6:30AM: The urge to smoke is strongest in the morning.
8:00AM: Now that I am a little less sleepy, I can properly outline how good, and bad my nicotine cravings have been. I physically feel a pull from my body for nicotine. I know it is all in my head, but it feels very real. I just want to get through it and skip to the part where I can just ignore the cravings. I am on my period, but feeling too much inertia so I won't be sterilising my cup. I hate pads so much though. They stink.
I have a meeting today that I am not adequately prepared for... which has always been my problem. Never adequately prepared, always playing it safe. I have sneaking suspicion that Katherine dislikes me. She probably doesn't, but my brain loves playing tricks. It just makes going to office so much more difficult.
TO DO:
- Tell Fatima about anxiety that everyone is bitching about you behind your back
- Call Mimi about the posters
- Finish copywriting for Paws & Palms
Instead of procrastinating on scheduling therapy, I will do it right now.
6:00PM: I feel like I don't live intentionally, things just happen (to me) and I go with the flow. It's almost like part of my brain is so exhausted from dealing with life that it would rather just take a backseat when it comes to anything that isn't work. This job has robbed me of my spirit, my will to do anything. Just a few more months.
9:45PM I think my relationship with Adil is not intentional. I like him, but I wouldn't date-date him. We have amazing sex, but that's about it. I wonder if a more engaged, active me would settle for this.
Having a job and BPD is the absolute worst. I feel guilty about pondering over Adil when I have so much work to do. Sigh. It's like, if I don't work, if I dare to have a life, my brain tells me that I am a horrible person. When work is good (which it rarely is these days) I am on top of the world. I am an emotional puppet of my productivity.
I guess that is also why the Adil situation makes me uncomfortable. We meet, we fuck, we talk aimlessly. That's it! Aim. What is the purpose of this acquaintance? Is it just sex? Will it turn into "something serious"?
Okay brain hurts. I will sleep now.
ns 15.158.61.51da2
