Saturday night, after telling her parents she was going out with her volleyball friends, Melody picked up Becky at her house. On the way to the Burke Park, neither girl spoke. While Melody was still struggling to find the right words, Becky had a sudden fear she was about to get dumped. After Melody parked, the girls walked down the dark path to their bench. Becky was reassured after Melody took her hand but was still wary as to why Melody was so silent. The girls sat down, and in the dark, Becky felt Melody’s hand on her knee.
“Melody, please,” Becky said. “Whatever it is. We can work it out together.”
“I can’t take it anymore, Becky,” Melody began. “I can’t keep up this charade that everything is OK. I’m falling apart, even Coach Heucke noticed. She says if I don’t shape up, I won’t start next week. I can barely keep this act up at home. I’m having trouble sleeping and I can’t pay attention in class. I need help.”
“Honey, what is it?” Becky pleaded. “Is it us? Am I doing this to you?”
“It’s not you,” Melody explained. “I’m doing this to myself.”
As Melody began trembling, Becky placed her arm around her with concern. “Honey, please don’t start shaking. I hate it when you do that. Let me help you. What’s wrong?”
“Becky, I’m being torn apart inside,” Melody said. “I’ve wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn’t understand. The reason I can’t make love to you is because this relationship is the most frightening thing I’ve ever experienced. I wish I could just give myself to you completely. I really want to, but…”
“But what?” Becky asked softly. “Tell me. We’re in this together.”
Melody sighed deeply and began. “You know I’ve been going to church ever since I was born. Even now, I go to teenage Bible study before church service begins. It’s how I was raised.”
Becky nodded.
“I will never forget what my mother told me when I was a little girl. In my room, as I laid in the very bed we’ve been in together, she told me God sees everything. He watches us all the time, even our thoughts. God hates when we sin, but He’s given us a path to salvation. Asking Jesus to forgive us is the only way to heaven, but we must be truly sorry. We must repent with a pure heart. We must promise to never sin again in that same manner. If we lie, we are not forgiven and doomed to burn in the Lake of Fire for all eternity.”
Becky said nothing. She could see Melody was terribly upset and did not want to interrupt her. She reached down for Melody’s hand and held it in both of hers.
“What my heart wants and what God wants are two different things,” Melody admitted. “I’ve never questioned my faith but being with you goes against everything I was raised to believe. Being gay is a sin, the Bible says so. If that’s what I really am, I can’t accept it knowing God will hate me. I’m always fighting this endless inner battle. I pray for guidance, but I end up arguing with God while trying to justify my feelings for you.”
“So, all this time you think we’ve been sinning?” Becky asked incredulously. “After all we’ve been through together, you actually believe our relationship is evil?”
“When we’re together like this, or in the back of the car, I forget all that. I don’t think; I’m just happy. When I go to bed at night, I’m still thinking about you, but then my mind brings up everything they say in church. I have impure thoughts about you, and I can’t stop. I can’t ask for forgiveness when I’m not sorry. I want you, Becky, but it’s a sin to be with you. It’s all so confusing and I’m scared. I’m ready for sex, but I’m afraid of the consequences. As much as I fear God, I’m more afraid of you getting bored with me and finding someone who will do the things you want!”
Melody could barely finish her last sentence. She twisted herself, threw her arms around Becky, and wailed in sorrow as tears poured from her eyes. Becky tried to console her, but Melody had lost control of herself. As her entire body shook violently, Melody pressed her eyes against Becky’s shoulder and began to hyperventilate. Becky winced in pain as Melody’s fingers dug into her back, but she didn’t make a sound. She just held onto Melody, waiting for her to calm down.
“What are we going to do, Becky?” Melody pleaded as she gasped for air. “What are we going to do?”
Becky held Melody tightly and rocked her gently, as if she were a child. After Melody had finally quieted down, Becky whispered in her ear. “Nothing. We’re gonna do nothing.”
“Please don’t be mad at me,” Melody mumbled. “I wanted to figure this out for myself without having to tell you.”
“I’m not mad,” Becky said. “But I wish you told me sooner. I could have helped you. I understand better than you think.”
“You do?” Melody sniffled.
“Melody,” Becky began. “I understand how it feels to be torn apart inside. For years I heard voices in my head, arguing all at once, telling me different things. I didn’t know what to listen to. I remember telling myself that I would destroy our friendship if I came on to you. I told myself everything would be OK if I just met the right guy. I tried so hard to force myself to stop feeling the way I do, but I never could. I know what it’s like to lay awake all night asking yourself questions that seem to have no answers.”
“Becky, please… How did you finally get past it?”
“It was so easy,” Becky said. “I think our brains have a self-defense mechanism that kicks in when we’ve had enough. I don’t remember where I was or what I was doing, but all at once, everything just shut down. I stopped hearing voices, stopped second guessing my feelings, and I quit arguing with myself. Honey, when it was over, all I heard was what my heart had been telling me all along. I understand your inner conflict. You’ll get through it. I can’t tell you how liberating it is once it’s over.”
“But it’s different with me,” Melody said. “You were arguing with yourself. I’m up against God! No matter what I want, I must obey God. He’ll never accept me if I stay with you, but in my heart, I know we belong together. I have to choose between you and God and it’s killing me!”
“I don’t see it that way,” Becky said as she frowned in the darkness. “Let me tell you something. I’m a lesbian but I wasn’t given any say so in the matter. It wasn’t my choice. God made me this way, so if anything, it’s His fault. We’re going to Florida to build a life together. If He doesn’t like it, that’s His fucking problem not ours. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
With her face still pressed against Becky’s shoulder, Melody nodded.
“Melody, my life is a train wreck. If there’s really an invisible man in the sky who loves me, He’s got a shitty way of showing it. I know you believe in Him, and I respect that. When I was in the shelter, I heard too many Bible thumping, judgmental hypocrites, but you’re the real deal, Melody. If there is a God, you’re the type of person He wants people to be like. This world would be a better place if everyone was more like you, and it wouldn’t matter if they were gay or not!”
“You make it sound so easy,” Melody replied as more tears streamed down her cheeks. “I’m so tired. All I think about is God and sin and hell. I hate this guilt that’s always eating away at me. The only time my life makes any sense is when we’re together. I’m so scared to be alone now. I think too much. I worry too much. There’s too much stuff in my head and I can’t clear it out.”
Becky placed her hands on Melody’s shoulders and gently pushed her away. She lifted Melody’s chin with the side of her forefinger and stared into the icy-blue eyes she loved so much. The tears welling in Melody’s eyes magnified the sparkles that the moonlight had created within them, and the result was breathtaking. Becky wished she had the knowledge necessary to capture such an image on film. She wanted to kiss Melody but knew this was not the time. She spoke carefully, because Melody was in a state more fragile than she had ever seen before.
“Melody,” she began. “I hate what this is doing to you. Let’s take a break.”
A shiver of fear electrified Melody’s body. “What are you saying, Becky? You’re breaking up with me?”
“No! Honey, no! That’s not what I meant.”
“Well what do you mean?” Melody asked, wiping her eyes, destroying the sparkling effect that had mesmerized Becky.
“No more back seat. No more making out,” Becky said. “Before we got together, I had a lot of time to come to grips with myself. You never had that opportunity. Take some time for yourself and get through this. I’m gonna back off and keep my distance so I don’t pressure you.”
“No,” Melody whimpered. “I don’t like this.”
“Honey, I’m not abandoning you. I still need your help in Spanish, we’ll still have lunch together, and I’ll see you at work. Baby, nothing’s changed. We’re still together. Whenever you need to talk, I’ll be there for you. You’re just under too much pressure. I’m sure everyone like us goes through something like this. You have to accept you’re a lesbian, just like I did. Then, you must make peace between yourself and God. I can’t help you with that. You gotta do it on your own.”
“I can’t!” Melody cried. “What am I supposed to do without you?”
“You’re gonna do what you’re supposed to do,” Becky said, trying to stay strong for them both. “Concentrate on your volleyball and get that starting spot. I’ve been waiting two years to see you play. Get some sleep. Read all those books you say you never have time for. Focus on your classes. Hell, go skateboarding while the weather is still nice. Just spend time with your inner self, that’s where you need to be.”
“What are you going to do?” Melody asked.
“Honey, I’ll keep myself busy. I can put in extra hours at McDonald’s. I’ll work on my Spanish. There’s a stack of photography books at the library I’ve been meaning to get to. Next weekend I got a birthday party to go to, one of the girls from the lacrosse team.”
Melody sat quietly, pondering everything that Becky had said. It was logical. It made sense, but it was also going to hurt. However, she had no answers of her own and she certainly could not continue the way she was going. It was time she faced her demons. Finally, she nodded.
“OK,” Melody said calmly. “I understand this is for the best, but it feels like a breakup.”
Becky reached inside her T-shirt and pulled out her half of the silver heart. “Melody,” she said. “I promise you on my life; I will never break up with you. You take all the time you need. I’ll be waiting. The only reason I’m forcing you to do this is so we can truly be together. You’ve got to believe that.”
“I want that too,” Melody said.
“Your heart is the key,” Becky said. “There’s so much shit screaming in your head, you can’t hear the truth your heart is whispering. Once you can finally hear what your heart is telling you, everything will make sense. I promise.”
Melody pulled out her charm and leaned in closer to put her half of the heart next to Becky’s. As the two charms connected to form a complete heart, Melody whispered, “Best Friends.”
“Always,” Becky said. “I promise, no matter happens, I’ll always be your best friend.”
“I’m scared,” Melody said. “What if I can’t go through with it? What if I can’t accept being gay? What if we can only be friends?”
“Then we’ll be friends,” Becky said.
“But if we’re friends, you’ll get another girlfriend,” Melody said.
“Eventually,” Becky said. “It’ll take a long time to get over you, but yes, one day I’ll be with someone else.”
“It hurts me just to hear you say that,” Melody said as her shoulders began to shake. “Do you have any idea how I’d feel to see you with another girl?”
As Melody started to cry again, Becky placed her hand on her shoulder, then ran her fingers through Melody’s hair. “Darling,” Becky said. “I’m going to miss you. It hurts me to push you away like this, but I’m not putting us through this just so I can be with someone else. I believe in you. You can do this, but if you deny your feelings and go against what your heart says, not only will you lose me, you’ll struggle with this your whole life and wind up alone and miserable.
After wiping her eyes again, Melody threw her arms around Becky and held her tightly. “How do you put up with me?” Melody asked. “I’m crazy and I cry too much.”
“Because I love you, Melody Mivshek,” Becky thought. “I love you so much.”
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