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I hear whispers before I even open my eyes. I blink several times, trying to figure out where I am in this blurry setting. After a few seconds, my vision becomes clear as my mind recalls the events of the day before.
My parents are standing in front of the sofa, I am surprised to see that my father's face has a tender expression identical to that of my mother. I glance down at my hands, which are intertwined with Jessy’s. Last night, after talking, we didn't feel like sleeping, so we sat on the sofa in front of the television. He lay down, I lay on him, he put his hands on my stomach, mine tied them together and we fell asleep in that position. While I try to gently free myself so as not to wake him by urging my parents to silence, Jessy stirs in a half sleep.
— No, stay with me, he said with a pasty mouth, holding my hand back.
Immediately my father gave him a fierce look. Feeling my hand slip away from him despite everything, Jessy opens his eyes and jumps when he sees my parents in front of him. Distraught, he glances around, searching for the reasons for his presence in the middle of my living room.
— Does your memory come back to you ? John asks in an amused tone.
Jessy nods, his face pale as he sits down.
— Mr. Crawfords, that's not what you think. We didn't do anything…
— Don’t worry, my father cuts me off. I know you wouldn't be stupid enough to do that right under my bedroom.
— Breakfast for everyone ? Asks my mother as she leaves the living room.
— I want waffles ! John says, following her.
Left alone, we exchange an embarrassed smile.
— Talk about a nightmare ! Jessy grumbled, rubbing his eyes. I fall asleep with you and wake up with your father !
I burst out laughing.
We join my parents in the kitchen.
— Why don’t you make it for me ? John grumbles.
— Because I don't want to. All you have to do is make your damn waffles !
— Waffles ? I’ll take care of it, says Jessy.
Immediately, he sets to work in front of my father’s amazed eyes. I take the opportunity to go take a shower, when I come back, John is enjoying a golden waffle and others are waiting on a plate in the center of the table.
— Hmm, it smells really good, Nina comments as she enters the room.
— They are delicious. Jessy, you come back whenever you want, says my father.
Nina and I help ourselves and even my mother, looking angry, ends up taking one, saying : “Just taste it.” Everyone congratulates my boyfriend.
— I like cooking.
I discovered his cordon bleu talents when he invited me to dinner a few weeks ago.
— Are you using these waffles as a diversion ? I whisper to Jessy, leaning towards him.
— You have understood everything. Your father even forgot to question me, he mutters, smiling. It's not that I'm bored, but I have to go home before going to class, he adds out loud. See you later.
Jessy kisses me on the forehead before leaving.
— I like this boy more and more, John comments. But actually, what was he doing here and why were you sleeping on the couch ?
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187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkZ3XbpuAec
— Megan ! Your brother on the phone, my mother tells me as soon as I cross the threshold of the house.
I run to the receiver.
— Hello, little sister, how are you ?
— Hello. How are you ? And you ?
— Good. I called at this time on purpose, I wanted to talk to you. Did Jessy tell you ?
— Oh yes ! We would like to come see you, but it would be better if you were the one to tell the parents about it.
— I was afraid you’d say that to me, he sighs.
A heavy silence settles in. Despite the distance, I can see my brother running a nervous hand through his hair and shaking his head slightly.
— You know very well what Dad will say if I’m the one to ask him, I insist gently.
— Oh, yes, I know ! He will think that the idea came from Jessy and that he wants to rape you during this stay !
— Exactly.
— OK, tell mom I'll call them back tonight. Dad will be back from work, I will explain to them that I invited you. It's not easy to convince parents, you have to have techniques... I'll leave you, I'll kiss you and say hello to your lover.
— You’re great Nick ! Kisses.
I hang up and tell my mother that Nick will call them back in the evening. She is surprised, but I remain enigmatic.
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187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNRtoc6BKp7
When the phone rings in the evening, my parents isolate themselves in the kitchen to talk quietly to my brother; I watch television without even seeing it. I try to listen to what's being said, but nothing filters through the door, and when I hear the kitchen door open, I look up fearfully at my parents, looking to read a response on their faces.
— It’s won ! Says my mother, smiling.
I jump off the couch to hug them.
— Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you !
— What ? Nina says indignantly. Is she going to go see Nicolas ? So that’s not fair !
As my mother confirms, my sister starts to sulk, crossing her arms over her chest.
— Megan is older than you and, what’s more, she’s not going alone, but with Jessy.
— Anyway, there’s always only one for her and her boyfriend ! My sister said angrily before leaving the room.
We watch her pass, taken aback.
— I’m going to go talk to him, I breathe.
— Wait, just a second, Meg. You two won't do anything stupid when you're there ?
— Dad, stop worrying. I am no longer a baby !
John sighs.
— I know, he grimaces. This is precisely why I am worried! Luckily Nick will be there to watch over you.
Suddenly the image of my brother circling around us restlessly materializes in my mind. If that's the condition for going to New York, I'm not sure I want to go there anymore.
I find Nina in her room. She is lying on her bed, her raised
legs beating the air in a furious rhythm. When she sees me enter, she rolls over on the bed and turns her back to me.
— I don't want to talk to you ! She cries.
However, I walk over and sit on his bed. Nina doesn't flinch.
— I know you're angry because I'm going to go see
Nick…
— It's not that !
Slowly, fearing his reaction, I place my hand on his shoulder.
— So what is it ?
Her eyes brimming with tears, she turns to me.
— You don’t know what it’s like to have you as a sister, she accuses me. Every time I come back from school with good grades, the parents tell me it's good and, presto, they follow up with your results. As soon as you leave the house, guess who they're talking about ? Of you ! From you and Jessy ! You should hear them !
I remain stunned for a moment.
— What ? But what do they say ?
— Oh, well usually Dad says, “I’m worried about Megan.” And then, mom replies : “But no, she has become very mature since she started dating Jessy.” And Dad continues : “Exactly, what will happen if she spends the night with him ?”At this point, often, both of them give me a look that clearly means that I am too young to hear what happens next. In their eyes, I'm still a kid ! She finishes with renewed anger.
— Because you think it’s different for me ? The words you just told me are the perfect example ! They always treat me like I'm a little girl.
— But you, at least, are going to New York !
— Nina, I know what I’m going to say to you will hurt you, but you’re only thirteen ! You're too young to go see Nick alone. You'll go later, when you're a little older.
She seems to calm down and sits on the bed.
— You think ?
— Of course, and by then, I will also be at university, you can come and see me as much as you want.
— Promise ? She asks, holding out her hand to me.
— Promise.
Our little fingers cross. My sister stares at me, looking perplexed.
— Why don't you tell me anything anymore ?
— What ?
— Well yes, before when you were going out with Chad, you talked to me about him, you told me what you felt. But since you started dating Jessy, you don't tell me anything anymore. I sometimes feel like he stole my big sister.
She starts sobbing again. I take her in my arms, she places her head on my knees while I stroke her long brown hair.
— Can I remind you what you were doing when I was talking to you about Chad ?
I don't wait for her to answer me before adding :
— You were going to see the parents to repeat everything to them !
I shake my head negatively.
— That's why I don't tell you anything anymore. I don't want our parents to know what's going on between Jessy and me.
— I was little, she sniffs. I won't tell them anything anymore.
— Wooden cross ?
— Iron Cross ! If I lie, I go to hell.
I doubt she can hold her tongue, but I decide to give her a few things to test her.
— OK, what do you want to know ?
Her face still resting on my lap, she turns to look at me.
— Do you really love Jessy ? More than you loved Chad ?
As always when we talk about feelings, I feel my cheeks turn pink.
— Oh yes, it’s nothing comparable…
I spend the rest of the evening trying to once again become the caring big sister that Nina seems to need. And I have to recognize as the days go by that she keeps to herself what I can tell her. From that moment on, our relationship took another turn. I no longer only have Nick as an ally, I also have my little sister who, for her part, confesses to me that she is in love with Chad, which I had always suspected.
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187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlfMluxO5T
February 5, 1992 marks Jessy's eighteenth birthday. He didn't want a party, just an evening meal with his mother and us. For the occasion, I gave him a bracelet with four straps dotted with small silver studs. Jessy likes to wear masculine jewelry. He is delighted with his gift. In the afternoon after leaving school, he came to study at home in preparation for a math test that we will have the next day. He is sitting in an armchair, with his notes on his knees, chewing gum in his mouth. I am sitting on one of the rugs that cover the parquet floor in places, my back resting on my legs, my books placed in front of me on the wooden coffee table in the living room. From time to time I raise my head, Jessy leans in and we exchange a kiss. It's nice to revise like this.
— Do you think the homework will also cover geometry ? He asks me.
— No, I don't think so, it will be more calculation problems in my opinion.
It rained that day, my father was at home, unable to work on his construction site outside.
— I just came to see if you wanted something to drink ? He apologizes as he enters the room.
But frankly, we're not fools, he just came to spy on us like every time we're alone.
— I’d like a Coke, if you have it, Jessy replies.
— I don't know…
— There’s some in the basement, I’ll go there, I said. Shall I give you one too, Dad ?
My father nods. I suddenly feel uncomfortable being alone with my boyfriend, like he doesn't know what to say to him.
A few minutes later, I'm walking back up the stairs with three cans of Coke in my hands when I hear Jessy's voice. I stop in the hallway to listen to what is being said.
— I know you don’t like me very much, Jessy said calmly with his characteristic frankness.
— You're wrong, Jessy, I like you. Really. You are a serious, thoughtful and reliable boy.
— But ?
— But I remember what it's like to be eighteen and your hormones boiling over in front of a pretty girl. It's not easy to control yourself all the time.
— That’s true, my boyfriend admits, but there’s no way I’m putting Megan through what I’m going through with this damn disease.
— I'm sorry that you caught this virus and I believe that if I could do anything to save you, I would without the slightest hesitation. But that's not what I'm talking about. I would have said the same thing to any boy dating my daughter. I've always taken care of her, it's hard to see her with a man and when I think about what could happen when you two are alone...
My father makes a loud face, vibrating his lips.
— I understand you, Jessy says. But you can't stop him from living either.
— I know well. I guess now it’s too late to lock him in his room until he’s thirty anyway, John jokes. However, as a father, I ask you one thing : don't hurt my little girl, neither physically nor by having such a stupid idea as breaking her heart.
— Otherwise you will beat the shit out of me ?
— Oh no, that would be too gentle compared to what I would want to do to you !
Deciding I've heard enough, I join them and hand them the drinks.
— Okay, I have work ! Declares my father who runs towards the kitchen.
— What were you talking about, Jessy ?
— Your father likes me, Jessy said to me, looking very surprised.
To me, this is not surprising. If my father hadn't liked the boy I was dating, I simply wouldn't have been allowed to date him. But for Jessy, this seems exceptional, perhaps it is due to the fact that he lost his father when he was a child, or that his stepfather never considered him and ended up rejecting him when he learned of his illness ? In any case, without even realizing it, John gave my lover a very nice birthday gift. Seeing that I am observing her, Jessy continues in a teasing tone :
— On the other hand, he must have a sixth sense that alerts him as soon as we kiss ! It is not possible otherwise !
— I heard everything ! My father exclaims happily from the kitchen.
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187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhvBexBHaM4
Two days later, at the end of the morning, as soon as classes were over, we took the road to New York ! I'm so happy to go see my brother ! We will be the first to discover his university, his way of living far from our parents.
It takes us a little over four hours to get there. Nick continues his studies at the Leonard N. Stern School of Business, the college of business and public administration located on campus in Washington Square Village. I had expected a campus with greenery, trees, where life was good, but I was missing the point. La Stern is an imposing grey building, right in the center of the district. It has around ten floors with windows all along its facade. A concrete and glass dome overlooks the entrance. At first glance, this university seems austere to me. Only Nick's presence in front of the building makes me appreciate it. I let Jessy park his car a little further away, along the sidewalk, while I rush to hug my brother.
— Hello, little head, he said, hugging me.
How are you doing ?
— Very good ! And you ?
Nicolas has small bags under his eyes which did not exist during the Christmas holidays.
— Hello, Jessy, are you okay ? Not too bad driving there ?
— None, but it’s nice to have arrived, he replies, stretching to make the tension caused by driving disappear. You have a bad face !
As usual, my boyfriend doesn't hesitate to speak his mind.
— It's nothing, crazy night ! (Nick winks at us.) I suggest you go to my house for a bite to eat.
Take your luggage.
— We’re following you, says Jessy, taking my hand.
— Eh, none of that ! You are both under my responsibility for the entire weekend.
Surprised, Jessy immediately lets me go. As I go to protest, Nick bursts into loud laughter that makes several people on the sidewalk turn around.
— Don’t tell me you believed me ! Well, officially I'm supposed to keep an eye on you, but unofficially, do whatever you want, I won't report you.
Nicolas lives in a small furnished studio on the first floor of a residence a few streets from the university. It's the kind of apartment typically designed for students with its white walls, black furniture, a kitchen area, an armchair, and a sofa that he unfolds for sleeping. I notice that his accommodation is clean and tidy, which was not always the case when he lived in his studio above our garage.
— As you can see, it's not very big, so I told the parents that you would sleep here, Jessy with me on the two seater sofa, and you on an extra bed. But, since I value my privacy and I assume you do too, I booked you a hotel just down the street. So no blunders when talking to parents, OK ?
We nod. Nick continues :
— I'm going to order pizza !
He walks away with the phone towards the bathroom.
— I’m thirsty, I said, heading towards the refrigerator. What do you want to drink ?
Jessy takes a seat on the couch.
— What do you propose ?
At this moment, Nick comes back and sees me immersed in his fridge.
— Pizzas ordered. You are thirsty ?
— You don’t have much in there, I said, taking inventory of the almost empty shelves.
A slice of ham waits in a torn tray, a hot dog with a strange greenish color, and what must have been a tomato are shriveled on one of the shelves.
— Push yourself, little head ! You should rather call home to let them know that you have arrived safely.
I do so, retreating into the bathroom to talk quietly. My mother reassured, I join the boys in the main room. I take a seat on the sofa next to Jessy and am taken aback when I discover three beers on the coffee table. Nick, sitting across from us in an armchair, looks at me with a little amused smile.
— Do you know how old we are ?
— What did I tell you ? ! Nick says to Jessy before continuing, looking at me. Don't tell me you've never drunk alcohol ? !
Jessy removes the capsule.
— Of course not !
— I do ! Says Jessy. Yours ! Thank you for your warm welcome !
He raises his beer, tapping it lightly against my brother's.
— How long have you been drinking alcohol ?
— I had a life before meeting you. It's just a beer, it's not very strong.
— Meg, Dad’s not here, take this opportunity to let go a little!
It’s true, for a whole weekend, I don’t have my parents behind me to monitor my every move.
— Okay, come on !
I give in and open my can to join them.
With the first sip, I feel the alcohol go down into my stomach, causing a slight burn.
— Don’t worry, little sister, you’ll soon be sober again ! Nick exclaims with a big laugh at my grimace.
We spend the evening eating pizza, talking and laughing. I find my brother different in his New York life, he is less serious as if, far from our parents, he allowed himself to do what he wanted without thinking too much about the consequences. I don't know him in this aspect, but I'm getting used to it quickly. At the end of the evening, he walks us down the sidewalk and, pointing, shows us our hotel at the end of his street. After a final goodbye, Nicolas returns to his studio while we set off for the hotel.
— It’s quiet ! It would never feel like you were in the middle of New York, I told Jessy.
Around us, the tall trees planted on the sidewalk cannot compete with the height of the buildings that rise like spiers tearing through the night. A slight cold wind lifts our hair as we walk hand in hand, dragging our suitcases behind us.
— We don't see a single star here.
Following Jessy's gaze, I realize he is right. The city is too bright to see the sparkles in the sky. We are speechless when we arrive in front of the hotel. Nick chose a modern building that rises over a dozen floors, all with bay windows. Above the entrance, red neon lights flash indicating the name of the brand : New Street. Without exchanging a word, we enter the hall. The place is made of marble, from the floor to the reception counter. Diffuse lights give the place a romantic side while respecting the latest design. A little intimidated, we walk towards the receptionist. The man is tall, black and his build is impressive.
However, I am surprised by the softness of his voice when he opens his mouth :
— Good evening, what can I do for you ?
— Good evening, my brother has reserved rooms in the name of Sutter or Crawfords.
The man looks at his reservation book.
— Indeed, it’s on the top floor, he hands us a key. Have a good stay !
A little surprised, I grabbed the key. I had expected that we would each have our own room, but apparently Nicolas had to book a double room, it was certainly more economical for him. After all, he insisted on inviting us, and given the decoration of the hotel, the prices must be high. We take the elevator, the floor of which is covered with red carpet. Upon reaching the twelfth and last floor, the door opens onto a long corridor covered with the same carpet. The off— white walls look like they were painted yesterday.
— Room 21, it’s there ! Said Jessy, standing in front of a door.
Gallantly, he moves aside to let me enter first. A small corridor welcomes us with the bathroom on the right and on the left a cupboard in which to hang our things. The corridor leads to a spacious bedroom, with beige carpet and white walls. Large windows reveal the lights of the city. On our right, there is a small table and two armchairs. However, there is a problem and it seems significant to me : there is only one double bed !
— OK, I said slowly. I thought it was a double room…
— Yes, me too, Jessy whispers, placing his bag on one of the seats.
— I'm going to go and ask if they don't have anything else...
— No, wait, we're not kids anymore. We are able to sleep in the same bed and still stay... behaved, right ? If that's not a problem for you ?
— It’ll be okay, don’t worry.
— Okay, it’s late, I’m going to change into my pajamas.
I'm a little embarrassed as I grab my bag before heading to the bathroom.
Jessy pinches his lips as she watches me walk away. Alone in the bathroom, I give myself a moral lesson while brushing my teeth :
Finally Megan, it’s Jessy ! You're not going to be freaked out by the idea of sleeping with him. Yes, but it's going to be the first time you're going to find yourself in bed with him. In bed with a boy. So what ? This is not the end of the world !
I take my things out of my bag for the night. As I had expected to sleep alone, I only took a large, thick T-shirt that reached above my knees !
Oh ! Damn !
After several minutes, after fixing my hair, I have to resolve to leave this room. Jessy changed while I was gone, his jeans and black sweater replaced with grey and black plaid pajama pants and a white tank top. Seeing him like this, I think that he is thinner than his usual clothes make him appear. But I also notice that his arms are muscular and his body is perfectly cut, like that of an athlete. As we stare at each other with a small, embarrassed smile, I feel my cheeks turn red.
— You look pretty even when you go to bed.
He has a funny look in his eyes when he tells me this.
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— It's the dim lights that give you that impression, I told him, smiling and pulling back the sheets towards the window. Do you mind if I take this side of the bed ?
— Perfect. I will be back.
He takes a toiletry bag and heads towards the bathroom. However, given the size of his toiletry kit, I understand that he slipped his treatment in there. He never spoke to me about the care that punctuates his existence; it was his mother who explained it to me one day when we were chatting. In front of Jessy, I always pretend nothing. He wants to keep me as far away from HIV as possible, I can't blame him for that.
He reappears a few minutes later, turns off the light before slipping to the other side of the bed. Arms crossed under his head, he stares at the ceiling.
— I still wonder what got into your brother for doing this to us, he finally said.
Lying down, I turn towards him and admire his profile which emerges in the semi darkness. From time to time, the wind moves the trees outside and strange streaks appear on his face.
— I don't know, but I intend to clarify this tomorrow. Don’t you find him… weird ?
— Weird ? No. But a little different, yes. I think that living far from his family must give him wings. He tells himself that now he can do whatever he wants.
— That’s what I think too. If my parents saw it...
And suddenly, thinking of my father, I burst into laughter. It's out of control ! Jessy turned to me and was overcome by my laughter.
— But anyway, why are you laughing like that ? he asks amusedly.
I struggle to catch my breath and lie down on my back to take a deep breath.
— It's nothing, I just imagined... imagined the face my father would make if he saw us here together, now !
— Oh, my God ! He would have already passed me through the window.
— And Nicolas would quickly join you. He's supposed to be my bodyguard to protect me from you this weekend.
— You’re talking about a bodyguard throwing you straight into my arms, he smiled.
Supporting himself on his hands, Jessy leans over me, my heart starting to beat faster.
— And what do you think your father would do if he saw me doing that ? He asks before kissing me.
This kiss reflects the passion within us. One of my hands caresses his face while, with the other, I press on the back of his neck to hold him closer to me. His tongue seeks mine while his lips return again and again to attack mine. When he moves away from me, I feel dizzy.
— I think that at a certain point, my father will no longer have a say, I answer sincerely, my arms around his neck.
Jessy stays like that for a moment, looking at me. I stroke his hair which falls over his eyes.
— We'd better sleep, he finally said. Good night.
He gives me a lip kiss before moving to his side of the bed. Arms under his head, he contemplates the shadows dancing on the ceiling.
— Good night, I said to him, suddenly cooled by his change in attitude.
I turn my back on him, searching in vain for sleep for several long minutes. At my side, I hear his breathing which is not that regular of sleepers.
— Aren't you sleeping either ?
— No, I'm not used to sharing my bed with anyone.
I see him smile.
— Honey, do you think I could sleep in your arms ?
— Meg… he sighs.
— Just once, I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in the arms of the man I love.
Jessy extends an arm towards me.
— Come here.
I slide up to him, he hugs me against his chest, his arm encircles my waist. I place my head on his heart which is beating at a frantic pace, in perfect harmony with mine. In this moment, I know that I belong in the world, exactly where I am supposed to spend my life.
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187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qt8kQ612d
When I wake up the next morning, the sun floods the room. The morning is well underway. Jessy is still asleep, clinging to my body like a castaway clinging to a lifebuoy. Slowly, I turn towards him. I could stay for hours watching him sleep. He must feel my gaze weighing on him, because he blinks and, slowly, comes out of his darkness. He seems surprised to see me there, in the crook of his arms, then asks me :
— So what did it feel like to wake up in my arms ? Was it as you imagined ?
— No, it was even better. And for you ?
— It’s confusing, he said, letting go of me.
I stand up, suddenly worried.
— What do you mean ?
— Sleeping with you is fantastic but requires a lot of control not to touch you. More than I thought. I think next night we would do better to sleep separately, it will be safer and less frustrating.
I am very divided, I understand what he feels since each time I felt him so close to me during the night, I held back from touching him, I stopped my hands from caressing his body which attracts me so much. But on the other hand, I loved spending these few hours sheltered in his arms. I experience a paradox that surprises me every day : although my boyfriend is HIV positive, it is when he holds me close that I feel safest.
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187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8uBhqE5RMe
Later that day, we met my brother at a restaurant near his house. It is an unpretentious establishment, but nicely kept, where the meals are copious for a reasonable price.
— Hello lovers !
He smiled when he saw us arrive.
— Did you sleep well ?
We take a seat around a round table where he is installed, and I retort without preamble :
— Very funny !
Nicolas looks at me stunned, I quickly understand that he has no idea what I am talking to him about.
— What possessed you to put us in the same room and, moreover, in the same bed ? Are you stupid or what ? I scold him in a low voice.
I didn't want to attack Jessy, respecting what he felt, too bad for him, it's my brother who wipes the plaster.
— What ? He said blankly, his gaze moving from Jessy to me. You never have…
I nod my head negatively. Jessy remains silent, but his cheeks have taken on a lovely rosy tint, which I'm glad about, because I can feel mine taking on the same color.
— For what ?
A waiter arrives to give us the menus, we remain silent.
— You know how the virus is transmitted, right ? Jessy questions.
— Please, I’m not that stupid.
— Then you will understand that I don't want to go any further with your sister.
Jessy gives me an indecipherable look where his passion and his reason seem to clash.
— Uh, Jess, Nick begins, speaking so quietly that I have to listen to be sure what he’s saying. Condoms exist !
— There is always a risk that things will break.
— What happens ? Once in a million ?
— It’s one time too many ! I don't want to take any risks. Do you know I could kill your sister ?
Nicolas looks at Jessy for a long time. Talking about sexuality with my brother and my boyfriend in a restaurant in New York feels more than surreal.
The waiter returns to take our orders.
— Salmon tagliatelle for me, Nick announces, handing over his menu.
— Same for me, I said without thinking.
— Yeah, for me too, Jessy added.
Once the waiter leaves for the kitchen, my brother turns his attention to my lover.
— Jess, you are not a weapon of mass destruction. When I look at you, I see a young man who apparently is madly in love with my little sister, but who is also frustrated. I don’t want to offend you, but you know that, for greater safety, in addition to the condom, you can practice withdrawal…, he whispers, making quotation marks with his fingers.
If Jessy already had a rosy complexion before, it's nothing compared to the red that invades his face. At sixteen, I'm completely new to these things technically, I listen to my brother and just understand that there is a way we can make love safely.
— That requires great mastery, Jessy ends up answering, no longer daring to take his eyes off the red and white checkered tablecloth that he is folding between his fingers without even seeming to realize it.
— Because striving not to go further than kisses perhaps doesn’t require any ? There are other methods of doing good too, not everything necessarily involves sex. Don't tell me you've never exchanged hugs ?
Jessy is redder than ever. He can no longer open his mouth, let alone look at me.
— Good ! Maybe we’ll talk about something else, I said, pleading with my brother…
— OK, whatever you want, I'll say that for you. As an elder, it is my duty to pass on my knowledge to you !
Nick displays a big smile, not bothered in the least by this conversation.
— But you know, Jess, in my opinion your blockage is psychological, not physical, nothing is stopping you from... being careful. Anyway, you know what I mean, he adds when he sees the waiter come back with our dishes.
— Yes, very good, thank you for your advice, oh you, our eldest ! My boyfriend scoffs.
— I hope you didn't plan to do anything today, because I've got a busy schedule ready for us ! But first, Jessy, tell me what kind of music you like. You, sister, I know that you listen to everything, but your darling, I don't know anything about it.
— I like a bit of everything, actually, he says, conciliatory, as he looks everywhere except at me.
— don't believe it. In fact, Jessy is a rock fan.
— Not that much.
— Barely ! In the car on the way here, we listened to the groups Queen, U2, The Divinyls and Bruce Springsteen.
— Very good taste ! And this is very good, because it turns out that this evening there is a private concert by the group Divinyls for which I managed to obtain four tickets, Nick proudly announces.
— No kidding ! I said. Oh ! I love their latest song I Touch Myself !
Nick gives Jessy a knowing look.
— What did I tell you ?
— Oh, it’s okay, it’s just a song ! Since when did you have such a perverse mind ?
— And you, since when have you behaved so reasonably ? Shit, you're young, you're in New York, far from your parents. You can do whatever you want without having to worry that I'll dump you, have a blast this entire weekend, and yet you act like an old couple ! Worse, like a couple of frigid old people !
Jessy raises his head with an amused smile, finally looks at me before looking at Nick. And all three burst out laughing.
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My brother wasn't lying when he said he had a busy day scheduled for us. After the meal, he took us to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, it is a superb museum which offers collections from all periods. We admire Egyptian antiquities, Greek, Roman and Etruscan sculptures. We tour the arts of each continent. But it’s especially the paintings that interest Jessy. There, in front of the works of the greatest artists, he vehemently comments on each line that the painter has drawn. By listening to him, we want to immerse ourselves with him in each painting to experience, through his description, the moment when the painting was created. Even Nick, who is not an art enthusiast, questions him a few times about the lives of painters.
— You are unbeatable ! He finally admitted before walking away to the next work.
— I like it, that’s all. You saw how the artist went over the same place several times to thicken the line and thus bring out this shadow. It’s fascinating work ! He exults, his eyes fixed on the painting by Claude Monet : Bath at La Grenouillère.
As I don't respond, he ends up turning his face towards me.
— What's the matter ? He asks me when he notices me staring at him.
— I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so passionate about something.
— Apart from you, you mean.
He winks at me.
— Have you gotten back into it ?
— Not really. I just made a few sketches...
— I'm sure you're not a good judge. I would like to see what you do.
— I promise, I’ll show you.
Taking my hand, we move forward to the next painting.
However, Jessy suddenly looks worried.
— What are you thinking about ?
— From what Nick told us... I think he's right.
I am speechless in astonishment.
— It’s true that we are young, but we behave as if we were overwhelmed by responsibilities. When we are in Millisky, I find it normal, because we have a lot of things to manage, but here... We are in the Big Apple, we should take advantage of this to release all the pressure, forget everything, act crazy like two teenagers for this weekend. What do you say ?
— That’s a great idea !
I doubt I'll be able to stop thinking about the illness for the rest of our stay but it's worth a try. It is true that since I met Jessy, I have matured, quite simply because circumstances pushed me to do so and it is the same for my boyfriend. When we are confronted with death, we suddenly grow up. I find my brother more of a kid than me, I have to do it ! So the idea of diving back into adolescence, of having fun without ruining our thoughts with illness and everything else around it, would do us the greatest good.
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187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ0MMRE5OoF
Next, Nick guides us through Manhattan to show us the city's most beautiful avenues. The height of the buildings impresses me, makes me feel tiny. Then we go to the World Trade Center, there under the dismayed eyes of my brother, Jessy and I run in, determined to climb as high as possible while he has no desire to do so. When evening comes, we order hot dogs from a street vendor and return to Nick's house to wait for the concert.
— What do you want to drink ? Water, I suppose ?
— A beer for me ! I asserted.
— For me too !
— Are you two sick ? Nicolas smiled.
— You shouldn't call us an old couple ! We're going to show you that we know how to have fun.
Nick brings out three beers while we take our seats like the day before on the sofa and armchair.
— And speaking of having fun, you told us you had four places for Divinyls and there are three of us. I guess you invited a girl ? Jessy asks.
— Indeed, it should not take long for her to arrive normally.
— What's her name ?
This is the first time since he’s been in New York that Nick has talked about a girlfriend. I can’t wait to meet her.
— Julia… or Jenna… shit, I don’t know…
He taps his forehead with the palm of his hand. Jessy and I exchange a surprised, but amused look.
— Wait, she’s your girlfriend and you don’t even know her name anymore !
— Well, for the short time she's going to serve me, I'm not going to force myself to remember her first name !
Jessy, who swallows a sip of beer, is overcome with laughter. At full speed, he runs to the sink to spit out what is in his mouth. Seeing him like this makes us laugh until we cry.
— My God, this one is stupid ! Writes Jessy who can no longer regain his seriousness, which makes us laugh even more.
At that moment, the doorbell rings. With teary eyes, Nicolas goes to open. A girl with long brown hair and a heart shaped face enters. She is pretty, but I find that her hazel eyes lack depth, like an empty shell.
— This is my sister, Megan, and this is Jessy, her boyfriend, says my brother.
I understand that he worded his sentence so as not to get wet.
— Enchanted, my name is Emma.
Jessy, who is standing behind me, bursts out laughing, murmuring :
— Oh, that’s not possible…
I have all the difficulty in the world to refrain from imitating him. I giggle, choke at times. Nick's laughing eyes meet mine and it's the end, I turn towards my boyfriend who is holding his sides because he is laughing, and I burst out laughing in my turn, hiding my face against his chest.
— What is happening ? Emma asks in a nonchalant voice.
— Nothing, nothing at all. I served them a beer and this is the result, added Nicolas, avoiding looking at her.
— I would like to drink one too.
— Uh… well… well no…
My brother wipes his eyes as his stuttering makes us laugh harder.
— We should go. Young people need to get some fresh air. I think this will calm them down.
Trying to catch our breath, we nod and grab our coats.
— Where did you look for that one ? Jessy questions discreetly, as we go down the stairs of the building, Emma in the lead.
— On the pavement !
A new burst of laughter comes to me as I reach the front door.
— No, but seriously, Nick defends himself. I plugged it in on the sidewalk in front of the university three days ago.
— And had you already forgotten his name ?
— Actually, I got it mixed up. Julia, was that the one from last week... or the week before ?
— That’s not true, Jessy murmurs, tears in his eyes as he struggles to stop laughing.
When we leave the building, we take a deep breath of fresh air. Nicolas will join Emma who is moving a little ahead of us, while I walk behind with Jessy.
— I don’t think I’ve laughed like that in ages, he comments, putting his arm around my neck.
The concert takes place in a small hall, a few hundred meters from Nicolas's house. A crazy world is already waiting. Fortunately Nick already has his tickets, which allows us to pass in front of those waiting in line hoping to buy some. And given the number of people waiting, there will be a lot of disappointed people tonight. We enter the room, which must have been a theater before. A large stage faces us: on each side, large red curtains are hung. Around us, small balconies rise on two floors, again draped in red velvet. In front of us, the seats have been removed, freeing up a larger area to accommodate the public. There are already a few people there, but we are well placed about ten rows from the stage. After long minutes of waiting during which the crowd rushes into the room, the group goes on stage, first the musicians who start to play, then Chrissy Amphlett appears singing the first words of Bullet. Immediately, it’s madness. Screams ring out from the four corners of the room. The singer is very pretty with her long red hair that falls on her shoulders and her bangs on her forehead, her heavy makeup that highlights the curves of her lips and her eyes. Her black clothes : bustier, shorts and thigh high boots are faithful to Chrissy's sexy side. The songs follow one another, the audience always ready to accompany the group. We sing, we dance, we jump up and down, all united by the music the group plays. When the first notes of I’m on Your Side resonate, Jessy hugs my waist.
— It’s our song, he whispers in my ear.
I look at him, surprised.
— You don't remember ? She's the one who was passing over the hill the first time we kissed.
— Of course I do, I remember it, but I'm surprised that you remember it.
He smiles. Then looking at my brother, he said to me :
— Look at.
I turn my head to see Nick hugging a girl, but it's not Emma. This one is small and blonde. I look up at Jessy, who shrugs, looking as dismayed as I do. The concert ends with a round of applause. An encore is requested and the group returns to sing I Touch Myself. The crowd sings the words, accompanying Chrissy who seems to revel in this moment of sharing. At the end of the song, she looks at the audience and says :
— Thank you all for coming and see you soon !
I approach my brother and touch his shoulder.
— Where is Emma ?
— No idea ! She left furious when I told her she was dull !
— You didn’t say that ? Ask Jessy.
— Of course yes ! It's true, no ? Good riddance ! Especially since I had a much better evening without her !
Around us, people are heading towards the exit, jostling us slightly.
— We noticed ! Who was this blonde girl ?
— No idea, Nick repeats with a big, innocent smile.
It is after midnight when we go out. The coolness of the night hits us all at once. It was so hot in the room that we forgot it was only February. I pull my coat tighter around my body as we walk home. I'm shivering.
— It's not hot.
Jessy takes me by the waist and hugs me against him, while continuing to walk, thus transmitting a little of his warmth to me.
— It's better ?
Grateful, I nod.
Nick looks at a flower bed we pass by whose foliage is turning white.
— No wonder, it’s freezing. Let's hurry home.
We press on in silence. Arriving in front of our hotel, my brother leaves us. We will find him in the morning.
— It’s better here, I said, entering our room.
— I don’t know about you, but I loved this concert !
— Oh yes ! Me too. There was a crazy atmosphere. On the other hand, I wonder what Nick is playing ?
— It’s true that sometimes I find it hard to believe that you are brother and sister because you are so different, especially here.
— Well, he'll get over it when he gets back to Millisky. Come on, I'm going to brush my teeth.
I take my nightgown with me and, a few minutes later, I'm ready to go to bed. Like the day before, Jessy takes my place in the bathroom and turns off the light before sitting down in bed. Given what he told me in the morning, I'm not trying to get close to him.
— Good night.
He kisses me on the lips. Then he lies down with his back to me. I turn to my side, but with my eyes wide open, I look at the city lights through the bay window. After a while, I hear Jessy's steady breathing. I understand that he fell asleep even though sleep desperately eludes me. Slowly, so as not to wake him, I get up to go towards the glass facade. With my hands placed on the glass, I feel the cold from outside mixing with the heat of the room. I think about what my brother said to Jessy this afternoon. I have to admit that he is right on many points, especially when he says that my boyfriend has a psychological blockage, how could it be otherwise when it was through making love that he was contaminated ? Love betrayed him. Despite everything, I realize how lucky I am to be with him, especially when I compare his behavior to that of Nick. I have the happiness of being in a stable relationship, in which I can completely trust my partner, how many can say the same ? Lost in my thoughts, I don't hear Jessy get up. Tenderly, one of his hands rests on mine while, with the other, he clasps my waist.
— What are you thinking about at this time ? He whispers in my ear.
— I told myself that we are very lucky to have found each other.
His hand leaves mine, he brushes my hair away from my neck. Soon, I feel his warm breath on my neck, then his mouth brushes my skin in a long kiss that makes me shiver.
— I love you, Megan.
I turn towards him and put my arms around his neck. My face is only a few centimeters from his. In his eyes I see the sincerity of his feelings.
— I love you too, darling.
He leans towards me to kiss me passionately. His body presses against mine as his hands move up my back. I feel his cock waking up and hold on to him tighter. When he breaks away from me, he takes my hand to guide me towards the bed.
— Wait, I’ll be back, he said to me before disappearing into the bathroom.
He comes out pretty quickly. I am lying in my place, on my back. I shiver when he lifts the white cotton sheets to come join me. Outside, the street lamps illuminate our room with a subdued light. He slides over to me and I feel his body lie on top of mine. One of his hands caresses my thigh and pulls my nightgown up to my stomach. I shiver with desire as I feel his fingers touch my bare skin. He senses it and stops his actions.
— You want me to stop ?
He stands up to see my face.
— Especially not !
Without knowing how, my nightgown ends up on the carpet. A desire I've never seen before shines in Jessy's eyes. I feel myself blushing from head to toe. When he leans towards me again, I slip my hands under his tank top and take it off. I caress the skin of his chest covered in a light fuzz of hair, then I slide my hands down his back, pulling him closer to me. His skin is soft under my fingers which slip into his pajamas which I begin to pull down. Meanwhile, Jessy's lips roam my chest, covering it with fiery kisses. Suddenly, he stops and drops down next to me.
— I’m sorry, he whispered, covering his eyes with his hands. I can’t do that.
At first stunned, I approach him.
— It’s okay, I said to him quietly, removing his hands. You're not going to hurt me.
— Yes... I could kill you.
I caress his face and feel salt water under my fingers.
— Don’t cry, darling, please don’t cry. Look at me, everything is fine.
We speak quietly in a confidential tone as if someone might surprise us at any moment.
— I don't understand how you can touch me when everything about me disgusts me.
I place my chin on his chest and place a kiss there.
— I love you so much if you knew…
— How can you love me when I hate myself ?
— How can you hate yourself when I love you ?
He smiles and caresses my cheek.
— I'm sorry, I won't be able to... not tonight.
— It's not serious. Look what we have right now, we could continue like this…, I said, starting to stroke his chest again. We just have to take it slowly..., I lean over him before kissing him. Just caresses and the rest will come later...
Just as suddenly as he stopped, Jessy rolls me onto the bed. He is now above me, regaining his rights over my body which is just waiting to yield to him.
— I was hoping you’d tell me that, he whispers into the crook of my neck.
Now that I know we're on the same wavelength, my hands grow bolder as they roam over his skin, rolling his muscles beneath my fingers. Soon his hand slips between my thighs, making me moan under his expert caresses. The metal of his rings is cold against my hot skin. A pang of jealousy pierces my heart. I am not the first to savor his tenderness. Faced with my lack of experience, I tensed up. Jessy senses it, seeming to read my thoughts.
— Are you jealous, my love ? (He gives an amused smile.) Don’t be, I’ve dreamed of this moment so much that I feel like I already know your body by heart, he whispers in my ear.
In response, I tilt him so that he ends up on his back. There, with clumsy movements, I take off his pants while covering his body with a thousand kisses. He groans and flips me onto the bed again. I let out little cries at this unknown pleasure while his tongue roams the top of my body. I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. I moan out of breath :
— I love you.
Unable to hold back any longer, I grab Jessy's face and kiss her, moaning as I cum for the first time in my life. When I surface from this orgasm, we roll on the bed, my hands leave his cheeks, I sit on his thighs and lean down to kiss his neck. Despite my lack of experience, I notice that he is wearing a condom and I tell myself that this is what he had gone to do in the bathroom earlier. My movements are clumsy, without saying anything, Jessy places one of his hands on mine and guides me to make the back and forth movements on his penis. After a few seconds, he lets me continue alone while his hands close on my breasts which he gently caresses.
— No… wait, he murmurs without much conviction as I run my fingers over the tip of his penis.
I decide to ignore it, continuing the exploration of his body. He bites his lower lip and moans my name several times. Only my instinct now dictates my actions. He lets himself do so while his hands don't leave my body. Soon his breathing is ragged, he lets out a groan, his body relaxes after having suddenly stiffened. He runs his hands up my back and pulls me against his chest as he tries to catch his breath.
— Wow, he breathes into my hair.
— That’s exactly what I told myself earlier, I told him with a big smile.
He kisses me tenderly before pulling up his underwear and getting up. He goes back into the bathroom, I hear the water in the shower running. Meanwhile, I find my panties in the bed, put them back on as well as my old T-shirt that was lying on the floor. He comes out with damp hair.
— How are you ? I inquire.
He comes back into bed, takes me in his arms, his hand grabs mine and he starts playing with my fingers.
— Right now it couldn’t be better, he smiled.
— Do you think the shower was essential ?
— I don't know, but I don't want to take any risks. You got dressed again, he notices, disappointed.
— I was cold without you.
He hugs me tighter against him. We fall asleep tenderly snuggled up against each other.
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187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XamgdrR7D
In a half-sleep, I reach out my hand to Jessy. There she encounters emptiness and that’s what takes me completely out of my dreams. I then have the feeling of a weight on my body. Looking down, I realize that my lover is hugging my waist while his head, face turned towards the bay window, rests on my stomach. I touch his hair.
— Hi !
He gives me a big smile as he turns to look at me.
— I thought you were sleeping.
— No, I've been awake for a while. I watched you sleep and then...
—...You got lost in your thoughts.
— Exactly. I think that night was the most beautiful of my entire life.
— For me too.
He stands up and kisses me.
— It's not just because of what happened.
With his cheek resting on his hand, he stares at me intensely.
— Usually, when I'm at home, alone in the dark, all kinds of ideas run through my head during the night. In fact, it's the time I hate the most in the day, I'm overwhelmed by anxiety. Sometimes it gets to the point where I get up to go for a walk just to tire myself out so I don't have to think anymore. But last night... (He shakes his head negatively.) Every time I moved, I felt you following my movement. I turned around, you slipped behind me like a protective shadow. I don't know if you were aware of that ?
I shake my head no and he continues :
— That’s exactly what I thought, and it’s all the more powerful for me. For the first time in a long time, I didn't have anxiety, worse, I even imagined a future. You realize ? Me, a future !
I ask him, touching his lips with my fingertips :
— What did you imagine in your future life ?
He lies on his back, his gaze suddenly distant.
— I saw myself drawing, painting, creating works that could one day be exhibited in major museums. I visualized the
progress in medical research that would one day allow me to live normally, finally free of this virus shit. And then, I saw you, by my side, every day of my life sharing this existence which, of course, I imagined to be perfect.
Do you think about the future sometimes ?
— Each day.
— What do you see there ?
— You. I know that sounds cliché, but it's true, when I look at the future, it's you that I see there quite simply because I can no longer imagine my life without you.
Jessy sits on the bed, his face serious, avoiding my gaze.
— You should build projects without me... I won't always be there...
I stand up and placing a kiss on his shoulder, I say :
— My life without you would be meaningless. And then you know, the future is what we are going to do in the next few minutes, we have to make every second count.
He turns towards me, flips me onto the pillows.
— What time should we meet your brother ?
— He’ll wait for us !
And I place my lips on his.
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187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7kVv7XMd6
Yesterday's sun has given way to a grey and foggy sky where rain threatens to fall at any moment.
— Oh well, all the same ! I've been waiting for you for an hour !
— Sorry, I say to Nick as we enter his apartment. We had a hard time waking up after last night's concert.
Nicolas looks at us in turn, gives a little knowing smile, but, fortunately, refrains from any comment.
We spend the day visiting other places in New York. We take a shuttle to Ellis Island, we climb the three hundred and fifty-four steps of the Statue of Liberty where, from the top of her crown, we should have had a magnificent view of Manhattan, but because of the bad weather , only the fog presents itself to our eyes. It's still a strange feeling to feel so small next to this immense monument. Then Nick takes us to the Midtown district to discover new works at the Museum of Modern Art; here again Jessy enjoys commenting on various works that meet his amazed gaze. We stay in the front for a long time The Starry Night by Van Gogh which is, for me, the most beautiful painting in the museum. We end the day admiring the breathtaking view from the eighty-sixth floor of the Empire State Building. To end this day in style, my brother invites us to dinner in a French restaurant in Manhattan. Jessy and I no longer know how to thank Nicolas who really went out of his way to please us, inviting us everywhere, throughout this weekend. When I ask him where he gets the money from, he simply tells me that my father made a transfer that was a little higher than usual.
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187Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAoGWVt2G9
When Jessy and I return to the hotel to spend this last night, we are happy to finally be alone. As soon as the door to our room closes, we are in each other's arms. For a long and tender moment we savor the contact of our bodies like the previous night.
Yet the next morning, I wake up feeling melancholy. It didn't take long for my boyfriend to notice.
As I'm snuggled in his arms, he replaces a lock of my hair.
— What's wrong ?
It is rare that I have low morale; on the contrary, I am often the one who comforts him.
— We're going back to Millisky later. I would have liked to stay here.
— Yeah, me too, but sooner or later we have to go back.
— I'm going to miss not sleeping with you anymore.
Because returning home also means the end of our nights together. We will return to our parents, high school and the daily routine of our relationship. This New York escapade brought us so close that I fear we will drift apart once we return.
— We quickly get used to my arms, jokes Jessy, but seeing that I don't want to laugh, he continues seriously : we will find a solution to always be as close.
I sigh as I think of my parents forcing me to come home before nightfall.
— I don't see how.
— You trust me ?
I nod.
— Then we'll find a way.
Before leaving, we meet my brother to eat one last hot dog together in the sunny alleys of Central Park. This place ends our stay. I look at this greenery, these magnificent gardens, these sculpted bridges and my desire to stay in this city grows even more. But Jessy kindly reminds me that it’s time to go home.
— You come back whenever you want, Nicolas tells us while we are in front of Jessy's car, ready to take the road home.
Our travel bags are in the trunk, all we have to do is leave.
— Play the game with the parents, OK ? I told them that I had been watching you closely and that you were quite upset with me, so be careful.
— Thank you, Nick, thank you for everything.
Jessy gives him a big hug. I see my brother say something in my boyfriend's ear, he nods in agreement.
— Thank you very much, Nick.
I throw myself at his neck and hold him very tightly against me.
— You're welcome, little head ! I'm serious, you come back whenever you want. And you know, I'm probably going to come see you on spring break.
— I thought you were going to Florida with your friends ?
— It is, but not for two weeks, so I’ll pop over to Millisky.
— I love you, Nick.
— Me too, little sister. Take care of your lover, OK ?
— Carefree.
I loosen my grip.
— Yeah, I thought I noticed there was progress. He's less stuck. What exactly did you do to him ?
— Nick, shut up !
I tap him on the shoulder.
— Don’t worry, I understand everything. Given your tired eyes, you'll be able to catch up on your sleep now that you're no longer going to "sleep" in the same bed, he continues, making quotation marks with his fingers, like he did at the restaurant with Jessy.
I want to hit him again, but he avoids the blow and bursts into a loud burst of mocking laughter.
Suddenly, something obvious hits me : I don’t love my brother, I adore him ! I give him a big, sounding kiss on the cheek before getting into the car. Jessy starts and, too quickly for my liking, we move away from Nicolas, exchanging hand signals.
— Let me guess, Jessy said as we left New York, did your brother tell you to take care of me ?
— How do you know ?
— Because he recommended that I take care of his little sister !
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Night begins to fall when we arrive in Millisky. Seeing the town sign on the side of the road, Jessy and I exchange a meaningful look. We are torn between the joy of finding our families and the sadness of soon being separated.
— I'll take you back first.
— Since it is necessary !
— I feel like I'm leading a condemned woman to the scaffold.
I smile back.
— Still not, but I'm going to miss you.
We arrived in front of my house. Jessy cuts the engine, leans towards me to kiss me.
— I'm going to miss you too. I love you, Meg…
Suddenly there is a knock on my window, we both jump.
This is my father. I immediately notice that something is wrong, his features are drawn and his complexion seems too pale under the neon lighting of the street.
I lower my tile.
— Hello, Dad, we were just saying goodbye…
— We are all here. We need to talk to you, both of you come home ! he orders, his face serious, before heading back towards the house where my mother and Elise are watching us from behind the living room windows.
Pale, I turn to my boyfriend who returns my panicked look, and I whisper to him :
— We're in trouble !
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