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/Astra Ward Ending\
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I debated taking the pills if they would truly help. I guess that raises the question how she knows about these. I don't like joy but I feel sorry she lived with this kind of torture. I was abandoned by my parent's but Joy was recreated by her parent's. If Olivia really did thing's similar to what she's doing with me I guess I understand how she is like this. Parent's should love and care for the children they give birth to. I wish that was the case truly.
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Lucky enough I didn't see her for some time which was a blessing. But I was losing track of time inside this place but I guess stress will do that to you. I couldn't help but worry about the next session and about Joy's words. In a different life could we have been friends and had proper homes. It sounds backwards to care for someone you don't like. But I guess you should learn to talk to someone before assuming to hate them. People will always be flawed but we should make the effort at some point. Maybe life would be different if I did things differently and spoke more.
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Some time went by and I was once more in session's. The same aggression in every word she speaks while she makes me tear myself apart inside. I don't want to remember what I did to joy and i don't wanna face the truth about a family I didn't chose. Every session started and ended the same way as the last. She asked questions an found where to strike me, sometimes I managed but most times I didn't. I have become exhausted whatever she is trying to provoke is draining me to keep the anger I feel in check. Some nights I reach under my pillow fiddling with the bag Joy gave me. If I take enough will it all go away I repeated this for a long time as I endured each session. I manage to resist the temptation but I just want to rest.
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During a session she told me I was almost at the end of my time here. Six months come tomorrow i was happy but did i really lose so much time. What's happening to me, in one hand i almost survived but i don't feel happy. On the other i just wanna sleep an not wake up again. Someone please help me i feel I am losing myself here. If you ask for help enough someone will help you eventually. I almost regret asking so many times for help but I'm sure someone will help me at some point right.
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This is the first day of a six month period I still don't feel happy. But another session is what I should focus on, I feel so tired.
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Olivia;" You did well but we still have a couple months left. We should enjoy this time together and truly bring forth your creation."
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Here we go again what more can she say. Nothing really effects me as much. Maybe I am just tired.
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Olivia; " I went to your school."
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Why am I breathing faster and why my school...
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Olivia;" That's a terrible terrified face to give me Astra. I just wanted to know you better after all. You have wonderful friends they had been shocked you could be such an animal. Then they told me about Cait."
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No not Cait don't you dare use her against me. Oh god my visions blurry and my hearts racing what's happening. Calm Astra focus.
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Olivia;" Ah so Cait is something interesting. Are you having a breakdown Astra... hmm I'll make this session quick."
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Someone please help I can't control myself anymore...please leave Cait out of this.
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Olivia;" This Cait gets around school huh I mean you kids need to learn such things but.... Her parent's must be ashamed having a whore for a child. But is that why you clung to her Astra. Fill in the blanks for me why did you fall for someone as repulsive as that. Surely you are smart enough to see this for what it is."
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My body feels light and I can breath normally again. What's happening to me now. My eye's don't feel heavy and I can see clearly. So why does it feel like I'm not in my body anymore.
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Astra; " Tell me Dr Olivia what drives the insanity inside you. Was your mother just as repulsive as you are, surely she made you understand your worth. But then again maybe she broke you and you broke her which sent you spiraling. Tell me Olivia what did you think all the sessions would accomplish."
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Words not my own but my own why am I saying all this. Why can't I control my own body...And why is Olivia showing anger I have never seen so clearly before. But she's angry.
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Olivia; " Found your bite after all Astra unfortunately this is a session about you not me so lets-"
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Astra; "No let's continue because you have no control here anymore. So tell me are you a horrible mother, did you make her dance to your tune as you made her effectively beautiful to your liking. What became of your mother surely you didn't break her as well. Tell me Olivia why are you so angry and so Afraid of my words. When people have something inside of them it often means you shouldn't provoke it without a reason. Let me give you some advice Olivia....If you want to see what lurks inside the darkness you only need to ask. Because if you mention Cait in any way while in my presence. I will show you why I hate having this rage inside of me."
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Me but not me where did this come from and why are my eyes heavy again. Everything was colorful but why does it seem like the colors are fading. I was tired but now I'm more exhausted then before. I wish I could understand what happened and why I could see it all clearly. Olivia was terrified and for once she had no words to say. But i am really sleepy.
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Once I woke up session's went differently. We never spoke about the things I have done or what I don't wanna face. We just talked normally and she never met my eyes just staring into the notepad. Everyday my vision feels more and more colorless but I don't know why and I still can't explain what happened that day. But I guess it's fine I am almost out .....But where do I go when I get out.
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The last remaining months and sessions went by peacefully and I was afraid to ask her why. But I am free so what do i do because I don't have a home anymore. I will never return to that place again. But walking without an idea of where I am going is about all I can do I guess. Yet after walking for so long I found my way to the park and for the first time in a long time I see color....You must never know what happened to me Cait or what I endured you just need to smile...
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Astra; "Cait..."
ns 15.158.61.48da2
