— Dad, Jessy and I are going back to see Nick at the end of September, I say to my father, as Nicolas loads his suitcases into the car.
It is mid August 1992, a few days before school starts again, marking the end of the summer vacation..
My father nods his head with this little imperceptible movement that means yes, because I have no choice, before exchanging a look with my brother who nods his head so vigorously in agreement that my father cannot than smile back.
Poor dad, if you only knew ! I thought.
As usual, I spoke to my father because I know that my mother will not object. As my brother always says : if you have the father in your pocket, it's all good !
Jessy, next to me, remains silent as a carp, visibly uncomfortable around my parents since we slept together. He just smiles and waits for us to sort out the details. Nick places his last travel bag in the back seat.
— Ah, there’s your girlfriend, he says, pointing a finger at my back.
Turning around, I see Mady arriving on foot, she smiles, looking relaxed.
— Hello, everyone, she greets.
— Hi ! Mady, is that right ? Nicolas asks.
Jessy and I giggle at the eloquent attitude of my brother who has entered into seduction mode.
Mady looks at him, surprised, before replying :
— Yes, that’s it, sweet heart !
Nicolas remains frozen, he had not expected my friend to join in his game.
— OK, well... well... I'm going.
He approaches my lover, shakes his hand before their traditional hug.
— Jess, see you soon, old brother.
— Thanks for everything, Nick.
Then he walks towards me.
— We'll see each other again soon and we'll celebrate my birthday properly in New York, Nick said before kissing Nina and our parents.
In a last reflex, he turns to Mady.
— We'll perhaps do without a hug, Don Juan, she says, making us all laugh, all except Nicolas, who remains speechless.
I think this is the first time a girl has stood up to him like this. Usually, all the girls swoon over him, but Mady, for some unknown reason, remains insensitive to his charm. This confuses him as much as it intrigues him.
Without taking his eyes off her, he gets in the car, rolls down his window and tells me with a little incredulous smile.
— Your friend is weird !
— That changes you from Emma !
I feel like I can see cogs turning in my brother's brain, searching for the person to whom this name belongs. After a few seconds, he raises his hand in surrender and walks away, waving to us. My parents and Nina come home.
— Are you going to go to New York ? Mady asks me.
— We’re going to go, I correct, putting an arm around my boyfriend’s waist.
— I have my friends there. Would you mind if I went on the road with you ? I would go see my friends and we could spend time together.
— No problem for me, replies Jessy, finally breaking his silence.
— With joy !
Then turning to my lover, I add playfully :
— That's it, have you found your speech now that my parents are home ?
He grimaces a smile.
— I have the impression that your father is going to jump on my throat at any moment.
Mady and I laugh.
— You'll have to put your paranoia aside, you're both invited to dinner tonight !
The meal goes off without a hitch. Jessy takes it upon himself and talks to everyone as if nothing had happened. It is the same during the days and weeks that follow. A little late for my birthday, I am entitled to a very nice gift from Jessy. He offers me the canvas that he painted and that I love so much, the one that until then hung above his bed. It now faces mine, so I look at it every night before going to sleep, thinking of him. It’s his first completed work and he gave it to me, it means a lot to me.
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When we return to high school, we see that serious things are looming, all the teachers have the same speech : the diploma at the end of the school year. It is this year that we will have to choose where we will go to university and of course study tirelessly so as not to fail our exams.
When it’s time to spend the weekend in New York, I’m
relieved to get away from all that pressure. At least Jessy doesn't have someone behind him constantly reminding him how important this year is, but Mady and I can't say the same. My parents tell me all the time that I need to work more and go out less. Which means that outside of high school, Jessy and I have a hard time spending more than an hour or two together. Upon reaching the Big Apple, we dropped my friend off in the Queens neighborhood where one of her friends lives who has offered to put her up. Mady told me that she has a crush on a boy she has known for a long time and who lives nearby. She will kill two birds with one stone by spending time with an old friend and seeing a boy she is attracted to again. We are to meet up with this young man in the karaoke bar, near Nicolas's, the next evening.
My brother is very happy to see us again. As usual, he took care of everything and reserved our favorite hotel room for us.
— From the look on your face, I guess your parents are as behind you as they were with me.
I confirm.
— Exactly, I can't take it anymore.
— I know that, Nick said, taking another sip of beer. They almost made me break down.
The three of us are at his place talking quietly. Despite all the love I have for them, it feels good to be away from my parents for a few days.
— You should have seen their faces when we told them we were going to miss a day of school ! Adds Jessy. Even the end of the world would have been easier to announce.
— I imagine. I got a call from my mom afterward to ask me what I thought about it.
I stare at my brother in disbelief.
— I told them you were right, two days is too short to make the round trip.
Jessy puts his head in his hands.
— I’m hallucinating. I like your parents but honestly, with them, I feel like I'm four years old.
— And how are you two doing ?
I answer him honestly.
— It is painful. As soon as I'm at Jessy's, you can be sure that the phone will ring to tell me to come home, whether it's during the week or on the weekend.
My boyfriend confirms with a nod.
— Go relax, at least here you are peaceful ! And your friend, Mady, is she okay ?
— Not possible, Jessy is surprised. Do you remember his first name !
We burst out laughing under my brother’s inquisitive gaze.
— She is fine. We dropped her off in Queens when we arrived. Tomorrow evening we spend the evening together, will you join us ?
Nick makes a small face.
— I wanted to celebrate my birthday tomorrow... But I guess we can go to the restaurant tomorrow at noon and party tomorrow night all together.
Do you mind if I invite some friends ?
— The more we are, the more we have fun, sums up Jessy.
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It's more than pleasant to be alone with Jessy and I for the night : this feeling of being totally myself when I'm with him doesn't fade, it's as if his skin had become mine.
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The following lunchtime, my brother invites us to a chic restaurant in the heart of Manhattan. There, we raise our glasses to his twenty years and we offer him our common gift: a pretty brand watch. In the afternoon, Nick guides us through various clothing stores and asks me to choose the item I want so he can give it to me. Finally, I decide on a set of black jeans and a blue and white checkered blouse. Coming out, I gave my brother a big kiss to thank him and in turn handed him a bag containing a white shirt identical to the one I had stained with alcohol a few months earlier. We go to drink coffee in a bar and Jessy surprises me by handing me a small package. Inside a pretty navy blue box is a black leather bracelet on which is written in shiny rhinestones : New York Forever.
— You didn’t believe I just gave you this bracelet from San Diego for your birthday, he whispers in my ear.
— And the painting.
— It wasn’t much, he replied before kissing me..
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In the evening, we returned to Nicolas's house where three of his friends soon arrived. My brother quickly makes the introductions.
— This is Michael, he said, pointing to a tall, dark haired guy with a frail but dynamic appearance. This is Aaron and this is Steve.
The man named Aaron is of medium height and looks jovial while the last one is blond with blue eyes. I have no trouble understanding why my brother is friends with them when I see them having a beer while talking about girls.
Mady arrives shortly after with her friend Véronika who is breathtakingly beautiful. She is tall with long silky brown hair, a slender body that looks simply perfect, a pretty face with fine features and deep black eyes. Mady is also accompanied by a guy, who, from the first glance, I don't like at all. Charly gives the impression of dominating the world by throwing his shoulders back and puffing out his chest. Physically, he is not ugly, even if his eyes are too close together for my taste. He's not very tall but must have used and abused steroids to get this muscular build. I wonder what Mady can see in him and I conclude that he must have hidden good sides... very well hidden. I exchange a look with Jessy, we think the same thing. My boyfriend, who seems so frail in comparison, exudes a charm and a beauty that Charly is far from possessing. I see Veronica’s eyes rest on Jessy with a little look that doesn't enchant me, as if she were a bird of prey staring at its next prey. Seeing Mady arrive, my brother comes to greet her and does the introductions again. He doesn’t linger on Véronika, which surprises me given his usual game of seduction.
— My God, where was Mady looking for this guy ?
He whispers as he walks past me.
I shrug my shoulders in incomprehension.
Then we all go to the bar where we had been during our previous stay in New York. The establishment consists of a large room where we can dance in addition to sitting down for a drink. At the back of the room, there is a stage where you can sing karaoke. The cowboy decoration is purely in the Texan spirit with wooden boxes where tables and benches are installed. Here and there horse saddles and harnesses are placed on the paneled walls amid western posters. It’s the kind of bar that makes you want to dance together to country tunes while wearing Stetsons. It is full of young people who, like us, are easily recognizable by the mark that was stamped on the back of our hands when entering so that we would not be served alcohol.
Quickly, we all take our seats around a large round table where we order fruit juices and other lemonades. Mady sits between Charly and Nick, and tries to talk to one as much as the other until two guys come to greet Charly and sit next to him. From that moment on, I noticed that my brother leaned down to speak more quietly to my friend who laughed at regular intervals.
— Who wants to sing ? Asks Aaron who Jessy and I were talking to.
— What if we made two teams ?
It is decided that Nick, Aaron, Véronika, Charly and the two newcomers will be against the rest of the group of which I am part. We book karaoke and, too quickly for my taste, we are called on stage to sing I Will Survive.
My brother's team starts and ours takes over, all in a good natured spirit. Coming down from the stage, I see Charly roughly take Mady by the arm and drag her into a remote corner of the room, far from my worried gaze.
— There’s a problem, I whispered to Jessy, pointing to the place where Charly is holding Mady.
Immediately, he goes there. Seeing him walk away so quickly, Nick approaches me, I summarize the situation for him, he goes to join my boyfriend. They return a few minutes later, Mady walking in front of them and Charly a few steps behind. He talks to his friends and they all leave the bar.
— Good riddance ! Launches Mady with red eyes.
— What happened ?
— He threw a fit at me because I was talking to your brother!
— Are you doing well ? Jessy asks him.
Mady nods, massaging her wrist.
— He just hurt my arm a little while twisting it, luckily you arrived in time to help me.
Thanks.
Jessy gives an embarrassed smile.
— The main thing is that you are okay.
— Yes, but if you and Nick hadn't intervened, it might not be happening at this time.
Mady also thanks my brother.
— No problem. But do you think it will be okay to return ? Véronika, do you live next to him ? I think this situation is risky.
— Yes, but I've known him for a long time, he won't do anything to me.
— It’s not you I’m thinking about, my brother says in a drier tone.
Mady's already pale complexion whitens further.
— I hadn’t thought about it, she admits.
— If you want, you can stay at my place, Nicolas offers. You will have nothing to fear, I promise. I'll leave you my bed, I'll sleep on a mattress on the floor.
Mady scans my brother's face, trying to know if she can trust him. Then look at Véronika, who shrugs her shoulders as if to say “Do as you feel.”
— I'm willing, thank you... again.
Mady smiles at Nick.
— It was nothing. Come on, we're not going to let this idiot ruin our evening.
He takes Mady's hand and leads her towards the dance floor.
Jessy observes them and ends up asking me :
— Do you think the two of them... ?
I shrug, paraphrasing my brother :
— What happens in New York stays in the Big Apple !
We return to our seats and soon Aaron holds out his hand.
— Are you dancing a rock with me ?
I hesitate and turn back to my boyfriend to see his reaction. He encourages me with a nod, I accept the invitation. While I laugh at the antics of Aaron who sways in front of me in deliberately exaggerated movements, I discreetly glance at Jessy who remains at the table and to whom Véronika has come dangerously close. I notice that the latter's arm is only a few centimeters from my lover's shoulder, I don't like it. I feel a ball of jealousy invade my stomach before rising up into my throat. From the way she leans towards him, I see that she is openly flirting with him. Jessy listens to her, sometimes answers her, his hands clasped on the table. I'm relieved when the song ends. Aaron offers me another dance, which I politely decline to go join Jessy. He seems to be talking very seriously to this girl.
— And I’m very in love with her.
I hear him say as I come up behind him and put my arms around his neck, immediately his hands join mine. Véronika makes a little grimace of disappointment and walks away from us. I rest my chin on my lover's shoulder.
— Are you dancing with me ? he asks me.
Angie echoes throughout the bar.
— Did Véronika hit on you ?
— Oh yeah !
I cast a dirty look at this girl who, from the moment I saw her, did not inspire confidence in me. Jessy studies my features and smiles.
— Are you in jealous mode ?
I nod in agreement.
— You have no reason to be, I kindly put her in her place.
— What did you say to him ? I question as my heart beats faster.
— The truth : I am very happy and very in love with you. I don't have room in my life for anyone but you.
My hand goes up along his cheek in a tender caress.
— Sometimes I wonder if you would still be with me if you weren't HIV positive ?
Jessy suddenly freezes as she looks at me. His features oscillate between disbelief, doubt and anger.
— Do you think I'm with you because I have this virus ?
I look at Véronika who is talking with Michael, and shrug my shoulders.
— Come on, says Jessy, who takes my hand to lead me outside.
Arriving on the sidewalk, the coolness hits us. Some young people smoke while chatting in front of the entrance. We walk along the facade to get out of the way. I lean against a black grey wall, soiled by pollution.
— So ? Jessy accuses me angrily. What is this completely stupid idea that you just told me ?
— Sorry, but that’s what I feel when I see a hot girl like Véronika walking around you.
The truth is that this girl has a perfect physique and I feel ordinary compared to it.
— I am with you because I love you ! My HIV status has nothing to do with how I feel about you. If I wanted to go out with another girl, I would just have to go into this bar and start flirting, it's not this virus that would stop me but I definitely don't want to. Would you still be with me if I wasn't sick ?
— Obviously !
— Meg, he sighs, leaning against the wall next to me, — I don’t care about girls like Veronica, she may be pretty, but she’s empty. I knew these kinds of girls before meeting you, I've been around them.
— Thank you for your frankness, I said in a breath, taken aback.
— I told you, I had a life before knowing you, but these girls never brought me anything good. You know, there are nights when I wake up with a start, consumed by anxiety. I assure you it's sometimes so scary to think that this fucking virus lives inside me that I feel like I'm suffocating. In these moments, I no longer want to fight, I tell myself that I should let myself go since, in any case, that is what will happen sooner or later...
— Jessy, I whispered, moved, grabbing his hand.
— But then I think of you, of our story, of your smile, of the way you place your hands on me, of the way you look at me, and then I regain hope. I think that, without you, I would have thrown myself off the bridge a long time ago... The first time I saw you was in the school corridor, our eyes met and I immediately Said you were the one I wanted.
I also remember that day well when I felt like I was falling off a building just watching him go by.
He stands in front of me and presses his hands on the wall on either side of my face. I place my hands on his waist.
— Of course, immediately afterwards I told myself that I was stupid, that you would never want me... Besides, at times, I still wonder what the hell are you doing with me... Megan, he said by stroking my hair, it's you who gives me the strength to fight against this damn virus, it's thanks to you that I've lifted my head, that I'm making plans again. I'm not in love with you because I'm sick, I love you because you are you.
I take his face in my hands and kiss him.
— I am with you because I simply love you.
— Well, me too. I don't want you to doubt me. Never.
His lips land on mine.
— I promise, I won't do it again. Come on, let’s go home before we get cold, I said, taking his hand again.
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The rest of the evening goes by happily and I have to admit that Nick's friends are really nice. The four of them form a group of happy goons who joke about the same things, and who have an identical vision of life.
When we leave the establishment in the middle of the night, Aaron and Steve offer to accompany Mady to Queens to pick up her things and to drop off Véronika there at the same time. They fear that Charly is waiting for them and both are the strongest of our little troop. It's cold at the end of September, especially in the middle of the night. Far behind us, young people are following the same path. It’s just a Saturday evening that’s ending. On the way, I hug Jessy to gain some warmth but he also seems cold. Arriving at the bottom of Nicolas's
building, Jessy decides to go to our hotel to get us some warmer clothes. Nick lives in a quiet neighborhood where there is no risk even at this hour and it is without concern that we see him walk a few steps away before we go inside to get warm. I question my brother as soon as I enter his studio :
— Tell me, what’s going on between you and Mady ? You didn’t even look at Veronica.
Nick gives an innocent smile that fools no one before replying :
— Nothing at all ! The other girl ? She's cute but she gives me the impression of a pretty empty shell.
— Even I noticed that you seem hung up… Michael begins before abruptly interrupting himself. You hear ?
I too heard abnormal noises coming from the street we left a few moments earlier. An argument appears to have broken out. Muffled knocks resonate as well as screams. Nicolas goes to the window, swears before throwing open the door and rushing down the stairs. Meanwhile, I took his place to see what was happening and started screaming before rushing out of the studio. Arriving in the street, I see Jessy lying face down on the sidewalk. He is not moving and is covered in blood. Without thinking, I rush towards him, kneel on the sidewalk and turn him around to take him in my arms. My brother runs back towards us while Michael goes to the window, Nick shouts at him to call for help. Jessy is unconscious, but I feel his heart beating against my body. His face swelled, becoming almost unrecognizable under the force of the blows he received. I cry, hugging him tightly to me. I'm scared to death.
— It’s going to be okay, my brother keeps repeating. Hold on, little brother ! It'll be OK !
After a few minutes that never end, help arrives. I have to explain my HIV status and face those incredulous and suspicious looks again. They quickly transport Jessy to the hospital, I get in the ambulance with him while my brother follows us in the car.
At Bellevue Hospital, the emergency department takes over, taking Jessy, still unconscious, away from me.
I'm waiting at reception when Nick arrives. He looks at me for a moment before asking me to follow him. With astonishment, I see him enter the women's toilet with me where he shows me my reflection in the mirror. I hadn't noticed it until then, but I have blood on my jacket, on my jeans and traces linger on my cheeks, my forehead and my hands. I look like Carrie after her prom. With an instinctive gesture, I wash myself, tears in my eyes as I realize that it is the blood of Jessy that I have on me, this blood that he always wanted to keep me away from, blood imprinted with the AIDS virus. I take off my jacket and fold it to hide the marks while waiting to know whether I should clean it or throw it away. Daring another look in the mirror, I start to cry. My brother comes over and hugs me.
— It’ll be okay, don’t worry. But you need to get checked out just in case...
Unable to speak, I nod.
— My God, Nick, what happened ? I don't understand anything. I saw Jessy lying on the sidewalk, his face bleeding, I rushed towards him without thinking... Where were you ? You had gone out before me, yet you were not there when I arrived outside.
Disjointed sentences flow out of my mouth as my brother drags me with him towards the hospital reception area.
— When I leaned out the window, I saw some guys hitting Jess. There were three of them, maybe four, I'm not very sure. Your guy tried to defend himself, but they held him down while another guy punched him. I went downstairs as quickly as I could, but when I opened the door to my building, they ran away. I chased after them, but I couldn't catch up with them so I came back to Jessy and that's when I saw you.
— But why Jessy ? Have you seen these guys ?
— I saw them, but I'm not sure I recognized them. But Jess will confirm for me whether I'm right or not.
A doctor, short and bald, approaches us.
— Are you with Jessy Sutter ?
— Yes. How is he ?
The doctor makes a little grimace for the occasion.
— He has regained consciousness, but he is badly damaged. His bruises will fade on their own within a few days. We gave him stitches in his lip and cheekbone, and after giving him an X-ray, we found he also had three broken ribs. Luckily, his scan showed no brain damage. But we will keep him under observation for 48 hours.
The doctor taps his notepad impatiently.
— The police will come to question you, please stay here.
— Can we see it ? I asked.
— Yes, he is in room 4.
— Doctor, my brother intervenes. Could you examine my sister ?
The doctor's scrutiny seems to X-ray me as Nick explains how I came into contact with my boyfriend's blood. The doctor takes my hands, examines them and does the same thing with my face and my neck.
— Do you have any cuts, abrasions, scratches anywhere ?
I shake my head negatively.
— No None.
— Perfect, I would advise you to take a screening test in about six weeks to be sure, but in my opinion, there is no risk. Your friend's blood did not come into contact with yours. Have you had unprotected sex ?
Turning crimson red, I affirm no.
— Take a test to confirm, but I think it will be negative. Don't be overly concerned and continue to take precautions.
— Thank you Doctor.
With a nod, he walks away towards other patients, as we rush into the room where Jessy is. He is lying on a bed, covered with a white sheet and an apple green blanket. His head buried in the pillow reveals a swollen face. His black eyes have taken on a purplish color, his cheekbones, one of which has a cut, are blue, and his mouth, torn by the blows, is an even deeper blue. These traces of blows show the violence of the attack. I put a hand over my mouth, tears come to my eyes to see him like this. Jessy cracks one eye open and, seeing us, tries to smile but it looks more like a grimace.
— Fuck, that’s not true, exclaims my brother at my side, clenching his fist.
— I'm better than I look, Jessy tells us, but I know he's just trying to reassure us.
We approach him.
— Jess, tell me who did this to you ? Was it Charly and his friends ?
I have never seen my brother look like that. He looks like he's ready to kill at any moment.
— Yeah, it was them.
Without saying anything, Nick leaves the room quickly. I worry about what he's going to do but my place is with my boyfriend, so I stay in the room. This one stretches out its arms, I will take refuge there.
— Oh, excuse me, sweetheart, I whispered as he groaned.
— It's nothing.
I sit up on the bed and reach out to stroke his cheek, but he stops me.
— What state are you in ? I whispered, tears in my eyes.
— It's just a few bruises, wounds and broken ribs, it will heal. And you saw, I hit them too.
With pride, he shows me his bruised fists. I smile.
At this moment, there is a knock at the door, it is a tall man, with a solid appearance. He must be around fifty years old as his salt and pepper hair attests. He introduces himself as Inspector Schmidt, he seems very serious, very strict and doesn't put people at ease. His first question is the same as Nicolas’s. Jessy looks at me and I understand that he is thinking about retaliation as much for himself as for our small group. I place my hand in the palm of his uninjured one, urging him to speak. Jessy pinches his lips before answering in a whisper :
— Yes, I saw them.
— Would you be able to recognize them ? Asks the inspector, taking notes.
— It was Charly and his two friends who were with us at the bar...
He tells the policeman about the whole evening, including his intervention when things started to go wrong between Mady and this guy.
— There were several of you this evening, so why you ?
Jessy tries to shrug his shoulders but his rib pain prevents him from doing the full movement.
— I don't know, maybe because I was the one who separated them first at the bar. Before hitting me, Charly told me that I shouldn't have gotten involved in his business. Maybe also because I was alone and they saw the opportunity, or because I was one of the smallest in our group, what do I know ? In any case, when you have arrested them, don't forget to tell them to take a drug test, Jessy rages.
The inspector looks up from his notebook, visibly surprised.
— Screening for what ?
— I'm HIV positive, Jessy said as if it were obvious.
The policeman immediately scans my boyfriend's face then looks at my hand which still rests in his. I know what he thinks, it’s always the same thing : My God, I'm in the same room, breathing the same air as this sick guy.
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And I just want to scream : Fuck you, poor guy !
But as usual, I hold back. If Jessy can stand these looks then so can I.
The inspector clears his throat and questions :
— Are you homosexual ?
The question apparently stumps me as much as Jessy since he asks him to repeat, which the police officer does. I shout before my boyfriend can open his mouth :
— No !
This is the prejudice that comes up most often at this time : AIDS equals gay.
— I’m asking Mr. Sutter, the inspector replied coldly.
— Meg has been my girlfriend for a year, so she knows who I am, Jessy said to defend me.
The inspector leans towards him and, for the first time, his face softens.
— Excuse me for asking you the question, but with this illness and given your age, that’s what you would immediately assume.
— It was a girl who transmitted AIDS to me during unprotected sex.
The inspector turns to me, his eyes accusing.
— It wasn’t Megan ! Add my boyfriend right away. This girl has since died.
— Very good, I have all the information I need. Mr. Sutter, good luck; to you too, miss.
He leaves the room. Jessy tries to yawn but can't help but grimace.
— It was a long night. I'll let you rest. I'll come back in the morning. I also need to call your mother...
— No, don’t tell him anything.
— Jessy, it's part of our agreement.
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— If you warn her, she will worry unnecessarily. I will call him myself tomorrow.
— As you wish.
I give in, kissing his forehead, the only place on his face free of injury.
— I love you, Meg.
— And me more.
— That’s impossible, Jessy murmurs, smiling slightly as I leave the room.
As I head towards the reception hall, I see Mady waiting on a seat, biting her nails. She rushes to me and hugs me.
— Michael and then your brother told me… How is he ?
I look around looking for Nicolas, but he is nowhere.
— It's not a pretty sight, but he's in good spirits. He should be back on his feet soon. Where are the boys ?
— I don't know. When I arrived at your brother's house with Aaron and Steve, Michael told us. We immediately came to join you here and Nicolas arrived, he took the boys aside. When they came back to me, they told me that we had to wait for them, that they would come back quickly, but it has been more than half an hour now.
— I just hope they're okay.
Knowing my brother and after seeing his reaction, I suspect where he is now, but I say nothing. If he wants to act, I am willing to let him do so without any scruples.
Many minutes later, I am not surprised to see him come back with a black eye, surrounded by his friends whose pretty bruises also adorn their faces. However, they all display a satisfied smile. I don't ask any questions, it's useless, I already have all the answers I want. It is 6 a.m. when we leave the hospital. My brother's friends go home, while Mady and I sleep on Nick's convertible sofa while he sleeps on a camp bed next to us.
In the morning that followed, my brother had the difficult task of informing our parents. He reassures them by explaining
the fight and the reason for it, then he warns them that I have to stay a few more days in New York, until Jessy gets out of the hospital and he is well enough. fit to withstand the return journey. I asked Nicolas not to mention Jessy's blood on me and, with relief, I noticed that he didn't say a word about it. My parents want to come find us but as Nick tells them, it would be no use. Jessy is out of danger and we will be back as soon as possible.
Then we go to the hospital, Mady wants to stop at a souvenir shop, and she comes out with a bouquet of flowers. In the corridor leading to Jessy's room, we meet Inspector Schmidt.
— We arrested the attackers first thing this morning, he tells us with a satisfied smile. If that helps ease your anger a little, they're in a bad state too... a bit like you, by the way, he adds, staring at my brother who always sports a pretty cock.
— Oh, I walked into a door, Nick replies, uncomfortably.
— But of course... Anyway when your friend gets out of here, he will have to come to the police station to identify them and you too. Last night you told me you saw them run away.
— Indeed, said Nicolas. We will come.
The inspector nods his head, takes a few steps away before exclaiming :
— It’s still curious how many doors took revenge last night!
The three of us exchange a little knowing smile before heading towards Jessy's room. As we are about to enter, Mady steps back.
— I can’t go there.
I look at my friend who has turned very pale before motioning for my brother to come in alone. Mady took refuge in the hospital hall. As I reach her, I notice her hands trembling as they tighten around the bouquet of flowers that she holds straight in front of her like a white flag.
— I’m sorry, Meg. What happened to Jessy is my fault. If I hadn't brought Charly last night, nothing would have happened.
— With ifs, we can remake the world.
— I thought Charly was a good guy, and in the end he’s just a big jerk. I'm ashamed of being interested in him, you can't imagine ! When I was alone with him, he was so nice that I didn't think for a second that he would be capable of violence.
— Mady, I don’t blame you. On the other hand, to him, yes, I am very angry with him.
— I think he must have had a bad time with his friends...
— And my darling ends up in the hospital, I finish, leaning against one of the cream colored walls. You know, I think this guy would only cause you trouble in the future.
Mady nods and asks me, looking serious :
— Do you think Jessy is mad at me ? I've seen him angry before and, frankly, I don't want him to yell at me, he who is usually so calm is a real tornado when he's angry. He scares me.
I smile.
— I especially think that you should ask him the question directly. Come on, come on. But I warn you it might come as a shock to you, they damaged it badly.
Mady makes a little grimace of understanding.
— I took him flowers, it’s not okay to arrive empty handed.
— I saw. But you know, if you want them to live, you should stop squeezing the stems so hard.
My friend looks at her hands which are clenched around the packaging and bursts out laughing.
— Sorry. Talking about Charly and his friends makes me want to strangle them.
Arriving at the bedroom door, I knock before entering. Mady deliberately stays behind me.
— Hey, you, I said to Jessy.
— Hello.
— I have someone with me who would like to talk to you but who doesn't dare come in.
— Who is that ? He asks suspiciously.
— Come on, come in !
I wave my hand to encourage him to overcome his fear. It's strange to me to see someone so afraid of Jessy so much because, to me, he is the sweetest man in the world. Nicolas stares at the door and winks at my friend to encourage her. Shyly, Mady enters, barely daring to look at Jessy.
— Hi !
Reassured by the friendly tone of his voice, she looks up.
— My God ! What state have these bastards put you in !
She said, dismayed, upon discovering it.
— Mady, your hands.
I see the bouquet of flowers on the verge of asphyxiation, once again. Looking at her hands, she loosens her grip.
— Oops, sorry ! Here, Jessy, this is for you. I better give them to you before they're completely ruined.
— Thank you, that's nice. You know, it's not a pretty sight but it's not that bad, he said, indicating his purplish face.
— I need to know, on a scale of one to ten, how much are you mad at me ?
Jessy seems startled by this question.
— I don't blame you at all. OK, Charly is a big loser, but it wasn't you who hit me.
— No, but it was me who brought him to our party, and it’s because you defended me that he did that to you.
— Let's say that next time, you will choose better the guys you go out with.
— That's for sure !
Jessy yawns until his jaw drops. For him, as for us, the night was short.
— We’re going to let you rest, Nicolas announces before going out with Mady.
I approach the bed. It still hurts me so much to see him in this state.
— Do you know when you go out ?
— Tomorrow !
— Did the inspector tell you that he had arrested them ?
My boyfriend nods.
— And seeing your brother's face, I deduce that he too found them.
— I didn't ask him, but I really hope he didn't miss them.
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The next day, I bring Jessy clean clothes, and a few moments later he can leave the hospital. His face is starting to heal, however, each movement pulls a grimace of pain from him. The doctor prescribed painkillers to allow him to move around without too much pain, which calmed him down a little.
— Might as well end it now, he says, heading towards the police station.
I go with him, I want to see the faces of these cowards who hurt him again.
When we arrive, the inspector greets us sympathetically before leading us into a small, dark room, where a large window takes up half the room. He presses the intercom button to order the suspects brought in. Ten men of all races, sizes and builds advance into the next room, visible through the one— way mirror. I have no trouble recognizing them, not only because their features are etched in my memory, but especially because of the bruises that adorn their faces. Almost in spite of myself, a smile appears on my lips, Nick and his friends have avenged Jessy. I glance at him sideways and notice that he also has a little knowing smile while staring at Charly.
— Do you recognize those who attacked you ? Ask the inspector.
Jessy lowers his head, not knowing what to say.
— You don't have to fear reprisals. These guys already have plenty of records for stories of fights, as well as for a robbery of a small neighborhood business last week. Other victims have already recognized them.
— They won't know that it was me who denounced them ?
— No, several of you have filed a complaint against this little gang of thugs.
We exchange a look, and Jessy announces :
— Three, seven and nine. They are the ones.
— Are you sure ?
— Certain.
I look at these individuals who only inspire me with anger. Charly's eyes are lost in space. Without a doubt, he is the leader of this gang of scum. He stands proudly as if it is all a part of his life. His two acolytes are slumped over themselves, trying without success to be forgotten. I observe their hands. All three have marks from the blows they gave. They too will have to take the test to find out if they have been contaminated by Jessy's blood.
— Perfect, said Schmidt, walking us home. I think they will plead guilty so there will be no trial, you will be at peace.
— Thank you, Inspector, replies Jessy, whose face suddenly becomes harder. You know, it's not because I'm straight and I caught the AIDS virus in a no- homosexual sexual relationship that I'm different from others. At the hospital, I noticed that you treated me coldly until you learned my story. How would you have reacted if I told you I was gay?
The policeman remains silent. I remain amazed by Jessy’s confidence ! The latter, satisfied with his speech, decides to conclude :
— When it comes to AIDS, all HIV positive people are equal. Remember it !
We leave the police station.
— I’m proud of you.
I look at him with admiration, Jessy smiles.
— I wasn't feeling well at the hospital when he came in the other night, but I wasn't going to let that slide. I think he thinks, like many people, that if gays have AIDS, somehow it is good for them, that they more or less sought it out. But it's wrong ! No one wants to die loving another, regardless of gender !
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