Blue
Keegan pulls me to the four-poster log bed, unbuttoning my flannel shirt and yanking off my undershirt.
Naturally, I reciprocate, pulling off the three layers she’s wearing.
She climbs into my lap, then closes her eyes as I slowly ease each bra strap down her shoulders and slide my hand around to release the clasp.
“Blue.”
I’ll never get tired of hearing her say my name like that, half word and half moan.
I toss her bra on the floor and brace my body with one hand, rolling my entire face over her beautiful breasts and swirling my tongue around her nipples.
Then I run my tongue from her collarbone up her throat, tasting the cold air on her skin.
“God, Blue.”
She grabs my face and kisses the hell out of me, tightening her thighs against my abdomen as her breasts tickle my chest.
“Keegan,” I sigh into her mouth. “God, Keegan. I love you.”
“And I love you.”
My chest feels tight, like I can’t get a decent breath.
Hearing her say she loves me helps me believe things will be all right.
That somehow, I’ll pass through this dark cloud that seems to follow me all the time.
I flip her over, pull her legs apart, and drive into her.
“God, you’re so wet,” I gasp. “You’re so wet for me, Keegan.”
She smiles, her eyes hooded, the tip of her finger running over her lips.
My tongue catches her finger and pulls it into my mouth for a moment.
“So good,” I pant.
And here I am again, deflecting with sex.
There are so many things we should be talking about. So many thorny issues we ought to be working through.
This time though, it’s not just me. It feels like Keegan is dealing with our shit—well, my shit—by deflecting, too.
That can’t be healthy.
But it sure feels good.
I part her lips with mine, feel our tongues battling. Then I close my eyes, trying to slow the building release I know is coming.
I want to make sure Keegan finishes before me.
I want to see that look of sudden elation that takes over her face.
She gets it every time she orgasms. Every time, she looks kind of surprised. Like it’s the first time she’s experienced it.
I love to watch her. Every emotion. Every sensation. Everything about this girl. I want to be here for it all.
Keegan tightens her legs around me, and I can feel her start to shudder.
I squeeze my eyes shut. I need to slow down.
But then, suddenly, images are crashing into my brain: the CASEVAC chopper ride where my seared back had me in agony; the debriefing on base when I realized that everyone thought I was the lone survivor of yet another insurgent attack.
When I realized they didn’t know what I’d done.
Don’t think, Blue. Just act.
My eyes fly open. Did Keegan say that again? Or did I just think it?
Her eyes are closed. Her face is tilted up, her lips softly open. She’s lost in her own pleasure.
I drive harder, and her hips rise to meet mine.
“I’m so close, Keegan,” I gasp. “I’m so close.”
Her thighs grip me even tighter and her encouraging smile is all I need to completely let go.
After a moment, I collapse at her side, curling a leg over her.
“God,” I pant, “that was so good.”
She nods, weaving her hand through mine.
A few moments later, we hear the horses neighing outside.
Keegan stretches her arms above her head and then sits up, her chest hunched over her knees in the chilly air.
“We probably need to get back,” she sighs. “Virginia wants to have a pizza and game night.”
She gazes up at the ceiling. “It’s her that’s playing games. I just can’t figure out what she’s up to.”
I run my fingers down the satiny skin of her bare back.
“You know, it is possible,” I venture, “that she is genuinely trying to make amends.”
She skewers me with a sour look and a cocked eyebrow. “I suppose it’s possible,” she drawls, “but not likely.”
She stretches again and takes a deep breath.
“I need to find time today to do some studying,” she says. ‘I’m so behind, and finals start in a week.”
I haven’t even thought about finals. Probably won’t, ’til the night before. I’m a mediocre student, at best. All I really care about is the music.
But Keegan is a different story.
She seems to be on fire at the newspaper. She’s got a piece in almost every issue. I’ve started picking up a copy, just to read her stuff.
She’s a damn good writer.
And she seems to get such joy out of succeeding in her classes. She’s carrying straight A’s, while I’m happy just to pass.
She so unbelievably smart and passionate. I’m in awe of her mind and heart.
My eyes drift to her breasts, mashed against her thighs. That’s all it takes to give me another hard on.
I’m in awe of her body, too.
I flip the sheet to cover myself, trying to dampen things down.
“Hey,” I pipe up, “if you’ve got too much to do tomorrow, I can drop you back at the house before I go on to Tulsa. You can meet my mother some other time. She’ll understand.”
Keegan pivots to face me, covering her breasts with the sheet. Her eyes narrow.
“No way,” she says firmly. “I want to meet your mother. I can work my studying in today and Sunday.”
She’s scrutinizing my expression.
“Blue,” she asks, slowly, “is there some reason you don’t want me to meet your mom?”
I stare at her a second, my mouth dropping open.
I’m not entirely sure how to respond. I mean, I do want to spend all the time I can with Keegan.
But I’ve had a knot of dread in my stomach for days, thinking about being around my mother and Keegan.
I’m worried she’ll let something slip about Afghanistan.
And I’m scared that Mama will be super emotional and freak both of us out.
She has good reason to be emotional. But I’m not sure I can handle it, especially in front of Keegan.
“Blue?” she says again. “Is it because of who my grandmother is?”
“What?” I stammer. “No! Of course not.”
I sit up and grab her hand. “It’s not that at all, Keegan. Do you really think I care about that? And Mama doesn’t either. I promise you. No, no. It’s…”
My face is heating up. “It’s just the whole Afghanistan thing. My mom doesn’t know, and I…”
“And you think I’m going to tell her?” Her sharp tone tells me she’s offended. “Jeez, give me a little credit, Blue.”
Her eyes narrow again. “Do you not trust me?” she asks.
“Of course I trust you!” I thrust my fingers through my hair. “That’s not what I meant. It’s not…it’s not you, it’s me. It’s just that, I…”
The way I’m fumbling around makes it sound like I’m lying.
Jesus. How did this go wrong so fast?
I force myself to take a deep breath. “I’ve been a shit to my mother since I got back, okay? And I’m kind of dreading seeing her and…”
Keegan jumps off the bed and starts hurriedly putting on her clothes. “And you don’t want me there,” she snaps. “Obviously.”
She quickly slides on her socks and then shoves her feet into her feet.
Then she heads down the stairs.
“No! Wait! That’s not it!”
I jump out of bed and look around for my underwear, but I can’t find them.
Finally, I just thrust my legs into my jeans and then frantically throw on my sweatshirt.
The cabin door creaks open.
“Keegan!”
By the time I catch up with her, she’s untying Lucy and leading her away from the hitching post.
“What are you doing?” I cry out, wriggling my bare feet in the icy air. “Just come back inside, Keegan. Please.”
She ignores me, mounting the horse and turning toward the trail we came up only an hour ago.
“You know, Blue,” she says, holding the horse in place, “this whole time, ever since you told me what happened to you, I’ve felt this…this wall going up between us.”
There’s a tremor in her voice.
“Like, so many times, when we’re together, it feels like you are trying to block me out, keep part of you separate from me.”
The horse stamps and snorts, impatient to be off.
“Why did you even tell me about Afghanistan if you were just going to shut me out afterwards, Blue?” she demands.
“Do you know what it does to me, to see you suffer, to listen to your nightmares? Do you w—“
“That’s why I should never have fucking told you!” I scream.
Even as I’m losing it, I know how much I’m going to regret this. But I cannot stop.
“It wasn’t your burden to carry, Keegan!” I’m waving my arms around. “I should never have put this on you. You’re not prepared for it. You’re not—“
Her jaw clenches in anger, and she shakes her head.
“Stop talking about me like I’m a fucking five-year-old, Blue,” she grits out. “I know I’m younger than you. But I’m still a goddamn adult.”
I drag my hands down my face. “Keegan—“
“I can help you,” she goes. “Better yet, a professional could help you. But you’re too proud or stubborn or whatever to accept help. It’s like you want to wallow in—”
“You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about!” I shriek. “Not one fucking clue!”
There’s a long, agonizing moment of silence.
I’m blinking away tears, and through them, I can see Keegan wiping away tears of her own.
What the fuck have I done?
“Fine,” she says, gathering the reins and swallowing hard. “Make sure the door is closed when you leave, okay? Just…give me a head start. I need some time to think.”
“Keegan. Please. Don’t leave without me. Just let me get my coat and shoes and—”
“I need a little time, Blue.”
Each word is clipped and cold.
“I don’t want to ride back with you right now. If you don’t remember the way, just give Okie his head. He knows how to get home.”
She gives Lucy a light kick, and the horse disappears down the trail.
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