I tried to escape but was captured by the two men that had me in the back of the van. When I told them that I would escape as soon as I could. They just smiled and said that I was not going back to RAD. I just sat in the corner of the van wondering what would happen to me. One of the men was staring at me. I thought that I could appeal to his kind side and maybe make him understand things so I could be set free.
“ I am not a bad girl.” I started.
“ I know. I was told,” he replied. This answer surprised me somewhat as the general kept telling us that we were the scum of the earth. I looked at him with the best puppy eyes I could and tried to reason with him that if I was not a bad girl, he could set me free. This just made him smile and say that I was a special girl and chosen for special things,
Needless to say, that answer confused me more, so I stopped talking with him. The van had no seats in the back, so I was sitting on the floor and could feel every bump on the road. We were driving for hours and it was getting dark outside. Once in a while, I would ask if we were soon there and the man would say no. I was now sleepy and asked could he take off the handcuffs so I could sleep. The man agreed to do this.
So I slept in the back of the van. When I woke up we were still driving. I figured we were on the other side of the world. I looked out the window and could see we were finally stopping. We were stopped outside a huge warehouse. The only thing I noticed was that it was bricks and there were bars on the windows. I was led inside. I could hardly walk as I was sitting in that van for a bit less than a day!
I was led in and put in a cell. It was just like a cell you see on TV when someone was forced to be in jail. The man said this would be my new home for a while. They left me and I looked around. There was nothing except a bed hanging down from the wall. Then there was a sink in the corner. The first thing I did was to drink some water from the tap. I was so thirsty and hungry. After I drank more than I could, then I just sat in the corner.
There was absolutely nothing to do in that cell. I just stared at the walls and bars and looked at the light coming through the window high up. I found that if I laid on the bed and closed my eyes, I could use my imagination and pretend I was at school or doing the garden. I was sure all this boredom was meant to break me or make me go crazy. I would not let this happen. The general tried to punish me in every way possible and screw with my mind. I survived until now.
It helped when the nurse came. She came with some food and drink or she came into the room to change my diaper. I tried talking with her, but she said that she was not allowed to speak with me. The only time she talked was to tell me to sit on the potty if I did not have to pee, as I still had control there. Another time I asked why the drinks were always in a baby bottle. She answered so it would not spill. Once she gave me a pacifier so I had something to do.
I never got mad at her, as she was the only human contact I had. I even used the pacifier as I thought sucking on it would pass the time away. I could feel that time was going by slowly and I knew that I was slowly going out of my mind. Being alone for most of the time in a confined space with nothing to do was making my mind race and I was becoming more and crazier. I felt like I was breaking. After all, I would never have used a baby's pacifier or used a baby's bottle before this cell. I most definitely never spoke with myself.
When I was about to give up all hope, the nurse came and told me we were going for a walk. I was so happy and giddy that I was finally out of the cell, and talked non stop to the nurse promising that I would be good. She put me in a bathtub and helped me take a bath. I could have done it myself, but I did not want to be alone! After I took a much-needed bath, she brushed my hair and put them in pigtails. A new diaper was put on me and a nightdress.
I was led to an office where the general was. I just stood there as he was writing on his laptop. After some time, he told me that he had something to show me. I looked at the laptop and it was a video of me crawling through the fence. The general then told me that no one knows that I was here. Everyone was told that I ran away and I could not be found.
“When we told your mother, she told us she did not have time to discuss it as she was babysitting her new boyfriend's young daughter. The only thing she said was to let her know if you were found.”
I had to agree with the general when he told me that it did not sound like my mother cared. I noticed she said if I was found and not when I was found. I did not tell the general my thoughts and just stared at him with a blank face.
“RAD has been trying to break that spirit you have and so far you have fought us all the way. You do not know that children are like wild horses. They can be tamed. I promised that you would be tamed. Now I will ask you... do you feel like you will comply with us? Will you comply with the program?”
I just looked at him with a blank face and did not answer him. This seemed to make him mad as he demanded an answer. Would I comply or not? I just looked at him as if he was talking double dutch. I almost felt like laughing as I could see his face get red and redder and it nearly looked like there was steam coming out of his ears.
He told the nurse to put me in the hole. I smiled at him and told him that this was a new abuse and way to torture me. He screamed for me to get out.
I was put back in the cell, but the had the window at the top closed and it was covered. So no light or fresh air came in. I was now in total blindness. At the beginning of this punishment, I had the courage and thought that I had the strength to endure more punishment. Like before, I was totally alone and only had visits when the nurse came with food or to change me.
After a day or so, I was a wreck. I would sit on the floor in a corner terrified as I always hated the dark. I would think that I saw monsters in every corner. I swayed myself back and forth as I tried to keep on to my sanity.
At one stage, I stood up and screamed that this was abuse. I took off my diaper and shouted that I was nearly a teenager, and not a baby. After this outburst, I sat back in the corner and was pleased with myself. Taking the diaper off bought back some pride that I have lost and made me feel in control. Unfortunately, this was short-lived as a few hours later, I wet my clothes. I did not even know that I needed to pee. It just happened. This ordeal made me cry as I continued to sway back and forth.
The nurse explained that I have been wearing diapers so long, that my bladder now had no control. I would need to train it again.
Shortly after the general appeared at the cell. He sat down next to me and was not even mad. He told me he always hated this punishment as being alone in the dark was very hard. I was crying as I could not take any more punishment. The general could see this and put his arm around me.
“I am sorry,” he started, “Since you and I met, I have been very mean to you. I have punished you in so many ways and you are right. It was abuse and torture. I hope that you can forgive me. Let's turn a new leaf and try again. I will not punish you anymore. I will treat you like I would treat my own daughter. Will you give me another chance, and we could make the rest of your stay here as good as possible.”
I was shocked and this sudden apology and promise to be nice made me cry more. I do not know why I did it, but I hugged the general and told him we could try. He then told me that he would take me to a new room.
The new room looked like any girl's room. It had a nice bed and a dresser. The only thing that was odd was that the toys were toddler toys. He asked me if I wanted to sleep in this room. I nodded as anything was better than the dark cell.
The new room was much better, There was even a tv where I could see cartoons. I used a lot of my time watching TV or playing with the toys. I nearly forgot how I used to play with dolls or blocks, but it all came back to me. The general visited me a lot and he was no longer the evil man that he was until now. He would speak with me and even sit on the floor and play with the dolls with me. I no longer was crying. The general even told me that I had a nice smile and he loved it when I laughed.
I asked the general where we were. He told me that he could not tell me that. We were far away from the world that I knew.
I also asked him when I could go home. The general smiled and told me that he had to make sure that my mom wanted me. He told me that he was very doubtful and it would take some more time to find out. If she did not want me, he had an alternative plan. He could not tell me what it was, as I needed more time to adjust. However, he promised me that it would be me that decided if I went home or wanted to do the alternative plan.
The general promised me that I would never go back to RAD.
He even came with a present one day. It was a teddy bear. When he gave it to me, he said that over the last few days, he enjoyed his time with me. He even considered me as if I was his daughter. In fact, he said that he always wanted a daughter like me!
That night I cried in bed. Sure my life was better now. I was not being tortured or abused. I was not that stupid either. Was the general's new form for kindness a form of abuse. Was he really being kind or was he just being kind to screw with my mind? Deep down I thought his kindness was no act.
I think I was crying because I knew that I was finally broken. Sure my body survived the abuse. Did my mind survive? I considered myself broken because I felt unwanted by my own mother and my future was unknown
Was there any hope?
To be continued
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