free!ep 09 thoughts (pro swimmer Haru, Rin’s ties to it, Rin’s light)
(^ that’s literally it. So much happened this episode, but I’m not even going to try touching what Haru went through because I’ve seen such gorgeous meta going around, everyone has already expressed my thoughts better than I could ever hope to. I also won’t bother explaining why I think Haru nor Rin did absolutely nothing wrong during their confrontation because that’s another thing that has been wonderfully tackled on - like here for example).
What I’m going to do instead is write down my every thought about Haru-and-Rin and RinHaru without trying to be unbiased. Because there are some things I haven’t been able to put my finger on yet, so I may as well put on my shipper-hat and follow the proverbial rabbit down the hole lol
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(Just to be clear: these are just my biased thoughts and guesses! I just didn’t want to add an -IMO at the end of every sentence haha)
You know that feeling you get when you have something on the tip of your tongue but you can’t figure out what it is? That’s the feeling I’m getting. It’s like there is a layer of Haru’s psyche that we haven’t gotten to touch yet - and given the way the series has gone so far (including S1) and the teases from the interviews (rin being key in the climax, the upcoming Sousuke/Haru animosity that has everything to do with rin, so on so forth) I can’t help but to think that unexplored layer may as well have a lot to do with Rin. In more ways than one.
One of those ways is that I don’t think it would be reaching to say that, for Haru, - as things were up to this point - the single most positive thing about going pro swimming would be that he would get to keep swimming with Rin.
I mean, we know that Haru has yet to give any weight to his competitive streak with anyone that isn’t Rin; so that’s not positive that would have much weight on him considering pro swimming (as of now). So the only thing left is that going pro would allow him to keep swimming; alas, we also know the kind of thing that Haru is associating with the field (unwanted expectations being pushed on him, pressure, probably even having to leave the comfort of Iwatobi - etc) which are enough to override that positive because if Haru were to swim under those circumstances, then he wouldn’t be swimming freely at all.
So I really do think that it’s possible that up to this point, the possibility to keep swimming with Rin was literally the one (or at least - the main) thing pro swimming had going for it in Haru’s mind.
And that’s just not enough (or well - it could be but it shouldn’t). This is too big of a choice - this is something that would determinate the rest of Haru’s life. This is something that Haru can’t afford to do just based on Rin alone. This is something he has to want for himself, too; and that’s another reason I feel this episode was extremely important because Haru stressed that pro swimming is Rin’s dream, not Haru’s. It's Rin’s future, not Haru’s. Haru would just be following him into them - and as I said, that just wouldn’t work.
Take Haru’s nightmare for example. In it we see everyone not-so-subtly nudging him in the direction of pro-swimming - but Rin is not among them, because the pressure Haru feels on that end comes from something else entirely.
“Look, Haru-senpai! Onii-chan is waiting for you!”
Haru knows that Rin would be waiting on the other side. As a matter of fact, Haru's subconscious envisions Rin doing just that even though Rin had yet to bring it up to him.
In the road that leads to swimming professionally, the one who Haru pictures welcoming him in is Rin - the road away from the dead-end leads to Rin.
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And he is enclosed in light. A light bright enough to be blinding. This is so important, I don’t even know where to begin (but I’ll try to un-knot my thoughts about this later in the post).
Yet when Haru finds himself in the pool, he looks around and Rin isn’t there; he was at the start of the road, he welcomes him in, pulls him forward - but he isn’t there with Haru when Haru has to face the crowd. Instead, Haru finds himself alone and surrounded by wooden mannequins; nameless people he does not care about but that are watching him, measuring him, expecting things from him.
I watched that and all I could think about is that this was excellent imagery of why Haru can’t do this just because of Rin. He has to want it for himself. Because while this would be a road they would embark on together, what would Haru do when Rin isn’t there to race him? When their schedules don’t match? What enjoyment would Haru take out of the whole thing if Rin is his sole reason to be there?
I can’t help but think that Haru knows that. I think that Haru may be acutely aware of it to the point it’s scary, and that’s yet another reason why it was precise to Rin that he ended up venting to.
Another reason is, I feel, what Haru told him: I’m not like you. Rin is the one person Haru knows that has got his future clearly set-out before him; hell Rin has known what he wants to do since Haru knows him. Rin is working hard with a goal in sight and Rin is unstoppable. Like Zakki put it, before someone like Haru - someone who does not know what he wants to do with his future, to the point he even seems to feels he has got none - someone like Rin who has his eyes set firmly on the future “shines” (x).
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(the imagery. the imagery)
Rin is not like Makoto, who is just starting to figure out what he wants to do - someone who has common ground with Haru in that regard. He isn’t like Nagisa nor Rei, who don’t have to bother thinking about such things just yet.
Rin is different from them all and I think right now, Rin’s light may as well be scary to Haru. It’s just too much because it represents things he isn’t ready to face just yet.
And to make matters even scarier - Rin does not let Haru run away. Haru’s “Betsuni” are ineffective because Rin does not take them. Rin prods, and Rin works his way around them; because Rin wants to understand, and Rin needs Haru to talk in order to do so.
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And THEN to top all this off, is the fact that Haru’s emotions seem to heighten when he is faced with Rin. For better or for worse (for better IMO, because Haru keeping all this stuff inside would’ve done him NO good - and he definitely does not need any less good. I’m also willing to bet that this is going to be a fundamental stepping stone when it comes to bringing Makoto to properly talk to Haru about the future) when Haru is strongly feeling something and directs it towards Rin, it just comes flooding out.
So I really do feel like there are a lot of underlying things that we haven’t worked with yet in regards to Haru, and I feel some of those may have had a role in him blowing out the way he did; the pressure was the catalyst, but some of those things were already there, lurking in his mind. They talk about the dreams and future for one, as well as the comparison with Rin.
Back to the possibility of Haru going pro and why I felt this episode was so important for that; the reason is that I feel this laid out on the table the very real, pressing need that Haru has to find a reason of his own to chose that road. Something that may be brought around by Rin - be it directly or indirectly through Sousuke - but that will give Haru enough motivation to want to pursue this for himself. (Hell I even think the imagery of Haru in the pool and looking up at the light ties in with the opening.)
I really do think that Makoto and Sousuke are going to be very important in that regard, but I digress because trying to gather my thoughts into something coherent was hard enough as it is lol
ALSO! Another thing that I find extremely interesting is that Kyoani had Rin and Haru swimming in different heats. Would the pressure have gotten to Haru regardless? Maybe. But I think that there are good chances that it would have been overridden - or at least, countered - by the competitiveness that Rin awakens within Haru.
After all, we have yet to see Haru’s eyes get like this:
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Aside from that race he had with Rin in episode 1. And it’s a VERY stark contrast to the way his eyes looked this episode:
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Though then again, it would have been extremely interesting because Rin would have been swimming for the future and that may have just added to Haru’s own feelings of being lost. Who knows.
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