(Violet's POV)
My room seems infinitely dark at night, like the sun sucks every last color from the world as it sets. When I'm alone in the darkness, it feels like nothing else can reach me. I know my therapist recommended that I stop doing this, but old habits die hard I guess. The thought of Azaelea slides through my mind, lingering at the tip of my tongue. I lick my lips and try to push her away. What if I fall too hard for her and she doesn't feel the same? When I think of what happened earlier...
I sigh and run my hands through my hair. It was so not necessary to move next to a cute girl with purple hair. I mean, she threw a blanket over me when I fell asleep on the couch. Who does that? She says she wants to introduce me to something special this weekend, and I'm so curious as to what it could be, but she refuses to spill the beans. Every time I ask she says it's something about "the magic of the journey" and pokes me in the nose.
Ever since I caught Alex and Maya kissing, things haven't been the same between us. And I mean that about both of them. Alex and I have hardly talked to each other lately, save for the small nods when I pass through his window on the way to visit his sister. Actually, thinking about it, where does he go in to visit Maya? I'm constantly hopping in through his window while he's awake, but I never see him come through mine. Maybe he just waits until I'm in the bathroom or something. Wait a minute, what if he doesn't want me to know how often he comes over here?! Ugh, why do boys have to be so potentially complicated?
Unfortunately, tonight there is no Azaelea to swing through my window and distract me from my thoughts. Actually, there usually isn't. I feel so guilty knowing that my friends think I'm all better, when in reality I haven't been this down in months. Most of the time, it feels like I'm at the bottom of the food chain, like I'm just sludge trying to scrape myself up and down these hallways. I've tried to open up to my therapist, but I feel like if I really reveal how I feel, they'll tattle straight to my parents. My moms are understanding enough, but as far as I know they've always been especially resilient women. They'd probably be disappointed to learn how much I'm struggling.
I don't know if Azaelea has noticed that I've lost weight, but I hope she hasn't. She already tells me all the time how I'm just skin and bones, and that her chef Jacques would put some meat on my bones if I would let him. I don't really know how to share with her that I really hate how I look in the mirror. It's been like this for most of my life, I mean I'm not even sure I know how to live a life of being happy with myself.
I fall backwards onto my bed and just lay there for a minute. I don't even care that it's almost 3am and I have school tomorrow. I know I'll be exhausted, but I already sleep in most of my classes now anyways. I've even checked out of art class, which used to be my favorite. I've made a few pieces since I've been in my slump, but I find myself opting for darker colors now, whereas I used to pick only the most vibrant. I'm still reading, but barely. I feel dreadfully bored most of the time, but I can't bring myself to do anything other than lay in bed and nap or daydream.
The rest of the week, I turn into a ghost. I go to all my classes but it feels like I'm barely there, like I'm just floating through the hallways. Azaelea keeps a worried look on her face, but she hasn't said anything. Alex texts me at night, telling me he's worried about me and that Azaelea has been dying to visit. I put stronger locks on a few days ago, and evidently they go beyond her lock picking expertise. Part of me feels guilty about buying the locks, but the rest of me just wants to be left alone. I'll see her for whatever this 'surprise' is tomorrow, that counts for something I guess. I don't want to lose her, but I just have this nagging feeling like I'm not good enough for her. I hate the fact that I can't escape my own thoughts. I shut my eyes tightly and think of my favorite books until the hands of sleep coax me into my bleak subconscious.
(A/N): Hi guys, it's Ellis! I know this is kinda short, but I have way more that's going to make its way to a new chapter soon, I promise. I went back and did some minor edits on the previous chapters, mostly just choosing better vocabulary and fixing tense changes, so the story of Violet and Azaelea now reads smoother than ever! The story line does get a bit dark for a bit after this though, so if you're sensitive about eating disorders, depression/anxiety, and poor coping mechanisms I would recommend skipping the next few chapters (:
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