Despite being locked up in a room where I had no idea where I was and wondering what my future would be like, I was mostly happy. I tried to forget about my friends at home and my mother. I was afraid that if I did remember them, then I would start crying and could not stop. I figured it was better for me to accept things as they were. I could not fight the general and it was important that I kept him happy and kind. I did not want to go back to being tortured and punished.
The general was still very nice. It was like he was a different man than the one that I knew at RAD. He did not want to make my life hell. He talked to me and saw cartoons with me. We would laugh and joke. I did not know why he suddenly was Mr. Nice, but it did help the time go by.
One day he told me that I was so negative when he first met me. I had too much self esteem and confidence. Now it was good to see that those were gone and I have accepted my destiny. I was confused. Were self-esteem and confidence not a good thing? Did he just want me to be submissive? The fact is that I was now living to survive each day and hope each day would be fun. I did not know my future and in a way, I did not want to know it.
The General said it was time for the next step in my program. I was to get a new room to be in. This sort of made me sad, as I had some fun times in this room. I held the general's hand as we walked to the other side of the warehouse. I expected to see the other children that ran away, but the place was empty and mostly looked old and dark.
I got a shock when I saw the new room. It was a nursery! There were a bed and a big crib. There was also a changing table and a playpen. There were lots of teddys and baby toys. The general told me this would be the last room that I would sleep in while I was here.
The nurse came and changed my diaper and put on what looked like a toddler dress. She gave me a bottle of milk and told me that I would be sleeping in the crib.
When she went, I looked around. Why would I be sleeping in a crib when there was a fine bed in the room? Why was I being treated more and more like a baby every day? I decided not to think so much about it. If I protested, I would be put back in the cell or someplace just as bad. One thing I have learned was to make the best out of the situation I was in.
I sat down on the floor and started playing with some blocks that were there. I tried to make a tower that was very big. I remember that I did this when I was a toddler and I was much better than I was at the moment. Still, within no time, I was having fun and it was like time stood still. It's amazing that small wooden blocks could be so fun!
The door opened and it was the General with Noah. He was the boy that befriended me when I first went to RAD until we were all told that he ran away and could not be found. Now he was here. I got to my feet and went to give him a hug. He did not really respond and just stood there like a zombie. This surprised me a bit, as he was my only friend at RAD, and possibly the best friend in the world. Why did he not seem happy to see me?
When the general went, Noah sat down in the middle of the floor. He did not play or anything. He just stared at the wall with a blank stare. I figured that the general broken Noah down so much, that he lost what spirit he had and was now as a zombie. This was sad to look at. I remember when Noah was full of life and hope. Now, this was gone.
I tried speaking with him and told him how I got here. I told how the general punished me all the time and then I ran away from the camp. I was caught and now I was here. I held Noah's hand as I told him that the general was very nice now and spent a lot of time just being with me.
We were getting used to the new room during the next few days. I would sleep in a crib and then my diaper would be changed several times a day. I always had a pacifier in my mouth or was drinking from a baby's bottle. I dressed like a toddler and played like one. For some reason, I accepted that it was best that I was treated like a toddler. I was convinced that I was happier living the life of a toddler. I never really considered that a few months ago. I would have been so mad at the thought of someone treated me as a toddler. I would never have accepted it. I must have changed a lot because as every day that went by, I was becoming more and more like a toddler. I was also thinking and acting more and more like one.
Noah was very quiet at the start. He would just stare at the wall and never say a word. As the days went by, he started to speak a bit more and even smile. He thought that playing with baby toys were boring, but he mumbled that someone should take care of me. He did not tease me that I basically acted and dressed like a baby. He slowly took on the role of a bigger brother. So after a week, he was like the way he was and yet he was different. He was more subdued now and it was like he needed the general. This was a far cry from the Noah that I first met, that wanted to escape and hated everything to do with the camp.
After a week, he told me that he was happy to see me. This made me laugh but I suppose its better hearing it late than never at all. Noah told me that he did not escape. If he did escape, he would have taken me with him. He was sleeping in his small tent when the two men dragged him out and put him in a van. He was brought to the warehouse where they continued punishing him and torturing him. There were tears in his eyes when he said that a body could only deal with so much. After a few weeks, he felt like he was just a shell. It was as if his soul was destroyed.
The worse thing he said is when he found out that his mother signed over custody of him to the general. The general was now his guardian. He was now in tears when he said that it is hard for any child to know that their mother no longer wants them!
The general visited us one day and told me that he had a confession. They put a small speaker in the crib that was turned on when I slept. The speaker kept on reminding me that I was like a baby and would be happy being a baby. I thought this was a strange thing to do, but the general explained that it was called subliminal messaging. The non-stop chatter from the speaker had sunk in my brain and helped me accept my new situation.
I should have been mad at the general, but the fact was that I did feel happy and I did not mind that I was being regressed to a baby. I did not consider if the general tricked me. I just shrugged my shoulder and accepted that this was what I have become and that I was happy.
Noah was confused. When the general went, he asked me did I not even worry why the general wanted me to act and dress like a baby? He reminded me that no girl of my age would accept it. Then he sighed and asked what was happening to us?
That night, I had a strange dream. I was back at school. We were talking about music and boys and how much we hated homework. After school, we went to the mall and looked at some clothes. I really liked the short skirts and the belly tops and thought these would make me look like an adult. We hung around the mall for hours. One of the girls had a cigarette and wanted me to try it. I did not want to look like wimp so tried it and ended up coughing and choking.
Mom was mad when I came home, as I was late. After a bit, she calmed down and I sat on the floor in front of her while she brushed my hair and just chatting. She admitted that when she was a girl, she loved being at the mall and did things that her parents never approved of.
Then I woke up and I was in a small anxiety attack. This dream made me realize that I did love my mother, despite the fact that she seemed to have given up on me and sent me here. I tried to understand why she sent me to RAD. There was a possibility that she just did not know what to do and this was the only solution that she could think of. I tried to convince myself that she sent me here because she loved me and was worried about me. I started crying when I doubted very much that she was worried or even loved me.
It did not help that the general visited the next day. I was sitting on the floor drawing and Noah was taking a nap. The general sat down next to me and told me that he has information about mom. The general visited her and was surprised that most of their conversation was about her new boyfriend and her new stepdaughter. It was only before the general left that mom asked if I was found? She also wanted to know if she had to pay the camp fee because I could not be found.
The general hugged me and asked me if I thought my mom really loved me. He told me that she spoke mostly about her new family as if it was the perfect family and the family that she also wanted. The general mentioned that if she loved me, why would she so worried about the camp fees? Surely she should offer everything she owns that I would be found. The general was certain of one thing. Mom really did not care about me.
When the general went, I sat in the corner and said nothing. I really wanted to cry out loud. It was like that I had no tears left. The nurse came to change me and she even noticed that I was quiet. She told me that it was OK to be sad and at least the pacifier was comforting.
When she went Noah came and sat down next to me. “I heard what the general said. He said the same to me that my mother no longer loved me and no longer wants me. I would not trust the general too much. Do you know all the children that escape from the camp? They end up here. Sometimes I could hear other children. Sometimes they were in the room next to me. The question is where do they go?”
I looked at Noah and said that they most likely were sent home.
“I doubt that,” Noah continued, “Remember that I sneaked a phone call to you and told you we were being sold? I think the general tells all the children here that their parents no longer love them. Most likely, the parents thinks their children are dead. The general then could sell them to some strange factory that has child slaves or some mines.”
“That is foolish. The General has been so nice to us. He is like our parent. He will take care of us!”
“Heidi, you need to think and see reality. If the general loved you like a dad, why would he be slowly changing you to a baby? It is so weird that a girl your age has been regressed so that you are a baby in a big girl's body. If this does not make you think, then ask yourself why we have been locked in this warehouse for weeks. We have not even been allowed out to play and what about our education. If the general loves us, he would not keep us locked as prisoners!”
I did not want to discuss anymore. I told Noah that I needed a nap.
I had another strange dream. I was sent home, but my mother could not see me. It was like I was invisible. My friends came to visit me. They teased that my bedroom was a nursery and I had a diaper on and used a pacifier. They ignored me while they talked about boys, school and music. One girl tried asking me how I could let another person do this to me?
I woke up and Noah said the general was there. However, he forgot to lock the door.
I told Noah that he was right. I was becoming a baby and we were both prisoners. I told him that we had to escape. We could go to the police and tell them everything that happened. The worse thing that could happen would be that we would be sent to a foster home, but at least we should be free and we would be together.
Noah looked at me and told me that I could escape but he was staying here. He admitted that he was broken and had no energy to fight the system. He knew deep down that his mother did not want him and even if he escaped, who would take care of him and love him? No matter how much I tried to convince him, he refused. Noah was defeated and would accept what plans the general had.
I opened the door and peeked outside. There was no one to be seen. So I silently went through the hallways and looked for a way out. Everything looked like it was falling apart and old and it was like a maze. I did not give up hope and in the end, I found the door. Strange enough, that was not locked either.
I walked outside and took a deep breath of the fresh air and could feel the sun on my skin.
I should have run, but just stood there. Where would I go? Even if I did go to the police and was sent to a foster home, would they think I was some freak because I acted like a baby? Who would believe in all the things I experienced at camp and how the general made me a baby. How would I explain that I just let him and did not mind being regressed? I would never have a family that loved me or wanted me. A foster family would be paid to have me and they would think that I was one strange girl!
My mother no longer wanted me. She had her own family now and it was obvious that she did not want me. She thought I was lost in the wilderness around the camp and yet she did not even try to look for me.
I went back into the warehouse with a teary face. I snuck back to the bedroom. When I opened the door the general was waiting.
“You came back,” he said, “The program is finally done and a success. You and Noah are now ready”
To be continued
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