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Three Years Later…
Keegan
It’s been three years since Blue was taken away from me. Three agonizingly long years. But it’s almost over now.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVj4h3yim6b
It could have been a lot longer. Blue was originally sentenced to eight years in prison. Eight years. Just thinking about that now makes my stomach drop.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRSZC7QvCGc
I cried out when the sentence was read in the courtroom. Like a fool, I screamed at the panel that convicted him. I screamed at the judge. I couldn’t control myself. The sentence seemed so unfair, so pointless.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQTnZYq9I9O
Naturally, I was thrown out by the bailiff. So I didn’t even get to say goodbye to Blue before he was taken away.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JbAwteHBO
Devastated, I went home to my room at the ranch. I curled up into a ball on my bed and stayed that way for the next week.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhmkKUnxn7
I didn’t bathe; I barely ate. I just wanted to sleep all the time, to dream that Blue was right next to me, tangled up with me.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7PZQFo5pSc
I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone. I was mad at the Army, mad at the world, mad at God.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zg3y5jWUG
Most of all, I was so goddamn angry at myself. If I hadn’t written everything down in my journal, none of this would’ve happened.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekr7L3XBPG
I didn’t see any way to go on. Not without Blue. Not for eight years, without Blue.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSiohyCNJXF
When I finally emerged from my self-pitying coccoon and started acting somewhat sane, Virginia gave me the letter from Blue.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCKYfOT3oou
He’d intended for me to have it right away. But Holmlund was worried how it would affect me. So he gave the letter to my grandmother and asked her to give it to me when she thought the time was right.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1oFqUlfTs0
I was pissed that she held it for so long. More than pissed. I was fucking furious at both her and Holmlund. How dare they make that decision?148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7TFq6Mxv8S
I screamed at my grandmother. I told her she had no right to withhold the letter from me. I stormed out of the house and into the barn, saddled Okie and took off at a gallop with the letter still unopened in my jeans pocket.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFZFtLVTFZP
I didn’t read it until I reached the cabin. I went up to the loft, to the bed where I’d spent so many nights with Blue, ripped open the letter, and read it through, slowly, three times.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCquXiNpUqe
Then I cried for what felt like forever.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8uRqImN8Lw
But after that, I got angry at Blue. I mean, I understood what he was trying to do. He was thinking of me, of what he thought was best for me.
But did he really think I would just walk away and forget I ever knew him? Did he really think I could do that?148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcWk2S1t3cS
By the time I headed back toward the house, it was dusk. I took it slow, giving Okie his lead, moving at a gentle pace through the dark. I cried a little more, thinking about my romantic ride through the darkness with Blue several months ago. It seemed like another lifetime, when we did that.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsszG8FLjc7
But I also started thinking about something Holmlund told me earlier when he called to check on me and Virginia literally had to force the phone into my hand.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCC2xrvMh7b
“Keegan,” Holmlund said, “do you remember I told you the day the verdict was read that it wasn’t the end, that I still had some tricks up my sleeve?148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKkAb7Rf8w9
I didn’t answer: I just stood there silently, sulking like a baby. But I was listening.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBxIVvN0ch8
Holmlund went on, telling me about the Army Clemency and Parole Board.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvCMKJNOWlO
“After nine months, Blue can request clemency from the board. That means his sentence could be set aside completely or at least reduced, if we can convince the board that he deserves it.”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgjvilHrn5
And that lit a little flame of hope inside me. Clemency. If anybody deserves clemency, it is Blue Daniels.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXscUw17pba
First though, we had to get through the initial nine months.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj4QlGtmXyX
It took two months before I was allowed to visit Blue at Fort Leavenworth in Kansas. That’s because at first, he wouldn’t sign the permission form to have me cleared to come to the prison.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhr9z2uxmk
He wouldn’t even make the collect call to the ranch that he was allowed once a week. He called his mother, but not me.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxaqYaZjmI
He was applying tough love, I guess. He wanted me to do what he’d asked me to do in the letter. He wanted me to walk away.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPrFWpOt3Cp
But I was not going anywhere. And I was going to make Blue talk to me.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZOkMXUaqCO
So I drove to Tulsa, to his mom’s house. A sympathetic Maria had told me when he was supposed to call her, and when he did, she answered and then handed the phone to me, walking away to give us some privacy.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS7KOHBYmGZ
I just stood there for a minute, holding the phone, debating what to say.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JTXCBioF8
“Hello?” I heard Blue say. “Mama?”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1nfhFKLB2
Then I exploded. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoqfKiFlvDW
Silence on the other end. And then, finally, his voice, weak and uncertain. “Keegan?”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeK6vDvpc90
“Answer my question!” I snapped. “What is wrong with you? What do you think you’re doing, cutting me out like this? Do you know what it’s doing to me, Blue? Do you?”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayUWAQEiFZ
He didn’t answer, so I barreled on.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4gG0esWK0
“How dare you send me a letter like that and then just expect me to walk away. Like I could even do that. What the hell were you thinking, huh? And, then, then, you pull this crap of not letting me come see you, not calling me?”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIqIEkf9WC
He was still not responding, and I was working myself into a frenzy.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplMlkep4mg
“You’re just a . . . a stubborn jackass! I’m not going anywhere, do you understand me? You are stuck with me. If I have to drive up to that prison and stand outside all day, every day, ‘til you sign that form, I’ll do it. You are not getting rid of me that easy. So don’t even think I’m walking away from you!”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf7DM8by4X1
Still, there was silence. I began to wonder if he’d hung up. But listening closer, I could hear his shallow breathing. The kind of breaths you take when you’re crying.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96xckf1IBZ
“For God’s sake, Blue, say something!”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqlR45nxO0c
There was another long pause. “Eight years is too long, Keegan,” he finally said, sighing, his voice small and miserable. “It’s just too long. I can’t let you wait around for me, don’t you get that? I can’t do it.”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zwztMi7OS
“You have no choice. Do you get that, Blue? You. Have. No. Choice.”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWW0bnZr7v
My body couldn’t decide at that moment whether to start screaming again or break down crying.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOtw2lsWj5
“I’m waiting.” Now I'm half shouting and half crying. “And you are not shutting me out!"148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Ku4zotSQh
I let my words hang there a moment. Then I went on a tad more calmly.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrcegpIxGyE
"Besides, it won’t be eight years. Don’t you remember the clemency board Holmlund talked about? We already have a plan on that. So don’t think you’re getting rid of me. I told you, I will come up to that prison and stand outside of it every fucking day until you let me in. And I mean it!”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxzn9jKhkky
He did eventually sign the form, and Maria and I started taking turns driving up to see Blue. And he started calling me at the ranch as often as he could.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk4vXEZvsjU
It wasn’t nearly enough. But it was better than nothing.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKB3y6XAtvY
And that’s where Blue's music started to help. It was out there, being consumed, being shared, moving hearts and minds. Frasier Bryson was doing everything in his power to tell Blue's story, to advocate for him.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxfybLJJs6
At the same time, Virginia was pulling political strings, calling in favors.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLCbyO9dWV3
All of us—me, Holmlund, Virginia, Maria, Bryson —threw ourselves into the effort to get clemency for Blue.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXev1bCQ4C
His conviction generated headlines around the world, and we did everything possible to keep his name and face and cause in the public eye for those nine long months before he could apply.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwP7SeqYoB6
And public opinion started to change. You could feel it.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjOO3GBEuoR
I mean, there were still plenty of haters out there. I tried to avoid seeing the venom online. We still had to be careful with our own security.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAs9iF1viD
But by the time Holmlund filed an appeal with the clemency board, public sympathy for Blue seemed at an all-time high.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9R8VsDHGLV
And when the board met, Cunny’s mom miraculously showed up to speak on Blue’s behalf, saying she believed clemency was what her son would want.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbM4xo0czkv
Blue broke down and sobbed as she spoke. So did I.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70FFp3tEev
Even with all that, though, it took almost a year. The board dithered and delayed its decision. Holmlund said there must have been some strong opposition to granting Blue clemency.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSA5ksKfBJN
But finally—finally—we got word he would be released just after his three-year incarceration date.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddtpncAP9h
And now, I’m on the highway, almost to the Leavenworth exit. I’m going to pick him up, bring him home to the ranch.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZYDLI5rFo
Maria was kind enough to let me come by myself, to give us a little time alone together. She’s waiting at the ranch for him, along with Bryson.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxxRye0Dtn
They’re a couple now. I guess when they met, they made an instant connection. Kind of like me and Blue.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gZF3NhmCm
They were scared to tell Blue about it at first. They didn’t know how he’d react. But he’s been okay with it. In fact, I think he’s thrilled.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKMWJh3Fnsx
“Who would have thought?” he laughed in our last phone call. “Bryson and my mom.”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡybqB55ynl5
I’m beyond excited to get Blue out of prison. My body and my soul have ached for him every day, every second, that’s he been away. I’ve driven myself crazy thinking about what he’s gone through at Leavenworth.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLlhovFuk8
I can’t wait for him to touch me, hold me, make love to me. I want him to be rough and tender and crazed with passion and wild with adoration, all at the same time.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMzfLTPfDj3
But I’m also nervous about our reunion. About how it will be between us. Three years is a long time, and inevitably, we’ve both changed.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGbCSjJnwUZ
Blue’s sadder, more introspective. I can see it in his eyes when I visit, hear it in his words.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfAphP8AWp
He’s been a model prisoner, teaching music classes to inmates, writing more songs. He’s a better, stronger person now, I think.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfETtuFuHT
I’ve changed, too. At least I hope I have. The last three years have helped me grow up.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcBAEIq9tTW
I’ve spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, helping care for her. That nagging cough that’s dogged her was diagnosed as lung cancer not long after Blue’s conviction.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nh2uTMWfo
Just when it felt like we were getting closer, building the kind of relationship we should have had all along, I may be about to lose her.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4vOJQqNDK
I don’t know how much longer she has. The doctors say probably not more than a year. But they don’t understand what a tough old bird Virginia Cooke is. She may surprise us all.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgGOi1uIKa8
She’s still prickly, still regularly gets under my skin. But I understand her a lot better now.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡieT2pu0FSC
I’m about to finish my degree at OU. I couldn’t bring myself to go back to Ikana, assuming they’d have let me come back. It just wouldn’t be the same.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz50FHFXmXo
And I’ve applied for law school. Not because my grandmother wanted it, but because, after what we’ve experienced, I’m a lot more interested in becoming a lawyer than I ever thought I’d be.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbOCpvdWcPi
I might still go into journalism. But I like the idea of having a law degree as well.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06thGw1T0l
In a surprising turn of events, my brother is now a student at Ikana. Buick is apparently breaking hearts all over campus.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1jwuQa6ds
But that’s another story.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7EBuVy6eh
I see the Leavenworth sign up ahead and turn on my signal.148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvpBM8cLIW
“I’m almost there, Blue,” I say. “I’m almost there.”148Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHHdIwccFcJ
~~~
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Interested in Keegan’s sexy brother Buick? He's got a searing story of his own that will start soon here on Penana! Be sure to follow me so you don't miss You Belong to Me. 😊
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