Keegan
Show me a hero, and I'll write you a tragedy.
That F. Scott Fitzgerald quote pops into my mind as Blue grips the steering wheel. I read the quote somewhere a few years ago and scribbled it in the margin of my journal, liking the irony and poignancy of it. But until just this minute, I don't think I fully understood its meaning.
Staring at Blue's tense face as he drives away from his mother's house in Tulsa, the words hold new meaning.
To me, Blue is a hero. He served his country. He tried to help a young girl facing a terrible fate.
And it all went horribly wrong.
Yes, he lied about it. But I understand why. I understand why he was so scared and grief-stricken that he made a rash decision.
In my mind, Blue is a good guy. He always will be. But I know not everyone would agree with me. I know that if other people found out what happened, he might be in danger. His freedom might be in danger. Even his life. And that scares me.
Riding away from the cabin yesterday, I was so frustrated with Blue, so hurt by what seems like his refusal to trust me, to fully open up to me, that I thought about breaking up with him. For about a minute.
But by the time I reached the stand of Ponderosa pines surrounding a cluster of boulders that mark the trail's turn toward the river, I knew I couldn't do it.
I love Blue. Wildly, deeply, with every part of my being. I can't walk away from him. I won't walk away from him.
And by the time Lucy and I reached the river a quarter mile away and she waded in to get some well-deserved gulps of water, I was wondering why I pushed Blue so hard to tell me his secret. Why I was still pushing him to tell his mother.
It was an act of faith for him to tell me, for him to trust me like that. He's under so much pressure. So why am I adding to it? Why can't I just be there for him and let him deal with things in his own way? In his own time?
I'd just slid off my horse and knelt to splash a handful of icy water on my face when I heard the sound of pounding hooves on the trail behind me. I looked up to see Okie coming down the trail at almost a full gallop, with Blue clinging to his back.
When he spotted me, Blue slowed the horse and I saw the look of relief that crossed his face.
I'd fumbled with Lucy's reins, needing something to divert my attention, my heart pounding in my ears. What was Blue going to say to me? What should I say to him?
He jumped off before his horse even came to a full stop and ran toward me. At the same time, I dropped Lucy's reins and rushed into his arms. We clung to each other, Blue covering my face with kisses.
"I'm sorry," he gasped. "God, I'm sorry, Keegan. I tried to give you some time. I did try. But I couldn't let you ride away, not like that. I couldn't...I don't know why I shut you out, I don't...I can't lose you...I..."
"Shhh," I whispered, gripping his cheeks in my hands. "It's okay. It's okay, Blue. It's my fault. I should never have pushed you the way I did."
Now, sitting in Blue's car with the heat from the vent hitting my face, I smile, remembering how we put our foreheads together then and how our icy breath mingled as we kissed.
"Keegan? You with me?" Blue is waving a hand in front of my face.
He draws a finger down my cheek, and I think of how he did the same thing yesterday while he was wearing my brother's work-roughened gloves. The gloves that smell like everything I associate with the ranch and my family and my place in it.
It did something to me, that moment, that smell. It's like a lifetime of conflicting memories and emotions got shrunk down into a bittersweet pinpoint that was almost too much to handle.
"Where'd you go?" Blue asks, giving me an amused smile.
I blink several times to clear my eyes. "I was just thinking about yesterday," I say, swallowing the lump in my throat. "How you came galloping up on Okie. How we walked the horses back along the river. How good it was, how...how close I felt to you."
I break into a teasing grin. "And about you wearing Buick's big-ass gloves. You were so cute, like a little boy wearing his Daddy's gloves."
Blue rolls his eyes. "Jeez. Way to wound a man's ego. It's not my fault your brother's got freakishly huge hands." He throws a sly smile at me. "Hey, if I were you, I'd focus on the fact you may end up with Kendra as a sister-in-law."
I throw my head back against the headrest and groan. "Don't remind me."
My brother and Kendra seemed to be smitten with each other almost from the moment they met. Buick even insisted on driving Kendra and Max back to Hickory Flat instead of us dropping them off.
"They've known each other for all of two days," I protest, wrinkling my nose. "It's ridiculous!"
Blue shifts his eyes back to the road as his smile fades. "I got the feeling Buick and your dad didn't like me much."
His plaintive tone tugs at my heart. I cup the back of his neck with my hand and tug playfully on his hair. "Don't worry," I try to reassure him. "Those two are just alike. It takes them awhile to warm up to people. It's not just you. Soon they'll like you almost as much as I do."
We spend the next several minutes sparring over what music to listen to. I win eventually and select a Taylor Swift playlist that I know will drive Blue crazy. He playfully pretends to vomit and then focuses on driving.
"One thing we don't have to worry about is my mother liking you," Blue says after a while, turning the music down a notch and fiddling with the fringes of my scarf. "She definitely did. She told me so."
Smiling, I squeeze his hand. "I liked her too."
I glance away from him, studying the small clusters of buildings that make up the place we're driving through. What my grandpa used to call a one-horse town.
I did like Blue's mother, Maria, from the moment she rushed out the ornate front doors of her sprawling, Tudo-style house in Tulsa and pulled me into her arms. She was plump and warm, her eyes the same heart-stopping color as her son's.
"Mama, give her a chance to get in the door." Blue had sounded impatient, on edge.
His mother placed her soft hands on my face. "Blue told about about your mama, you poor thing," she cooed in a pure Oklahoma twang.
I'd closed my eyes, wanting to melt against her comforting body like a little kid, my breath snagged by the sharp longing for my own mother that sliced through me.
Maria planted a kiss on my forehead, then turned to throw her arms around her son and bury her face in his chest. "It's about time you came home," she half-sobbed. "I've missed you."
She said it without a trace of bitterness, but Blue still flinched as if she'd slapped him. A look of shame settled over his face.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to stay away so long."
He could barely look his mother in the eye the whole time we were there.
We spent one night in Tulsa, and this time, it was me sneaking into Blue's room, although I doubted Maria would've cared that we shared a bed. She didn't seem the type to worry about stuff like that.
When we left, Maria hugged Blue so long I thought she wasn't going to let go. When she finally did, she turned to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.
"Take care of him, hon," she whispered in my ear, her voice wavering. "I know something's wrong, but he won't tell me what it is. Just, please, take care of him."
I'd squeezed her hand, promising I would. But now I'm wondering how exactly I go about doing that.
I don't want to pressure Blue into telling his mom the truth. But I don't get why he doesn't like to go home. His mom is so nice.
"I don't go home very often because I can't stand the way my mother looks at me," Blue says, as if he's reading my thoughts. "Like I'm some fucking saint, like I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread."
He swipes his fingers over his eyes. "I know it hurts her," he goes on. "I know she's lonely, in that house all by herself. I know what a shit I am, letting her think she's done something wrong."
It's on the tip of my tongue to suggest again that he just tell her the truth. But I don't want to say it. I don't want to start a fight about it.
Blue pounds the steering wheel with his fist. "I know I need to stop being such a chickenshit and tell her the truth," he says. "I just...she's the last person on earth I wanted to disappoint. She's been through so much already. I can't stand to let her down."
"Oh, Blue," I say. "The woman I just met, there's no way that woman will ever stop loving you. There's no way she'd ever not be proud of you." I curl my fingers through his and add, "No. Way."
I'm wondering whether to say more when my phone buzzes. I pull it out of my purse and stare at the notification of a text from Megz. It's the first time I've heard from her since I let her know my grandmother refused to get the shoplifting charges dropped.
I open the text. Hey Kee. Just me, your friend who's a total bitch but hopes you'll forgive her. We'll be back at the house tonight and then H is gonna drive me back to OU tomorrow. OK if we talk when I get there?
She's added a bunch of praying hands and pleading emojis. I can't help feeling relieved to hear from her. It was terrible to think my friendship with Megz might be over.
It surprised the hell out of me when I found out from Hunter that Megz was going home with him for Thanksgiving. I'd started to ask if she'd like to come to the ranch for the holiday like she'd done in years past, but then I decided it would just be too awkward. Virginia would probably have the ranch hands throw her off the property.
"Everything okay?" Blue asks.
"I think so," I respond with a sigh. "It's Megz. She's spending the night at the house tonight, and she wants to talk. I assume it's about the shoplifting stuff."
Blue glances away from the road for a second, his face full of concern. "She shouldn't be putting this kind of pressure on you," he mutters. "This is her mess to figure out."
"Yeah, I know. But I'd like to help her if I can." I stare out the window, letting the lyrics of All Too Well wash over me. "It's so weird that Megz went home with Hunter for Thanksgiving. I didn't know they even stayed in touch after the Halloween party."
Blue nods in agreement, his smile melting into a smirk. "Another thing I did not see coming," he says.
I consider unbuckling my seatbelt and covering the side of his face in kisses. But that probably wouldn't be safe.
We stay mostly silent the rest of the way back to the house.
Blue pulls into the gravel driveway and shuts off the car, letting out a long sigh before he turns to me and draws a thumb across my lower lip.
"Fuck, would I love to take you to bed right now," he says "But I've got a virtual violin lesson in 10 minutes. And I have a Music in Society exam tomorrow morning I haven't even done the reading for."
"Oh, Blue."
He grins as I unbuckle my seatbelt and shake a motherly finger at him. "I didn't know you played the violin."
"I'm a total beginner," he says with a shrug, pushing open the driver's side door. "Just needed another instrument and thought I'd give it a try. I pretty much suck at it, though."
He pulls me hard against him when we reach the front porch. "I am so tempted to blow it all off," he playfully growls in my ear as I feel his hand slide around to my ass.
"Oh no you don't." I steer him through the front door, giving him a little shove toward his bedroom. "You get in there and get to work."
Max races into the living room and rears up excitedly, first on Blue, then on me, and then back to Blue. Then he starts running circles around us.
"Aw, look how happy he is to see us," I coo. I'm happy to see him too and not just because I've come to love the dog.
Max being home and Buick's truck not being parked out front means he's already dropped Kendra off and headed back to the ranch. So at least I won't have to spend any more time watching him and my prickly roommate moon over each other.
Blue stops at the entrance to his bedroom and turns back to me with a plaintive look on his face.
"Get in there!" I order, trying to look menacing. "I'll see you when you're done."
I run up the stairs, thinking I should straighten up my room a bit, pull out the air mattress Megz brought with her the last time she stayed over. I have no idea if she plans to stay in my room or with Hunter.
It bothers me she didn't say anything about her and Hunter being...something. I mean, if she's going home with him for Thanksgiving, they at least have to be friends, right? But she's never even mentioned him since Halloween.
It just adds to my sense that things have changed between us. The whole shoplifting thing put a chilly distance between us, and even though she seems to have accepted Virginia's refusal to help pretty well, it makes me uneasy.
Slumping into my bed with a heavy sigh, I pull my journal out from its hiding place under my bed.
I didn't take the journal to the ranch. I didn't want to worry about the housekeeper—or worse, my grandmother—finding it. And I decided it was time to stop holding myself to a rule I created when I was frickin' 14. Writing in the journal could wait until I got back after Thanksgiving.
Now though, I'm anxious to get everything from the last few days in there.
I unhook the pen from the top and start writing, describing all that's happened: Thanksgiving Day, my meeting with Virginia, the ride to the cabin and my fight with Blue, our trip to Tulsa, the whole weird Kendra-Buick situation. It takes a while, and my hand is starting to ache by the time I finish.
Then I flip back through the entries for last few months, noticing how my tone starts to change after I met Blue. After I started to fall in love with him.
A silly little tear spills down my cheek, and I wipe it away with a chuckle. "Oh, man, I've got it bad," I mutter, slowly turning the pages, experiencing again some of the roller coaster emotions I've had since the day I moved into this house.
Reading all the details of what Blue went through in Afghanistan—what he's still going through—makes my stomach clench into knots.
I have to find a way to help him.
Sticking the pen into the journal and hopping off the bed with a sigh, I grab the towel off the back of the door and head into the bathroom. I'm feeling achy and just kind of off, and I'm hoping I'm not coming down with something.
That's the last thing I need. Maybe a shower will do me good.
And after the shower, maybe Blue will be done with his stuff, and he will wrap me in his arms and hold me all night long. That will definitely make me feel better.
I let the hot water stream over me so long I'm surprised Kendra isn't screaming at me to get out. I think at one point I hear footsteps in the hall, but nobody pounds on the bathroom door.
As I'm drying off, I think again about the Fitzgerald quote. I want to add it to today's journal entry.
Being a hero always comes at a cost. I think that's what the quote means. That's certainly been true for Blue.
Combing back my wet hair with my fingers, I wrap the towel around my body and pick my clothes off the floor. When I step into the hall, I pull up short for a second, surprised that my bedroom door is closed.
Did I close it before I showered?
I push open the door. Megz is sitting on my bed. My journal is open and face down on the bed next to her.
Is that how I left it?
"Hey," I say, smiling uncertainly at her. "You're back."
It takes her a moment to look up at me, and when she does, her eyes are cold and accusing.
"Hey...buddy," she says sarcastically.
"Um...how was it at Hunter's?"
I hang up my towel and hastily slide into my robe, feeling uncomfortable. It's not like Megz has never seen me naked before. I've changed in front of her plenty of times.
But the look on her face now is freaking me out. Something is wrong.
"Oh," she smirks, flicking her fingers in a gesture of dismissal, "it was pretty weird. All of his family is pretty fucking weird. Like totally mental. No wonder Hunter has issues." Her voice is oddly flat, with a sharp, angry edge to it.
I wait for her to ask about my Thanksgiving. But she says nothing, just keeps giving me this odd look.
After a moment, I sit next to her on the bed and try to coax a smile out of her. "So I'm really sorry about Virginia," I say. "I did try my best to get her to help you. I really did."
She's still got that skeptical, almost sneering expression on her face. I pick up one of her hands and hold it between mine.
"But I'm not giving up, Megz," I go on. "We'll figure something out. It'll be okay. I promise you that."
My other hand is itching to pull the journal toward me, away from her.
I'm sure now that I did not leave it like that when I went to take a shower. I closed it and left it next to my pillow. And now it's been moved.
Did Megz read it?
She's staring hard at me. Then her face softens, and for a moment, she looks so sad that I can feel the prick of tears in my eyes.
But just as quickly, her expression gets stony again, and she gives me a contemptuous glare.
What the hell is going on?
Unable to stand it any longer, I slide my hand toward the journal. But Megz snatches it away.
"Somehow, KeeKee" she says, dangling the journal in front of me as my mouth falls open in shock, "I think that nasty old bitch is going to change her mind about helping me."
~~~
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