The Long Ride Home
After the interview with Caesar, Effie, Haymitch, and I were taken to the train to return home. I felt like sleeping on the way to the train station, but sleep just wouldn't come. I simply curled up in the car and closed my eyes.
After getting on the train I went directly to bed and tried to get some sleep. I just lay in the blackness looking for gray eyes in the dark corners of the room. For hours I lay there. After a long while I gave up and started wandering around. It was the same cabin we had used on the way to the Capitol. I found the hole Katniss created in the mahogany top of the table and sat there playing with it. Feeling the hole, I could picture that morning so perfectly, every detail. It still seemed realer to me than my current condition.
The idea popped into my head that her body must be on the train. Somewhere there was a box with Katniss in it. I started tramping all over the train, looking for her coffin. I met porters in the hallways and asked each one where Katniss' body was. None of them seemed to know.
Finally I met one who thought he knew where the body would be. He led me to a crate-filled room off one train car. Together we looked over each crate until I found one marked "Katniss Everdeen in care of District 12 Affairs Office, NOT TO BE OPENED". I sent the porter away with a huge tip. Part of me wanted to open the box and part of me just wanted the box to go away. I sat down on the floor and leaned on her crate; I wished I had a stiff drink.
I felt a huge wave of depression come over me. I wanted to grieve. I wanted to sit there for days and just feel what I lost. "Why am I alive? We took the same poison at the same time, and you were in better shape. I told you I wanted to die. I accepted that fate. I made my peace with my death as long as you lived. Why couldn't you just let me die?" My hands covered my face in despair.
I heard a whispered "Get up!" At least I think that is what I heard; I was not sure. Could it be Katniss? Why would she be telling me to get up? I tried to picture her in the room, watching me, and in an instant I knew what was going on. If Katniss were there she would have been sick to her stomach watching me wallowing in my self-pity. Wow, I hadn't thought about that: I was to share every moment of the rest of my life with her. So much for self-pity. I wiped my eyes, got up, and straightened my shirt.
"All right, Katniss, I think I get the message. But if you're going to take my privacy away, I want your company in exchange, okay?" I waited, but nothing happened. "Hey, Katniss, I'm getting the feeling I'm talking to an empty room." I waited some more. "Damn, I'm crazy."
Okay, assuming my getting drunk and crying myself to sleep was not an option, what should I have been doing? I needed sleep. I hadn't slept in two days. On my way to my cabin, I started thinking about what was going to happen when we reached District 12. There had never been a victor in District 12 during my lifetime. I guessed there would be a lot of celebrations, speeches, and people wanting my time. But I needed to talk to the Everdeens. I would have to somehow sneak into District 12 and talk to Katniss' mother and sister.
I started hunting for the porter I had overpaid. When I found him I asked to be taken to the train's engineer. The porter led me to the first train car and hit the intercom.
My porter said with a wink and a smile, "Hey, guys, you'll never guess who I got here, who wants to talk to you." He thought this was going to be a great joke on them.
"It better be an official. You know we aren't allowed to bring people up here," rang back from the intercom.
"It's Peeta Mellark, the victor." My porter gave a small laugh, thinking about the chaos he just created.
The door opened and a man in a gray outfit who looked not much older than me stuck his head out. "My God, he's right—it is Peeta. Come on in." He motioned me in like I was some kind of royalty.
The control room was small and covered with all kinds of controls and screens, and in the middle were two seats for the engineers. Outside the pine forest sped by at a terrifying speed. The one engineer was still sitting, watching a screen. He turned around. "Holy shit, Peeta Mellark, I knew you were on board, but I didn't expect to meet you." We shook hands all around. The two engineers seemed so happy to see me I knew it was going to work.
"Guys, I have a problem, and maybe you could think of a solution. Tomorrow about 2 p.m. we are scheduled to be in District 12, and I expect there is going to be a huge crowd to meet me. The problem is I really want to talk to Katniss' family alone before dealing with the crowd. Do you have any ideas?"
The second engineer seemed to be the senior and spoke up. "Oh wow, man, I was so sorry to hear about Katniss. You know we all thought both of you would make it. So what you need is for us to get into the district early. We could press the engines and get there faster, but we have the Mississippi stop to make too, and it will have to be on time."
The other man, who had let us in, chimed in, "Couldn't we call ahead and see if anyone is getting on or off at Mississippi stop? Most of the time no one does in this direction."
A couple of calls later they agreed that they could get into the district a full hour before anyone expected us.
"Thanks, guys, I owe you big time," I said. "All three of you can consider yourselves invited over to my house for supper. Just give me a month to set up my new house, and then come over anytime you want."
They all agreed that I was very generous, and I headed back to my cabin. I started thinking I would need to court everyone I could from then on. Every person high and low might be needed from there on out if I had really made President Snow my enemy. I made a couple more friends that day; I needed to do that every day following. My life would be like a politician's.
I went to Effie's room and woke her; she wouldn't let me see her without her makeup on, and we spoke through the door. I told her what I was doing and to let Haymitch and the rest of my crew know what was happening. I would have told Haymitch, but I highly suspected he was too drunk for my words to get through.
By the time I reached my cabin, I again wanted nothing more than to sleep. As soon as I reached the bed I fell face-first on it and fell asleep.
"Peeta, wake up," Katniss whispered into my ear.
I did feel a thrill at her voice, but I was too tired; I didn't open my eyes or move at all. "Katniss, please, I'm so tired. I've done everything I can today for you and your family. Besides, you've ignored me for days. Just let me sleep."
"Peeta, please wake up. It wasn't my fault I haven't talked to you," Katniss pleaded.
I rolled over without opening my eyes. "Well whose fault was it, then?"
"Yours. As far as I can tell, you are in charge of when I can appear."
That got my attention. "How am I controlling it?"
"I don't know. But many times I say things and you don't seem to hear me. It is really very annoying," she said.
That got me to thinking. I pictured again the ceremony and President Snow's reaction. "Did Snow see you?"
"I think so, at least by his reaction."
"Has anyone else seen you?"
"I think the Avox girl saw me sometimes," said Katniss.
My mind started moving again. "So you think I can make you visible to me or other people at will?"
"It seems that way."
"I'll have to think about that," I said.
Katniss seemed annoyed with me as she said, "Peeta, that isn't what I want to talk about. Tomorrow you will be back in the district, and you will see my family. I want you to give them some messages."
"Did you write messages?"
"No. I meant to, but I didn't write anything before the Games. I had a hard time putting my ideas on paper."
"Katniss, if I pen letters for you, they'll know it isn't your handwriting."
"I'll help you fake my hand style. Please, Peeta, this is may be my last chance to talk to them."
"Okay, but you owe me a kiss," I said, and I waited a couple of very long seconds. I felt her breath on my cheeks and sensed her warm lips lightly touch mine. My whole body became flush with excitement, and in a fraction of a second it was over. I felt like I had just witnessed a miracle, and once again was wide awake.
I decided to push my luck. "I'm going to open my eyes, okay?"
"We can try," she answered.
Right in front of me was Katniss. She stood next to the bed, wearing her old training outfit. I studied every inch of her face, looking for the flaw that would prove it was some kind of illusion or trick. Every hair and every pore were there, but I could also see through her—she was a shadow, a living shadow! I wanted to reach out and touch her, but I was afraid of what might happen. "Let's decide what you want to say first and then figure some way to fake your handwriting."
I thought faking the handwriting would be the hard part, but I had never tried to get Katniss to express herself before. We started with her mother, and it was soon very obvious she had many issues with her. Trying to get her to forgive her mother even just on paper was horrible. I had to have her tell me a dozen stories of her early childhood just to get her in touch with the love she had felt for her mother. It was very hard on Katniss, and she cried a lot, but we finally got her to forgive her mother on paper and express her love and admiration one last time. We added a section to explain how Katniss and I had promised to adopt each other's families should one or the other survive. I tried to get her to talk about her funeral, but she refused to expound on the subject.
For Prim things went much easier. Mostly I worked with Katniss on telling Prim how proud she felt having volunteered in Prim's place, and how she thought Prim was worth the sacrifice.
Strangely enough, I was the one who believed in an afterlife, not Katniss, so I put words in her mouth about believing she would go to a better place if she died.
After Prim, Katniss thought she was finished, but I insisted she add a section for Gale. Of course, I had seen her and Gale together many times, and I had to confess my fear and jealousy. She did not want to talk of Gale in front of me, and she obviously wasn't even sure how she felt. Again I had to have her tell me a couple of Gale stories before she could feel her own feelings. We penned a section of her admiration and thankfulness to him. In it she told him how knowing him had made her stronger and better equipped to face the challenge of the Games.
I have to say, by the end we were both crying. I learned so much about her that night, I was amazed and so terribly in love with her again.
I loved having her with me, but every moment I was with her I felt more and more ill. Several times I almost threw up, but pushed it back. Something about being around her seemed to make my stomach do flips. I could also feel a building anxiety. I felt my life was in danger, though I could not put my finger on anything threatening. I told her nothing about the way I felt, but she could not have missed how sickly I must have looked.
Then we spent hours trying to rewrite it in her handwriting. To help me get the shapes of the letters right, she put her finger on my back and made the shapes of the letters. The trouble was that her touch felt more like an insect crawling on my skin than a human finger. I choked back more vomit.
After many hours of work, she declared my fake good enough, and I fell back in my bed. I couldn't stay awake any longer. She lay down next to me, and the last things I saw were her smiling eyes.
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