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A/N: This is Meara speaking. This is Iris speaking. This is both speaking.
258Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhxWgwvAfn
I never wanted to be that girl. The one who revealed almost all her skin; who played around with boys and dropped them without a thought. The one who didn't care what others thought and only wanted to experience the sensation of sex. The one who got high off of other's pain. I never wanted to be that girl.
Yet I am.
I stare out the window, eager to forget. To let the pain flow away from me. The whispers that follow me until I feel as if I'm suffocating on the feeling of others. Intercourse hurts and I can feel the soreness of my thighs but I try to forget. I push it away but it lingers, leaving a foul taste in my mouth.
Who was I? The question I repeated to myself, trying to answer it with little to no success. Was I that girl? I remember my dream. I stand on the beach, staring out at the ocean. The waves seem in tune with my heartbeat and I feel completed.
Is that what I'm searching for? Completeness?
"Miss Fionchi, pay attention or get out!'
I look up to the teacher, staring her down. The feeling of hatred spreads in my chest and I ignore it. Standing up, I pack up my books, one by one. I zip up the duffel, sling it over my shoulder, and turn to walk out the door. Before I can take that final step, the one sealing it over, I hear a voice.
Your doing the right thing.
All I can think is that I'm going crazy. I unfreeze and keep walking, heading for the office. The teacher's already called and my parents will be waiting there. Disappointment would show and spread until it's all they can feel.
I've reached the office but I can't bring myself to cross that bridge. To open the door and enter. I can picture the scene clearly. I'll go in and sit, the principal will talk with my parents and remind them that this is the sixty-seventh time this has happened, they'll come out, tell me they expected more this time, and we'll go home. I'll get grounded for a week until it passes.
Don't.
Again, that voice. It sounds rough yet proud. I remember that I started my period just earlier this week. My first one. Did puberty come with schizophrenia, or is this just another point in my fucked up beyond all recognition life?
You're not crazy.
Reassuring myself. I breathe out and prepare myself to enter but, again, something stops me.
Don't.
This is stupid, I tell myself, but I step away from the door. Glancing up and down the hall, I instead head for the main door. It gets hard to breathe as I near it and I feel as if I'm about to curl up and drop dead. Memory after memory of my parents flit through my head until I exit.
Outside.
The air refreshes my lungs and it's easier to breath.
I walk at first. Then I run. Freedom pulses in me and I feel the need to express it. Life means nothing without this freedom.
I am Meara.
I freeze. My name is Iris. Which means I'm schizo. I consider reentering the school but when I turn, I discover that I didn't run a few feet. I ran a few blocks. I can't think for a moment. I could have swore I'd only run for a second.
You are Iris and I am Meara.
I nod once as if to agree with the voice but nothing happens. No reply. I speak next, saying the word "hello". I feel stupid. Really stupid. Stupid enough, I take a detour and make it to the park. It's not really a park. It only has a slide and a ladder. Nothing more. The grounds faded into the woods. They called me and always had.
I ignored them and sat on the ground with my back pressed against the bark of an oak.
I tried to recall everything I knew about schizophrenia and couldn't remember anything other than multiple personalities.
Relax. I told you, your not crazy.258Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4CuevNoAz
I shouldn't trust voices in my head, I thought. I was surprised when an answer came through.258Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdDWKA1rCm
I'm not just a voice. I'm.... It'd be better if I showed you.258Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnrgc9vxBA
Show me what?258Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsvdzLX137
Relax and think of the woods. The river. The rocks.258Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtTiwJIV3Z
I did as Meara commanded and slowed my breathing. I thought of the woods and the river and the rocks. I thought of running and swimming. Of flitting through the woods. Then the pain started.258Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5h4cvA7jwj
It was a sort of scratch. Like everything in me was itching and I couldn't scratch it. Then it became unbearable. I felt as if I was being torn apart. My skin was on fire, my mouth a sauna. And then it all stopped.
I tried to curse but all I could hear was a growl. Unnerved, I took a step. And saw a paw. It was covered in black fur with mean looking claws. I turned around and moved over to my bag where I took out a mirror and threw it on the ground.
I was a wolf.
Not just any wolf.
I was a black wolf.
I also felt something strange. Meara and I were one in this form. Coming together. I blinked and saw amber eyes blink. Thoughts ran through my mind but I didn't bother to focus on them. I was a wolf!
I turned to the forest with an urge to run but my mind went to my parents. As much as I hated them, they deserved an explanation. With a small growl, I pulled my humanity out of where it had been hiding and felt the mind-numbing pain once more.
It will get easier with time.258Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrnLkkBnpQk
I grinned at the sound of Meara's voice. Whereas a second ago I thought I was going crazy, now I was cool with her voice. It made no sense but I didn't care. What I did care for at this moment was my lack of clothes. I crouched and saw the torn clothes sitting on the ground. The jeans were in pretty good shape with only a tear at the knees where I grew an extra joint.
I threw it on and grabbed a cardigan out of my duffel. I threw the mirror and ruined shirt into the bag and slung it on my shoulder, It nearly went over my head.
We'll train you up. Take care with your strength, speed, and senses for now.258Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1qLzlQtxu6
I trusted Meara so I nodded and made my way down the sidewalk, heading for home.
Or prison, the way I saw it. I remembered a phrase and Meara and I said it at the same time.
Fear starts with a lie. Lies come from fear. End the cycle by letting go of your fear and refusing to tell your lies.258Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6EBiXIImED
