Looking at the house of horrors of which I grew up in, I shake my head knowing I shouldn’t be here. Seven long years of freedom from this place and yet I am right back here, but for a different reason now. My father’s strict military rules are what drove me out of the house at a young age. I wanted a normal teenaged life like the one my friends’ had, I wanted sleepovers, family dinners, family outings, and things like that. However, I never got that until I moved in with Yakira. My mother married my father when I was 7 years old and my older brother Justinian ‘Justin’ was 9 years old. He had high expectations of my mother to wanting her to be a doormat and submit to him in all the ways he wanted, and until she did that, they stayed boyfriend and girlfriend. I am thinking that is when he found out she cheated on him and had me, but I am not sure if that is entirely true.
After they have been married for two years my little sister Chimalis ‘Chichi’ came, then another two years and the last child came, my little brother Lanward ‘Lane’ came. Life was pure hell for us. But, we always had each other’s backs, we would take beatings for each other and take punishments for each other. Justin was the first to leave once he hit 18 years old, like myself, he couldn’t take the strict exercise and rules our father demanded of us.
If we came home with so much as a B on our progress reports or report cards, we would have to run the entire neighborhood nonstop, until he told us to stop. If we didn’t do our chores by the time we got home, we had to do squats against the wall for hours on end. Everything had a punishment to it and depending on our father’s mood that day it would justify what type of punishment we deserved.
I got the worst of it, every little thing I did was considered as disrespectful or being a smart ass towards him. I could look at him sideways and he would say I was rolling my eyes. I ran laps around the neighborhood at two in the morning because the tissue roll in the bathroom was empty. I had to stay in the plank mode for eight hours because he found a permission slip in my book bag that he didn’t sign. I had to twenty jump squats because I got a B on my report card in Math. The most ridiculous one of all time for me was when I was sick with the flu and he refused to believe I was sick and made me do twenty flutter kicks, ten leg pull-ins, and ten air bike crunches until I threw up. He finally realized I was sick for real and took me to the hospital; I stayed there for three days because he didn’t want to do the right thing and thought I was lying to him.
He didn’t do Chichi that way or Lane, I want to believe it was because they were too young, but I do think I know the real reason. He, my father told me the real reason why he treated me poorly. I was not his real child and I was and am too dark to be his child. After that, my whole self-esteem shattered into a million pieces. But, I went on and did my thing to prove to him that I am worth it.
Staring at the house of horrors, a cold chill come over me and I slightly shiver. I know this is something I have to do, my mom needs to talk to me about whatever and I have to be here for her to speak to me. With a sigh and not seeing my father’s car in the driveway, I enter into the house.
“Mama?” I call out. I hear some pots and pans in the kitchen banging together.
“I am in here, sweetie.” My mom says.
I walk into the kitchen and my mom dries her hands on her jeans. “Hey, Aza.” She hugs me and I hug her back. It feels so good to be embraced by my mom. Last time she hugged me was the day she finally got married to dad. She told me that everything will be better for us and we will have everything we want. We never knew how hard it would be to get that.
We take our seats at the dining room table. I look around. “Don’t worry, Azaireyah. He went to work.”
I smile and relax a little. After that stint with him many years ago, I was no longer welcomed here. I couldn’t see my siblings, I couldn’t talk to my mother, I couldn’t do anything without him knowing about it. The only time I saw Chichi and Lane was when I would pick them up from school and drop them off at the corner of the neighborhood. We would talk and laugh, good times.
I sigh, “Are you okay, mama?” I touch her hand and smile.
“I will be. I have to talk to you and your other siblings about this, but I want to talk to you first.”
I straighten up my face and lean back in the chair. “What is it?”
“I am divorcing your father soon.” She shakes her head and then stares into space. “I can no longer deal with his ways and the way he treats me. I am tired of walking on eggshells for him, tired of never being good enough, or doing anything right.” Tears fill her eyes, as she looks my way. “He loves wiping his feet on me every day. It’s not what I wanted.”
“Why’d you stay for so long then?” I want to be angry with her. But, I truly cannot do that.
“Because at some point, I did really love him. The breaking point was when he told you what he told you. I heard him and that truly broke my heart.”
My breath is shallow, “Is it true, mama? Am I not his child?” I lean forward now wanting to know the truth. After all these years, I never got to ask her if it was the truth or if he was just saying that to put me down.
“It is the truth. I cheated on him because he was just so into his work and I felt neglected. I got pregnant and he wanted me to get rid of the baby, but I didn’t want to. He said he would take care of the child in his own way and I was not allowed to interfere with the way he raised you. Little did I know he would treat you in such a way that would break you. But you stayed upbeat and positive,” She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. “Until you got home late for school and he snapped, you left and I felt horrible for even…” She sighs and trails off. “Even letting him talk to you that way. As a mother, I was supposed to protect you and I should have done that, but I didn’t.” She starts whimpering to hold back the stream of tears.
“Mama, it is okay. I understand.” I take her hands and offer a smile.
“No,” She shakes her head frowning and grasping my hands, “it was not okay. After that, we fought day and night. I wanted you to come back and he wanted you to stay away. Overall, I wanted to get out myself. Justin is with his girlfriend, Lane and Chichi are in college. You are working and have your own place. It’s my time to be happy and I feel like this would make me happy. Finally being able to be independent and be my own woman.” She smiles through the tears and squeezes my hands. “I can do this.”
I smile at my mom for finally being able to see this for herself. For wanting more for herself and knowing, that dad isn’t the only man out there. However, the fact that the truth is he is not my real father is bothering me a little bit. I want to know who my real father is.
“Mama, who is my real father?”
Her eyes widen and she sits back, her arms hang by her side. “I was hoping you wouldn’t ask about him. His name is Kincade Da’Jonte Warren and he lives in Atlanta, Ga.”
My eyes shift to the side pondering if I should go see him, but where in Atlanta, Ga. “Do you remember where in Atlanta?”
“No, but I do have his number, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up on him. He isn’t the most reliable person to go to.”
She kept in touch with him all these years. Could she be going back to him? I have so many questions to ask her about him. Why did they break up? What did he have to offer her? What did he look like? She writes his number down on a sheet of paper and slides it across the table to me. I turn the paper around and examine the number. “Alright, thank you mama.” I pocket the paper.
“Thank you for listening to me.” We stand up, embrace each other once more, and I leave.672Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmXTfW6aRL4
