Dear Blake,
I know you truly love me. Of course, you do. Why wouldn't you? You're my boyfriend. I shouldn't keep thinking about what you said the other day, but it has been on my mind for a while now.
I mean, you wouldn't truly mean that, would you? We were just discussing our types. And I know that you wouldn't really have feelings for another girl, because I'm your girlfriend.
But...when I met you you had a crush on that girl, Avary. You were so crazy about her, and even though I felt a little hurt that you liked her while I liked you, I knew that it was wrong to be jealous.
So...I helped you. I gave you the courage to tell Avary that you liked her. But she didn't like you back. So you came across the gym back to me and told me. I said I was sorry, but you said you were fine.
We grew closer. We were good friends. You would make me laugh and tell me about all the big dreams you had after 8th grade and then high school. We both wanted to be writers, but you specialized in horror and me in fantasy. But we'd read each other's books and tell each other what we'd think. We were our own critics. You'd offer suggestions for my book, and I'd offer some for yours.
At recess, we'd walk around and just talk. It was nice that way. Who needed to be caught up in the kickball games or mindlessly swinging on the swings when we could just be together and talk for 45 minutes?
We did everything together. We had the same classes, and in Biology we sat right next to each other. We talked a lot during that class. But we didn't pay attention. So 2nd semester we had to go back down to the regular Science class. But we were together.
I introduced you to my friends because you didn't have any. We would run around and scream as we laughed and joked around. I liked having more than one friend all the time.
But then you didn't like them. I don't know why, but you didn't. You said that they weren't nice to you, so we stopped hanging out with them.
I asked Elena if her and the others were being nice to you, and she said yes. There was nothing wrong with them. But you still didn't like them. So we stopped hanging out with them.
Then, in study hall today we were discussing our type. And you said, "Oh, if I weren't dating you, I'd date Addy." I admit, I brushed it off as nothing at first, and thought that you just liked the nice quiet girls. Like me. That's your type. Then I thought...
Avary was a nice quiet girl, and when you couldn't have her, you turned to me. I'm a quiet nice girl. And...you said if you weren't dating me, you'd date Addy. She's nice and quiet.
That's your type.
You had told me the bad story that happened to you when you were really small. You told me how bad your parents were to you, so that's why you live with your grandparents. You told me about your half-brother which you haven't seen in years. You told me everything.
So I told you everything as well.
You told me how you wanted us to get married after high school, and we'd go to a writing college and share our works as a married writing couple.
But...I didn't see us doing much after high school. I didn't want to plan everything with you. I wanted to get into cosmetology, to become a hairstylist. I didn't want to spend every single second with you.
I didn't want to be with you forever. Not yet.
Then you made me a ring. It was a crudely shaped one made out of those copper pins in the shape of a ring. It was too small for my ring finger, which you wanted me to wear it, so I put it on my pinky instead.
But even then, it rubbed against my finger and cut at it, and it was so uncomfortable I just took it off and shoved it into my coat pocket.
When you asked why I took it off, I told you it was too small. So when you came back the next day, you made two more out of pipe cleaners. These ones at least you could adjust and weren't sharp, but they were itchy. Then you said you wanted us to have a wedding at recess.
Elena acted as the priest, and kept laughing because she thought it was a joke. She thought we were being funny. But you were serious. You wanted us to take our vows before it was legal to do it once we were adults. You wanted us to promise not to leave each other.
You offered me a smile as you put my ring on my finger, but I felt...weird. I don't know, but it didn't seem right. I didn't want to make this so permanent yet. We've only been dating for 4 months, so I don't think we're ready to make this a permanent thing.
And then you said, "I do," and I felt backed into a corner. You looked so happy and I didn't want you to be sad if I said no, so...
I said, "I do."
You were so happy, and pulled me into a hug because we weren't ready for a kiss yet. I know I should be happy. You're my boyfriend, afterall.
But...I was stiff as you wrapped your arms around me, your lips close to my neck. Why did I feel so uncomfortable? You're my boyfriend. I should feel safe in your arms. I should want this.
But...I don't.
So I told you in Biology that I didn't think I was ready for this. But you said, "What do you mean? Of course you're ready for this. It may not be permanent yet, but we're married now. We're a couple."
"Yeah...I guess you're right."
Why? Why did you want us to be married so soon? Why couldn't we just stay boyfriend and girlfriend instead of husband and wife?
I told Elena later that day about my concerns.
"Hey," she said, "If you're not ready for this, you're not ready. You still have your whole life ahead of you. If you don't want to be married yet, you don't have to. Besides, I'm not a priest, so you're technically not married."
I felt better about what Elena said. I wasn't technically married to you. I wasn't bound to you. But you wanted me to be.
"Come on, Amelia, we're married now," you complained to me at recess the next day, "You don't have to feel so weird around me."
"I don't think I'm ready for this," I told you again. "I don't think I'm ready for marriage. Shouldn't we wait until later?"
"Don't worry, we're not actually married. We'll get married right after high school. Then we can be together forever. But right now, we should practice being a married couple. You don't want to be bad at it, do you?"
"Uh...okay."
But then there's what you said today. You said if you weren't dating me, you'd date Addy. That's fine, right? You're just saying who your type is. So we can know each other better.
So...why do I feel so weird? I feel...sad. And mad. A little mad. But I shouldn't be mad at you, I should never be mad at you. You're my boyfriend and we've never had a fight.
But then there's what Elena told me.
"I saw Blake staring at Tatum's ass today."
"What?"
"Yeah, he was staring right at it, and then he bit his lip."
"Blake..." I started, "Blake would never do that." I felt weird. I felt light-headed and woozy, like I was about to faint. Elena's words were suddenly muted and I couldn't hear anything. I felt nothing but numb.
You wouldn't do that...right?
You told me that Elena couldn't be trusted. That she made that up. That she made it up to split us apart. You told me Elena wanted to keep me to herself, because she was gay and a sinner. You said that Elena wasn't truly a Catholic if she liked girls. You said that she didn't like you.
You said it wasn't true.
But then I remembered what you told me.
That if you weren't dating me you'd date Addy. That right before we dated you liked Avary.
And now you stared at Tatum's ass.
It feels like it's too much. But you said it's okay, and that you'd never do this. So I believed you.
You love me, and that's enough.
And we'll get married after high school.
We'll be together forever, even if it's not exactly what I want.
But you're the man, so you're right.
You love me, right?
ns 15.158.61.12da2
