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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yWt9NKUFD
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1sBUIGeJg
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30PTo6iXou
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNPr3Gai14z
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZIj6CM09y
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLuQu4Qtd4
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseo9gTxAiq
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJisYI9uxZ
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWyXF7hm8B
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6waEt1tniV
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3nmIpTW4K
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcE2KosvzSm
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl1mNGmySZn
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJFclvZksO
Then I cried for what felt like forever.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnwWASKttex
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCO4Swq8N5O
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdAw4SJCIzU
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUA06QPm0eY
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdNLK3rBv79
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOQ4VFUBeJY
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ79X5sWxr9
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9gw2kEWks
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRawcaQkO3
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqiiqiZYAT
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡifFyuFZYv7
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhp6xvcyXF
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6Nbu0qJqj
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmtxNTUUr3
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyuFnfj2WMR
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJnBfSQONfa
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNO0DBasCYh
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzHm0CGrKX
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwXq95fl6r6
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzF12dnLQwp
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKmJxMQWJw
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWL3bIlA0JS
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIQdIa6eO9
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzOporvQ7h
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1jINxfCrvU
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQQKqYdWgh
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVyGUe7Mg0
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcAKkQ4Tl3i
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJUiIcRkqg
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7dIlLRRPc
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOmsg0P6BH4
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn8syh0cnAi
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbsHmR5M9AF
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdeFP2b8L1k
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnK2zyw0qhh
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkZOSvwrLo
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYzjyrtUFKo
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEYI0BlIIxZ
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsO3eX5HY3
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6mzyOg7qYm
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vvPzOLWZ9
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3i1JnqIj6c
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPGwGNF7lN
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJBaw6Rt11L
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlv7CFRxqfX
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy75DMifTrv
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAT9zAXfjPY
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0MhwvWEjg
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizPZPQgKZg
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wlxmYrckB
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPJ7GsC6I1
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ37FBKp5DyX
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9coCJnrwi5
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjdFBjpQR8
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQEaoNGwKM
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxnhN3oVzQ8
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGRxbARO25
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODjNjqFZvW
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1HTk1hl5P
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyE3KIgUD1N
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QjMGRBFKZ
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HWs9PyEfA
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvAyJEXzYiZ
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxAaBXJSkU
But that’s another story.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CAGk6DytL
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdb5S80DBG2
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”93Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV6GztieJ9T
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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