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/Cait; The Choices/
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A happy home with a perfect family that was my birth. And yet I was the anomaly to my family because I wasn't happy. I learned to smile for them because I wanted to feel like I fit in. But I always do the wrong things and never the right. What makes me defective compared to my sister or brother. Why do I feel so alone in a happy an perfect home. I believed I was one of the few who existed with such loneliness but my first day of high school opened my eye's.
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Astra Mercer a girl with clear eyes for everyone to see inside. Even though she smiles and appears happy shes really sad. Her friends are oblivious our teachers don't care and no matter where I look she's just alone. My mind wanted the answers an throughout the school day I thought hard. I was near the point of obsession so I followed her and made conversation happen. I don't know why I acted this way but I couldn't look away from her.
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I was looking for my next fix one day in the District. But I heard something that sounded like fighting I was scared but a pull was pushing me forward. That's when i saw Astra again but she wasn't hiding her pain instead she was embracing it. But whatever that pain was with her embracing it had hurt her more. So I took her home as we made idle chatter. My first steps inside her home sent my world crashing down.
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Coldness so thick you could see your breath in the air. A kitchen covered in dust with no dishes. The darkness would have swallowed me If she wasnt guiding me. My heart was tearing apart and my mind went racing with questions. Finding just a portion of this kind of loneliness was terrifying for me. I navigated by phone light to tend to her wounds and we cried together. We saw each other in that moment for who we really are. I left a light on when I left to go home but I didn't make it. I couldn't cope with what I seen so at my front yard I collapsed an cried softly. This hurts to see but I feel so powerless and my mind won't stop racing with questions.
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After that we spent time together at school an out of school. We grew closer and she developed a crush on me but I didn't know my own sexuality. I was sleeping around between boys an girls. I did feel attraction to her but I'm afraid of being swallowed by her loneliness so I never understood my feelings. Till she asked me one day after I had agreed to date Joy. And of course I told Ash but she wouldn't let me speak. I couldn't say yes or that I wanna try dating you. The thing that made me feel different from my family was loving someone and I had no one. That's what I felt was missing so I tried to find it before trying with you Ash. But I am the world's fuck up who couldn't just accept her perfect life.
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One night I caught Joy with a girl from the chess club. She told me I could come and go from her house but I didn't see it coming. Joy had a darker loneliness behind her eyes I thought she was like me. So I didn't listen to Ash warning me away or my own conscience. I ended up calling Ash one night after I had been hit for the first time. Lost in the where I was, I spoke to Ash freely and happily. Then Joy came into the room when she heard me talking and hit me a bit harder then last time. I just ran home as fast as I could hiding away from my family. When everyone left in the morning I called in sick but Ash came to me. I didn't think about it I just opened the door forgetting about last night.
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She left while I was asleep and when I woke up my life was shattered. I learned that Ash was taken to the ward because she had hospitalized Joy. I don't know the extent someone can feel guilt but I feel so guilty any of this happened. For the entire recovery of Joy I sat by her side caring for her. Feeling responsible for everything ate me alive so I reached out to everyone or anyone I could. No one cared about Ash she was forgotten by so many people and no one tried to do more. Even my parent's denied me to visit her, how can one bad decision destroy someones entire life. So unfair that life is unforgiving and Ash is the one to suffer the most.
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When Joy first awoke I didn't know what to say but she did. She apologized and explained why she did what she did to me. So I ended up telling her my thoughts because i needed to let someone in and help me sort these thoughts. Joy was mature beyond her age she had answers that I didn't have. And she was supportive of me taking care of Ash to the point we became somewhat friends. Joy said she would visit Ash for me and check on her so I waited impatiently for her to return.
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That place was breaking Ash and I was powerless to do anything. While I cried Joy told me to prepare for the future so i did with her help. This lead us to buying supplies for an apartment idea she came up with. And once Ash got out she would help me find a place to live. I honestly have no idea if I am ready but i feel like she needs this. My days are spent stocking up supplies and shopping for apartment's with Joy. And in the morning before school I wait at the park for her hopping today's the day she comes home.
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The day she came back to me was a flood of emotions. The Ash I remember was not the Ash before me but I still cried and missed her. She had changed so much over these months and she doesn't have her usual energy. Feeling like I lost the Ash from high school who learned to smile without faking it. But she's there now so it doesn't matter right. As long as I can hold and speak to her I can protect her this time right. I forgot about school and stayed with her all day until we found a place to for her to stay.
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Ash worked at a small grocery store for a sleeping space above the small store. The owner was struggling with the bussiness and raising her grandkids. So Ash managed to secure a place away from that cold place,I won't let them put her back in that place. I will work harder in school and find us a way forward. She will smile for me again one day I hope.
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