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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqexfpQCgg
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2W4QFsYT5
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjM7zigqiYw
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZVypF6gGf
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUNcn8Wash
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIOtZj0xNZ
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA3yg9Kmbvz
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWcas65i3FP
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjubXEBLI9Q
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5iv1BVPfn
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP39XxhHTDv
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHk8CjMy4gl
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDmBTKLppt
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0j7Gx2yZPE
Then I cried for what felt like forever.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAczzAW6RGs
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd78s3Si9ol
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAeWXig3nDY
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49syZQu4o4
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSqt0SJFwX
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9N7edbABva
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOCXJwP4j9
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLdPh9sRk6f
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjg7sscWe0Z
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvaThvV7v5
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBR5cABTx0n
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfoR9a6VLFw
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7ntKjmRsQ
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvKGsjK68O
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9R6N4dttGR
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9y6KBSaObM
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZ7gPqVCTw
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyC5q9BbPnz
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMuzDPKdtf
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7pNCCreLP
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdo2nfXR8h
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LmLTp1t5G
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmgBm9V2qh
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdqvhWEGnz
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErITQUGy05
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkMqVAKD1M
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPEVAntocH
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8MnSgFRMh9
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUE8JTMhju
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ29yWVdP73c
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1LJWPY6kH
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjATT9kvRYA
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnwPj89RV0
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YjSSJnmkh
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpdHqa0LdW
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUbnxzN0Ch1
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5XqKTdiLt2
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nf0ZXGKop
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAwOpwwsTNo
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4r3VqI3Q86
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEw1MjORupr
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbKzGss2Pk
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKlsFKQ0Xf
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjQCuhYoZYK
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjP4VEa867y
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL07Slc19GC
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrsqfeXYPw
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡExNw5vxPrv
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZzPxcSyF1
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAiyuDtp9K
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MSHm9GPFT
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIQF5HbSBv
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQ5MN4eA4h
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMnh0UC4WcJ
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3cW6wriYBl
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF8fj9vpyxX
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhyjv392DST
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJW0JFuA4lV
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqio7pAHMB
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcwikntiBZ
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTrXCJlg7I8
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GM8X4tD0R
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVu8yazfG9Z
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpi1vtiQ4sG
But that’s another story.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQZOWekMT1
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LGvqf55Pm
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”141Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUnZkGqiUZm
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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