After Nicolas leaves, we go to the hospital to say goodbye to Chad who has to leave the next day for Philadelphia. Nina accompanies us. I am surprised by her determination when she kisses him as she leaves, her face is dignified, devoid of the tears that I so feared. She recommends him to be strong, to come back as soon as possible, and Chad listens attentively, nodding his head. It's strange to me to see that, despite her young age, my sister seems to have influence over him. Jessy confirms that we will go see him in Philly soon, and when we leave Chad he is reassured to know that we are already waiting for his return with, we hope, an improvement in his health.
The next day is the start of vacation, my parents go to work like every morning. Mid morning, Nina comes to see me to tell me that she is going to meet some friends, she will not return until the end of the day. I find myself alone at home. With a small smile, I phone Jessy. Then I go to my room, where I open the double bottom of my jewelry box. Keys in hand, I go to Nick's apartment, taking care that no one in the neighborhood sees me. I'm a little nervous waiting for Jessy to arrive. It's been over two months since we last shared an intimate moment and it feels like it's been forever. I grab a novel that Nick has placed on the coffee table and start reading until a click comes from the lock. Carefully, Jessy enters, closing the door twice behind him. I rush into his arms.
— Hey, he says before kissing me. I don't know about you, but I'm scared at the thought of us getting caught.
We walk to the couch where we sit. I think to myself that I am surely not the only one to feel intimidated by the presence of others.
— We fear nothing. My parents are at work, Nina is at one of her friends' houses, as for me, I'm supposed to spend the day with you at the lake.
— Ah good ? Jessy is surprised with a smile.
— Well yes, you don’t know ? You wanted to go paint there, so I accompanied you.
— Very good alibi, I'll have to draw the lake now...
— Let go. My father won't go so far as to ask to see your painting. Well, I don't think so... Jessy raises his eyebrows.
— I'll make a sketch anyway, just in case...
— Has your mother come home ?
— Oh yes, he replies with a mixture of coldness and relief. She came back last night.
— Did it go wrong ?
He wakes up. From the way he clenches his jaw, I can tell he’s tense.
— It depends on how you see things. My stepfather asked my mother to come back and live with him.
I widen my eyes in surprise. I don't want him to move back to Allentown. I can't bear to be separated from him.
— As long as I don't live with them !
— What ? No, but… that’s not possible !
— Oh you !
He turns his back on me. I understand that this affects him more than he wants to admit. I stand up to hug his waist and place my chin on his shoulder.
— And what did your mother say ?
— She filed for divorce !
I breathe in relief. Jessy places his hands on mine.
— I feel guilty... Without me, she would be happy with him at this time. I feel like I'm ruining his life. Yet part of me is so relieved at the thought of never seeing this guy again.
— I understand what you mean, but you don't have to feel guilty. You have nothing to do with it if Elise married a big idiot ! Now she has made the best choice possible. You are so much better than this guy. He's the loser in the story, not you ! Your mother deserves better than a man who says such nonsense to her, I asserted forcefully.
Jessy turns to me with a small smile.
— How do you always have the words that cheer me up ?
— I know who you are, that’s all.
We return to sit on the sofa.
— My mother is going to ask for custody of my brother. And of course, since I'm a walking danger, my father-in-law will object. This will be resolved in court in a few months.
— And Elise, how does she react to all this ?
— Oh, you know her, she puts on a good face and says it's the best, but I heard her crying last night.
— She'll get over it quickly, don't worry.
— You really believe ?
— You can't mourn such an idiot all your life !
Leaning towards me, Jessy's lips brush mine in a soft kiss. I put my hand on the back of his neck to bring him closer to me.
— How much time do we have ?
I glance at the clock which reads a little past 11 o'clock.
— I would say until about 6 p.m.
— Great, Jessy said, grabbing my hand to guide me to the bedroom.
I feel feverish to find myself alone with him after all these
weeks. But when his mouth takes possession of mine again, our tongues feasting on each other, all fears disappear. I need him, want to touch him, to satisfy myself with his body that I desire so much. Jessy interrupts our kiss to take off my t-shirt before taking my lips again. Moans of pleasure escape our throats, increasing the passion. My God how I love this man. I slide my hands under his sweater and take it off, when I reach for the waistband of his jeans, my boyfriend pulls away from me.
— Wait, I'll be right back.
He goes into the bathroom to put on a condom. Our respective shyness amuses me and sharpens my desire. I finish undressing and slip between the sheets. Jessy comes back simply wearing his boxers and lies on top of me. Like the previous times, my legs spread so that he positions himself in their center. Resting on his forearms, my lover takes possession of my mouth with ferocity before descending on my neck then on my chest. When his lips take turns kissing my breasts, I throw my head back and moan. My hands caress his back, his shoulders. His hand slips between my thighs, his thumb rubbing circles on my clit. I feel myself drifting and hold on tighter to his body to keep from capsizing. Jessy lifts his face to gaze at me, his eyes burning with a wild glow I've never seen in him before.
— You trust me ? He whispers, stopping all gestures.
My ideas are confused, I don't understand where he is coming from but I have no doubt about my faith in him.
— Of course.
He gives a satisfied smile before tickling my clitoris again. A moan of pleasure chokes in my throat. Jessy's lips land on mine, immediately our tongues caress each other again in throbbing movements. It is at this moment that I feel one of his fingers slip inside my wet sex. A wave of pure delight lifts me and I throw my head back on the pillows, tightening my embrace around his body. Jessy's finger moves in and out of me while his thumb circles my clit. My hips rise reflexively and meet him, following the rhythm of his movements. My breathing is ragged, I’m nothing but screams and moans. When Jessy's mouth takes hold of one of my breasts, I can no longer hold it and come, screaming with pleasure. I have never experienced such a moment of abandon and enjoyment. It takes me a few minutes to come back to earth. When the stars left my eyes, I discovered Jessy lying next to me who smiled at me, visibly proud of himself. Without thinking, I grab his mouth and flip him onto the bed, straddling his thighs. I grab his swollen penis, the heart of which I feel throbbing between my fingers, and perform on him the gestures he had shown me in New York. His penis hardens again in my hand and his pelvis begins to follow my movements. My mouth sprinkles languorous kisses on his face, his neck and his chest. Soon, I stand up and with my second hand take hold of his testicles which I caress and weigh. Jessy sighs heavily, clutching the sheets in his clenched fists. I run my thumb over his glans.
— Meg… I’m not going to last much longer, he moaned between broken breaths.
I leave his balls and lean over him, running my thumb over the head of his cock again as my lips land on his and my fingers caress his cheek. I swallow his cry of pleasure when he lets go into the condom.
I fall back onto my side, just as satisfied as him.
— It was worth the two month wait, he sighs, looking at me a few minutes later.
His eyes sparkle with happiness and I'm sure mine are not left out. There is no doubt, we are addicted to each other.
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This spring break is wonderful. We have a freedom that intoxicates us. As my parents work all week, we can meet up at any time of the day. Usually, once Nina goes out to see her
friends, I sneak over to Nick's apartment where Jessy joins me shortly after. We spend hours there loving each other, talking, dreaming, making plans for the future, imagining that everything will always work out for the best. We rediscovered the complicity that united us in New York and which we had to put on hold when returning to Millisky. When we see the end of the afternoon approaching, we leave the apartment, take Jessy's car and go for a walk, pretending to come back after spending the day outside. My parents then came back from work and suspected nothing. I don't like lying to them like this, but what else can I do ? I know that sooner or later I will have to tell them that my boyfriend and I are past the kissing stage, but now is not the time. I know what consequences this will have, and I am not ready to face them. Jessy doesn't tell me anything about it, he lets me handle it my way, which I'm grateful for.
Unfortunately, vacations don't last forever. When after two weeks we start classes again, I would like, for once, to stay at home. Seeing Jessy's face, I understand that I'm not the only one who misses these days off. Between two lessons, he approaches me and whispers in my ear :
— 22, 23, 24 and 25.
— What ?
He stares at me with a small smile before repeating the same numbers.
— Sorry to disappoint you, darling, but I still don't understand.
— OK, and if I tell you next month, he continues enigmatically.
I widen my eyes in surprise.
— New York ?
He nods.
— Departure on the 22nd after classes, return on the 25th in the evening, does that suit you ?
In response, I throw my arms around him frantically.
— I take that as a yes, he said, laughing. I'm going to call Nick this evening to see if that's okay with him.
Of course, Nicolas agrees. Like the previous time, he takes care of all the details so that all we have to do is arrive. As Jessy regularly repeats :
— What would we do without him ?
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That's also the question I ask myself as Jessy and I sit at my brother's apartment discussing our trip. We leave in two days and only have New York on our minds. Since school started again, we have less free time and hardly ever come above the garage. But this afternoon, we finished classes early, my parents were not at home, we wanted to be quiet.
— I wonder which girls Nick will introduce us to this time? And you will notice that I said girl in the plural ! Jessy jokes.
We are sitting on the sofa, I am leaning against my lover. We interlace our fingers in one direction then the other.
— If we laugh as much as last time, it will work !
Suddenly, an engine noise attracts our attention. I stand up, look between the lowered blinds to see, with horror, my father's car pulling into the driveway. I whisper :
— My father !
In no time than it takes us to say it, we get up and rush to Nick's room which is located at the back of the apartment. There, in the semi darkness, we wait, our hearts beating a thousand miles an hour, for John to leave.
— What is he doing there ? Jessy asks in a low voice, staring at the bedroom door as if my father might walk in at any moment.
— I don't know at all... Maybe he forgot something ?
Not daring to look at the window again, I sit cross legged in the center of the bed. I guess my dad must be right below us, in
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the garage, rummaging through his tools. Jessy remains standing, all senses alert.
I whisper :
— Relax ! Need I remind you that he can't come in here.
I grab his hand and squeeze it gently.
— Yeah, that’s true.
He sits on the bed, but remains worried and stares at the door. I walk over to him and put my arms around his shoulders.
— Don't you think this situation has a very romantic side ?
— If we get caught, it will be much less so, I assure you !
— There’s no reason for us to get caught, I whispered, kissing his neck.
He throws his head back, I take the opportunity to continue kissing him.
— Do you really think it’s time ? He groans, falling onto the bed despite everything.
In response, I shrug my shoulders and lie down, holding out my hand, inviting him to join me. He grabs my fingers before lying on top of me. Leaning on his elbows, he caresses my face with tender gestures. I reach out to take off his denim jacket, but my hand hits the bedside lamp which falls heavily to the floor with a thud. Immediately we exchange panicked looks while freezing. Suddenly, the romance and excitement left us. It gets worse when we hear my father coming up the stairs and then turning the doorknob. Fortunately we always have the reflex to lock it behind us and not leave anything lying around in the main room which is half visible from the blinds on the door. I imagine my father trying to peer through the glass door, looking for the source of the noise he heard. After seconds that seem like hours to us, we hear it coming back down. Not daring to make the slightest movement, we can only guess what he is doing. A few more minutes pass and then we hear the engine of his car start. However, it still took us several minutes before we dared to go to the window to see if he had really left. When we
are sure that he has gone away, we leave the apartment to spend the rest of the afternoon at Jessy's, where the fear that had invaded us gives way to great bursts of laughter of relief .
— I think we'll wait until we're in the Big Apple to talk about romance, Jessy concludes.
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— It's nice to see you again, says Nick as we set foot on New York soil.
He waits for us on the sidewalk in front of his house. He has kept his skin golden from the Florida sun, highlighted by the white shirt he wears over black pants. His hair is a little longer and now falls in thin strands on his forehead, which suits him very well. I suspect that with this look, girls must be jostling even more in front of his door.
As usual, he gives us a big hug and smiles.
— If you want to leave your luggage, you know the way to the hotel now.
Nick accompanies us. With joy, we notice that he has reserved the same room on the top floor for us as the previous time. Then we go to his house where, like last time, he takes beers out of his refrigerator. Before opening mine, I call my parents to let them know that we have arrived safely.
— So much the better, said my father, reassured. Can you pass me Nicolas ?
I hand the receiver to my brother.
— Hey, dad, he says, cheerfully.
The silence that follows lets us know that my father is speaking.
— Yes, yes, everything is very good. We're a little cramped, but for a weekend away from time to time, it's perfect.
My brother lies so easily that I almost believe it myself.
— Ah good ? A noise in my apartment ? When ?
Nicolas looks at us, incredulous.
— The day before yesterday, he continues, echoing my father.
He brandished a threatening fist as he stared at us, before dropping it in front of our crumbling faces.
— No, I don’t see… Ah, maybe it’s my pile of books that fell in my room.
— Did the noise come from my room ? (Nick taps his forehead, looking at us in turn.) Well, that must be it then. You know how I am, I read books that I stack next to my bed until everything falls apart.
He covers his eyes with his hand.
— Yeah, I know, Dad, I should be less serious, but what do you want, I'm like that !
Faced with this enormous lie, we cover our mouths with our hands to avoid bursting out laughing.
— Yes, don’t worry, I’ve got my eye on them ! Good evening too, I kiss you.
With an abrupt gesture, Nicolas hangs up the phone.
— Oh shit ! What bullshit are you not making me say ! He accuses us seriously before bursting out laughing. I'm going to change my path to become an actor, I think. So, what's this noise that Dad heard ?
— We were in your apartment when he arrived in the middle of the afternoon. We immediately took refuge in your room to avoid him seeing us and I dropped your bedside lamp, I explained .
— And of course, you were only in my room to hide ? Mischievously slips my brother. Damn, let me know next time I have time to invent a better story than the one in the books !
— Sorry, Jessy whispers.
— It’s okay, no one died. And then you heard, it’s my fault, I’m too serious ! Nick smiled before taking a sip of beer. So, with that, what do you want to eat tonight ?
— I spotted a Chinese restaurant in the neighborhood, would you like me to go get some takeaway ?
Jessy asks.
— Perfect, but wait, darling, we’ll come with you.
Jessy gets up, takes his wallet from his jacket and slips it into the pocket of his jeans.
— No, it is going to be fine. Should I take an assortment of everything so that we can share ?
— Perfect, my brother repeats. Thank you my friend !
Jessy slips away, leaving us alone. Nick takes a seat next to me, seeing his concerned look, I understand that a discussion awaits me.
— What ? I said, a little exasperated by his silence.
— It’s been a while since you told me anything about the two of you, that worries me. Either it’s because things are going very well or very badly.
— Sorry, but it's not easy talking to you with the parents behind me every time I call you. I assure you, everything is fine.
— Has Jess gotten over his soon to be ex-stepfather’s stupidity ?
— Did he talk to you about it ?
Nicolas gives me his little smile that is so familiar to me.
— It’s true, you talk a lot between guys, I remember. I think he seems to be doing it pretty well. To tell the truth, when he told me about this guy's comments, I thought he was going to collapse at being rejected again, but no... I wouldn't go so far as to say that it wouldn't didn't do anything to him, but I think he knows we're here for him. He is no longer alone.
— Yeah, I think so too. But still this guy, what trash !
— Oh yes ! However, I am relieved to know that once the divorce is finalized, Jessy will no longer have anything to do with this guy.
— Okay, and now that we're between ourselves, is this bedside lamp story true ?
Nick scrutinizes me, I feel myself blushing.
— Come on, I’m your big brother, you can tell me anything, he insists with the utmost seriousness.
I take a sip of beer.
— I told you the truth.
— Honestly, when I replied to Dad earlier, I thought that at that moment you were in full action.
In front of his piercing eye, I add :
— Not really. OK, I'll tell you. We were on your bed, but nothing happened.
— You’re not going to tell me that you still haven’t…
— Nick, stop ! This is embarrassing, dammit ! I ask you how many times a week you do it !
— Oh well, I would say it depends on the week, but between five and ten times !
— That much ?
My brother winks at me.
— Yes, what do you think ? He adds, laughing. And you, still not ?
I cover my face with both hands, I feel my cheeks reddening so much.
— We have not gone beyond the stage of caresses.
— What ? Since February ?
Unable to speak, I nod as I take another sip.
— You want that…
— No thank you, but definitely not ! I thank you for everything you have done for us so far, honestly without you... I don't know where we would be. But I know Jessy, I don't want your speeches to block him further.
— It worked last time, Nicolas reminds me.
— It's true. However, this is different. His HIV status blocks a lot of things. We must always be careful, even if only when we exchange kisses. For example, every time we kiss passionately, I always make sure not to bite his lip, so that it doesn't bleed.
Nicholas sighs.
— I never thought about all that.
— Me neither, not until I met Jessy.
— But you love him ?
— Over all.
— Tell me, if Jessy wasn’t sick, how do you think things would work out between you ?
I take a moment to think before answering :
— This is a situation I never thought about. I have always known him to be HIV positive and, unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to change that. His illness has nothing to do with my feelings for him, although obviously it would be easier if he didn't have this virus. But I love him for the person he is. This is why I think it is up to me to reassure him in our relationships, because ultimately it is me who takes the risks.
So who better than me can know how far to go ?
I look at my brother and burst out laughing.
— My God, I can’t believe I’m talking about sex with you !
At this moment, Jessy returns with two bags containing the meal.
— What were you talking about ?
I take another sip.
— About how babies are made, my brother admits with an amused smile.
I burst out laughing, all the beer I had in my mouth splashing onto his white shirt.
Nicolas gets up groaning, while Jessy and I burst out laughing.
— Ugh, I thought you were past the age of drooling over me! Nick says, wiping the fabric which is stained with brown droplets.
— I’m really sorry, I apologize, I said, laughing until I cried. I'll buy one for you, I promise !
— Well, forget it. It's just a shirt after all.
He gives me a wink that doesn’t bode well before continuing:
— Jess, she’s in too good shape, you really need to tire her out tonight !
I lunge at my brother, but he starts running, and like the kids we once were, we chase each other into his studio. However, as the apartment is small, I don't take long to catch up, but Nicolas hasn't said his last word and throws the rest of his beer in my face. I stop immediately, stunned. Nick laughs at me and laughs. Jessy looks at us one after the other, an amused smile on his face. He seems to wander between his thoughts and the studio.
— If you children have finished playing, perhaps we could go to the table ? He suggests without losing his smile.
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— It was a really great night, Jessy tells me as we enter our room.
In front of us, the large bay windows, which have already become familiar to us, offer us a breathtaking view of the city lit by a thousand lights.
— I love being here. With you and Nick all three in this city, it feels like home.
My boyfriend kisses me on the forehead.
— I'm going to the bathroom.
He takes his things.
I know he finished his treatment for anemia a few days ago, just looking at him I can see he is in better shape. His latest analyzes are good from what he told me. He does not go into details, but agrees to keep me informed of what is happening to him, which is already progress in my eyes. However, he always has the reflex to go to another room to take his treatment. This tends to annoy me, because I would like to share everything with him, including his care.
When he comes out of the bathroom, I go in too. I take a shower to get rid of the last drops of beer that are still stuck to my skin and my hair. Then I put on an old gray T-shirt that belonged to my brother in another life and that hits me mid thighs. It's strange that despite everything we've shared, we still feel shame about showing ourselves without our clothes. However, I no longer feel embarrassed about leaving the bathroom. As I walk back into the bedroom, I see that Jessy has changed into gray pajama bottoms and a black tank top. The bedroom ceiling light is off, however with the city lights, the room remains dim. Like the previous time, I watch the shadows outside ripple on the ceiling and on the walls, drawing strange shapes on us and the objects around us. Jessy lies with his arms behind his neck, staring at the ceiling. As I approach, his gaze breaks away from the dancing shadows to rest on me. Despite the darkness, it troubles me. I slide to my side of the bed then turn to face him. He faces me, tucking a strand of my still damp hair behind my ear.
— Are you tired ? I ask him.
Leaning on his elbows, he climbs up to me and kisses me voluptuously.
— In your opinion ? He replies, smiling.
I lie down on my back, Jessy lies on top of me, remaining supported on his hands so as not to crush me with his weight. I grab his face and kiss him, pulling him closer to me. How I waited for these nights when we would finally be alone again. Our instinct quickly takes over and soon we find ourselves naked, gently caressing every part of our bodies until overcome by desire, we fall back panting on the bed. As usual, my boyfriend goes to take a shower, shaking out his wet hair as he comes back to splash me and laughs. When he pulls back the sheets to come back and lie down next to me, I feel completely happy. He takes me in his arms and pulls my old T-shirt, which I put on again, up to my waist.
— I want to sleep feeling your skin against mine, he whispers to me, resting his head in my neck, while his hand rests on my stomach.
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I wake up at dawn this Saturday morning. I feel Jessy's steady breathing behind me. One of his hands is casually placed on my arm. I don't want to sleep anymore, but I don't want to get up either. I think about my conversation the day before with my brother. Like many people, including myself before, he never suspected what my boyfriend's illness meant in daily life. It's normal, to see him, you would never believe him to be carrying a deadly virus. Mortal, the word makes me shudder. I look away from the windows to gaze at his angelic face. I grab his hand and intertwine our fingers as if to better hold him close to me. Sometimes the anguish of losing him is so unbearable that I can barely breathe. Just thinking about it makes me feel suffocated by the pain, but I keep these emotions to myself. It's a secret that I can't share with him, he already has enough things to deal with. I see him blink and then slowly open his eyes.
— Are you awake yet ? He is surprised.
He looks at me more attentively, seeming to read me.
— Okay, what is it ?
He sits up in bed and rubs his face to wake up.
— Nothing.
I lie to him.
He falls back onto the pillows and searches my eyes, searching for an answer.
— There is nothing. I just thought these moments we are together go by too quickly. I wish these moments would never end.
— It’s funny, but that’s exactly the thought I had last night when we were with your brother. I was watching you having fun and thinking how lucky I am to have you. Especially when I compare your family to mine where chaos reigns... He huffs in exasperation.
— But Jessy... (I lean over him.) You don’t understand yet? You are an integral part of our family.
He raises his eyebrows in astonishment.
— I assure you. I've already discussed it with Nick, he agrees with me. He considers you his little brother, you know?
— Really ?
A smile appears on his face, chasing away the dark thoughts that had surfaced.
I nod.
— Well obviously, Nicolas is a bit of a crazy brother, but he would do anything for you, like for Nina or me. Did you think everything he did to help us was only for me ?
— Well yeah... I thought he adored you and would bend over backwards for you.
— That's true in a way, but when I was dating Chad, he never lifted a finger to help me. He listened to me, advised me, but that stopped there. Whereas with you... Look where we are, this hotel alone wouldn't have done it for Chad.
— Can you stop talking about your ex, please ? When you tell me that, I think I see you in bed together.
I fall back on my pillow laughing, and confess to him :
— I've never had this closeness with anyone before.
Jessy leans towards me, and his lips brush mine before he grimaces at me.
— What ? I said, disconcerted.
— I was thinking that if I'm part of your family and Nick is my brother, that makes you my sister ! I can't go out with my sister !
I grab my pillow and shout in his face, laughing :
— You are stupid !
In response, he throws his to me which I throw back to him following. I miscalculated my move, because he found himself armed with the two cushions which he threw on my head with a burst of laughter. I fall back on the bed, he lies down on top of me, his smile fades when he says in all seriousness :
— You are my wife.
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At lunchtime, we found Nick in front of the hotel, he suggested we go to the restaurant. During this stay, we don't want to run everywhere like during our previous visit, but rather to spend time just the three of us walking around and laughing.
— To us ! Jessy says, raising his glass of lemonade.
We found a little French restaurant down an alley in Manhattan.
The establishment is hidden behind a garden transformed into a terrace where we have a leisurely lunch in the shade of a few trees and parasols which shade the place. It’s one of those secret places that New Yorkers love, and their presence cannot be denied on this day. We enjoy the sun as well as the heat which begins to warm the environment without it becoming stifling.
We resume the toast in unison before tasting the freshness of our glasses.
— And I’m warning you, order what you want, I’m the one who pays.
— No way, Jess, you already paid for the Chinese last night, this time it’s for me, my brother intervenes.
— No, the bill is mine, I said in turn.
— It’s out of the question, says my boyfriend, it’s for me. And I don't want to hear any more objections.
Nicolas takes a look at the prices displayed on the menu.
— Did you win the lottery ?
It is true that prices are higher than what we are used to spending ordinarily.
— No, I inherited it, replies Jessy.
At this moment, I think I see a strange look exchanged between the two men, but a few seconds later, my lover speaks again as if nothing had happened.
— My father, my real father, who died when I was a kid, took out life insurance that I received recently. So, I have the means to invite you.
I am speechless.
— Gosh, you’re going out with Croesus ! Nick jokes, looking at me.
— I assure you, I’m not that rich, adds Jessy, smiling.
— When did you know ?
I'm intrigued that he didn't tell me about it sooner.
— My mother said a few words to me about it on my birthday, but frankly I didn’t believe it. And then when she went to visit her husband last month, she went to see the executor who did what was necessary. The check was deposited into my account yesterday, just before we left. I wanted to surprise you by inviting you to a restaurant to celebrate, even if celebrating isn't really the right word.
Nicolas smiles while I remain more reserved. I'm happy for Jessy, but I don't understand why he always hides something from me. He realizes this, because he leans towards me and whispers in my ear :
— You're not going to blame me for that ?
I stare into his transparent green eyes where the sun's rays reflect and smile at him.
— Of course not.
After the meal, we walk the streets for a few hours, stopping from time to time to have a drink on the terrace of a café. The weather is hot and humid for May, as if the sky had a storm in store for us. Then, when we are too tired to explore other avenues, we decide to go to the cinema to see Basic Instinct before returning to dinner with Nicolas.
— It was... a hot movie, Jessy debriefs.
— Burning, you mean ! Did you see this hot cross leg ! Exult my brother, biting his fist.
— If I bother you, I can leave you.
I curl up on the sofa.
— It’s okay, don’t sulk, Nick replies.
— I'm not sulking, I'm cold. Jessy, can you give me the hotel key, I’ll go get a vest.
The temperature, which was so hot during the day, suddenly fell as the day set.
— You don’t want me to go ?
— No, stay with Nick, I'll be back in five minutes. Have you seen if he’s nice ? I say to my brother who is watching us. You should take an example from him !
— I'm always nice to my girlfriends... Well, almost always... And only with those who deserve it !
Abandoning the boys, I return to the hotel. The humidity increased further with the night, as did the freshness. There is a heavy atmosphere in the street and I am glad that our accommodation is not further away. Once in our room, I grab the first sweater lying around before returning to my brother's house, warmed up. When I enter the studio, I have the feeling of cutting a conversation short. Jessy and Nick, each at opposite ends of the room, observe each other like two friends who share a secret.
— As you wish, Nicolas grumbles, staring at my companion.
— What is happening ?
I take my place next to Jessy.
— Nothing at all. I just want to go see a football match.
— I'll see if I can get tickets for tomorrow's, Nick add.
Jessy puts an arm around my shoulders, looking at my brother, and I'm sure they're both hiding something from me.
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A day, a match and karaoke later, we return to our room. It's our last night in New York for a long time. In a month, Nicolas will return to spend the summer in Millisky, he will take back the keys to his apartment. Jessy and I won't have any more private time until the start of school in September. Lying in each other's arms, we review the day we have just had.
— Nick made us laugh again this evening ! My God, I never imagined that someone could sing so out of tune ! Jessy laughs.
— But even when he sings like a pan, he manages to flirt. My brother is amazing ! I loved this karaoke bar, the atmosphere was magnificent !
— For me, this match was great ! Even if our team lost.
— They will do better next year. For my part, it’s more the fact of leaving tomorrow that upsets me.
He slides his face into my neck.
— You know, I was thinking that in a month there will be our high school prom. Maybe for this occasion your parents would accept that you sleep with one of your friends ?
— I don't see why I would go and sleep at Pearl's house or another of my friends' houses.
Jessy stands up to face me.
— I didn't say that you would go to sleep there, I only claimed that your parents would perhaps agree to you going there.
— What are you up to ? I asked him with a smile.
— The ball is going to end late... I was thinking that maybe we could have booked a room in a hotel in town. As during the summer we will no longer have the keys to Nick's apartment, this will be the last night we will be able to spend together for a long time. Each of us could say that we sleep elsewhere, so we would be peaceful, he adds with a mischievous smile.
I take the same tone to reply to him :
— That would be possible, but I don't know yet if I'm going to go to the ball. My boyfriend still hasn't invited me to go with him.
— Oh, he forgot ?
I nod.
— And if he asked you, would you say yes ?
I glance at the ceiling where the shadows are swept by the wind.
— I don't know…
Jessy growls and starts tickling me, I squirm in every direction as we laugh until we lose our breath.
— Will you come with me ? He questions from time to time between two tickles.
Out of breath, I give in as he lies on top of me.
— Yes, I will go with you, but please stop, I will suffocate.
There are moments like that when we forget everything. The teenagers we should have remained take over the responsibilities we face on a daily basis and we become two carefree kids again who only think about having fun.
Leaning on my elbows balanced above me, I see the spark of desire rekindle in his eyes.
— Why do you always get dressed afterwards ?
Shortly before, we shared another intimate moment and, as always, I put my panties back on as well as my old T-shirt while he took a shower.
— It suits you well to say that, Mr. I never take off my underpants ! I teased him.
I feel Jessy's hand slide down my hip until I find the elastic of my panties. The contact of his fingers on my skin thrills me, he feels it and gives a satisfied smile.
— And that what is it ?
I pull his face towards me to kiss him.
— I will be back.
He goes back into the bathroom to put on a new condom.
When he comes back, his body clings to mine. With his slender fingers, he follows the curves of my body, letting me drift somewhere between dreams, reality and fantasies.
— What if we tried to go further ? I suggest as his lips travel down my neck.
Jessy suddenly stops and looks at me.
— You would ?
I nod in agreement.
— Not you ?
He drops down next to me.
— Of course it is, but…
— … you’re scared.
— It's only been a few months since I started to regain my self confidence, I don't want to rush things. I prefer that we take it slowly. Are you mad at me ?
Resting his head on one elbow, he turned towards me, watching for my reaction. I lean towards him and my lips brush his while I caress his bare chest with my hand.
— Of course not. Only the day you feel ready, know that I agree.
— You have no apprehensions ?
I shake my head.
— I have every confidence in you and no doubt that everything will go well.
— I wish I was as sure as you !
He falls back onto his pillow. I lie down on him and curl up against this body that I desire so much and this heart that belongs only to me. Jessy flips me onto the bed.
— You’re driving me crazy, he growls into my neck before we quell the fire that’s devouring us.
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It is with heavy hearts that we leave Nick and New York on Monday afternoon. Back in Millisky, life returns to normal. Jessy and I are extra careful the rare times we find ourselves in my brother’s apartment. The fear of getting caught replaced the excitement of seeing us. We followed Nicolas's advice by overturning the pile of books next to his bed to ensure an alibi if my father were to go upstairs at the same time as my brother when he returned for the summer.
— Can you come over to my house this evening ? Jessy asks me during lunch break. I need to talk to you.
I've found him worried since he arrived at school that morning. We are two weeks away from the end of year prom and the school holidays, everything is going well between us, he doesn't seem to have any health problems. Yet when I scrutinize his face which does not bode well, I feel a shadow hovering over us.
— What are you talking to me about ?
He leans towards me, places a light kiss on my lips.
— Tonight, he says before running back to class.
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When I get out of high school, I go home to do my homework before going to his house. It’s Mrs. Sutter who opens the door for me.
— Between. Jessy should arrive soon, she tells me as I follow her into the kitchen.
— I thought he would have already returned from his drawing class.
— He's late today. Are you doing well ?
— Yes very well and you ?
— Yes, a little on the nerves as you might imagine...
— Jessy told me about your divorce.
— Did he tell you that my other son is going to spend a month with us this summer ?
I shake my head in denial.
— I'm happy, I'll have my two boys with me. It’s been a long time since that happened, she adds with a smile. But I'm sorry for both of you...
Seeing my doubtful look, she leaves her sentence hanging.
— Didn’t Jessy tell you anything ?
— He just asked me to come by this evening. He wants to talk to me about something.
I stare at her, incredulous. The shadow that I felt hovering over above of my couple seems come encompass me entirely.
— I also thought that you were reacting too well.
Elise no longer dares to hold my gaze as it seeks answers.
— What is happening ?
She seems to weigh the pros and cons before answering me. I guess she's happy, but refuses to tell me something that will, in all likelihood, hurt me.
— I got a promotion at my job.
— That’s very good, congratulations though…
— I'm being transferred to San Diego, she finishes under her breath.
— In California ?
I remain stoic, not knowing what to think. Everything is rushing through my head.
— But it’s on the other side of the country !
Elise nods.
— I know this is going to be hard for you and Jessy, but I can't afford to turn down this chance. My boss told me last night. Jessy and I talked about it most of the night, and this morning I agreed.
— When ? I ask him as I feel my eyes burning.
— We are leaving at the end of the month.
— But it’s in two weeks !
Two tears roll down my cheeks, as my gaze focuses on a coffee cup lying on the kitchen counter. Jessy is leaving, my conscience tells me tirelessly.
Suddenly the front door slams and my boyfriend appears behind me. He comes closer to me and sees me crying. Immediately, he looks at his mother with fury :
— You had to tell him ! He accuses him.
— Excuse me, I need some air, I said, getting off my stool before rushing out.
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