Chapter Nine
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“Is there something going on?” Evan asked me as I went inside the guest room.
“Why?”
“Ariana was just checking on us and asking if I have met Sterling yet. Is he someone I need to get to know?” I sighed. Of course, Ariana won’t just stay still.
I looked at him long enough to say “I love you”, and I meant it. Even though there’s Sterling somewhere in this house, even though he is trying to reconcile with me, “I have to tell you something Evan. I want to be honest with you on this.”
And he looked at me with blank expression. Maybe, he doesn’t know what to expect, he doesn’t know what to feel.
I began telling him the stories of Sterling and I back in high school, how I was friends with his siblings, on how we met, on how we became infatuated with each other, on how my heart beats differently when he’s around and how I broke up with him because of my condition. Honestly, I don’t want to tell him all this because I wanted it to be just mine. I wanted it to be my secret love because first love is always special.
“I want you to know all this because I love you and I am marrying you. I think you should know now because you’ve already met him at some point.”
He held my hand and looked at me lovingly, “I understand.”, and he kissed my knuckles, “Do your heart beats differently now? Now that you were with him these past few days?”
“It did at some point, but it is different. What I feel for him right now is not what I felt seven years ago, what I feel for him now is just guilt.”
“You should find closure with him.” And that is what Evan would likely say, “You need this, for your heart to be at peace.”
I gulped, “But what if…” I trailed
He shut his eyes as he understands what I’ll say, “If your feelings came back for him then you should decide who you’ll choose. If your feelings come back then I won’t bother you because I know you will be confused if I do.”
And now my eyes started leaking, “No, don’t say that.”
“Look River, you would get to decide but right now you should at least give him a chance to know the truth. As far as I see it, he doesn’t even hate you for what you did because if he does then you wouldn’t be staying here. You should just give him a chance like how you gave me a chance to open up your heart when it was shut close.” He grabbed my face, “You should do the right thing. Just remember that I love you more than anything and you will be my forever and I’ll be your forever if you still want me to.”
He kissed me softly and I kissed back trying to deepen the gesture but then he pulled away. “Let’s sleep first then I’ll go to your parent’s house. Your mom already texted me that they’ll be home by 4 am. I’ll stay there the whole day and you will stay here and try to find closure with Sterling. I’ll take care of your parents.” And he laid beside me but his back is on me.
I hugged his torso as I try to fall asleep without shedding any more tears.
If Evan is this caring and giving, how can I not choose him?
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“Evan, we don’t have to do this. I don’t have to do this.” I whined as he packs up my car with our luggage.
“Call me and I’ll pick you up.” He held my gaze, “You’ve gotta do this River, then we would know that no one will ever come between us.” And he gave me a box.
I know this box, this is where I keep all my letters for Sterling. Letters I wrote whenever I miss Sterling, letters that contains every truth in our story, letters that explains my side of the story. I didn’t even remember what I wrote on those letters.
I looked at him and he just nodded at me.
And he drove off leaving me on the front porch with full of regret. I shouldn’t have told him or I shouldn’t have stayed here in the first place. Argh!
“Where did he go?” Charlie asked me as she sipped her coffee.
I poured coffee for me before I answer, “To my parents’ house.”
“Why aren’t you with him?”
“I told him everything and he instructed me to tell the whole truth to Sterling, and maybe you should know everything as well. Would you come with me when I tell Sterling my side of the story?”
She looked at me with sympathy, “I’m sorry but I can’t. I’m still prepping up my thesis. But tell me how it goes?” and I nodded.
Sterling opened up the kitchen door taking off his running shoes, “You’re still here?”
“I’ll be going” Charlie patted me on the back and went out of the house.
“What’s going on?”
“You still want to know everything?”
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December 1, 2011
Dear S.W.
It is nostalgic to write to you again. I haven’t written for how many years? I was really trying to move on back then and then I just realized that I don’t need to move on, all I need is to just go with whatever is happening and just pray that every day it will be fine and then it became fine.
I don’t have to write you everything that I feel right now. I have found a friend to whom I could tell things that I usually tell you. I have found a friend that is as special as you. That friend helped me through everything.
Back in 2008 I was operated for my heart disease and I believe I have written about him to you before. He was the intern doctor when I was in the hospital back in Michigan. It turns out he came to New York and we met again. It is quite impossible to meet an old friend in a city as big as the Big Apple but somehow we met again and then we became really good friends. Better than we was when I was admitted at the hospital.
He is a doctor now, while I am on my last year in college. He is very caring and very thoughtful. He always asks me how I am, at first I was a bit annoyed about it but I guess I just got used to it, he knew all about my condition after all.
He is the reason why Ariana, my college bestie, knew about my heart disease as well. Ariana scolded me for about a month because of that but I’m glad he told my best friend as well because I don’t have to tell her and be afraid that she might see me as a weak person.
Evan is the special guy in my life right now. He might not make my heart beat differently because I trained myself not to feel those anymore. He might not sweep me off my feet like how you did back in high school but he has his ways on showing romantic gestures.
To be honest, I could fall in love with him. You know what? I think I am, I am falling in love with him. Who would’ve thought that I would ever fall in love again after you? I’ve always thought that you were the one, but I guess that’s what all first loves feel like. You feel like no one can replace your first love, you feel like your first love is the one, the one you would spend your life forever. That was my ideal thinking as well because I thought why would I love another when I have already loved someone and if he wasn’t the one then why would I love him in the first place? My mother always tells me that if you find the one then you’ll know. I knew you were the one, but I guess I am wrong.
It would’ve been nice if we end up together, but this is reality. There is a 1% probability that your first love would be your happily ever after, because somehow you would love more than once.
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After I have broken up with you, I’ve closed my heart from all possibility that I would love again. I became robot-like and even though I do like having no feelings at all for it assures me that I could live another day, I still feel like there’s something missing. I cry but I don’t feel sad at all, I laugh but I don’t feel happy at all. It is such a dark place there and I don’t like being alone. I don’t like being numb because I know being numb will just make me lose everything.
And Evan came again, we became friends and surprisingly he was the one who made me laugh genuinely. He became the best friend before Ariana, he became my anchor. He knew everything about me and my condition, maybe that’s why I feel secure around him and maybe that’s why I fell in love with him.
This will be my last letter to you Sterling Williams. I guess this is my good bye.
I can’t keep living in the past. I can’t keep on missing you.
I still love you because I can never change that but I guess that love faded into I love how we were back then and I know I have moved on when I am in love with the feeling of falling in love than I am in love with the person I was in love back then. Do you understand? Ha-ha, it is quite complicated to explain in words.
I hope you are happy wherever you are, because I know I am happy.
Your first love,
R.Y.
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