(warning for psychological horror and suicide)
"Is everything alright, Jimmy?" Pearla asked. I nodded. I had to go to the lab soon. I hated the lab. I would rather work the most boring day job. But Pearla didn't know about it, and I couldn't tell her. "Why do people...hurt others?" I asked, out of the blue. I had a tendency to do that. She frowned, but her eyes still held curiosity. She always had much to say. "Listen, I think that everyone is good to a certain extent-we're humans, we can't help it." She grinned. "And you're supposed to be the psychologist."
She then sighed. "The only people who hurt others are the bad ones. You just gotta stay away from them. You're already so smart." I looked Pearla in the eyes. She didn't have a clue why I asked. She didn't seem to care. It had been a long night for her last night. She had been waiting for hours for me to get home. I couldn't tell her why besides "Private business." She knew what that meant, but she was in tears when I showed up so late.
I drank out of the mug full of hot coffee I had in my hand, barely savoring a sip, and looked at the crinkled paper. The news started my morning. I looked at the headline: "Local man goes psycho." It was a pretty odd headline, probably designed to get the attention of everyone. I skimmed through the paper. Local sports, a town bar on fire, and the like covered the local paper. Nothing out of the ordinary. I was about to put the paper in the trash when I saw the front headline again. I saw the image. Subject 5033. I couldn't believe it.
I read each word, savoring it. A tear flowed down my cheek. I didn't even know he was let free. I thought he would die in the lab.
It wasn't even his choice. The experiment was involuntary. It was to mold him into another person. He wasn't hostile in the beginning, but by the end, he was a rampaging bull. I looked at Pearla. She had her head on the pillow, still tired from last night. Her gaze turned to me, and she smiled. It filled me with a burst of flame-and terror. I couldn't let anyone hurt her. Especially me.
"Do you ever wanna move?" I asked, out of fear. Pearla gave a delightful frown, a lock of her hair falling over her tired face. "To another country. We could try anywhere. Japan, Italy, you name it." Would they find me there? " I would love to live by the beach, like when we visit it every summer. And I won't be going to Russia or any of the other communist countries. But if it's the current government you're worried about, we'll be fine. This administration will sort itself out. I hope." Pearla was a ray of sunshine. Always. I kept my lips sealed. I didn't care much for the administration. Republican or Democrat, they would both want me working with them, or not working at all.
"Don't you have to go soon?" She asked. I checked the clock on the scarlet red wall. It was. I tried to stand, but I felt myself wanting to sink back into the chair, so I could never go into the lab. I kept thinking about Subject 5033. Why did I do it? I wondered. Subject 5033 was young. He had a family. Maybe, he even wanted one of his own. Like I do. He was robbed of his future.
I sighed, trying to get those thoughts out of my head. I sat up, got dressed in my lab uniform, kissed Pearla goodbye, and headed off.
The drive was short. I arrived at the lab, a pristine white building with no windows. It was hidden in the forests, with a rocky, unpaved road leading the way to it. The guards let me in, and I went up to the second floor to meet Dr. Payne.
He was well dressed today. He always got enough sleep, despite what he did. His hair was balding, his shoes were untied, and he gave me a pleasant smile. He was still looking at the live camera footage of the subjects. "This won't take long. I'll let you go soon." He was still grinning.
We walked forward, and I started to hear it. Them. I started to realize why I hated going here so much again, the realization hitting me like a train. But I couldn't leave now. "What do I have to do today? Should I feed them, and check on them like normal?" I asked Dr. Payne. His thick eyebrow raised. "Sure. Check on subject 4709." My mouth dropped. "With all due respect, she's been there for 90 days-"
"Does it matter for you? You do as I say. Minds are mendable." His penetrating oak brown eyes looked straight into mine. "Do you understand?" He asked again, his voice louder. I took a breath and nodded, and walked down the hallway, the noise getting louder. The screaming. I didn't want to move. The long hallway's narrow white walls and black tile floor made me feel like I was trapped. I opened the door to Subject 4709.
She was locked to a chair, in a dark room with only one light. It was a small room. In front of her, was a cassette player, saying the same thing over and over again. The goal was to mend the mind. She wouldn't be her former self, but someone else-someone of our choosing. It played constantly. She had nothing to do but sit and listen.
When I opened the door, she was screaming, trying to break out of the chair. Then, she saw me. Her screaming stopped. A tear streaked down her rosy cheek, her blonde hair growing strands of gray in it. "Just let me die." She said, her voice weak. I observed her. She was crying and screaming, which was common for subjects at the facility. Dr. Payne wasn't bothered by it, however, and insisted that the tests must continue. Suicidal tendency was something she had been showing for the past month, and she continued to show it. However, it was odd for her to stop screaming when I came in. I quickly made a mental note of all those details, as the cassette player still spewing the same words in the same voice.
"Julia-" I said, and she started screaming again, flaring with unbridled anger and trying to get out of her chair. Julia was the name the cassette player said she had. Her original name, before she came, was Alexa.
I shut the door. Tears swelled down my cheeks. I remembered the moment I had been offered the job. The moment I had said yes. I thought it meant I was extraordinary, not a monster. I hadn't created the process, but I took part in it. I sighed, wiping the tears away. I had to do my job, otherwise who knows what would happen.
I opened the door as slowly as an ant, peering through. The screaming had stopped. Julia looked me in the eyes, not even bothering to pay attention to the tray of food I held in my hand. I went in and quickly turned off the cassette player.
But Julia seemed to have curiosity in her eyes. "I've seen you before." She twisted her head sideways. I frowned. "Why are you the masters now, when before, you were as corrupted as I? Why, is this a cruel joke?"
"I-I have no idea what you're talking about." I stuttered. Julia is showing signs of psychosis. But she hasn't before. "Listen, Alexa-I've been working here for the past few months. That's all you need to know." Alexa gave a wicked smile. "The name's correct. But I can tell you want to know more. Free me, for once, and I'll tell you what I've seen here."
I sighed. She's never been manipulative before. "On the contrary, I'll be quite happy closing the door." That's what I did, but I opened it again. Alexa's blue eyes stared right into mine. They scraped the deepest pockets of my soul. "You still need your food." I exclaimed, trying to find an excuse to come back in.
"Minds are mendable." She said. I gave her a confused look. "That's what you kept saying, over and over and over again. Then, you were gone. I've seen you a few times, I'm sure, but I never put two and two together. You look...different." I frowned. "Dr. Payne says that expression often. But I don't believe it. Minds aren't clay-it's a structure, that's built brick by brick. Some bad bricks are taken off, some are put into different spots, but 'mendable' is an expression that I believe doesn't define that experience."
I put the food on her lap. I tried to stick a piece of pasta into her mouth, but she refused. "Don't. I won't eat or drink." She gave a heavy sigh, yet another tear escaping her eye. "My name is Alexa Minner. I have a boyfriend and a daughter who I love desperately. But I don't think I'll ever see them again. I don't think they would want to see me again, after what I've become. I have two parents who I disappointed, and one grandma who always gave me a certain number of chocolates depending on how old I turned for my birthday. I work as a clerk in a grocery store. I'm not the lie they try to feed me. They'll never get into here." She put her head upright again. "At least your the only person who will ever listen to me, for the last days of my life."
Suddenly, the door was slammed shut. "Jimmy, oh Jimmy." Dr. Payne. I jumped. Slowly, I faced him. He gave a sad smile, the one a father would give. What have I done.
"Speaking to subjects in this manner is forbidden. Secret information, false identities? Jimmy, you've screwed up your job." I gulped. I couldn't look him in the eyes.
Secret information. So what she said was right. My eyes widened. "Was I ever here as a subject?" Dr. Payne grew quiet. My mouth dropped, my breathing getting louder. My heart rate grew faster, and the world felt heavier. I thought about last night. Pearla had been deeply upset. Maybe I was gone for longer. "Last night-it was the first night you had let me go. That's why Pearla was crying." But it can't be. Minds aren't mendable. I can't go from one person to another. I was always Jimmy.
Dr. Payne looked like he was almost grinning, even though I was seeing in the dark. "Your name is Pearla. You're a gentle housewife, who's brimming with positivity. You have a mother named Roberta but you don't like her that much. You and your husband have been married for 4 years. You plan on having children soon. You work as a housewife, and in your free time you love to read the latest fashion trend or magazine. You like to dye your hair red and keep it short." I started to scream, my body not knowing what to do next, and how to vent my reaction to the sheer madness I was hearing. My mind thought of Pearla. Her smile was real. Her laugh was real. The joy we had together was real. "Pearla is real, you son of a-"
"Your name is Jimmy. You're a passionate psychologist and you hope that your aspiring career gets you the best job in your field. You have a burning passion to understand the mind. You like to wear plain clothes and keep your hair combed. You are close with your mother, and your father died only a month after you got married. He was a veteran in the second world war and taught you a lot of important lessons that a man ought to know." Dr. Payne was smiling now, the shadows in his face growing darker. "Let's hope it works this time."
"The mind isn't mendable-" I stuttered to express myself. I must be dreaming. This can't be real. "The building blocks, they control who you are-"
Dr. Payne laughed. "How many blocks can we move, or take away? Who knows, all those weird quirks you have might be from your formal self. Gee, I wonder why you want to name your future son Oliver so much." I couldn't move. My mind couldn't think. I felt the world drifting away. The last thing I saw was Dr. Payne's fist coming at my face.
I woke up, my body tied to a chair in a dark room. A man with thinning hair and brown eyes stared at me. Next to him, was a woman with blonde and gray stringy hair.
"Where am I?" I asked. "Shh." The woman objected. I frowned. "Who are you?" The question came out of my mouth without me wanting to speak. "Julia." She gave a smiled. Why am I here? Where was I before? And another one, that I couldn't quite recognize: Where is Pearla? I looked at my chair and the room around me. It was clean, but my plastic chair was full of scratch marks which seemed vaguely familiar. The whole place felt familiar.
I watched as they turned on a cassette and left the room. A male voice spoke. When it ended, it started again. I tried to move. Believe me, I did. I tried to imagine a rainbow and distant planets and even the beach, which I had fond memories of. I had been with...someone.
The voice never stopped. The questions never stopped. I was left alone, my mind desolate. The people who once occupied my mind started to disappear, and I was left alone with the voice. I couldn't help but do the one thing I wanted to do in that moment, and all moments: scream. I screamed, and screamed, and screamed. The screaming never stopped. The voices never stopped. The pain...had just begun.
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This was partially inspired by project MK Ultra by the CIA and all the other horrific human experiments they ran. I won't get into detail since it's such a heavy topic, but if your willing to look into it more I suggest looking into wikepedia and what History.com created.
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