Revision: Kanato’s mind (?)
P.O.V: His
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I breathe heavily. What’s wrong with me?
Right now, I have my back slumped on the floor, right forearm blocking my vision; contemplating death.
I feel like I’m loosing myself in this wonderland of madness. What’s going on?! My hands move on their own, slow, silent, shivering morphing into scary, strict, shaking. I feel my mind buzz.
Is it the alcohol kicking in? I did have a strong mix today..or is it all the sleepless nights? I don’t know anymore…all I can register is the agonising throbbing in my head; driving me practically insane.
My ears ring like alarms as my phone notification fills the room. “WHO THE HE—“ I stop in my tracks. “Dark..?” My voice considerably softer; I pick up the call. “D-Dark?” I shudder, feeling guilty about my stammer.
”Hi Kana-san!” Her shout made my heart feel lighter but my mind heavier. She hesitated, “Kana-san? Are you okay?” “O-Of course I’m okay! Why wouldn’t I be?!” I laugh, trying to smoothen my hysteria with humour. It always works!
”Kanato? What happened? Are you drunk?” Well…not always. Chills shoot up my spine as the hum of her sickeningly sweet tone. It sounds like she actually cares…no…never…she’ll never feel the way I do! NEV—!
”Kanato!” “I’m sorry…what?” “I’ve been calling you for 15 minutes! Kanato what’s wrong??” I feel the silence accompany tension between us…”I…I’m sorry…It’s just stressful, being at home and all.” I admit, not all of it is true though. She just won’t understand.
I hear her sigh soothingly; my lips curl into a solemn smile. Her voice is so calming, even a small sigh can stir me to sleep. The silence was much more peaceful now. “Kana-san?” Dark chimes, her voice in a hymn.
And I'll stand up and fight
I hum back for acknowledgement. “It’ll be okay, trust me. You’ll make it through this.” And that right there nearly sent me into a frenzy–a calm, finally unwinding frenzy–. I clenched my hands tight, digging my blunt nails into my palms, not causing blood but causing some skin to give way.
She’s like a bloody angel.
I want her to be with me…
No…I NEED her to be with me…
I stand up, excusing myself from the call and ending it. I don’t know…she’s the only thing keeping me sane—actually, I don’t know that either. Am I going insane because of her or staying sane because of her? I feel defeated, by HER for that matter.
Whatever the case, I’m loosing sanity now. I sneak to the kitchen, chugging down at least 4 wine glasses filled over the brim with vodka. My throat burns, but my head freezes. Submitting to the dangers of it, I’ve already grown addicted to alcohol.
But now I have another addiction: ‘Dark’.
Her soft, simple, sickeningly sweet sound…her ability to calm my raging mind. She WILL be mine. I don’t care how difficult or how long it’ll take but I will have her.
She’ll be MINE. Like a puppet on a string; no escape. MINE AND ONLY MINE…no…WHAT AM I THINKING?! I can’t do that to her…she’ll hate me. She’ll want me GONE! What can I do?! I don’t know!
It was like a game with those huge, block letters: ‘INSANITY VS SANITY’ Who will win? Who will slack and break? As of now, it’s sanity. SaNiTy is going to loose and it shall stay lost.
I don’t know anymore.
InSaNiTy SoUnDs FuN
Itll be tough though. Doing it alone.
My mind runs hamster balls and gears.
I reach for my phone,
I need to make a call.
