Dear Love,
What’s wrong with me? I am constantly beating myself up over things I can’t control all because I know that- somewhere in the world- some incel would judge me. I like to perceive myself from the view of a fat, senile, old asshole who has no life other than being like all those trolls on the internet. My anxiety is that fat asshole. My anxiety tells me that no one should be able to tolerate being around me simply because I’m polyamorous. Or at least that’s what it’s been telling me lately. I really wonder why. It’s most likely because when I see poly relationships online- they’re heavily slandered. The reasons range from being selfish, greedy, unfaithful, and manipulative to being taken advantage of.
I look at openly poly people and crave what they have. Being with another person and my boyfriend overwhelms me with euphoria, and I feel so guilty. I look at their relationships and am fascinated by the idea of being so in love with one another that- despite complications- they make it work. I look at their phenomenal communication skills and am amazed by their ability to openly talk about their jealousy of one another and work through it together. I love them because they show the dirty sides of relationships- and embrace them. Instead of being shunned for not being able to only look at one person- they talk through it and come to a decision together. Instead of cheating, they ask permission, and if they don’t come to a conclusion- they separate peacefully or learn more about each other and themselves.
I crawl into heaps of self-pity because I don’t have what they have or because I’m too afraid of myself and the world to try. I am terrified of what you would say if I told you I wanted a polyamorous relationship. I’m afraid you would think you're not enough and try more than you already have. I’m scared you might force yourself into that relationship to make me happy. I don’t want you to do that because I’ve had a past partner who has done that, and they hated me when we finally separated. I’m terrified because we might have to separate since my needs aren’t met.
If that were to ever happen, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. Even though I know it isn’t my fault, a relationship is supposed to make you feel fulfilled. I would probably hate myself for a while thinking, I’ll never find love and that if I hadn’t told him, I wouldn’t be so lonely. The funny part is I already hate myself. I hate myself for being able to be in monogamous relationships with some people but not others. I despise my entire being for being unable to love like a normal fucking person.
I love you so much though, and I hope we have a long and prosperous relationship. Please don't hate me.
Sincerely Fluffy
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