She starts, "I want you to know that I didn't do this to hurt you, it just kind of happened. When I started dating you, it was pure bliss. I'm talking I would wake up in the morning and I swear I heard the birds chirping and the wind singing, it was crazy. Being with you, I felt on top of the world and I never in life regret being with you. As our relationship flourished so did we. We spend all day every day together, whether we were at your house or mine or making out in the abandoned building behind the school."
"Somewhere in between, James started hanging out with us. I didn't mind it, most girls would hate it, but he was good company and I knew how much he meant to you. In the middle of senior year is when everything changed. You got more into football, working morning, noon, and night. Whether that be in the gym or playing away games. I was ok with that; you were striving for a football scholarship and I knew how hard it was to get one and how hard you had to work for it."
"Then something happened. As we got more into senior year, you started to change drastically. Telling me you couldn't hang out because you had extra practice or tutoring with your tutor. At one point, I didn't see you for twelve days straight, and I don't think you noticed I wasn't around. You didn't just abandon me; James also was left out. We spent time together more. It was small at first, we would go to the movies or hang out at the park or diner. As we got closer, we started going over to each other's house. He even was my date for my sister's birthday party, since you had to study that day."
"On that night of the party, we had too much to drink and found ourselves stumbling out the venue, laying in the field and watching the stars. One minute we were talking about how much we missed you and the next he was kissing me. I pulled away from him and ran back into the venue. I didn't know what to make of it, I ignored him for days. He cornered me at school, telling me that he was sorry and not to tell you. We made up and began hanging out, ignoring what happened on that night."
"It didn't even matter because it happened again and again and again. Next thing I know we were having sex. I would cry in my bathroom, hating that I was sleeping with him and not you. I tried to tell you that one day you went up against Steward High, but I couldn't get the words out. That's the day you got into Berkeley and found out about potentially having a scholarship. I couldn't wipe that smile from your face. I told James that night what was happening between us couldn't happen again, he then confessed his love for me, telling me how he could treat me better than you did and I deserved a guy that would notice me and love me properly. And he was right. After that, I was, with no guilt, dating James. Somewhere along the lines, which I didn't notice, I fell from him. I fell for his smile, his laugh, his-"
"Ok, we get it. He's got a good smile and is attractive. Just explain to me that night."
She sighs, "He came over to my place, I wasn't expecting him. He told me he missed me and then we started making out and that led to sex. 10 minutes into sex, you walked in the room. I was riding him when you saw us, I was so scared I thought you would attack him, but you didn't. You just stared at us, a blank expression on your face, I had never seen you look so void of emotion. I chased after you, but you were already gone. James told me not to worry, that I would get over it, but you clearly haven't. He told me not to feel guilty about it, but I did."
"I called you and texted you but you never answered. As the months went on, I realized that you were not going to talk to me and I should move on. I did with James. I know you don't want to hear this but I loved him more than you, I was holding on to what we had because it was right, and you were my first love. I didn't want to hurt you. After graduation, I heard that you got a scholarship to UC Berkeley and left town as soon as you could. We moved on with our lives, and what happened between the three of us was forgotten."
I digest her words for a series of minutes. To get the gist, I spent too much time away from her, James moved in like a snake and did something I couldn't do for her, give her attention and love her.
"So, it's all my fault then," I conclude.
She waves her hands around, singling no. "It's not your fault, Andreas. We just drifted apart; it doesn't matter what the cause was, it wasn't working. These things happen for a reason, I don't want you to blame yourself."
"I don't, it's your fault. You went off and fucked my best friend once I wasn't paying attention to you. Who does that!" I asked, enraged.
"I'm not going to sit here and let you shame me; I've already done it myself. I hate myself for hurting you, for making you so angry, and knowing that you harbored this pain for three years!" She gets out of the chair and stands over me. I don't think I've ever seen Jessie Angello so angry and fired up. "I beat myself up over it, I didn't plan on falling for James, I didn't plan for any of this! But guess what Andreas, this is our reality. For the rest of my life, I will regret making you like that, trust me I will. I love you Andreas and I always will damn it!" She ends her speech by stamping her foot on the ground.
I flinch, thinking she may hit me.
"Does James treat you better than I did?" I ask, softly.
She sighs, "You both treated me good, it isn't a contest."
"Does he take good care of you?"
"He does."
"Jess, I forgive you." I look straight into her eyes. "I forgive you for what happened, I don't want to carry around his pain, just as much as you don't. It was years ago; we were young and had different mindsets. We are adults that need to move on."
Her eyes start to water. She slings her arms around me, shaking and sobbing. I feel my tears leak on her shirt.
"Why are you crying?" I asked her.
"You haven't called me Jess in so long, it's nice to hear. Why are you crying?"
"Because, for the first time in a while, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders." She pulls away from me, kissing the tears from my cheeks.
"I want you to be happy again, Andreas."
"So do I."
We spend the next 20 minutes talking about old memories from high school and our plans for the future. I then realize that I left Monica in the car and she might drive my car back to Berkeley and leave me here.
"It was nice seeing you again."
"You too." She hugs me again and I let her. Her sorority sister, Amy, made some cookies and gave me a bag of them.
Before walking to my car, Jessie stops me. "Have you found someone?"
I turn, "I have."
"That's good. I'm sure whoever she is, she's great."
I smile, looking at the sky, "Trust me, she is."
I walked inside her house angry and ready to argue, but I leave it with the weight lifted off my shoulders and vibrato in my heart.
That vibrato is for Elizabeth.
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