Ch. 17
POV: RYLAND
When I wake up, a single thought runs through my mind.
That was the best night of sleep I've had in years.
It takes three blinks before my eyes start working properly, another six to fully bring in the view around me. My curtains are closed, but there's light coming through them. There's someone asleep next to me, the tips of their hair tickling my nose, the solid weight of their body pressing against me.
I blink once more, and my vision fully clears.
Fuck me.
I nearly catapult myself out of bed when I realize whose ass is nestled against my hip, my arm draped over her waist, her long limbs tangled with mine, those damn volleyball thighs-
"Oh, Jesus fuck," I whisper. A prayer? A plea? Who fucking knows. Why on God's green Earth had I not put up a pillow wall between us?
At a snail's pace, I pull my right leg out from between Kori's legs, holding my breath. I slowly lift the sheets and slide off the mattress (because a sleeping Kori Merrick is less likely to piss me off) and then I start heading towards the door. With my hand on the doorknob, I pause. And turn around.
And give myself exactly thirty seconds. Thirty seconds to look at her, to think about a world where she kissed me and actually wanted to. A world where she slept next to me like she didn't have a care in the world, like it made perfect sense.
And of course, because I've made this decision to stop, Kori chooses that exact moment to shift in her sleep. With a sigh, she turns to face me in the doorway, her arm falling over the place where I was just seconds ago, her body shifting closer to the side I slept on. She hums softly in her sleep, her fingers coming to a slow stop on the sheets after a second. Almost like she intended to glide them over my stomach.
My chest aches as she exhales, curling in on herself a little tighter. Like her brain's acknowledging the lack of warmth from my body and trying to make up for it.
I'm still not sure what's going on with the two of us. We kissed last Friday. And yesterday. A lot. Does that mean we get to do it again today? That is the million-dollar question, isn't it. And the way her face would light up every time she saw me yesterday...
After a moment, I shake my head and turn away. I guess I can add stalking to my list of offenses now. Honestly, I think I'm reaching new lows for myself every day.
I make my way down the hall, the afternoon sun streaming through the giant library windows as I walk past. It feels like I've been asleep for years, but it's only 10 minutes until noon. Archer's bedroom door is still wide open like I left it last night, so I poke my head in to make sure he didn't choke to death on his own vomit or anything.
From the sound of his snores, he's alive.
It's unnervingly quiet on the first floor, and the knowledge that Kori fucking Merrick is asleep in my bed right over my head is doing wonders for my already rising anxiety. I can't resist stuffing a piece of ham into my mouth as I grab all the ingredients I need for a sandwich. The good thing about sandwiches is that they require no real work: no ovens, no microwaves, no toasters. You just slap two pieces of bread on the ends, and you're done.
I'm halfway through eating my third sandwich when there's a knock on the front door. I glance in the direction of the door, and then down at the sandwich in my hands. There's a mental battle that last about five seconds where I debate ignoring whoever's there, but then the knock comes again, louder this time. My thoughts float to Merrick, sound asleep wrapped up in my sheets, and the conversation we'll no doubt have to have as soon as she's awake.
Suddenly, I'm opening the front door. "What?"
Hannah nearly runs over my foot as she wheels herself inside. "Good morning," she says. When I turn around to snap at her about broken toes, something hits me in the chest instead. "I brought you those."
My eyes fall to my feet, where a box of Little Debbie's oatmeal creme pies now sits.
"I, uh, hope you still like them." Hannah's staring down at her nails as she speaks, picking at the corners. They're painted lime green, just like her hair. "You...you used to eat them all the time when we were younger."
I blink, slowly bending down to pick the box up.
"It's a peace offering, if that wasn't clear," Hannah continues, and now she's looking up at me, and those are definitely tears in her eyes. I am so not ready for this conversation. "I'm sorry about the other night, Ryland. Honest. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that, especially in front of Archer. I...I know this is tough for you, and I don't mean to add any unnecessary stress, and-" She blinks twice. "And what are you doing?"
"What?"
"I didn't mean for you to eat them now!"
I swallow the rest of the pie, wiping at my mouth. "Am I not allowed to do what I want with my own apology gift?"
Hannah's mouth pops open as she stares at me, but then she's laughing. "I don't even know how you eat those things," she says. "They taste like shit."
"Excuse you, these things are the stuff of dreams. I would commit heinous crimes for an oatmeal creme pie."
"If you say so." She tucks her hair behind her ear, and we lock eyes. Gray, just like mine. It makes my chest ache. "I really am sorry, though. What I wanted to say...didn't come out right."
I run a hand through my hair, still wild and unbrushed from my dazed escape out of my room. "No, you wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it."
Hannah releases a slow breath, leaning back in her wheelchair. She runs her hands down her face, pushing her palms into her eyes. "I didn't come that day to fight, Ryland, and that's not what I'm here to do now. I just want to talk. We need to figure this stuff out."
I can't help but stare at Hannah as she speaks. At my sister. The knowledge of that punches me in the gut every time without fail.
Because when my dad got my mom pregnant, she didn't just have me. She had twins.
Thankfully, nobody knows that. My dad doesn't know that, and I'm glad to keep it that way. I don't even want to think about how people would react if they found out that my mom had two of my father's kids. My dad silenced the hell out of my mom about having me, and I'll be damned if she gets denied another kid.
But Austin Montgomery knew. He knew Archer and I didn't have the same mom, and he knew that Hannah and I did. He knew, and to this day I still don't know how. And it's not like I can just go ask him.
"Haven't enough people been hurt?" Hannah asks, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Maybe you should just do as he says for a little."
I blink at that statement. "What?"
"I'm serious, Ryland," Hannah says, her brows furrowing. "Do you realize the hell Mom went through while you were gone?" She doesn't say it, but the undertone is clear. She's talking about herself as well. "Honestly, after everything that's happened, I feel like you should just stay quiet and play nice. Just for a little, you know? We still don't know why he brought you back, and I feel like he's planning something. I'm worried things could get out of hand, and I don't want any more trouble."
The buzzing sound in my ear is back as I try to process what Hannah's saying, but it's difficult. When I look at her, I imagine those years, those few glittering years when we'd been best friends. Inseparable, the way Archer and I eventually grew to be before everything went down. I treasure those memories, the time before my mom got sick, before my bastard dad came crashing into our lives with his ultimatum. The time before I had to lie about everything I ever cared about.
"No, I can't," I say, the words rushing out of me before I can stop them. "I can't stay quiet. I can't play nice. Not with him, not ever."
"Ryland-"
"You don't understand," I interrupt. "You'll never understand because he doesn't know you exist! You haven't had to live with him! You haven't had every little thing about you picked apart and insulted by him! Do you know the shit he had me doing for me? The shit I had to do to "pay my rent"? I put up with all of that to protect you! To protect mom! I don't want you to have to associate with him at all, I don't want him to destroy mom's life any more than he already has, and I can't help that-"
And then Hannah's arms are wrapped around my waist, her legs spread so that I'm standing between them, her cheek pressed against my stomach. I suck in a breath, my sentence disappearing on my tongue.
"I know," she whispers. "And I'm sorry. Forget what I said. This isn't...it's not an interrogation. I'm sorry. Just don't be mad at me, please. I can't get through this without you."
Her words punch holes through my chest. I place my hand on top of her head, threading my fingers through her hair slowly. "I'm not mad at you."
She places her chin on my stomach so she can look up at me. "We'll figure it out," she says. I brush one of her tears away. "We'll figure it all out, okay?"
"Okay."
"And Ryland? One more thing."
"Hmm?"
"I...I want to say..." Hannah swallows, turning her head to press her cheek against my stomach again. After a moment she says, "I want to say thank you. For what happened. I never told you, and I've lived with that regret every night since you left. I...I was just so scared. I was so, so scared, Ryland. But that doesn't excuse me not being there for you. And I'm sorry for that. For what you had to go through alone. I couldn't...I can't even imagine..." Her voice trails off, and she sucks in a shuttering breath.
Her words remind me of Archer's. What he'd said to me during our fight after Kori had left that first night.
These last four years have been torture without knowing how you were doing or if you were okay. My one biggest regret is making you feel like you were alone. I've never stopped thinking about it, not ever.
My eyes prick with tears as I finally return Hannah's hug. But, as much as it sucks, now isn't the time for this conversation.
I step backwards, out of Hannah's arms. "Can we talk about this later?" I ask. "Maybe over brunch tomorrow?"
She rests an elbow on the arm of her wheelchair, placing her chin in her palm. Her facial features melt into a mask of calm, of patience, a small smile appearing. She looks so much like Mom when she does that. "Of course. Whenever you're ready. Just...call the house."
I nod. "And afterwards, maybe...?"
"Yeah," she cuts me off, her eyes glimmering with fresh tears again. "I'd love to visit her afterwards."
A half smile twitches at my lips. Under different circumstances, I'd ask Hannah to stay, but I can't risk Kori seeing her. She's already seen us interact so much lately, and that worries me. "Do you want a ride back?"
I already know how she'll answer, but I always ask anyways. Hannah shakes her head and says, "No, I don't mind going back by myself. It's peaceful, just looking at nature and everything." She sighs, running her hands over the arms of the wheelchair, and I watch her throat bob. "It's not so bad," she whispers after a moment. She looks up and smiles sadly, and it feels like someone's squeezing my heart. "I've gotten pretty used to it."
"Right." I don't trust myself to say anything else.
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After Hannah leaves, I finish my sandwich and then walk back upstairs against my better judgement. There's soft groaning coming from Archer's room, and when I poke my head in, I see him hanging halfway off the bed, his face pointed down towards the ground. He's shirtless, the flannel I'd pulled off him last night in a crumpled ball by his closet. He'd been knocked out before he hit the sheets, so I'd deciding to leave him in his jeans. How he was actually able to sleep in them, I don't know.
Archer releases another string of moans, and I say, "What are you doing?"
He rolls over onto his back, his tan eyes wide and dazed as they lock on me. "Oh, God. Please don't ever let me drink again."
I lean against the doorframe. "Honestly, Arch, I didn't even know you had it in you. I'm impressed."
"I-I usually don't. I swear." Archer's short hair is matted to his forehead, the back sticking up in tufts, and he runs his hands through it in a failed attempt to fix it.
"Right, right." I glance up at the ceiling for a moment before saying, "So, you and Grace, huh?"
Archer instantly springs up into a sitting position. "I-I never...we don't...we aren't...she-"
It's hard not to laugh. Archer stutters like no one I've ever met on a good day, so when he's nervous, waiting for him to finish a sentence is like waiting for rain in a drought. "Easy, don't burst a blood vessel," I say, stepping into the room.
Archer covers his face with his hands and groans. "Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"That!" he exclaims, shaking his head. "Make me feel like a little kid with a crush!"
Is this what the people call 'being a hypocrite'? "Well, you are."
Archer lifts his head and gives me a look. "I've always found Grace very attractive," he huffs bluntly. "You know that. She's just...very loud. And she stomps around everywhere, and it's impossible to not notice her presence, and she has no inside voice, and she drives my stress levels through the roof!" Archer tugs frantically at his roots. "Look at this! She is the sole reason I'm going gray at 18!"
It takes an inhumane amount of strength to keep my face neutral. Archer told me once when we were 9 that he thought Grace was pretty, but I'd never thought too much about it. "And you...don't like that?"
"No! Yes? I don't know!" Archer flops back down onto his bed. "I can't date her."
I dare a step closer to his bed. I'm not sure how close to get, how comfortable to be. "Why not?"
"Because she would absolutely ruin my life, and I'm totally okay with that," he spits out, staring up at the ceiling in defeat. "You know how things are. The firm, Dad's job? Everyone's got status in this town, but we're the sons of the town founder, the sons of the town's biggest investor. At school, in life in general, people look to us for control. For professionalism, for leadership." He glances at me and says, "They completely followed our vibe back in middle school, man. We called all the shots, and that hasn't changed for me in high school. We've got big shoes to fill, and Dad's pretty clear on the fact that a future that doesn't include the firm isn't fit for us. I want...I want to make him proud." He blinks at that statement and then whirls to face me, sputtering, "B-But that doesn't mean I'm not glad he brought you to live with us! I know you're probably set to inherit the company and everything. I just don't want him to just think I'm some pansy who can't get things done, you know?" Archer sighs. "But around Grace? I have never in my life wanted to hand over that control so badly. I look at her and I can't even speak properly. She makes me feel all...feely. Like, I just want to do stuff for her, man. Make her happy, you know?
"I don't know," Archer continues, his voice softer this time. "In short, she could run me over with a truck, and I'd be totally cool with it. Can you imagine the look on dad's face if he knew that?" His nose wrinkles. "Does that make me insane? I...I sound insane, don't I?"
"A little." I sit down on the edge of the bed, and he wiggles over to make room for me. After a second of hesitation, I lie back on the bed so that we're side by side now.
I think I get what Archer's saying. He wants to be a leader, someone people look up to. I want to tell him that he already is, but the words get stuck in my throat. In that sense, he reminds me of Kori. Kori likes to be in charge. She likes to lead and always be the one who gives, the one who nurtures. The one who makes you feel happy and loved and safe and special. Being the support for others makes her feel good.
But I've also learned, especially in these past few weeks, that she likes to give up that control. That in a place of true trust, she's okay with being powerless.
"What are you thinking about?" Archer asks, kicking my leg lightly.
I kick him back. "I'm thinking about you breakdancing in front of half the school last night."
Archer flushes bright red. "God, maybe I just won't go to school on Monday," he moans, covering his face with his hands again.
I sit up and pat his leg. "Chin up, soldier. The girls fucking loved it. If college doesn't work out, you can always just go be a male stripper. I'm sure Grace will vouch for you, what with those moves you had last night."
"Fuck, man!" Archer shouts. He swings a pillow at me, smacking me square in the face, and a giddy laugh bursts from my lips. He rears back to smack me with another, a wide grin spreading on his face, but I leap off the bed and backpedal quickly. He hurls the pillow at me anyways, smacking me in the stomach. "Get out!" he yells, but he's laughing so hard the anger is lost on the words. "Get the hell out of here, man!"
I throw the pillow back at him and then dart out of his room, a stupid grin pulling at my lips. My heart's racing as I slow to a walk in the hallway, a breath of air rushing out of me. I turn a corner and lean against the wall to catch my breath, and then a pillow hits me in the shoulder.
I whip around to see Archer standing right outside his bedroom, his arms raised above his head in a triumphant fist bump. "I bet you wish you'd agreed to play baseball in middle school, huh?" he teases, smirking. "My aim is insane, and you know it!"
I chuck the pillow back at him, but he's already back in his room, the door slamming behind him as his laugh echoes out into the hallway. Shaking my head, I keep walking down the hall until I get to my room, pushing the door open slowly to poke my head inside.
Kori's still facing the door, the blankets tugged all the way up to her nose now. She's practically buried in them. If not for her hair decorating the pillows in brown and blue waves, I wouldn't have known she was still there.
It's kind of hard not to just watch her. I've done it before. Excessively. (Child Ryland was definitely not slick about it either, but Kori can be a bit of a moron. So, there's that.)
Kori rolls over to face my window, burying herself into the blankets even more. "You're not allowed to watch me sleep," comes her muffled voice, heavy with drowsiness, "just because you kissed me."
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TO BE CONTINUED...
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Hello hello hello again lovelies!! It's good to be back :)
I hope everyone had a great break! I caught up on SO much sleep. I feel like I could run a marathon. (That'll probably change in a week, though. School is horrendous. 0/10 would not recommend.)
-Zuffy <3
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