"I can't take this anymore." She let out a weary chuckle.
He raised his eyebrows in concern and asked, "What do you mean?"
"I mean I feel like my heart is about to explode!"
"…I think that means you should go see a doctor, ASAP."
"Ha, funny." She gave him an unamused look.
He exclaimed, "There's nothing funny about heart problems!"
"Wait, wait, wait. What the hell is going on now?" Their friend who was watching them from the sidelines interjected with a confused expression.
Lilac snickered at the scenes on the TV and popped some chips into her mouth before a frown marred her features. Wait, this what's-her-name- girl on the show does have a point. There's nothing funny about heart problems.
Which reminded her of another problem; the matter of her own heart too.
She sighed out loud before feeding herself a handful of potato chips.
It's been two weeks since Jaxon and Joanne found out about her crush on Grey as well as her realisation. She has tried and failed to not focus on something else other than this, and if she were to be honest, her feelings grew stronger with each day she withheld them.
"Lilac."
Even more so, the poor bloke didn't seem to realise the turmoil she's in which meant that she was either good at hiding it, or he was just oblivious to it…
…which again brought her to another realisation.
Grey was not an oblivious person. If Jaxon, the most oblivious guy she'd known could recognise her apparent crush which she ultimately wore on her sleeve, how could he not?
A cleared throat. "Lilac."
So, she theorised, either Grey knew about it but was pretending like he knew nothing, or…well, he's really oblivious and just doesn't notice it yet...
A weary sigh and some feet shuffling.
…but nevertheless Lilac Logan was secretly grateful about that, because for the life of her, she was still clueless about what to do about this – or rather, how to go about this.
"LILAC SAVANNAH LOGAN!"
Startled with the sudden loud noise, she let out a short scream and dropped her bowl of chips all over her. With a sharp turn to her side, she exclaimed, "Mum!"
"Don't mum me. I called you many times!"
Oh. No doubt it was partially her fault, but she was stubborn to admit it. Pointedly, she said, "Well, you didn't have to yell at me."
At one glance, it was no surprise where Lilac had her features from. While she didn't share her mother's auburn hair, she had her mother's slightly upturned nose and blue eyes, which almost seemed violet, actually, and she had gotten her father's jet black hair and smile; sunny yet secretive, or so her mother told her.
Evelyn Princely gave a look at her daughter. "Honey, wipe that look off your face. It's unbecoming really." She shook her head before continuing, "And that may have worked on me when you were a baby but you're almost eighteen now. Don't you think it's time to drop that?" She asked smoothly, both hands on her waist as she gave her daughter an expectant look.
Lilac mumbled something.
"What's that?"
Lilac grumbled, "Nothing."
"That's what I thought. Now, stop with the TV and clean that up." She said gesturing at the mess on the couch and carpet. Then, as if remembering why she went downstairs to get her daughter, she said, "Ah, I almost forgot. When you're done with that, go to Ms. Langdon's house and give her back the glassware she lent us."
Lilac held a sigh. "Why can't you do it?"
Her mother gave her another look which made her cowered as she lowered her gaze at the floral design on her mother's blouse. "What do I have a daughter for? Besides, I have to go settle your brother's mess at school." This time, Evelyn looked at Lilac in accusation. "He's been biting his classmates, again."
Lilac didn't bother covering her snicker, but shut her mouth when her mother glowered.
"Now, you better stop teaching him things like that, young lady. We've been through this before, Lilac. You don't teach your brothers those things. He never listens when I tell him to stop!"
She had a retort on her lips but seeing her mother's expression made her evaluate her decision. Still, the words were at the tip of her tongue and so she meekly said, "But it's self-defense."
"There are better ways to learn self-defense! What are those martial arts lessons for?" Then, with a tired sigh, her mother rubbed her temple and said, "Jude listens to you the most. Won't you talk to him?"
Lilac stared at her mother. She looked exhausted and the slight wrinkle near her eyes didn't escape Lilac's notice either. She hadn't truly realised how much effort her mother had made for them, as well as the things she went through.
She suddenly felt bad and guilty for driving her mother to exhaustion, especially with trying to raise her and her younger brothers. Since her parents got a divorce a few years ago and her mother got full custody, she had never seen her mother became so work driven yet supportive of them. It hadn't been easy, that much she knew, especially with three brothers who were always energetic.
Lilac also felt as though she hadn't paid much attention to her mother and help her around, since she'd often hung out and slept at her friends' house.
Feeling a sudden wave of appreciation and affection for her mother, Lilac got up from the couch and hugged the startled woman. "Sorry mum. I didn't mean to be a burden. I'll talk to him. Ryder and Evan, too."
Evelyn put her hands around her daughter and pulled her closer, kissing Lilac's head and said softly, "Aw, honey. The four of you were never a burden to me. I love you all so much. It'd just be great if we could all do this together, you know."
She understood that. "I know. I love you."
Evelyn gave another smooch before letting her go. "Love you too. Now you best clean that up, and don't forget the glassware as well."
Lilac laughed. "Mum, I know."
Her mother nodded and went to get her keys, before she stopped and said, "And Lilac?"
She looked at her mother in question.
"Thank you, honey." Her mother smiled.
Lilac grinned and said softly, "Don't mention it, mum."
It was almost evening when she had cleaned the mess and got the glassware to Ms. Langdon's house. Since the neighbor who borrowed the glassware to them lived several houses away from hers – it was a purple painted house at the end of the neighbourhood – Lilac thought she could drop the glassware off and be on her merry way, but little did she know, she had to socialise.
She went through the whole manner process at the doorstep, although it did get a little weird for her at some point…
ML: Would you like some strawberry muffins?
L: No, thank you, Ms. Langdon.
ML: Do you not like strawberries? I have blueberries and even apple muffins too!
L: Uh…no, thanks. I'm just here to give you the glassware.
ML: Oh, just a bite is all. I reckon it's really delicious!
L: I'm sure it is…but I'm…on a diet. Doctor's orders for now.
ML: Oh. Well, that's just too bad, isn't it? Alright, then. Say hello to your mother for me!
She thanked the heavens the moment she could leave the doorstep. The lady was even more persistent than any girl scouts she knew. Or the guy who tries to sell insurance to them every Thursdays.
Lilac didn't feel bad for lying about the diet part, but she was quite torn with not being rude by accepting the offer or screwing it and asking the lady what her problem was. Who shoves food down people's throats, anyway, especially when they declined it? Apparently her neighbour did. Maybe she was a friendly person – very friendly – but that also leaves a lot of room for someone to be suspicious, right? It could mean anything, really.
On one hand, her mum didn't raise her to be an ill-mannered girl, but on the other…
Well, mama didn't raise me to talk to strangers, either and I'm sure that involves accepting food as well.
See? Torn.
But all Lilac had to do was remind herself that Ms. Langdon offering them reminded her of the folktale of some children about to become food for the witch who lived in a candied cottage. Granted, Ms. Langdon didn't have candies for a house, even though the colour was astonishingly a very dark purple that she wouldn't be surprised if it was made out of tiny little purple candies…or grapes.
Yeah, that was a good call.
She also needed to tell her mum to stop borrowing glassware from creepy neighbours.
Lilac walked on the pavement leading to a small park with a playground around the corner. She thought about what her mother said earlier, how she always stayed out often. She had only wanted to have her space, but maybe she forgot she had too much and none for her family much. Then there was her friends, and then of course, the invasion of Grey in her mind.
Usually, he came first in her thoughts and Lilac felt a crazy notion to laugh.
She did just that.
A dog barked at her, and startled, she glanced sharply just to see the owner trying to pull the leash on the dog away from her, both of them looking at her like she was a weird creature.
"What?" she asked, her tone defensive.
The old man just snarled at her before hissing, "Witch." before pulling along his still barking mad dog after him.
"Cray-cray," Lilac muttered to herself, glaring after the man and his dog.
For such a lovely neighbourhood, it's filled with its share of weird and nutty people. One good thing she would be glad for was that by next year, she would be across a few states away from this weird place for college. But then that would mean leaving her mum and younger siblings behind. That's another matter she needed to think about.
Maybe they could all move across the state?
If only that's easy to do.
She shook her head and tried to think of something else but instantly found herself going back to Grey. Damn, seems like my heart wants me to make a decision.
But I suck at deciding things, remember? She wanted to retort childishly to her heart.
Lilac allowed herself to think about it. There's the whole feelings thing about Grey which she still had no clue what to do about it. Still, she knew she could count on her love counsellors.
Fishing the phone out of her pocket, she dialled the number.
"'Lo?"
"Hey, Jo. What are you up to now?"
Lilac heard some munching in the background. She also heard the sound of a guy trying to get in the conversation but was being….swatted?
"Who's that? And where are you?" Lilac laughed.
She could practically feel Joanne's eye roll as she girl said, "Just me and Jaxon, hanging 'round eating chips. By the yard."
There was some grappling before a male voice came on. "Hey, girl! Did you miss me? I haven't seen you in a while. Where are you?"
Lilac grinned at that. They've just seen each other yesterday at school, but Jaxon sounded like he had drank some energy drink. Lilac didn't think of those drinks other than it being a placebo effect, but maybe it does work on some people.
True enough, Joanne confirmed her thought as the girl's voice came on. "Don't mind this idiot. He's had three cans of MD. So," Joanne asked after a pause, echoing Jaxon's question. "Where are you?"
"My district. Walking. It's pretty close so I'll come by."
Joanne cackled. "You know us, we can't ever be separated because – "
The phone switched voices again and she knew it was Jaxon who had a hold of the phone. " – because wherever the other goes, the other half follows. I guess that means we're definitely meant to be!" Jaxon's tone was gleeful and she heard Joanne sighed loudly.
Lilac couldn't help herself; she laughed out loud, the sound breaking through the peaceful community. Another voice interrupted her, and she thought it was the crazy old guy with the dog shouting at her from somewhere not far, but she paid no heed to it.
Because by then another thought had struck her, and she immediately quieted down.
"Hey guys?"
"What's up, babe? You're on speaker now, by the way." Joanne said, her tone took on a concerned note.
Lilac almost hesitated before saying, "I think…it's time I think about what I'm gonna do about this seriously. Will you guys help me?"
The Yard was just a park located near their school, and one they often frequented to especially during their after school hours, and so Lilac didn't need to ponder on which one her friends were at.
Whilst on the phone with her friends, she had a sudden realisation that she really couldn't put off the thought of Grey out of her mind. It was a futile attempt; Grey had been plaguing her mind almost every time and it was driving her crazy – when she was eating cereal, and even before turning in for bed. If that wasn't worse, she could barely focus on her favourite movie and homework. Especially the movie.
She loved Thor: Ragnarok and the fact that Grey was starting to weave his way into her mind and corrupting the image of Loki with his face was….
Let's just say she was very ashamed to admit that Loki was now the number two man in her life.
Lilac grappled with that painful fact to herself for several days, imagining Grey in every funny and witty scene, instead of the man who had captured her heart since the first Thor movie.
Damn it, Grey.
And if the situation hadn't worsen, she had started to imagine some explicit images of Grey while she was taking a shower. A shower; talk about a huge privacy invasion for both her mind and body. Yet she couldn't get the image of what he might looked like in it; the wet image of water cascading down from his beautiful hair to his face; his long lashes, chiselled nose and kissable lips, his broad shoulders and collarbone, the tone of his muscles, his hands, his lean stomach and his –
Gah damn, Lilac! Don't even think of going there, she had admonished herself and made quick time with her shower. But things hadn't gotten any better afterwards.
During breakfast eating cereal.
"My favourite kinda cereal are those crispy cookies. Cookies and milk can't ever go wrong together. Wait, you too? No way!"
Listening to music in her room.
"Don't get me wrong, I love post-hardcore bands and even the indie music scene, but I'm also really, really into the lo-fi tracks, you know? Just chill tunes that could make me float off the ground sometimes."
Doing her History homework.
"Mr. Kane doesn't give a shit about History or us. But lucky for you, you've got me and because I'm an awesome friend, I'll let you in on a top secret. Have you heard of Hamilton? Now that will guarantee you a fun and easy way of learning the things you need to know about our History test. How's that for a top secret? Well, maybe it's isn't a top secret as much as it is a national treasure. Get it? Treasure?"
Watching the movie.
"I don't get why people are so crazy about Ragnarok. You know, the new Thor movie?"
And then a few days afterwards when they had hung out on her couch. Lilac had coaxed him into giving the aforementioned movie a watch, and he had changed his mind then, albeit begrudgingly.
"Okay, I'll admit it's pretty funny. What's-his-name again played his role splendidly. I can see why you like him."
Lilac had poked his arm. "His name's Loki. And he's awesome."
Grey chuckled and said smugly. "But not as awesome as me, huh?"
Lilac had only laughed then.
Because she was afraid to tell him what she really thought about him. Lilac wasn't ready to face any possibilities of reaction, negative or positive from Grey.
But she knew her stage of being in denial had long passed, and the more she kept it restrained within her, the more it wanted to be known.
Lilac Savannah Logan couldn't ignore the matter of her heart anymore.
"Alright baby doll, we, at the Best Friends Always Helps Out A Mate Agency – "
"That's a shitty name for a love agency, Jaxon." Joanne said with disgust.
Jaxon rolled his eyes at her. "And what, you've got a better idea?"
She nodded. "Yeah, how 'bout we just get to business for Lilac here?"
Jaxon wanted to say something but closed his mouth and nodded. "Alright, let's."
They were sitting on a picnic bench between the tall shady trees. The clouds were getting a little cloudy but Lilac took it as a reflection of a storm in her heart. Like a true client, she sat across from both Joanne and Jaxon who were looking at her expectantly and patiently.
"Okay, so you guys know that I have a crush on Grey, right?" Lilac said without any qualms.
They nodded.
"It's transparent, babe." Joanne looked at her with a sheepish and apologetic look.
"I could see it from miles away, and I didn't even run with his crew." Jaxon said, before taking a swig of mineral water beside him.
Her cheeks heated despite herself. "Yeah, well. I don't think I can ignore what I feel for him anymore. So, I've decided. I'm gonna… need to do something so he'll know how I feel. But I'd rather not face him while I do it." Her voice took on a small tone at the last bit.
Joanne's brow rose. "What's your plan, then? Do you want to send him a note?"
Lilac bit her lip, pensive. Then, she shook her head. "I don't know yet. But no, not that. I was hoping I could do it meaningfully, you know? Like…like words matter, but actions too."
"Actions…speak louder than words?" Jaxon supplied helpfully.
Eyes wide, she nodded vigorously. "Yeah! Yeah, like something no one would really do, and expect from me."
Her two best friends leaned away from the table and glanced at each other. Lilac watched in anticipation wondering what they were thinking. Finally, Joanne turned to Lilac.
"Okay, you wanna go big. Let him know how you really feel about him, but not in a way our peers normally do. I think we can figure this out." She spoke, then after a pause, continued. "You know I'm all for supporting you, right?"
Beside her, Jaxon cleared his throat loudly and Joanne amended her words hastily.
"Right. Sorry, Jax. I mean, we. We're fully supportive in what you wanna do." She glanced at Jaxon to help her out. He got her message instantly.
Jaxon spoke, his earlier playful manner disappeared behind the serious tone of his voice.
"But, we don't think there's a way to do it without you seeing him, or him seeing you. How else is he gonna know how you feel?"
She took them in. Lilac's mind was filled with thoughts of Grey, and the possible ideas she might execute for her plan; but they were a tightly jumbled mess in her head and she couldn't grasp or make sense of them all. Her friends' presence did help, but she needed an assurance to her heart that this was the right thing to do.
To top that, they were also making sense. How did she ever comprehend confessing to Grey without seeing his face? Rejection or not, she was going to face it all…
Which was easier said than done, because while she was trying to muster some courage into the plan, the idea of actually confessing her feelings to her crush was making her nervous beyond belief. It was like waiting for the moment before she was given a microphone to make an announcement in a room full of audience. That thought alone made her jittery.
Lilac stared at her friends and took a deep breath, before making one last plea of her thoughts.
"I'm scared guys. I'm really fucking scared out of my mind. What if he doesn't feel the same way? What if I'm only seeing what I wanna see, and completely missed out on the fact that he doesn't even like me that way?" She cried to her friends, her hands wringing until she made them grip the hem of her shirt tightly.
Joanne looked her in the eye, her expression whilst sympathetic was also determined. "Look, babe, remember the talk we had weeks ago?" At Lilac's nod, she continued, "It still applies. Knowing you, I know that you've thought of every single possibility in your head about him again and again, and it's okay to feel this way."
Reaching out for her hand, Lilac complied and grasped Joanne's hand, the grip tight. "There's always gonna be that doubt that'll stop you from reaching your goal, but look at the bright side, and there's always the bright side. What if he feels the same way? What if you guys become one of the cutest couples Hillview High has ever seen? I can tell that you've already made up your mind about this but you just needed a little push and so, my smart, pretty, and troubled best friend, this is it." Joanne grinned at Lilac and she wanted to cry at her best friend's words, possibly for the umpteenth time.
Jaxon was observing them with a look of understanding and excitement on his face.
"Alright, I'm gonna jump on the bandwagon because this is a monumental moment for us all. Joanne's absolutely right, Lilac." He then went to flip his already wind-blown hair to the side, and when that didn't get the desired effect he wanted, Jaxon ran his fingers through his curls.
"I'll speak out of my experience so hear me out. I know it's not an easy thing to do. You're scared, yeah it's normal. But if you keep thinking pessimistically on the what ifs, then you'll never be able to take a step forward." Jaxon told her. "When I wanted to ask Pamela out, I was scared shitless. Here's this smart and gorgeous girl, and then there's just me, a skater boy who's not even on her radar but had a massive crush on her since junior. I knew I was scared, but I also knew that I really wanted her to know how I feel. So I said fuck it, and I went for it."
Joanne was grinning proudly at Jaxon, and while Lilac was also in awe of her friend's determination, she didn't know if she could be like him. Jaxon and Pamela were the oddest but sweetest couple she ever knew.
Timidly, she mumbled to herself, thinking of a bit that made her sad whenever she thought about it. "But you guys are not together anymore."
Jaxon shrugged before looking at Lilac. "We took some things for granted. But we're good friends now, and who knows what might happen in the future for us? I'm not gonna think that far yet, though." Jaxon's eyes took on a glaze look. "Pam and I jumped into the relationship before we were friends, and it was too fast for us and we fought more than we ever make up."
Then, his eyes softened even though they were still glazed. "But you...I've seen the way Grey looks at you sometimes, Lilac. I wished I could say that I looked at Pam the way he did, but I knew I didn't. There was…something deep in there."
Then, as if he realised the things he was saying, he grinned sheepishly. "All I'm saying is carpe diem. Don't think too far ahead on what's gonna happen five or ten years from now. This moment is crucial, and it matters so fucking much. So just live in it while you can."
When Jaxon finished his sentence, both Lilac and Joanne stared at him, awe and speechless. As if he was suddenly more conscious of the looks his friends were giving him, he rubbed the back of his neck. "Didn't expect that?"
They shook their heads.
"I've never heard a more wise and clever speech from you." Joanne said then continued hastily. "Not that I'm saying you're dumb. It's just… you're usually goofy. Damn, you've shocked your best friends for four years. I don't know if we're worthy to call ourselves your BFF anymore… Those test scores?"
Now, Jaxon looked affronted. "You thought I cheat?"
"No, more like cheat codes from Pam." Lilac said with a giggle.
Jaxon laughed. "That cheerleader hates cheaters. We weren't entirely goofing off in those tutor sessions, you know."
"Okay, I think we get the picture." Joanne quipped and Lilac laughed.
Lilac looked at both Jaxon and Joanne, her expression, thankful and eyes misty thinking of the encouragement they gave her. "Thank you, guys. I think my resolve is getting stronger now."
"You're welcome, Lilac." Jaxon said, nodding with a bright smile.
"You can always count on us, babe." Joanne smiled.
She knew she could. These guys were the best of friends she or anyone could ever ask for. Lilac couldn't be more thankful for them in her life.
"Alright," Lilac wiped her eyes with her shirt sleeve and clapped her hands once, before her friends could comment or make fun of her tears. "Let's brainstorm this plan! Anyone got other ideas?"
Monday came and Lilac was waiting for her friends by her locker. They had always hung by it right after lunch. But this time, Joanne had been called to the office to get some books and attendance sheets for their next class, since she was the representative. And Jaxon, on the other hand, had rushed straight to the boys' washroom as soon as they left the cafeteria.
She didn't know what he ate that made him sick, since they all decided to be funny and get the same lunch, but she hoped his stomach wasn't being too unkind to him.
Strangely, Lilac hadn't seen Grey at all since school started, even though she knew he came because Joanne saw Henry talking to him during lunch at the courtyard. Odd, she thought as she usually saw him in the hallways in the morning.
Lilac hoped to see him. She stopped pondering how to behave around him, because Joanne was right. Both Joanne and Jaxon were right. She needed to just be herself and stop worrying about the what ifs.
She long to see his beautiful smile, and the way the hallway seemed to brighten with just his presence.
The plan concocted on last Saturday with Joanne and Jaxon wasn't so much a plan as it was a process. They had come to a dead end as all the ideas they had didn't seemed like something that would suit her satisfaction. It didn't feel right, and she wanted it to feel like it clicked, because if she wanted to do this confession thing right, she needed every step it took to be like it belong.
People in the movies made it seem so easy but it really takes a whole lot of guts to even have courage to confess. To make sense of her feelings into words, so that her message would sail across to him, like a Cupid's arrow taken to the heart.
Still, she knew she'd find it; she just needed to have more faith in herself.
Lilac was about to text her friend when she saw Jaxon slowly making his way towards her, holding his stomach and waist alternately as if he would fall if he didn't hold onto something.
Lilac raised her brows. "You look pale as fuck, Jax. And you're sweating. Do you want to go to see the nurse? I think you need to lie down."
Jaxon tried to smile but it looked like a grimace instead. "Nah, I'll be fine. But it's weird, though. We ate the same thing! Why am I the only one who suffers?" Even in his weakened state, he groaned dramatically.
Lilac shook her head. It was true that they had macaroni and cheese for lunch but fortunately, they never had any issues with it before. Then, she lifted her brow and said almost accusingly, "Did you drink any of those MD? Secretly?"
Jaxon opened his mouth but instantly snapped it shut. By the stricken look on his face, Lilac already knew the answer.
"Damn it, Jax. That's a really gross combination and you know what it does to you!"
He clutched his stomach tighter and winced. "Alright, alright. I'll lay it off." He groaned painfully.
"Is it all out of your system?" Lilac asked, still concerned despite being angry at him for being ridiculous.
He nodded and croaked, "Pretty fucking sure."
Beside her, Joanne chimed in, "What? What's going on with Jaxon?"
Lilac didn't glance as she said, "Mac and cheese, with, you guess it, MD."
Joanne shook her head but scowled. "Damn it, Jax."
"That's also what I said."
"Alright! I don't need two mother hens going at me. I'm gonna go to the nurse. Wait for me after school, though." Jaxon mumbled before making his way among the throng of students.
They watched him go until he disappeared from their sight, then sighed in unison.
"He knew better." Joanne clucked her tongue in disappointment. "I don't want to take a trip to the hospital again because of terrible indigestion."
Lilac turned and was about to reply to Joanne but found herself speechless when something else grabbed her attention.
"Hey, Joanne?"
"Yeah?"
"Who's that girl kissing Grey?"
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