 

Being on the move has given me a lot of time to think and this one question has irked me. Did Dillan ever love me? Did she put up with me because I was her one minute younger sister with a mental disability. 

Then another question comes: now that I don't have it... will she love me? Most of my life, I've been in that hospital getting tossed around because no one wants me. No one gets my mental disability and they see it as a flaw. A major flaw that nobody wants and make up can't cover up. Sure, Dillan has a prosthetic leg, but she's strong and brave so people respect her. I'm the weak sister in her shadow. 

The lights flickered on the subway as I clenched my teeth and my fists. Weak. I'm not weak anymore. My cuts from jumping through the glass and falling to the pavement tingled with the thought of being weak. I'm not weak. I no longer have visions- well, I more have surreal daydreams but that's not the point! 

"Hello ma'am, are you okay?" A woman asked with concern lingering on her words. 

I tilted my head to look at her then realized that she was blurry. Dang it! I'm crying, I guess Dillan was right. I'm weak. All I'm ever going to be is weak and how can Dillan love me. I wiped away the tears and make a small laugh for show. 

I opened my mouth to speak and not even a squeak came out so I just nodded. The woman gave me a small smile before gently resting her hand on my shoulder. "We should clean those cuts, what's your name?"

This is the part where I hate that I lost my whiteboard to some homeless guy on the street. Hey, he gave me a black eye because he wanted my whiteboard. He jumped on my back and just stole it from me so I stole his money and ran. It seemed like a good idea at the time in my defense. 

I gestured to my throat and shook my head which luckily, she understood. She opened her big, brown leather purse and shuffled through it before she pulled out bright green sticky notes and handed them over with a pen across the pad. 

I scribbled down: Eddie. She gave it a quick look over and then asked, "How did you get those cuts?"

'I jumped out of a window' I quickly wrote down in my chicken scratch. She raised her eyebrows and widened her eyes. She mouthed what I wrote except with you instead of I. 

I nodded and then she sat down next to me. Dillan would be m- don't think of Dillan. The lights flickered again. The ride made me jump up and down in my chair but man, I am done. I can't handle this. Maybe that's why Dillan thinks I'm weak.

The lights flickered once more as I pounded my fist into my leg, I winced a little but that doesn't matter. The lady watched me with keen interest which made me feel more like an animal trapped in some sort of menagerie. That's better than feeling weak because animals can find a way to slither out. 

The subway stopped and I abruptly got up and ran out the second the doors opened leaving the lady to wonder where I am going. 

I ran past people, at the moment I'm skin and bone seeing that I haven't eaten much in a few weeks. I somehow didn't hit anyone but when I was in the clear, I tripped. Why, I do not l know. A girl with white hair passed me and my heart froze. Is that Dillan? I spat, I don't care about Dillan anymore. She's dead to me. She's probably not even bothering to find me. 

Is this what a break up feels like? Is this what it feels like when you trusted someone with everything only to have it torn apart and thrown back at you? If so, it hurts. Is she even looking fo- don't be hopeful. If she got out, she would be waiting for me under our favorite tree at Pandæmonium Park. I checked there last night and she was nowhere to be found. So she gave up. And the worst part is that the thought of seeing my twin sister again was the one thing that kept me going in the attic. Dealing with Valencia. Life. Everything and you know what she was probably thinking? It's a nice clear day out without my burden clinging to my back. And the worst part is that my fears are probably right. 

I ran to Pandæmonium park and growled at the tree, we had our names carved in it circled by a crescent moon. I closed my eyes to prevent any tears from falling. Dillan never cried so why should I? And why over her? Why is she so special anyways? 

A new tree. Exactly what I need, new memories and no more past. I found a small one and sat down to watch the vendors dressed up as demon circle the green selling their items. I wonder if any of them remember me. I got up and felt the money I stole from the homeless guy. I really want an apple. 

I got up and walked to the produce section and saw the vendor dressed as a vampire. I remember when Dillan an- no, when I was growing up, I came down here dressed as different things and the vendors always said that I would make it here. Then I had a hallucination which would make me look even more right for the job. 

"Eddie Crazie?" The vampire exclaimed in a thick, fake, Transylvanian accent.

I sheepishly smiled and waved. Uncle Jo. He's one of the ones who takes this character to the extreme and tries to suck blood out of the apple claiming that the red skin is an apple's blood. He's not really my uncle but I grew close to him. 

"You look awful, deary, come over here. Don't worry, I won't drink your blood. I give you my blood word."

I chuckled and went behind the booth  next to him and grabbed an apple. He grinned then examined my cuts while I took a big bite of my apple. He got a first aid kit and by the time he was done (he was fast), I was at the core of my apple and already grabbing another. 

Then an oath popped into my mind. 

Eddie Crazie disowns her family. Eddie Crazie now has no one. Eddie Crazie will save someone's day and prove she's not weak. And most of all, Eddie Crazie will not see her sister.