Chapter Ten
“You still want to know everything?” I asked Sterling as I placed the box on the counter. I am really doing this. I am coming clean.
He froze at the moment and he nodded at me.
I opened the box and tons of letters were in. I don’t know how many letters I wrote back then because after I write I just leave it there and never took it out or read it again. This is my genuine feelings back when I was so numb that I can’t even feel an ounce of sadness or happiness, “These are the letters I wrote since I first knew that I love you. I stopped putting letters here when I fell in love with Evan.” I smiled at the thought, “If you want closure, all you have to do is to read these letters. This contains everything. But I feel like I should be beside you when you read them so we could talk about each one.”
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We sat on the round table with cookies and coffee and we opened the oldest letter dated back in December 2007. I remember how I kept on singing “All I Want For Christmas” because even though I didn’t believe in Santa anymore, I still took the chance and for some reason my wish did came true.
“I did wish for you that Christmas” Sterling reminisced, “You remember that message I sent you that I told you ‘I love you’?”. And I remembered because that was the first I love you that I received from any guy. “I did mean that, I was just too coward to admit that I really meant I love you and I even made up a stupid follow-up message that ‘We should give love on Christmas’”, we laughed at the thought.
The next letter he opened was when we first say I love you’s to each other. We didn’t even know what we are back then. We didn’t have labels and whenever any of our friends ask if we were dating exclusively our tongues seemed tied.
He chuckled, “For the record, I did want to claim you as my girlfriend already back then, I just thought that you were such a princess and very traditional that’s why I wanted to wait for the right timing to ask you.”
And then the Valentine’s Day where we gave each other the very simplest but thoughtful gifts, “You never did teach me how to do that rose origami!” I exclaimed and he ruffled my hair then we continued to another letter.
By lunch we opened the letters up to the magical prom we had back when I was a senior and he, a junior. I can’t believe I wrote that much letter to him. I can’t believe that I am so in love like that and very verbose in that matter.
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We ordered Chinese for lunch and set the letters aside first, “I never knew that you were writing those letters for me. Why didn’t you send them?”
“Well, you might notice that there is no send address on them. I think I just wrote them for myself. More like a diary.”
“So, technically, you made your own Tom Riddle” I chuckled on that, I can’t believe he is making a Harry Potter reference right now.
Then our faces became serious again, “I think I was just very careful of my feelings that even though I know that I love you, I don’t want to give it all to you because I don’t even know what we are and then some things happened.”
“I am afraid to open up more letters. I have a feeling that the remaining letters would just contain heartbreaks.”
I finished my lunch and looked at him sternly, “But we have to have this closure.”
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I can’t believe I’ll be seeing Sterling Williams cry. I wanted to cry with him but I am already done crying for what is written in that letter and I think I’ve cried every tear I could that I can’t even spare a single tear for this moment.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t think you could take it…” I said, trailing off.
“You think I’m that weak? You can’t even tell me that and you brought that by yourself all along. You were bringing that when you broke up with me.”
“I’m sorry. We were young and dumb and if I couldn’t take it myself then why would I burden you with such thing? I am even leaving Michigan back then and I don’t want you to keep worrying about me when you were a senior. It was for the best that I broke up with you.”
He pushed the box away, “I don’t think I could read these anymore.”, and he looked at me sternly, “About what happened yesterday, you might think I was a fool when I told you to get back together with me again, but I meant it. Do you think you could leave Evan for me? After all of these, can you leave him for me?”
I know he’ll ask about that, I know he’ll make me choose.
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“I know you don’t want to date anyone now, but I’ll take my chances.” Evan smiled at me innocently, like it’s no big deal pursuing the worst heart breaker in the campus.
I hit him playfully, “Evan.” I whined, “You are the best friend I could ever hope for.”
He chuckled, “True, I am the best friend you could ever have and you’ll be quite stupid if you turn me down for being your boyfriend. I mean, duh?” and he gestured his face and body.
“So, you think you could deceive me with your looks?” I raised my brow
He grinned at me. I looked up to the sky again and looked as the clouds float by.
“It is a good day. I can’t believe I am on my last year of college, it feels like yesterday when I just came out of high school and I just came out from the hospital as well.” I sighed and closed my eyes.
Then I felt something pressed my cheek and Evan whispered to me, “I’ll take care of your heart.”
And for the first time in the long time, I felt genuinely happy again.
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I snapped back to my daydreaming when Sterling cleared his throat, still waiting for my answer. How can I pick my past when I have a present this good? How can I go back when I have this already?
“I have been thinking.” I said, “We had our time, Sterling.”
“But our time wasn’t enough”
“No. That is all that was. When I came back here I was thinking about everything, trust me, I tried reminiscing everything and looking if I would feel the same as I have back then, but I keep going back to my time with Evan.” I explained.
He had that pained expression on him again, I smiled sympathetically to him. “Sterling, I guess our time was just that short because if I didn’t break up with you back then, then we would have broken up it much worse terms and I would just let my disease be the reason for all of this than the reason be because we fell out of love with each other.” I held his hand, “and when you asked me if we could get back together? The first thing that came to my mind was what if I did tell you about my heart disease, do we have our happily after? But I didn’t and I broke up and said the most hateful words I could look up in all of the dictionary. I don’t understand why you would want me after all that.”
“because I still love you.”, he squeezed my hand.
“No, you don’t love me still, you just love the thought of us. If we get back together, I don’t think I could get past the things that I’ve said to you. I will always feel guilty about how I handled our situation seven years ago. And I don’t want to get back to you because I feel guilty for what happened.”
“But, River…” he sobbed.
“No, Sterling. This is it. This is the closure we need. I found your sister and we met again not because it’s the second chance for our great love story. We met again so that we could close that chapter that left hanging open for these past seven years.” I placed my hands on his face, “You will find someone better than me. I know it because first love isn’t always true love.”
I placed the box in front on him again, “You can read the remaining letters but this time you have to go through them alone. You will always be my first love and there will always be a place for you in my heart, no one can replace that, but Evan has the biggest part of my heart and I can’t imagine living without him. I wish you could find a love like that as well.”
And I kissed him on the forehead, I owe him at least that for all the confusion and misunderstanding he had.
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I took a cab to my parent’s house and Evan was sitting at the porch with his fist under his chin. He might’ve been waiting for me. He looked pretty gloomy though, I wonder what’s going on his mind.
I skipped to where he’s at and sat beside him. “That cloud looks like an ice cream!” I said giddily and smiled at him.
“What happened with Sterling?” he asked, his face still blank.
I gave him a ‘thumbs up’, “It’s all good. It’s over.” I widened my smile and stare back up in the sky looking for more clouds that has a definite shape, or a shape that my imagination creates.
Then I feel him pressed on my neck, “I thought you’ll go back to him.”, he breathed.
I hugged him. I didn’t even have to decide, Evan is my choice and will always be my choice. I made sure of that the moment I said yes to him a couple of times.
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