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I finished the book that was written about me. My first reaction was to throw it across the attic and curse a few hundred times. The book revealed everything that I did not want the country and the world to know. They already would have seen that I now wore dresses and was treated like a girl. Now they knew that I was also treated like a toddler. The book even wrote that I wore a diaper. Not only this worried me, but the book was very negative. It said that petticoat treatment was dangerous and could be harmful. Did this mean that I would end up in some mental institution? I felt like this author was just trying to make money off of me. He wrote that this school wanted to humiliate me. His book is the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me! Why can't people just accept that I am happy here and that I honestly do not mind being a sissy? Why can people like this author not leave me alone?
The public's reaction to the book was one of shock. They seemed to believe everything that the book said. The public debated if I was forced to be feminine or if this was always a side of me. They debated why I wore diapers. Why treat a 10-year-old like a baby? Is this abuse? There was a lot of debate as to whether this would be bad for the monarchy. Would this petticoat treatment make me a bad king? Some people argued that, like many other boys, I most likely felt more like a girl than a boy. This should be respected. This place could not harm me if I already had the feelings. It seemed as if the country was split over whether petticoat treatment was abuse or not. People were also confused by all the commotion, as they thought I was already a better person and happier. This was all so hard for me. The whole country was talking about me, and they never met me.
I think one of the things that worried me most about the book was what was said about my mom. The book claims that my mother visited the institute before, so she knew it well. She also persuaded Blake's parents to send him here. It was my mother who wanted to send me here. So the question is, how much did she know about this place and want me to be a sissy? Does my mother want me to be her daughter? Did she not like me as her son?
Despite the book being the talk on everyone's lips, life went on at the institute. Madam Criben told us that we would soon be doing a fashion show. This was where we would decide what outfit we wanted to wear. The show would be done live on the internet, where viewers would vote on who they thought did the best job picking an outfit. Madam Criben advised us to remember colour coordination, how the clothes fit, and how they looked on us. The others were not so enthusiastic about doing a fashion show where the whole country would see us. Some boys complained about how embarrassing it would be, while others were jealous because they expected me to win. After all, I was a prince.
Niki was excited about the fashion show. He talked about how proud his grandmother would be. I noticed that Niki did not say a word about his parents. When I talked to Niki about the show, he was so positive. For him, it was not about who won but more about us having fun. This was a chance where we could find our own style and be the sissy that we wanted to be. It would also show the world that the institute was fun. We were not being mistreated. The show would show the world this.
Blake has another opinion. He said it was OK for Niki, as he is a born sissy. It should not be a problem for me, as the whole world has seen me in a dress. It was a problem for him, as he did not want to exhibit himself to the world. Blake was thinking about his old friends and family. They would think that he liked his new life as a sissy. They would think that he was happy to be here at the institute. Then Blake looked at me and said that it was my family's fault. It was my mother who convinced his parents to send me here. I could see that this was not the right time to speak with him.
Blake should not have been here. That was obvious. He was not a bad boy and did not have an ounce of femininity in his body. This was something that was forced on him and seemed to be punishment and humiliation. I did not know what to say or how to help him. Niki tried to cheer me up. He suggested that we dance. So we spent all our free time dancing to some music that we had on. We most likely looked like two crazy idiots. However, it was fun, and it took my mind off of things. It was as if I were flying on a cloud and feeling so free. I was like a bird in the sky. No one could hurt me or scare me.
It was time for my reaffirmation therapy with Miss Eva. I told her that since the book had been released, everything seemed so cloudy and confusing. The book implied that everything that was done here was abuse. It also implied that I could have mental problems. Miss Eva sighed and said that the book had caused a lot of unwanted attention towards the institute. Even the staff here found the negative attention and allegations hard to deal with. Then she reminded me of how I felt before I read the book. I liked how I changed. I embraced my new identity as a sissy. I had friends, and I was happy. She smiled at me and reminded me that whatever clothes I wore, however I acted and what others thought, did not matter once that I did not hurt others and I was happy.
When I came back to the nursery room, Niki was crying. I tried to ask him what the problem was. Niki would not talk about it. It was so sad to see Nikki this way. He was always so cheerful and optimistic when he was with others. I noticed when he was alone that he would be quiet and, at times, cry. I always tried speaking with him, but he would just tell me that he did not want to talk about it. This made me worry about him. Was the smile he always had when he was with others just an act? Was Niki, deep down, a sad boy?
Niki did manage to tell me that he got a letter from my sister. I read it:
Dear Taylor,
I was not allowed to read that book about you, but I did. Please don’t tell Mom, or she will send me to a place that treats me like a boy. Is there such a place? The book scared me. It made me think that the institution was going to harm you, so you would be an unhappy person. I do not care if you are a brat or an angel; I just want you to be happy. Are you happy? Do you like what that place is doing to you? The way I see it is that you are a boy, and I do not understand why a boy would want to be a girl. Maybe the whispering I heard when I visited you was from sad ghosts who did not want to wear a dress. Please tell me you are happy and you like it there.
Your sister
Julia
A few days later, I was told that I would be speaking with a shrink. This was because of all the media attention given to the institution. The government wanted to make sure that no abuse was happening, so we had to speak with a psychiatrist. He was a nice young man who did not say much but listened. I told him how I hated the idea of coming to the institute and that, at first, I did not want to be a sissy. After a while, I stopped fighting it and just accepted what happened to me. At first, it was humiliating and embarrassing, and at times it still is, but at the same time, it gave me new experiences. I think the worst thing that happened since I came here was the book. Why could people not let me alone and debate everything that I did? Why could people not just let me decide if I was a sissy or not? I did not know if I was a sissy myself. I love the clothes and looking pretty. I like the girl's activities. I just did not like that people thought I was weird or something bad. In the end, the shrink suggested that I was struggling more with being a prince than with my gender identity. He said it must be hard for any royal member to be under so much scrutiny.
When I went back to the nursery, Niki was once again in a good mood. He thought that the psychiatrist was very nice. It was nice seeing Niki smile once again. He told me that he had finished reading the book about me. The way Niki saw things was that you can never believe everything that is in a book. Who cares if I was a prince or princess? Once I united the country and did good things, he did not believe that we would end up in a mental institution. Niki was never as happy as he is now. He could also see that I was happy. I just did not know how happy I was yet. Besides all this, Niki laughed and said that he was now famous. He was now in a book. This made me laugh as well. Niki sure could look at the bright side of things.
Blake, on the other hand, did not want to talk about the psychiatrist. He asked Niki and me if we would do him a favour. He wanted to play a game of football. So we found a corner of the school where no one would see us and made our own football. I suppose you Americans call it soccer. It was so strange doing something boyish. It was as if I had forgotten how to kick a ball. I was so afraid that we would have been caught. A part of me was afraid that I would like it. This did not happen. I did not enjoy it one bit. At least Blake had fun. It was also a blessing that we did not get caught.
I was back at the nursery with Niki. He was busy thinking about what outfit he would wear to the fashion show. He must have every stitch of clothing out. In the end, he decided that he would dress as Alice in Wonderland. I did not have a clue what I would wear. I knew that the whole country would be seeing me once again in a dress, and I did not know if I liked this or not. I suppose that I had no choice, so I just had to get on with it. I decided that the institute would not use this fashion show to humiliate me. I would be brave and do my best. I would show them that I could do anything that was presented to me and smile, even if this meant that some would degrade me or humiliate me.
Niki was right; maybe I was happier than I thought I was. I was becoming more and more of a sissy every day. I was sure that I was finding my identity. The only thing that I did not like was that I was treated like a toddler, with diapers and a crib and all that. They say it was to be reborn as a sissy and to start over. This seemed like a rubbish excuse. Two things worried me about this baby treatment: The first was that I was becoming more and more incontinent. I could not feel when I had to pee anymore. I just felt myself getting wet. The second thing was that I was getting used to the diapers and baby things. I was beginning to feel more and more like a baby every day.
Miss Eva wanted to speak with me one day. I was afraid that she knew we played football. It was not this; she said that she noticed that I liked art. I nodded and said that I loved painting, especially with watercolours. Miss Eve suggested that I get a tutor who helps me with art. She knew a former student who could help. I must have had the largest smile on my face, as I thought this was a great idea. Miss Eva told me it would also make me a good royal, as royals are usually interested in culture and art. I did not care about that. I just thought that art was fun. It was a good escape. I could be myself and not do what people told me to, as well as not have people talking about me.
Mom was in the news once again. She held a press conference, stating that the book about me was not factual. The institute has a good reputation and a good success rate. It has helped many boys who were on the wrong path. My mother told the press that she did not know if I was transgender or not. She told me it would be me who discovered my identity, not my parents or the press. She reminded the press that it was me who wanted to return to the school. The monarchy always tried to modernise, and if I were a transgender prince, then this also reflected society. The monarch would survive. I imagine grandmother raging mad, thinking that mom was breaking the golden rule of the royals. Never complain, never explain.
Blake came with a big announcement. The psychiatrist who spoke with Blake concluded that he was not happy. Blake shows no signs of wanting to be more feminine. Blake was not happy here. So Blake smiled and said that he would be going home. I smiled and was happy that Blake would not be tortured here anymore. At the same time, it saddened me. Blake could be negative and annoying, but he was a friend. It also showed me that the system worked. I do not know if that book was right—that my mother told Blake's parents about this place. This made me feel guilty. Still, Blake was soon going home, and he would find happiness.
Later on that day, Niki said he wanted to speak with me....
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