Dear Myself,
This week was eventful to say the least. For the first time in months, I walked down the familiar pavement that lead the way towards the sixth form and now my old school and also to the bus stop to go into the city. That feels like a lifetime ago but I managed to complete the journey and it was all thanks to the love and support of Michelle who encouraged me (not forcefully) to return to my old digs. My Dad’s birthday falls into the middle of September and this time last year, all of us were eating a fancy dinner at a local Italian restaurant and trying not to spill any of the spaghetti onto the marble floor. Now, it was just silence waking up and not hearing my little sister Jasmine cry.
I had given a card and present to Mum on her birthday earlier in the year so it only seemed right I did the same for my Dad because he's not a bad person, he stuck by the woman of his dreams despite her early pregnancy with me and now they’re happy together (even with the arguments) and have two gorgeous children to share it with. Not me though, I'm not a kid anymore. During one of my College breaks, I headed into a couple of shops and looked for a decent card and small present to fit through the letterbox since I still wasn't ready to show my face yet. The cards were split up into sections such as happy anniversary or congratulations, you've just passed your driving test. Boycotting all of those, I found one with a cartoon character sat down, focused on a computer but the text in the speech bubble was a little bit… adult so I wouldn't include it in here Diary. Hope you don't mind.
I found a new designer wallet, quite cheap on one of the sale rails in TK Maxx which is a clothing store in case you were wondering and seeing if the size would perfectly fit into the same envelope as the card, it did much to my relief. Michelle let me use a spare pen to write out the card and a quick note about the present. Making a pact to myself that I wouldn't share my current living situation, I quickly wrapped things up there. A few days of comfort and cuddles with her since my anxiety was playing up helped to get myself out of the house and on a bus up towards the neighbourhood I left weeks ago. What would the neighbours say if they saw me holding hands with the girl I love? She came with me and boy, am I glad she did. If we were seen and laughed at, the plan involved her chasing them away and not the middle finger method like last time. But it didn't come to that.
After getting off the bus, we crossed over and walked hand in hand to the driveway in which one of the family cars sat on quietly. My gut feeling told me that everyone was in the house but no ringing the doorbell in case their reactions to seeing me were bad. Taking a deep breath, I shakily posted the card and wallet through the letterbox and quickly legged it towards the old shops I used to visit as well as the road to the school. Michelle followed me in tow as I pointed out various sights: The bungalow with the bright pink door, an old BMX bike stuck in the back of someone's garden hedge and most importantly, the scary house I had ventured into with Leia to explore. Over time, some of the bushes had been trimmed back but the boards still reminded in place. A little birdy told me that some dudes had been drinking recently as fresh open cans of cider sat on the stone wall looking pretty. Then up towards the school and sixth form building, a few dog walkers passed us by as I sat down on the front wall starting to feel unwell.
It dawned on me that the old, innocent days were over and before I could do anything, I felt her sit down next to me and bring myself closer to her to hear words of love. Hearts beating together, the sounds of birds in the distance chirruping away. Finally, the calling for… a new book. I needed a book in my life once more. After writing a blog post about confusion over books to purchase, the recommendations that flooded into my messages saw me add fifty books to my Amazon wishlist. Apparently, it's controversial to have one of those active and for others to see but in my view, it just helps me stay on track regarding what catches my eye. Instead of going home, we arrived back in the city to go into Waterstones to see what I could find from the wishlist.
I bought… Three books! Three! And there's a story behind them all. First was Turtles All The Way Down by John Green, the only copy that remained was a damaged edition being sold for dirt cheap (£5) and according to reviews being posted online, there's a mental health aspect to it as well surrounding the main character. Then, The Wizards of Once by Cressida Cowell who wrote stories with dragons in such as How To Train Your Dragon, a film that Michelle loves. Finally, Mirror Mirror by Cara Delevingne spoke to me from the sales table but am cautious for this one since opinions overall are mixed. Book hauls are so much fun to discuss and share about with others, you don't really want to try and break their bank too much ;)
My kindle is remained alone in a drawer but after a quick charge and re-shuffle of stories on it, now ready to go and tackle new reads! Seeing free books is such a tempting offer but trying to organise over a hundred of them wasn't going to be easy. It was hard saying goodbye to the others I’d simply lost interest in.
I'm falling asleep now, will stop writing since I don't want pen marks to follow me down onto my face. Off I go!
Yours,
Morwenna.
ns 15.158.61.54da2
