Dear Myself,
HOLY GUACAMOLY, WHAT, WHO, WHERE, WHY, HOW, WTF?!?!?!?!?!
I got in.
In.
In.
Into the City College to do Childcare. And it was all thanks to the girl I love the most in the universe, Michelle and her quick actions to grab me a place. Earlier this week, I received a letter from them to say that I hadn't been successful but was on a reserve list should any student decide the course wasn't for them and wanted to bail. However, that answer didn't satisfy me one bit. Flicking through the College guide to find anything else that suited me, nothing other than being with children jumped out towards me. I did cry for a little while Diary when everyone else was out of the house doing the weekly food shop. Hating myself for the way I messed up the interview and not saying a permanent address for living in at the time. Since I'm now legally an adult, I don't have to return home at this point in my life but one day once the atmosphere isn't so rough between us all, I'll be back with the girl to let them the family know that I'm free and being who I want to be.
Blasting out a song about letting loved ones down and calling me dumb, I didn't hear the sound of the door opening, the gasp or my name being said. It was only after I felt someone grasp my hand with theirs I realised Michelle had arrived back and was super concerned about me. The tears flowed out like a fountain, muscles ached with my mind sending out negative remarks such as I look ugly or I was too stupid to even stay in education. The minutes ticked on by but still, my body and mind were having none of it. When I was left alone, that's when things changed. My phone had some old playlists on it that I hadn't touched for months, so putting one of those on for nostalgia purposes was a laugh. My girl came out onto the landing during a Pussycat Dolls song and started dancing around like hell. She really does have the power of making people laugh.
Later the same day, I discover that during my long crying spell, she had actually emailed the City College to tell the Childcare course instructors that if I wasn't getting a place, she wouldn't be attending the College again. That was a very bold and scary move that never would have believed someone would do. And all because they loved me and no other person. Well, Michelle does love her parents but since she sees me everyday, that makes our bond stronger and closer. Her Dad taught us how to tie a knot, no not actually getting married but rather using a old piece of rope and tying a knot in the middle. On the first attempt, my pretty looking creation came loose and fell apart but if at first you don't succeed, then try again. The satisfying result when you finish a task sets you going for the rest of the day. How the College on the other hand were going to react to her email I had no clue.
Then earlier today, another letter arrived in the mail addressed to me and Michelle with the familiar logo at the top from the place we both knew all too well. Hand shaking, I opened up the envelope and slowly pulled out the contents. I read it once, twice, three times then a scream unleashed itself from the pits of my mouth. She took the paper from my hands and read just the one sentence that said it all.
You have a place on the course
My future suddenly seemed to flick a light switch on in my head. Brighter, joyful, being with children. I was on the course. But there were people I had to message to let them know the good news. Through Messenger, I sent Damien a quick text to tell the parents I had got onto the course then texting Leia the result and finally, physically calling my Gran who I hadn't spoken to since I visited her with Michelle. For once, it was a glorious time. Until the fear kicked in, how would the others react to me being an A-Level failure? Would my age be an issue? Did I look ugly? How were others going to perceive me as? The questions made my brain ache. September is fast approaching and since my offer came in late, I have to run around a mad bull trying to get the essential textbooks and sort out a uniform for the nursery settings. Money was no longer going to be an issue, both of us could finally do something together at last that wasn't in the local area.
Regarding my writing, I decided to write kind of like a love poem to Michelle but rather more of I'm thankful for you message. This will round off the letter for now.
I'm Thankful
She
The only one I need
Came along during a time
Of hurt and greed
Battling against the horrors
Broken down relationships
Can be
Having her there
Means a lot to me
I see her each day
Sometimes happy
Others pained
Differences put aside
As I need her in my life
The growing need for more
Kisses and cuddles
Reassurance in my darkest hours
Whenever the sun shines
Or a heavy shower
Bashes against the walls
Of our happy place
Needing her each day
Comfort for the strain
Joy I used to dream
About each night
Tears lingering on the pillow
In deep fright
She
Makes me believe
In the person I want to be
I'm thankful for that
Really random I know but once I practice my poetry and storytelling more, my writing will get better for sure. She is my muse, an inspiration for my creative energy. I'm storing it tight for my future projects. Goodnight my love.
Yours,
Morwenna.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
