Ch. 15
POV: KORI
The second the school bell rings Friday afternoon, I shoot out of my seat. Tugging my backpack onto my shoulder, I make my way towards the classroom door. Grace, Nevaeh, and Zack are a few steps behind me in the crowd, but I keep my pace as I turn a corner.
I know he's behind them, too. I always know when he's nearby. Ryland's presence has been impossible to ignore for years, but over the past few weeks, I've felt myself gravitating towards him like a moth to a flame. And it terrifies me.
The sun's high in the sky as I step outside into the parking lot. I move to the side, letting the stream of people pass as I let out a breath. I turn around and catch Nevaeh’s eye, and she raises her eyebrows. I'm about to wave when my eyes lift to the person a few steps behind her. His glittering gray eyes are locked on me.
Instantly, I spin around, prepared to sprint through the parking lot. I'll just text Nevaeh and say I had to go-
"You know," his voice says from behind me, "this is getting tedious, Kiwi."
In the two seconds it took for me to collect my thoughts, Ryland closed the distance between us. I start walking anyways. If I stop for a moment, if I turn and look at him, I'll completely break down.
If we were friends, I would turn around and wrap my arms around him tight. I'd never let anyone hurt him again. I never wanted to see him cry again. I never wanted to see that devastated look on his face again. I’d always hated that stupid, cocky grin of his, but the sight of him so upset like that was worse.
This thing consuming me is so dizzying, it hurts. When had I started seeing him like this? When had the churning hatred and infuriating annoyingness turned into...what is this, exactly?
Not mutual. That's what it is. No matter what confusing thoughts I'm having, Ryland still dislikes me. Hates me, even, maybe more than I hated him. And that hurts a lot more than it should.
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POV: RYLAND
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Being in a friend group with the person you want the most in the entire universe is like being stuck in a room with fireworks constantly going off. You can't ignore them because they never shut the hell up.
It's almost ironic that we ended up hanging around the same fucking people our whole lives. As kids, I don't have an excuse. You hang out with everyone as a kid. But now I can officially blame Zack and his inability to keep his dick in his pants. His relationship with Nevaeh helps keep the group from separating and, well...here we are, I guess.
My strides are long, so I catch up with Kori in no time. It had never occurred to me until today to actually go after her. I'd come to terms with the fact that everything I felt was completely one-sided. We were on opposite ends of the spectrum, feelings-wise, and I wasn't an idiot. I was content with staying exactly where we were: her hating me and me going along with it.
Because I thought that was the best I would ever get.
Because if her eyes weren’t on me, I was going insane, and her feeling something for me was better than nothing at all. As a kid, those moments in school between us were what made me feel the most like myself. School was the only time I was just another kid. Education was everything to my dad, so he never got in the way of it. I was able to embrace everything school had to offer to the fullest, including the other kids.
The first day I saw her, she ignited something in me. I didn’t understand it immediately, but it didn’t take long to realize.
She cares so much. I think that's what initially drew me to her. Some might call her a kiss ass or a suck up. But in reality, she just likes making people happy. Simple as that.
And as a kid, where everything good in my life had been taken away, she was the center of my universe for a million different reasons. I wanted to be the one she smiled at. I wanted to be comforted and appreciated by her. But more than that, I wanted to be the one she confided in. Who was making sure Kori Merrick was happy? As her family fell apart through the years, she kept that stupid, happy-go-lucky, upright aura about her, never letting things slip. I wanted to know what was going on inside her head, underneath that mask.
But I never did. In fact, I did the complete opposite and poked at her until she finally exploded. It was always fascinating to see everything come rushing out of her. Knowing that I affected her. Then, I'd explode right back, and some days it would escalate so much that she would actually put her hands on me, and then someone would have to come between us. Usually, Grace or Archer.
But now...
I feel like I've been seeing in black and white all my life, and now everything's a kaleidoscope. I thought that with everything that had happened, she'd be disgusted to see my face again. But this...this isn't something I'll let go of. And if that kiss was a mistake, I'm going to make her say it out loud to my face.
“What am I, a basket case to you?" I ask, knowing the words will hit their mark. I always hit the mark with her. "Is that what all of this is between us right now? I know you get off on pleasing people, but stop being a robot and give it a fucking break for two seconds.”
Kori comes to a stop so quick, I almost bodycheck her. Instinctively, I grab her waist to steady her as I side-step around her. My shoulder hits hers, our face inches away as I move past, and the intoxicating scent of apples overwhelms me again.
I snatch my hands away instantly.
We're facing each other now, and Kori's got her head bent down as she stares at the asphalt. When she speaks, her voice is low. "No. Never."
I'm completely stunned, like I've been hit from the back by a semi. The feel of her, lean and soft beneath her clothes, has completely derailed my argument. My heart's going a mile a minute, and somewhere, deep in the logical part of my brain, a tiny voice goes What the fuck are you doing, dude?
The problem with starting this argument with Kori is that I have absolutely no idea how to end it. There are ways out of it, of course, but that would mean...confronting something or admitting something that I don't feel like confronting or admitting at this particular moment.
I know there’s more to it than her just being obsessed with pleasing every fucking person in the place. It goes deeper than that, I know it does. I’ve got suspicions, but I don't 100% know why.
But I'm also terrified that I'm 100% wrong.
POV: KORI
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It's impossible to put into words. To explain how safe it feels to be what people need. To just keep things positive instead of letting the messy show. People like you and keep you around if you can give them what they want.
It stung more than I'd like to admit when Ryland and I first met. My dad had told me and Kansas all about Ryland and Archer and their dad, the only other business owner that could really rival my dad's business. Both of them came from Wavemeet and started their own businesses from scratch, so it was only a matter of time before people started pitting them against each other.
I was determined to stop that. I wanted nothing more than to be friends with the twins when they came to school. To show that just because our parents hated each other didn’t mean we had to. But Ryland made it pretty clear from day one that he couldn't stand me. And he went out of his way to make sure everyone knew it.
That exposure, that vulnerability he was able to constantly draw out of me, that fear, that rage...it freaked me out as a kid. That's not who I was, who I wanted to be. I needed to be calm, solid, reliable, unstoppable. Something my dad could be proud of. If I could be good enough, strong enough, maybe he'd...I don't know. Stick around for longer? Say he's proud of me?
It wasn't enough to keep mom around, but that's because I hadn't tried hard enough. I needed to do better. It makes me feel good when I can give the people in my life what they need, and just put a smile on their face. To know that they feel proud to know me.
I desperately wanted Ryland to like me as a kid. I wanted to be his friend, and it destroyed me that he didn't feel the same. That there was something about me he found lacking.
Honestly, it makes me want to scream. I just want to grab his shirt and shake him until I have a hold on him the way he does on me. The need to earn his approval, his respect, just the common decency of him saying my first name.
Why won't he give that to me? Why has he never given it to me?
Why am I not enough? the voice in my head asks for the millionth time.
"I can't do this right now." God, I sound terrified. I clear my throat, square my shoulders. "I have to go."
"We're not done talking," he snaps, and he reaches out for my wrist as he speaks. Then, just as fast, he freezes midair. I watch as he drops his hand back to his side, clenching and unclenching his fingers.
I stare in silence at his hand.
"Kiwi." Ryland's voice is rough and low, making goosebumps bloom across my skin. He doesn't speak again. Just that one word.
It’s enough to set my senses blaring, my head dizzy. "Drop it, Ryland. It didn't mean anything."
"You think I don't know what's going on here?" he demands. "You think I don't always know what's going on with you?"
Anger courses through me, and I snap my head up to lock eyes with him. "Who the hell do you think you are?" I say sharply. "You don't know me, Ryland. You've never bothered to get to know me. You can't tease me and hate me for years, and then try to speak on my life-"
Ryland steps closer, leaning down until our noses nearly touch. I'm keenly aware of the brush of his body, just barely touching mine. Our chests. Our hips. Our thighs.
"I know you," he says again. "I know you better than you think. And I see straight through this sunshiny bullshit illusion you've created for yourself, including the part where you act like last Friday didn't happen. You want something, Merrick." And then he's even closer, his voice dropping lower, dragging invisible claws down my spine as he speaks. "You're just too afraid to take it, and you're running away. And let me tell you something, cowardice is never an attribute I would've associated with you. You're loud and you're a smartass and you're impossibly nosy and you're a righteous pain in my ass, but I've never once thought of you as a coward."
We stand in silence for about five seconds before I realize my mouth is hanging open.
My entire body flushes as his statement sinks in, and I suddenly feel entirely too looked at. As in, Ryland is truly seeing me right now, seeing past everything I’ve so carefully constructed around myself as the years had passed.
I snap my mouth shut, swallowing, and Ryland's eyes dip to my throat. His breathing hitches slightly as he stares down at me. I feel myself lean in, the faintest sway of my traitorous body toward his. We're breathing each other's air, and I feel weak in the knees at the memory of our kiss. My hands in his hair as his mouth fell open for mine. The memory of his hands as they slipped around my waist, his tongue chasing mine.
In that moment, he had just looked so sad, and it had made this terrible ache grow in my chest to see him like that. I just wanted him to stop talking about himself like that. I wanted him to stand up and come back with me, so I would know that he was there, and that he was safe, and that no one was hurting him.
I hadn't imagined his reaction, had I? Ryland was never one to fake feelings growing up. He made sure people knew exactly when he hated something, or in my case, someone.
But...if he was just faking it, just playing into the kiss, then he's about to pull the rug out from underneath me. Laugh at me. Pathetic Kori Merrick falling for Ryland Park, just the icing on the damn cake.
Instantly, I leap backwards like I've just touched a hot pan, the warmth of his closeness evaporating and leaving me weak. And then before he can speak, I spin on my heel and take off towards my car.
This time, he doesn't follow me.
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I'm sitting at the kitchen counter rereading one of my favorite romance novels when my dad comes home. Kansas has been moving through the kitchen like a tornado for the past hour and a half, and it smells like heaven.
My dad steps into the kitchen and moves towards me, planting a kiss on the top of my head. "Evening, beautiful," he murmurs. “Good day today, right?”
I start to lean back into his warmth, opening my mouth to answer the question, but he's already moving away. Kansas pauses, wiping his hands on his pants. "Hey, dad, welcome home. I made-"
"Pork chops." A small grin spreads on my dad's face, and he nods once. "My favorite. I'm going to take some things to my office, but I'll be right back."
"Sure, dad."
I watch him go, and once he's up the stairs I flick my eyes over to Kansas. He lets out a breath and turns back to the stove, but he doesn't continue cooking. Instead, he stands in place, like he's lost in thought. After a moment, his hands start moving again.
I keep watching him, and I'm about to open my mouth when my phone rings. When I pull it out to check the caller ID, I can't help my grin. "Hey, Milo," I say. "What's up?"
In the week since I've seen him, Milo's hair has gone from a brilliant hot pink to a soft auburn. It's loose now, reaching almost to his shoulders. "Kori! Is Kansas around?"
I tilt the screen so he can see Kansas's back. "Yeah, he's right-"
"Sweetheart!" Milo exclaims, cutting off my sentence. "I've been trying to call you, but it keeps going to voicemail!”
Kansas turns his head to the camera, a grin and a blush spreading across his face. "Sorry about that," he says, waving at Milo. "I've been kind of in the zone for a while trying to make everything perfect."
Milo pouts. "I wish you wouldn't do that to yourself."
Kansas shrugs, reaching for a plate out of one of the cabinets. He starts placing the pork chops onto it as he speaks. "It's no big deal, honestly."
I watch Kansas carefully. His shoulders have visibly relaxed now that Milo's on the phone, but his voice still sounds strained. "How are you, Kansas?" I ask.
"Just a little worn out, I guess." He takes the plate of pork chops to the kitchen table and sets them down. "Tomorrow's the big day."
Don't I know it. Tomorrow, Kansas will get in the car with my dad, and I'll stay here. After a small discussion, my dad agreed to let Kansas drive me to the Halloween bonfire tomorrow before they leave, instead of leaving tonight like he'd originally planned. But even with the extra day, I've still been soaking in every minute of them being here that I can get.
"And how are you, seriously?" Milo presses on. "I know we've been skirting around the subject, but honestly, sweetheart, this is a big deal."
Ever since he was young, Kansas has had this professional demeanor about him. Always "yes, ma'am" and "thank you, sir". If he's angry, it's always that stern, calm type of anger, more disappointed than mad. When he's happy, it's a small smile, like he's trying to hide it from the world. He's not emotionless, not at all. He just usually has his feelings on a leash. I can count on one hand the things that can actually break that shell Kansas put over himself and bring the emotions bubbling up.
Being called "sweetheart" by the love of his life is at the absolute top of the list.
I watch as Kansas positively melts, coming to a complete stop next to me and plucking my phone out of my hand. In a rushed breath he says, "Well, my dad's not the...easiest person to be around. But I'll figure out how to handle it. This is good for us, Milo." Kansas looks over at me. "I think it'll be good for all three of us. But I'm more worried about you, Kor. You sure you'll be alright here?"
I nod, maybe a bit too quickly. "Don't worry about me. I won't burn the house down or anything."
Kansas grins. "That's my independent sister. I'll still call every day though."
"You better."
Kansas takes my phone with him to the fridge, and I relax back into my chair, the sounds of Milo and Kansas's conversation drifting into a soft, comfortable background noise. I pick my book back up and continue reading.
I haven't read anything in a while, especially anything romance-related. The thing with romance novels is that they're almost too painful. They hit a bit too close for home, too close to what I've always wanted. They make me hope for things that are too risky, too scary, too easy to be ripped away or used against me. It almost hurts to read about people loving each other so intensely, with everything they are. Romance books just feel so much more real than romance movies do, and I don't know if it's because I can picture the characters and hear their voices in my head and read and feel exactly how they feel about each other, but it's all so...intoxicating. I think being loved so wildly would be the death of me, and to love someone so wildly and so truly would be the scariest thing I've ever done.
It’s terrifying, to want something so desperately and not know for sure if it’s within reach. But it doesn’t make you want it any less.
As my dad comes down the stairs, I press a hand to my chest and hold it there. Feel the heart beating there, stuttering with each half step as my thoughts cloud my brain. Thinking about love makes me feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, unsure if the person will be there to catch me.
I still don't know if he'll be there.
But I know that if the roles were reversed, I would be there for him. As stupid as that makes me, I would be there if he let me be. And that single thought makes my heart race even more.
I don't know what happened between Ryland, Hannah, and Austin that summer, but I'm starting to realize that I don't care as much as I should. When that loss for Austin had shifted to an aching grief for Ryland, I'm not too sure. But it's there. Ryland had been ready to admit something about it before, but I’d stopped him. When he’s ready to tell me again, I’ll listen.
I'm getting the fleeting suspicion that I've always had these feelings, but I just didn't understand them. But when I kissed him, and he kissed me back, it had finally felt like we had each other right where we'd both always wanted.
I want to meet his mother again. I want to ride his skateboard again. I want to truly know what's hurting him. I want to know what makes him tick, what makes him happy, what makes him sad, what makes him him.
I want to kiss him again.
I want to kiss Ryland Park again.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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A thing I've been working on as a writer is fleshing my characters out. Like, actually giving them personality and not just, you know, speaking lines. That's something I feel like I've been lacking on with Kori. I feel like I've focused so much on Ryland (since there's still so much to reveal about him) that Kori's been kinda pushed to the side. And I don't want that. This was always the road I'd planned on going down with her, but I tried hard to make it a little bit more obvious of why she does what she does and says what she says. I know it's better to "show not tell" though, so I'm definitely open to any thoughts or comments you guys have.
Anyways, next chapter's the Halloween bonfire, so that'll be fun.
-Zuffy <3
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