To the only person who's keeping me sane—
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You know who you are.
I thought I had pages and pages of words to say. Yet, when I picked up my pencil, my hands shook for about ten minutes and my mind was as blank as the paper sitting in front of me.
Only, now that I think about it, my mind isn’t blank. All of my feelings have plunged so far below because I’ve avoided them for too long. Now I guess I need to find them.
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I’ve always wanted to say I love you. You won’t believe how many times I’ve tried pushing those words down my throat because I knew we’d never happen. Not just because I worried the feeling wasn’t mutual. But because I dreaded something that I avoided telling you about for months — moving.
Eventually, I knew I’d have to leave people just like I always did. But I didn’t mean to get too attached to my home, my current life, and you. So I tried fighting it. Why was I trying to fight the inevitable? I was always moving. I was used to it, used to leaving people behind just like my parents told me to do. But I still feel this blade carving into my chest when your name pops into my mind.
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Enough about that. That’s not why I’m writing this letter.
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That first phone call we had was the moment I knew I was in too deep.
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The way you say my full name with that goofy grin of yours.
The way you attempt to speak Korean just to get a smirk out of me.
The way your hands tremble when you strum your ukulele.
The way you stop yourself immediately after you laugh because you insist that you hate it. If only you knew how irresistable it is.
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Anyway, just know that I already miss you. So much. I wish I could say all of these things to you face-to-face. And one day, maybe I will — when I meet you again. Still holding onto that hope, and I always will.
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After all, Hope is my middle name. Literally.
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And then we can do all those things we talked about. We’d hang out at the beach, rolling in the sand because we barely know how to swim. I’d teach you to play guitar, while you teach me to play the ukulele. We’d create music and stories. Go to the gym or jog under the mellow sun. I’d love to do anything with you.
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Thank you for being in my life. You don’t know how grateful I am that you appeared in my life during my lowest moments. Your family was the family I never had; I still tear up at how truly lucky I am.
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God. If only you knew how many songs I’ve written about you.
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Elegantly yours,
J
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