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When I sat down to speak with Niki, he suddenly changed his mind. He explained that he is not used to opening up. I told Niki that there was no rush; he could tell me when he was comfortable. Niki was a person that everyone thought was easy to understand. He was always smiling and full of energy. He did not ever say anything bad about anyone or anything. Niki was a positive person who was hard not to like. However, Niki is human, and it seems as if he is more fragile and hurt than he wants people to know.
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I got a letter from the children's hospital that I visited once. The children there were so happy that a royal member came to visit them. They invited me back to visit them again. The letter made me smile and was one of the best things that happened in my life. These children were very sick, and some of them could be dying. They did not care if I was a sissy. They did not care that I was a boy who wore girly clothes. They just liked that I visited them. Maybe this was a sign that I could use my status as a prince for something good. I could help people who were worse off than me by showing them compassion and bringing light into their lives. I wrote a letter back thanking them for the opportunity.
Blake was packed and ready to leave the institute. They finally realized that he was not happy here and should not be here. This gave me some hope. Despite I hated the idea of petticoat treatment at the start, I now accepted it. It was part of me now. I admitted to myself long ago that I was a sissy. I liked feminine things and being feminine. The idea that Blake was allowed to leave the institute gave me some hope. If I decided in the future that I was not a sissy, I would be allowed to leave. Still, I was in tears when Blake walked out of the school in boy clothes. It was like there was an empty hole in my heart. I felt as if a good friend was leaving.
Madam Criben called us to an assembly shortly after Blake left the school. “I know that the media and many people in the country think that this institution is harming you,” she said, “but you know that this is not true. It is true that once you came here, you were forced to wear girly clothes. This was needed, as you all had barriers and could not see the benefits. Look, you know, you have all embraced your new roles as sissies. You have all accepted this identity. This was confirmed when the psychiatrist you all spoke to concluded you were all happy. Only Blake was unhappy, and this is why he is no longer here. You are not being punished at the institute. You are being helped.”
We had no time to think about what Madam Criben said. It was time to do the fashion show. The school gym was made into a small TV studio with a stage. There were cameras everywhere and lights. I could see that many boys were nervous. We would be streamed and on display for the world. Madam Criben told us to remember to smile. We were to show the world how happy we were. This was easier said than done. The bravery that I had disappeared. I would once again be showing the world what I have become: a sissy.
Niki was having great fun dressed as Alice in Wonderland. In a way, his smiles and cheerfulness were contagious. Some of the other boys eased up and started smiling and having fun. I tried not to think that millions of people would be looking at this. I did my best by pretending that I was just standing in front of a mirror. I was wearing a princess dress. I know this was not very original. A prince wearing a princess dress shows I did not use that much of my imagination. While Niki planned for the show and spent a lot of time on it, I was more occupied by what happened after the show. How would the public react? Would I be once again humbled?
Niki came in second place, and another boy came in first. I was glad that I did not win. I would have been told that it was just because I was a prince. Besides, I did not put a lot of thought into it. I could see some of the other boys spent a lot of time thinking about how they would look and what they should wear. The public reaction was mixed. Some thought that we were cute and happy, while others thought this was a way that the school wanted to humiliate boys. The institute may have done this show as a part of our petticoat programme or if it was a public relations stunt to try and tell the world that we were happy sissies. If it was the latter, it did not work. The show just rekindled public debate about whether petticoat treatment was abuse or not.
The night after the show, Niki was excited, thinking it was a great experience. Then, all of a sudden, he got serious and told me he wanted to tell me something and hoped I would not tell another living soul what he was about to say. “You know, sometimes I cry,” he said, "to let all the sadness out. My parents did not want me. They have always been interested in their work and social lives. A child would just get in the way. When my mother found out she was pregnant, she was excited and wanted a baby girl. She did not get that. I do not know why I am so girlish. Maybe I started as a way to please my mother, or maybe it is just the way I am. I admit I have always been a sissy. I am not transgender; I am proud to be a boy, but I do like girly clothes and things. My parents are ashamed of me, and that hurts. It is hard for me at times because I feel like I should never have been born and that I am not loved or wanted. Please do not tell anyone.”
I hugged Niki, as I did not know what to say. Under the happy boy, he wanted everyone to see, he was broken and felt alone.
Shortly after the fashion show, Madam Criben told us that we would be doing ballet classes. She explained that ballet is good for physical strength, coordination, flexibility, discipline, concentration, and confidence. So we started doing ballet, where we wore leotards, tights, and ballet slippers. Yes, we also wore tutus. To be honest, I like wearing tights. The feeling is great like they are helping me look pretty. They make me feel more alive. The ballet was not as bad as I thought it would be either. It was not easy, and I was also tired after class. I was not that good, either. Still, ballet was fun and challenging. It was also great being with the other boys. We laughed a lot when we stumbled and complimented each other when things went well.
My mother sent me a message saying that she had seen the fashion show and was proud of me. I felt a lot of confusion and anger build up in me. Of course, my mother was proud that she had seen me exhibit myself in a princess dress for the whole world to see. I was beginning to believe what that book said about my mother. It seems as though she was only proud of me when I was dressed as a girl. She never praised me before I came to this institute if I did well at a football game or some boyish activity. Maybe Niki and I have something in common: both our mothers did not want to have boys.
Niki thought this as well, as he noticed my reaction to the message I got from my mother. I tried to follow his example and smile. I said we are not our mothers. We have each other. I told Niki that he was like a brother to me. Niki nearly broke down in tears and asked me if I was just being nice or if I considered him a brother. I smiled and said that from this day on, we are brothers. Niki corrected me, and as he laughed, he said we are sisters. This made me happier, as I realised that Niki and I were now family.
The new tutor came to help me with art. His name was Julian, and he was a former student here. I expected him to come in a dress, but he looked like a normal male who went to a university. He was wearing jeans and a cardigan. At first, he was very shy and kept calling me “Your Royal Highness." Then I decided to be a brat and poked his nose with my painting brush. I laughed so much that he had a purple nose. After this, I told him not to consider me a prince but just a student. Julian then lightened up and started giving me help and hints on how to paint. I left the tutoring session with a blue spot on my nose. Julian got his revenge!
I was getting used to the media attention. I read about a politician who could not understand how petticoat treatment helped me become a better person. Would a timeout not be the same? I heard this before. However, this woman was more blunt when she discussed that, as a 10-year-old, I was treated like a toddler. She thought that forcing a boy who was looking forward to being a teenager to act and look like a toddler was abusive, unhealthy, and harmful. In a way, I agreed with this woman. I now needed diapers because wearing them for so long had made my bladder weak. I could not see how this made me a better person. I felt bad that I did not fight back and refused to wear them. Maybe it is because I was afraid of punishment, or maybe it is because the other boys here were treated the same.
I got a letter from my sister, “Dear Taylor, I have seen you on the fashion show. I think you were very brave. I loved your dress. Daddy has promised me that I will get a dress like it. Mommy has been showing your performance to everyone she knows. I think everyone has seen it. It has 1 billion views on YouTube. The only person who is worried is our grandmother. She thought that you were becoming more submissive, and she was afraid of what the institution would make you do next. I do not know what submissive means. I hope you are happy and having fun, and those strange whispers do not keep you awake. Julia"
It was time for therapy affirmation with Miss Eva. She thought that I was doing well. She did notice I did not put a lot of thought into the fashion show. I explained that it was because I was more worried about what the public reaction would be. Miss Eva replied by saying, “I think you should ask yourself why you were not sent home like Blake. You are happy here. While many think that being a sissy is degrading and humiliating, you do not think so. You have embraced your sissy self. You are a sissy in every possible positive way. You are a boy who likes to dress and act like a girl. You have discovered a part of yourself that you never knew you had. Its about time you live the life as a sissy and not worry what people think.”
After that, I met Niki on his way to the dance room. He asked me if we should practice ballet together. So we got dressed in our leotards and tights and started stretching and posing. I was a bit jealous of Niki, as he was much better than me. He looked so eloquent and stylish compared to me, who looked like a clumsy puppy. Even though I had done everything wrong, Niki was complimenting me and telling me how good I was. I did not know if he believed this or if it was just his way of encouraging me. I did know that I loved ballet. It was like we had the freedom to move like small angels in heaven. It made us smile, as we knew that we could only get better and better. Niki and I agreed that we would practice ballet together, and in that way, we could support each other. Besides that, it was fun being with Niki.
Madam Criben wanted to address us at the assembly. It was never good when she did this. “I want you all to listen carefully,” she demanded. “The school has been getting a lot of unwanted attention recently. Now we all know that the petticoat programme we do here is good for you, and you are all happy. The fashion show was meant to show that the institute is a good place to be. This is not the case. There has been more scrutiny, and people who do not know the institute or how happy you all are are. I want you all to do your part. You are not to talk about this institute with anyone. You are not to tell anyone what we do here or how you feel. The more we defend ourselves, the more scrutiny there will be. The best answer is to remain silent. So remember to keep your lips sealed.”
Shortly after this, I asked Miss Eva if I could visit the children's ward at the hospital. Miss Eva thought this was a great idea. I did not want any press or any commotion. So I went to the children's ward in secret. They were delighted to see me. I spent time by their beds listening to their stories and the battles they were fighting. They did not comment that I had a dress on or that my hair was getting longer. One girl did ask me what it was like to be a princess, and this made me laugh. I felt so relaxed at the hospital. The sick children's bravery and their ability to fight their sickness inspired me. The nurse told me that I also made a huge difference as I cheered them up and made them feel important that a royal member visited them. The nurse said that she liked that no press was there and that it was not a publicity stunt. The children felt like they were on display when it was a publicity stunt. I don’t know if my mother would agree with that.
In my free time, I practised ballet with Niki or did art. Julian continued to be my art tutor. He was a mystery to me. He was in his mid-twenties and told me that he was studying art history at the university. He was a tutor to earn money. I must admit that he was a good teacher. He taught me a lot. Still, there was like a wall around him. Julian seemed very serious. The only time I ever saw him smile was when he tried to paint my nose the first time we saw each other. Even when I asked him what it was like to be a student here and if he still felt like a sissy at times, Julian snapped at me and said he did not want to talk about it.
The debate over petticoat treatment had reached the national parliament. The opposition leader was a middle-aged woman. She held a press conference and announced that her party would work to make petticoat discipline and places like the Victorian Virtue Institute illegal. Should I have taken this seriously?
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