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SUB 1 : Make it right (Navy's POV)
I couldn't take it anymore. My life is just a piece of shit. I am not worthy to live. I am a loser, a total loser. I am not attractive. I am fat with low self-esteem. Always allowed people to bully me and take advantage of me. I like to sing but my voice is bad. I like to dance but always get mocked by people. On top of that, i cannot improve any of that because of my financial situation. I am poor.
I am afraid of what people might say to me. To the point where i have to hide the fact that I am gay. I was so afraid that my family and friends will cast me away if they ever know that. Even though, I am gay, still no men would be attracted to be with someone like me. I have been rejected so many times because of my body and it hurts so bad.
I wanted to change my life but now, everything seems too late. I have reached my mid 30's and there is no hope for me to change anything anymore. I really cannot see any more open road for me to be happy. Maybe, I don't deserve to be happy. Maybe, it will be much easier for me if I don't have to life and go through all this anymore.
That's why i keep praying to God to turn back time for me to change everything about myself. I don't want to change the fact that I am a gay. I just want to change everything that I feel go wrong with my life and make everything right.
But no matter how much you believe in God, there are things that you cannot expect to happen. Like, turning back time. That is why, I am giving up on the hope. I am now standing on top of my workplace building. Decided to end all of this misery in my heart. To put stop to all the sadness in my mind.
Maybe after this, I will for sure be in peace. I will for sure be happy. Maybe, maybe, maybe.
"This is what i should have done a long time ago. I am not happy in this world. The world is too cruel. I don't deserve to live in this cruel world."
My tears are running like a waterfall. Not because i am afraid to die, but because I feel sad and unjust to be in this world. I have nothing. Nothing.
"Please don't do that to yourself."
a voice just reached my head. I can hear it echoes in a soothing voice.
"There are lots of things for you to be happy about in this world." the voice continues.
"No, nothing will make me happy. I will not be happy anymore. I had enough." I replied to it out loud.
"What defines your happiness?" the echoes asked.
"I wanted to live in wealthy family, I want to train myself since early to become a confident person, an attractive man and lovable one. I want to do many things if I could go back in time." I answer the voice even though i know there is no more point.
"Do you think you will be happy if you have all that?"
"Yes!" I answer in a flash.
"Well, close your eyes for one minute while remembering all the faces of the people that you loved in this life."
I sigh. Don't know what 's gotten into me, I'll just follow the voice's order. I close my eyes. All the faces of people that I loved now flashing in front of me one by one. Mom, dad, my brother, my friends, my grandmom, my aunts and the special one, who I will love dearly for the rest of my life even though I will never get to be with him.
Suddenly, I can feel myself crying. All the possibilities about to happen if I make the action to take my own life. All of them must be devastated. They will suffer. I can see my parent tears and cry. No, this is wrong.
I shouldn't make this decision. It is so selfish of me. I don't want my parent to suffer like that. I am still a precious human being to them. Yes, I love them and don't want to make them cry.
"Do you remember all the faces?" the voice ask me.
"Yes, and I regret my decision. I don't want to end my life if it will make other people suffer. And there are still people who love me." I reply whilst closing my eyes.
"Then, you must remember clearly all the memories you had with your loved ones. You must remember it."
"Why?"
"So, when you open your eyes, you will never ever forget them anymore."
It's true. I always thought about myself when i am in a difficult situation. Now I know, I am lovable. I am precious.
All the memories while I was growing up flashing in my mind. The happiness and the heartache. It was all in my memory, and I will never ever forget it. Not anymore.
"When you open your eyes, remember, all your decision after this, should be based on what will make you happy. Whenever you're ready, open it."
I am taking my breathe in deeply. I am relieved that i will change my life to be a better person for the sake of me. I will live with whatever that makes me happy from now on. Yes, I will do that.
Slowly, I open my eyes. It was quite hard cause I saw a ray of light was shining brightly in front of me. But then, when I fully open my eyes, everything around me is different.
I am in a beautiful foreign room while laying down on a big bed. I sit on the bed and start to look around. Where is this place? Where am i?
Then, I realized someone is looking at me through the glass. It was like a 14-year-old kid. I walk towards the glass. The kid turns out to be me! I am a 14-year-old kid! What is going on now!!!
"Arghhhhh!!!!!!" I scream my lung out.
A few seconds later, a beautiful lady comes in with a worried face and started to hug me and calm me down.
"Calm down, Navy. Calm down. Everything is okay. Mama is here."
Mama? That lady is calling herself as my mom.
"Who are you?" I asked her after I calm down.
Her face a bit shocked. She looks at me with a confused face.
"I am your mom, honey. What is wrong? Why you asked me that? Are you okay?" Then, she starts to cry in front of me.
I am still confused. Is this a dream? Yes, this must be a dream. I release myself from her hug and start to pinch and slap myself. It hurts so much. But I am still here. Meaning, all of this is real? Am i just go back in time with a totally different life now?
"Honey, don't hurt yourself. Tell me what's wrong, please." The lady plead me with her tears.
"Does all of this is real?" i ask with a low voice.
She nodded.
So, does all my wish come true? Am I really go back in time, and I can be who I want to be from now on? Is this really true? This is the truth. Everything here is real. The kid I saw in the mirror glass is me. This is me.
I started crying in happiness. The lady the hug me and cry with me too without knowing the real reason.
So, my new life will begin from now on. All of my decision from now on, should be based on what I am truly love and will make me happy. I will not waste this second chance. Never.
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Note: At some point, I was actually thinking about suicide a lot. But, Because of my friends and family, they gave me strength to keep on living. Please, if you ever feel like lonely or on the verge of to take your own life, seek help. Your life is too precious to end like that. Many people actually love you.
PS: Navy will start to live as he wants from now on. So, the next sub, I will skip the phases of his growing up and will go straight into his adulthood. But I will still clarify what he has done to become what he has become now.
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