Blue
“Shit.”
I lean against my bedroom door and squeeze my eyes shut, tapping the back of my head against the wood.
Like that’s going to help.
My vision is a little wobbly. The walls of my room appear to be on the move, as if they’re literally closing in on me.
“Goddamn it,” I mutter, slapping the door with my open hand. “Get it together.”
Shoving myself away from the door and clasping the back of my head with both hands, I start walking in a circle between the desk and the bed, cringing as I think about the look on Keegan’s face when I walked out of her bedroom.
I was pretty shocked to see her and Megz trying to beat the shit out of each other. To quote Hunter, I figured it was just some chick drama they’d eventually work out.
But then Megz called me “soldier boy.” And she made that gloating comment about Keegan writing “absolutely everything” in her journal.
I saw how Keegan reacted; I saw the fear and dread in her eyes. And then I knew.
I knew Megz knew about Afghanistan. About what I did over there. I knew she’d read it in Keegan’s journal.
I’ve seen Keegan writing in that journal a dozen or more times. I’ve only commented on it once, after she blushingly tried to hide what she was doing.
I wanted her to know that I understood. That I got that writing for her was like making music is for me. It’s how she expresses who she really is. It’s what she pours herself into. A lifeline. And a safety valve.
Of course she wrote about Afghanistan, about Azila and the guys, my brothers-in-arms. About what I did over there, what I did to them. About all the heavy, sickening shit I have selfishly unloaded on her.
Still, when I realized Megz knew and most likely would tell other people, I panicked. I got the same elephant-on-the-chest sensation that I walked around with for months after The Buffalo blew up. It felt like I couldn’t get a decent breath, couldn’t think straight.
Even though Keegan practically begged me to stay and talk to her, all I could manage was to turn around and walk out. I could not bring myself to talk to her then.
Now, I feel like a Grade-A asshole.
Max whines from the bed, and I stop, staring at the dog without really seeing him.
There’s a soft knock at the door. I’m there in two long strides, yanking it open. The sight of tears streaking down Keegan’s cheeks just about breaks my heart. I feel her trembling as I pull her into my arms.
She buries her face in my chest. “Blue, I’m so sorry.” Her voice is muffled. “Megz knows about...about Afghanistan.”
“Yeah,” I say, kissing the top of her head. “I figured that. It’s okay.”
“You don’t understand. She—”
“It’s me that should be apologizing to you,” I cut her off, folding my arms over her. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
She raises her face again, and I kiss her. “I don’t know what happened exactly,” I go on, “but I do know that. None of this is your fault.”
Keegan’s eyes cloud over. She pulls away from me, shaking her head, her jaw set, her eyes hardening.
“She read my journal while I was in the shower, Blue, ” she says as I nod. “I left it on the bed, right out in the open, and she came in there while I was...” Her eyes drop. “...she read all about...what happened over there. All the things you told me. I wrote it all down.”
Her voice drops to a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” I repeat, shrugging, trying to ignore the way my heart is racing. “Okay. So Megz knows. So what?”
Keegan sweeps her hair into a ponytail, pulling it tight enough to make her wince.
“And she’s trying to blackmail me with it, Blue,” she adds, squeezing her eyes shut like she can’t bear to see my reaction. “She’s says if Virginia doesn’t get the shoplifting charges dropped, she’ll tell the world what...what you did.”
“Jesus Christ!” I burst out, spinning toward the bed and wondering, not for the first time, how Megz and Keegan ever became friends. “That crazy, conniving bitch.”
I’m flexing my fingers, squeezing them into fists and then shoving them in and out of my pockets. It’s taking everying in me not to punch a hole in the wall.
The thought of people finding out what I did leaves me nauseous. Not just people in general, but specific people—my mother and Bryson and, worst of all, the families of Cunny, Monti and Hud.
My mouth has gone so dry it feels like I haven’t had a sip of water in days.
Keegan wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me, and I close my eyes, weak-kneed at her touch.
“I’m leaving early in the morning to go to Oklahoma City,” she says. “Virginia will be in her office, and I have to talk to her. I have to convince her to get the charges dropped.”
I pull back, shaking my head adamantly and crossing my arms. “No. No. You can’t be serious about going along with this. I can’t let you do that.”
Keegan is nodding her head just as adamantly. “Blue, I have to. We have to.”
She cradles my face in her hands. “I can’t let Megz do this. I can’t let my stupidity be the reason that people find out that...that...”
“That I’m a coward. And a liar.” I finish the sentence for her, the words literally making me sick to my stomach. “And that I got three good men killed.”
I peel away from her and slump down on the bed next to Max.
He rests his head on my shoulder, leaning into me like he knows I need to be comforted. And I bury my face in his fur, hiding the ridiculous tears that I can’t hold back any longer.
I feel the bed move as Keegan sits on the other side of Max. She reaches over to run a soothing hand down my back.
“Blue,” she says softly, tentatively.
I don’t respond, just keep my face buried in the dog’s coarse black fur. I can feel a couple of tears sliding down my face.
That’s it, son. Cry like a little girl.
The last thing I need right now is to have my old man’s face flash before my eyes, along with the harsh words I can hear as if he’s saying them to me now instead of when I was a kid. Before I learned to hide all my emotions from him.
Finally, I sit up straight and run my fingers down my face. Then I look over at the girl who deserves so much better than me.
“You’re going to tell your grandma what I did?” I hate the wobble I can hear in my voice.
Keegan nods slowly, her sympathetic gaze somehow making me feel even worse.
“I have to, Blue. There’s no way she’ll do it if I don’t.” She swallows hard and grasps my hand. “I’m sorry.”
I look down, weaving my fingers through Keegan’s and then kissing the back of her hand. She gives me a faint smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. The deep frown line between her eyebrows makes me almost start crying again.
Max sighs heavily, inching his way into my lap as if he can actually fit. I smile, running my hand down his back.
“Such a good boy,” I murmur.
A hitch in Keegan’s breathing makes me look up in time to see her eyes brim with tears.
“Keegan. God, come here,” I say, inching up on the bed so I can pull her against me. She buries her face in my neck, like she’s done so many times before.
“How could I have been so blind, Blue?” she says. “How could I have not seen what she is?”
It takes me a second to realize she’s talking about Megz. I tighten my arms around her as she raises her face to look into mine.
“Was she ever really my friend? Was it all just fake? Why would she do this?”
“Because she’s a bad person,” I respond, brushing my thumbs across her wet cheeks and recognizing, a moment too late, how hypocritical it is for me to call anyone else a bad person.
But fuck it. That bitch broke my Keegan’s heart. She is a bad person.
After a few more moments, Keegan gets off the bed, dragging a knuckle under both of her eyes.
“That’s the last time I ever cry over Megz,” she says resolutely, letting out a long breath. Then she reaches out to fluff the hair on the top of my head.
“I’m going to go get ready for bed,” she says, “and I’ll be back. All I want to do is curl up with you and get some sleep.”
She takes another deep breath.
“I need to be at the Capitol by 7 in the morning. Virginia is always there early on Mondays. I need to get to her before she gets busy with politician stuff. Besides, that’s where she’s got the lawyers that’ll draw up an agreement for Megz to sign.”
“Won’t you miss classes and work?” I ask.
She shrugs. “It can’t be helped. I’ll text Jason in the morning, tell him I’m sick or something. I can make up the class work. It’s fine.”
“Keegan...”
“Seriously, Blue. It’s no big deal.”
Then she adds, with a smirk. “Megz has no idea who she’s going to be dealing with. She wants the charges dropped, she’s going to have to sign an NDA that’ll make sure she never even thinks about opening her mouth about you. And Virginia’s pitbull lawyers will be watching her every move.”
I wince at the way I’m now an issue, something distasteful that people have to sign shit promising never to talk about, that pitbull lawyers have to be brought in to deal with.
But that’s what it’s come to.
I get off the bed and give Keegan a light kiss. “Okay. I’ll take Max out and see you here in a few.”
I snap my fingers at the dog and then turn toward the door. Keegan grabs my hand before I can leave, holding it against her cheek for a second and giving me a soft smile.
“I wish there was another way, Blue.”
She probably sees the shame I cannot hide all over my face.
“But there’s no other solution,” she goes on. “We have to do this.”
She’s wrong, though.
There is an obvious solution. And it’s staring me in the face.
~~
Thanks for reading Tangled Up in Blue! What do you think so far? I'd love to have your comments. And hey, please share this story! :) CH
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