Still holding my chest, I went down to Rettle's workshop where also happened to be our shooting range. A tall lean figure was standing next to the shooting stand.
"Hi, Geek! So you are going to be my teacher today?"
Geek turned around, a gun gleamed in his hand.
"Hi. Yes, it's me."
"No offense, but why you?"
"Because I'm the best shooter in the Order. Rettle is in charge of martial arts, Stoker – picking locks, Mike – hacking tricks, and my thing is shooting."
"Again, no offense, but I thought Rettle is the best in terms of all combat skills, be it hand-to-hand fighting or weapons handling."
"Rettle prefers melee weapons. He is an excellent shooter but he's neglecting practice, favoring sword exercises. And to be honest, paladins don't use firearms that often anyway."
"Why? Nothing can beat the gun."
"Tell that to Rettle – he'll give you a five-hour-long lecture about the situations where melee weapons would be much more efficient than any gun. But on the whole, firearms are simply less suited for our business. Even from an economical standpoint. One silver bullet for this gun…,” Geek put his Beretta on the stand, “costs around five bucks. But most importantly, according to Rettle, a gun gives you a false sense of security."
"I see. So you are also a paladin? Bessie said there are only four of them – Mike, Rettle, Stoker, and Lumberjack."
"I'm a backup paladin."
"What's that?"
Geek's face made it clear that he didn’t like the topic much but I couldn't make out why.
"I passed all the paladin entry exams but I never went on a real mission."
"Why?"
Geek turned away, leaned against the stand and stroked the barrel of the gun tenderly as if it were a living creature in need of love and care.
"Because I'm a coward."
This unexpected answer took me aback. I didn't know how to respond to that, so we fell into an uncomfortable silence.
"You see, Sam, not all vampires and not even all Night Guardians are the knights without fear and beyond reproach. We are still humans, and we are subject to all human weaknesses. For example, I'm a coward."
Stumbling over the words, I finally came up with a reply, "You know, I've never heard a confession like this in my life. I'd say it alone takes courage."
Geek turned his head to look at me and gave me a smile, both friendly and sad.
"It's not courage, I’m merely stating a fact. I made my peace with it a long time ago."
"But how… How did you realize you are a coward? Sorry if I'm out of line. But I was scared of many things in my life and I struggled with making certain decisions yet I don't feel like a coward. I just wouldn't go as far as calling myself fearless, but that's it. You think you might be underestimating yourself?"
"I was a shy, timid and cowardly boy since an early age. I was afraid of bullies at school and of getting a bad grade, of being late to classes, of talking to a girl and of many other things. But I’ve always hoped that when I grow up, I'll learn how to fight and become this strong, brave, grown-up person. Only turned out that strength and courage are different things. Courage is like the gift of a writer – either you have it or not. You can scribble a billion pages full of words, but they won't turn into a good book if you don’t have at least a grain of talent for writing. Same goes for courage. I can do this…"
With an incredible speed, noticed previously only in Rettle, Geek grabbed the gun and fired three shots one after another. He was standing at an angle to the targets and staring me in the eye while shooting. After he finished – and the whole thing seemed to have taken less than a second – each of the silhouettes had a new hole in the head.
"…but this won't give me even a modicum of courage," he finished.
I started applauding.
"That… That was un-freaking-believable!"
"It's nothing but long hours of practice. Well, maybe also a certain knack for shooting."
"But if you are as good as goddamn Deadshot, what on earth can possibly scare you? You can shoot down an entire army!"
Geek smiled sadly once again.
"You know, when I was doing my paladin training with Rettle… Did you get a taste of his traps yet?"
My hand, once again, went for my bruised chest. The coach didn't lie – the pain had significantly subsided.
"Yeah. Just five minutes ago I was shot in my chest with a grenade launcher because I forgot about that thing with an open gate."
"Yes, exactly. That's what I'm talking about. When Rettle pulled his first test on me, I got so scared I threw up right onto his shoes."
I couldn't help but smile.
"Right. Stoker laughed his ass off too. Later, it became somewhat better – despite his traps being unexpected and very diverse, I always knew they were coming from the coach, and not some serial killer. But each time I'd get scared to the point where I could easily forget how to breathe. To be honest, I still have no idea how I managed to pass all those paladin exams. But although I became a paladin, all those tests and the sheer horror I felt each time… You know, it's like someone pours ice-cold water into your veins… And then I realized that no amount of martial arts or shooting skills can help me fix the key problem. They will never make me brave. And a person with no courage has no business on the battlefield."
I'd never heard such a sincere explanation in my life. It was a real confession. And I did, in fact, see the fear in Geek's eyes. As if, telling me this story, he re-lived that old horror again. I felt really sorry for him. Being called a coward was perhaps the greatest insult for a man – the second worst thing after being raped in a prison shower.
And there he was, standing in front of me and confessing to the most dreaded and unmanly sin. Yet I couldn't think of him as a coward. Showing one's weakness to a complete stranger took guts. By admitting his cowardice, ironically, he was bravely facing his scariest enemy. And the most important thing was that Geek's fear didn’t make him leave the Order and live a mundane life of some software developer. He kept trying to make the world a better place.
"You know, Geek, anyone can be brave if it's in their DNA. But that's not courage. True courage means doing the right thing, however difficult, even when you are all frozen inside with horror."
Geek chuckled slightly.
"So you are a philosopher, my friend."
"Whenever I get a chance," I said dropping a mock curtsey. "So how come you became a backup paladin?"
"When I realized all this, I came to Rettle and explained the situation. I told him I didn't want to take part in combat operations because my fear could prevent me from doing my part of the job. And if that ever were to happen, someone I'm supposed to cover could die because of me."
"What did Rettle say?"
"He said I'm free to stay out of all operations if I wish to. And then he added something like this, "Every warrior has to find his own path to follow. Yes, I sense fear in you but I also see that you have what it takes to be a real fighter. One day you'll understand how to rein in that fear and make it your slave. There are many fearless warriors in the world, but they always die first, mixing up bravery and stupidity. Your fear will make you invincible. Not because you'll be able to dodge bullets, but because you'll never risk getting shot for nothing. You won't become an intrepid soldier. Your fate is to become a wise general. Physical strength and courage don't make great military leaders – cunning does."
"How very Sun Tzu of Rettle! But isn't this speech too long to remember?"
Geek chuckled again.
"To be honest, I wrote it down straight after the conversation with Rettle. It was way too beautiful."
I smiled at him.
"Shall we maybe get down to the training?" he asked.
Geek pulled out a second gun from under the shooting stand and gave it to me. I took the gun and checked its readiness as Rettle taught me. And we started shooting. For the whole hour straight! After we used up the third box of cartridges Geek stepped away from the stand and walked inside Rettle's workshop. When he came back, he was carrying two bulletproof vests.
"What do you think is scarier – shooting at someone or being shot at?" he asked.
"Being shot at, hands down," I replied.
Geek smiled mysteriously.
"As you say."
He put on a vest, went around the stand and stood up at the opposite wall of the range.
"Shoot."
"Where do I get a magazine with rubber bullets?" I asked recalling that time when I was shooting at Rettle in the dark.
"You won't need it."
"What? Why?"
"If you become a paladin, you'll have to shoot at living human beings with real bullets."
"But those would be bad guys, not you."
"Trust me, it's not as important as you think. Whether your victim is "good" or "bad" matters before and after the shot, but not during it. Unless they've just torn someone to pieces right in front of you."
"But…" I felt fear and doubt starting to grow inside me. "What if I hit you?"
"You should. That's why I have the vest on."
"You got what I mean!" My fear leaked out as irritation. "What if I miss the vest?"
"Try not to."
I swallowed nervously.
"Can't we do it some other way? How about you hang the vest on the wall and step aside?"
Geek shook his head no.
"Geek, but you said you are a coward. How can you ask me now to shoot at you?" I was hanging onto my last chance of getting out of this test.
"It's not as dangerous as it seems. From this distance, even a human is not likely to miss the vest, let alone a vampire."
I swallowed nervously once again, feeling an unpleasant lump starting to form in my throat.
"Have you done this before?" I asked.
Geek nodded.
"And it went fine?"
He nodded again.
"Just don't close your eyes and aim carefully."
This time nothing was left for me to swallow – the fear made my mouth absolutely dry. I took the sight-shooting position and aimed at the middle of Geek's vest so that there would be enough room for error. My finger hesitated on the trigger, not eager to make the final move. Geek's remark about keeping my eyes open now made sense. I was extremely tempted to shut them tightly in order to not watch myself shooting my own friend in the chest with a real gun loaded with real bullets. Breathe in, breathe out. My finger on the trigger covered the final infinitesimals of its path, and a shot rang out. For a brief moment, I surrendered and closed my eyes. But when I opened them again, I found Geek safe and sound. He was smiling and giving me a thumbs-up.
"Do it again," He said.
My eyes widened in surprise, and my eyebrows moved upward.
"Again? Are you kidding me?!"
"Go on, do it. The point of this exercise is for you to stop seeing shooting at people as something extraordinary. In real-life combat, you won't have time for moral preparations. Once you linger, you are dead. So do it again."
Once more, I took aim. This time I was calmer. I fired a shot.
"Phew!" Geek exhaled loudly. "That was fun!"
He picked the flattened bullets out of his vest and threw them on the concrete floor.
"Weren't you at all scared?" I asked.
"Of course, I was. Actually, this exercise is meant for me just as much as for you. Rettle's idea. He gave me permission to follow my own path, but on a condition that occasionally I face my fears, at least in a maximum safety situation like this."
Geek walked up to me, taking off the vest.
"It's your turn now."
He gave me another vest. I looked at him, my raised eyebrows asking a silent question.
"Paladin suits are bulletproof but it doesn't mean you won't feel anything. A shot in the vest is enough to knock some humans out. You have to be mentally prepared. Catching a bullet in action, you should be ready to fire back at once."
"Well, sounds fair. I shot some at you, now you shoot some at me," I tried to sound as calm as possible, but it's unlikely I did a good job of it.
"Put it on and take the place at the wall."
I nodded, put on the vest and approached the opposite side of the range.
"I'm…"
My words were interrupted by a thunderous shot, and I instantly felt a burning pain in my chest.
"…ready. I wanted to say I'm ready," I finished in a somewhat husky voice.
But before I could process the sensations caused by the first hit, another shot pierced the air. And then another one, and another one. Geek sent three bullets in a row to my stomach. It hurt. A lot.
"That was fun," I repeated Geek's own words and took several steps forward.
But then my shooting coach fired at me again. He raised the gun so quickly I barely noticed the movement at all.
"Ouch! Not cool, man!"
"Sorry, but didn't Rettle warn you that a paladin always has to be on guard?"
"He did warn me. And then he shot me in the chest with a grenade launcher. Is this what you people do here?"
"Kinda."
"Are you going to shoot at me again or can I take off the vest now?"
"I won't shoot at you."
Geek put the gun on the stand. I took off the vest and approached him. Only then I understood why he asked me what's scarier – shooting at someone or being shot at. My initial answer was wrong. Shooting a person turned out to be much scarier.
I walked around the counter and turned to the targets to once again examine the results of our hour-long shooting with Geek. And then I heard a shot fired… It felt like a giant red-hot metal nail pierced into my back. I was thrown forward, hit the counter and bent over it. Is that it? Am I dead? Where's the long tunnel with the bright light seeping from under the door at its end? Am I supposed to follow the light or, on the contrary, run away from it? Does heaven exist? What if hell exists, but heaven doesn't?
"Sorry, Sam, but paladin training rules are harsh," Geek's voice came from very far away, probably from Canada. "But I didn't lie when I said I won't shoot at you."
I tried to move my shoulders. I was still alive. I reached my back with my hand, but there was nothing sticky or hole-ridden there. So I wasn't shot. Or at least, the bullet didn't enter my body. But of course! The freaking rubber bullets! I was shot with one of those, once again. Leaning on the shooting stand, I managed to stand up straight. The freshly injured area sent out a new wave of pain. I might've even groaned a little. Nevertheless, I pulled myself together and turned around, overcoming pain.
Standing in front of me was Rettle. His hand was holding a gun.
"Always mind your back, Sam. I thought you've learned this lesson already."
Coach's voice sounded, as always, calm and detached. Freaking Nazi robot! But however harsh his teaching methods, Rettle used both carrot and stick. When I started to drag my feet dejectedly toward the exit from the basement, the coach handed me a vampire first-aid kit. It contained the very same bottle of the dark-red liquid and a metal jar with cream that my uncle gave me when I first turned up at his place. That stuff was really cool – the next day my body had no traces of the beating whatsoever.
ns 15.158.61.36da2