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/Cait; The Cost of Choices\
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With Ash working and safe I could focus on schoolwork to graduate our old friends don't seem to care about Ash. This hurts me but her parents and even that brother have forgotten about her which is worse. I just pretend to get along and get to graduation our life will be easier I'm sure of it. I ask Joy every time I see her if what I a. Doings right but she just says follow my heart. I managed to ask Ash the same thing when she looked more recovered. She just told me she would be fine whatever path I took and not to worry which made me worry more because she was trying to pretend again. All I have to do is graduate and work with joy to get an apartment together we can afford which should be easy enough between us.
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I spotted Ash at graduation I wish she was up here with me it would have been so perfect. She came to pick me up to celebrate my graduation but that made me sad since she didn't graduate. But she was getting better so I didn't wanna ruin this moment for her so we had a private party and got wasted. That night I got a glimpse inside of what Ash went through inside that place and it confirmed what Joy would tell me about her mother. She told me she found a part of herself inside that place and she felt so fearless her courage soared through her. But she told me how it terrified her as well because of the way it made her feel, she even told me it was dangerous with me around her. She muttered out about having to control it out of fear of hurting me before she passed out and I was left holding her holding back my tears.
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Ash wasn't a violent or dangerous person none of this should have happened and yet she's still trying to protect me. I never knew how hard it was to protect someone but she makes it look so easy when she does it effortlessly. I wish she would ask me out again I wanna utter those words so badly but I am so terrified, One day she will ask me again I hope. But the biggest question is do I deserve this after all I did to cause such pain for her. I don't feel I deserve her and I know she deserves better than me but I do truly love her, so what does that mean. My thoughts continued to plague me as I fought back my tears holding her as she slept on my lap. Why am I so weak all I need is a bit of courage even a leap of faith to tell her how I feel and we could surely make this work going forward.
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The morning came and I was awoken to the smell of breakfast, which was nice everything feels so perfect. Do we need to label our relationship further I don't wanna be so confused but it's so hard. After breakfast, I headed out to meet up with Joy so we could start looking for an apartment. Joy had contacts that made things easier so we found the perfect place that we could easily afford. Joy helped me move the supplies we bought together and it was time to celebrate with Ash. Well, that was a plan to surprise her with this news but Joy asked if I wanted to get a drink with her. I should not accept but at the same time, I want to so we ended up going to a bar for a drink but one turned to more and more. I woke up the next morning in Joy's bed which gave me a near panic attack I had to rush home to Ash. She will be so upset with me not coming home I will talk to Joy later about what happened but right now something inside of me keeps going off like alarms and I become more scared. God, I hope I didn't fuck up again I just need to get home.
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I didn't fix my hair and my clothes were so messy but when I entered her room she was just sitting at the table. Her eyes pierced me but she didn't ask because she knew the answer my head began to race with thoughts and I didn't know what to say or do we just stared at each other for a long time. Finally, she just said casually glad your okay Cait you had me worried. She didn't sleep I can tell and I am just stuck standing her silently anything would be better than silence Cait and then I just blurted it out that I got us an apartment. Because that would make it better right yet she smiles and says that's nice and how we can just head on over to start moving stuff today. The entire day she was different like she was distancing from me and it scared me more than anything. It doesn't help I have been lying to her or slept with Joy Jesus why am I such a screw-up. I can still fix this I'm sure I just need to get myself on the right path.
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We have been living in the new apartment for three weeks and everything has gotten better. I feel I ruined my chances to be with her but I am so afraid to ask her now after that incident. Well maybe it's because I feel so guilty about a lot of things but why can't I just speak with her honestly, why am I so terrified to speak. I know I have fucked up a lot I have mistakes happening constantly and I just can't seem to stop myself from making them. I have been trying to find work since we moved into the apartment but nothing has accepted my application yet. Ash had to find another job since that small grocery store had to close down finally which made me feel horrible. I was supposed to help and support her but so far I have been a burden to her but she won't say anything. She's happy with what we have I can see that it's just me who's unhappy with what I have contributed. I am so sorry Ash I will try harder I'm sure I can turn things around.
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I finally got a job at a furniture store and Ash found work at a shoe store around the corner from our home. Finally, things seemed to turn around I was able to contribute and help out around the apartment. I felt less of a burden and things were going well we spent around a year in our apartment and I finally got my promotion. My coworkers decided to take me out to celebrate my promotion and something was screaming at me to decline but I felt obligated. So I called Ash to tell her I was gonna head to celebrate my promotion with my coworkers. But when the words left my mouth I understood how it sounded and I tried to backtrack and fix what I said but she just said okay have fun. Before I could start kicking myself my coworkers were dragging me into a karaoke bar and I told myself I won't drink. This time Ash will be proud of me and I won't feel like I disappointed her again because that face she made last time nearly killed me.
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At some point, my order got mixed up and I didn't even realize what I was drinking till I took a large gulp. I felt the rush of liquid run through me and I know something wasn't right with my drink. I quickly put it down to find mine but it wasn't anywhere so I decided to go up front to ask for water. I felt the buzz hitting me whatever I drank was strong at some point between the water and returning to the karaoke room I lost track of time and where I was. The desk clerk and I was kissing and I ended up in a strange place so I just ran without even saying anything. I fucked up again but I can get home and explain everything I just need to get home. It was late and she was sitting in the dark when I entered she smiled at me and said I am glad you are safe, but her eyes had a vacant look in them as she spoke. I tried to defend my self and I could feel my liquid courage spike, this was spiraling. I was raising my voice and lashing out like a child and she didn't flinch she just kept smiling at me while wearing that hurt expression. What's wrong with me why can't I do things right but she told me I didn't need to defend myself she was just worried. But that hurt me so much because I wanted more and at one point I thought she did too and this just spurred me on till I was crying. This liquid courage is hurting me so bad but I can't seem to stop and before long I am already out the door.
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Ash gave up running she told me she had no reason to run anymore and I know she won't run after me. But I hope she does because I messed up big this time and I don't know what to do this time. This liquid courage still has a hold on me and it drives me forward as I run to a place unknown to me. The place I ended up was called Genies lounge and I was once more drinking down this liquid courage. I wanted to conquer it I wanted to feel numb I wanted so many things that I couldn't stop drinking. I woke up in a bed foreign to me and I just conceded that I am a failure that this was what I am. When I got up to leave a man introduced himself as Dan and explained everything that happened. He told me that his roommate Jean talked to Astra and took her home and I just broke down and cried words just started pouring out of me. I told this stranger everything because I had enough I couldn't hold it in any longer I was just so drained. He listened to me fully and then told me his thoughts about what I told him. He tried to help me work through this but I feel like I messed up everything with Ash. He assured me that anyone who runs through the town looking for someone like Astra did hasn't given up on me and I just started to cry again. Because Ash never once gave up on me it was me who fave up on me. Dan was understanding and helped me organize myself more but he told me I would have to apologize personally to Ash which I know I would need to.
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