I REMEMBER SITTING IN PLACE FOR HOURS, My tiny little hands just moving in the air high above my head as I tried to draw patterns, shapes, and even spell out words.
I thought it was so pretty, the way it could move and shift, especially in the dark.
And to my luck it was, well, It always was, not that I minded though being that there wasn’t much to look at in the first place because when the lights were on all I had to look forwards too were four boring white walls that never changed, never brought anything good but headaches, sleepless nights, and unwanted company.
So when the lights went out, I blossomed, my imagination ran wild with all of the pictures and Ideas that I could possibly paint In any of my wildest dreams.
But this time around, this wasn’t just my Imagination.
And at first I thought that I was going crazy. That maybe after months of living in the darkness, talking to only myself and going without my medication had finally taken its toll on me as I sat looking at my hands, watching as the deep yellow flame followed in accord.
Anytime that I spread my fingers it did as well, It would separate and flicker until it joined with my fingers once more and no matter how fast I moved it always followed. I flicked my hands as fast as I could, stood up and stun In circles but it never ceased.
As strange and frustrating as it was, I wasn’t scared. Any sane person would have been but I was absolutely captivated, sprung by its beauty and the story it told. I saw pictures in the flames, they danced from the tip of my fingers all the way down to forearms and I heard a song that struck somewhere deep within me, it burned in my stomach for more, I yearned for so much more, like a hundred doses of the strongest drug it tingled on my skin.
It felt so good and I wanted it to consume me, to swallow me whole and take me away. So far from all of the pain and misery, the sleepless nights, and these white walls.
That later lead to my fascination with it, I wanted nothing more than to understand it, to grasp the sudden form of what had became my new reality so that maybe I could use it to my advantage one day.
I hoped, I dreamed, I even formulated a plan that could have possibly worked had my counter parts known a little less, and we’re a little weaker, or maybe if I had just little bit more time.
In seconds my fire was put out with a rush of bright light and a suffocating amount of gasses that caught me off guard.
I tried tonight back but hands on my body let me know that I had already lost, a bag over my head told me to give up, and the restraints being used to restrict my movements crushed my fight.
But even in my captors grasp, a wildfire of intuition and determination bled trough me.
They won’t held me down forever.
This is only the beginning!
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