Cross and I finished washing the dishes. We would have talked there but didn't want anyone to overhear us. It's already a sour topic, no need to make it even more.
Once we get in his room, he shuts the door and opens the curtains, letting in tons of sunlight. With the light shining around the room, I can take in his space more. It looks different than when I was last here, I was a bit tipsy on beer so it could have looked grand.
He's got a futon against the wall, a bed on the other with a dresser and lockbox on the floor. By his window sat his gaming desk and chair.
"I didn't know you played video games," I say, sitting on the edge of his bed.
I watched as he threw his dirty clothes in the hamper, and pushed his shoes under the bed. "I play them every now and then, but recently, not so much."
"Why not?"
"I have homework to do, and studying."
"What's your major?"
"Undecided."
"Undecided?"
"Yeah, I don't know what I want to do." He falls on the bed beside me, playing with the loose curl falling down my back.
"But you're a junior."
"I know. It's just. . .I came to college because it was the next thing to do. Growing up I never had lots of passions, except for one though."
I crane my neck around to look at him, his eyes are closed and lips are parted. He looks so peaceful, the sun shining on his chiseled face. "And what is that?"
"You'll laugh at me."
"Are you fucking serious! I came here in the dead of night, bawled my eyes out to you, and I'm sure by the end of said night I looked like a red tomato. So, if I can be vulnerable in front of you, then you can be truthful with me." I scoot back on the bed, hiking my legs up to my chest.
He sighs, "Fine, I want to be a... Marine Biologist."
I'm silent for a moment, taking in what he just said, "A Marine Biologist? It's. . . different. You want to like- what- train dolphins or something. Maybe work at Sea World?"
He laughs, "No. I want to study the animals under the sea. Take care of them, cure them. I've been taking a course this semester, it was for an elective, but it has warped my mind. I want to be a Marine Biologist, what do you think." My curl is laid abandoned against my back.
I grin, "I think it's the coolest fucking job ever."
I swear I see him blush, "Me too. Now, enough about me, let's talk about what happened with you and Andreas Chen."
My eyes widen, "I never told you it was An-"
"You didn't have to tell me; I saw the way you two looked at each other at the science building. It's hard to ignore the way his eyes raked over your body. What did he do?"
"How do you know he did something, it could have been me."
He sits up on his elbows, "I know it wasn't you, you might be a bit rude, but I know for a fact you would never hurt the person you love, and I'm assuming you love him."
I reluctantly nod my head.
"So, what did he do. Enlighten me, Eliza."
I explain the story, "I don't know, he just changed overnight. One night I remember us in the kitchen, making a chicken pot pie, we were laughing and I told him something I'd hadn't been able to tell anyone in years. Then, he just changed. At Doug's match, he told me he didn't want me anymore, that he was using me for sex. I knew that- that's what we were doing at first, trying to play around with each other, and in the beginning, I believed all he wanted was sex, but then his conduct changed. We kept a scoreboard at first, we were tied, but after a while, we just stopped."
"Why?"
I look Cross in the eyes, "Because he wasn't a game anymore, he was real. What we had was real, or what I thought, I guess." I start to play with the lint on my socks.
"Do you think that he loves you?"
"I know he does."
"Has he said it?"
"Not in words, no, but in his actions yes. I've had sex with guys, I have kissed guys, but none of them I've been head over heels for."
He looks amused, "Not until Andreas Chen."
"Not until Andreas Chen. I know he loves me, it's in the way he smiles at me, touches me makes love to me. It isn't like anything I've ever felt before, experienced before."
"Then why did he let you go?"
"Because he's afraid."
"Of what?"
"Of being hurt." I look out his window at the trees, the birds chirp on the branches, I see students walking down below. "He thinks that if he loves again, he will be hurt, just like what Jessie did to him." Cross looks confused, "Jessie was his girlfriend from high school, she did something irredeemable and in return, it let him broken. He's sworn off women, he would rather fuck girls than date one. For a point in time, I was the exception. Then I guess things got too serious, went to clear and he ran. I knew he didn't want to, but fear is a powerful emotion, trust me I know. Well, it's all over now because I'm moving out and I never have to see him again."
"You got a dorm room?"
"Yeah, the housing department called me yesterday. I'll be moving out on Monday."
"Damn. I'll have to get you a housewarming present, how about some party favors."
I chuckle, "No, you can keep those for yourself. A plant, maybe."
"Then a plant you shall have, my dear Eliza." He kisses my hand like a classy gentleman.
We spend the rest of the day in his room, him talking to me about whales and dolphins and the corruption of Sea World. He knows so much; I didn't know a person could hold so much information about marine life.
As he rambled on, I thought of something.
How different my life would have been if I stayed in this room with Cross and didn't go home to meet Andreas.
How different...
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