Because in life, what you really want will never come easy.
I felt like I don’t belong in Heaven.
Every ticking second was a living torture in me. I was scared of the clock. But my only thought was her. In and out she went along with my breath. My thoughts of her would always lead my feet back to her.
Anna had been more forgetful this time.
I knew she had been when I didn’t find her at their front porch on that day. Her mother opened the door for me and she shook her head. Words didn’t have to pass between us but there was an understanding. But I continued my visits. There were times she forgets about everything and there were times she knew me. The more she forgets the more I become persistent of reminding her. Sometimes I think I was born because my purpose was to help her get through this. Maybe angels were also born. I hate to consider myself as one but I think angels live in the kindness we share with others. And that purpose: reminding Anna—made the deed worth it.
“You know what,” she said one day when I took her out to stroll the boulevard. “You look familiar to me. I don’t know…” she shrugged. “It’s awkward that I’m going out with a stranger I think I know. Like I’m trying to understand what I already understood.” She turned to check my reaction and she wrinkled her nose. “Do I confuse you? I’m sorry. I’m very confusing lately. A lot of question marks in the air.”
I just smiled at her. “I think we’ve met thousands of life times already.”
She giggled. “Like the soul mate thing?”
I shrugged and she giggled again.
“I can’t explain why you are so familiar to me. But… the more I get to be with you, the more I get to know you, and the more I become close to you feels like remembering who you are.” she sighed with the incoherent—fathomless of words.
“Your eyes, your smile…” she looked down at our intertwined hands. “…your touch, gives me the idea that somewhere in my head, in my heart… I have loved you before. Maybe in another lifetime, in another place or in another existence.”
She wrinkled her nose at me again. “Is it hard to believe?”
“No.” I said quietly. “I believe you.”
“You’re like this boy visiting my dreams.”
“What’s he like? Is he as charming and handsome as I am?”
She snorted. “He’s annoying, hilarious…” she smiled as she savored the memories that formed in her head. “He’s a creepy stalker. Sometimes, in my dreams, he makes me yell. He’s driving me crazy and I think he’s out of his mind.”
I guffawed and she frowned at me.
“I think my memories hide in the most complicated of places inside my head.”
“I have a girl in my dreams too.”
She raised an eyebrow at my direction. “What’s she like?”
I was tempted to brush my hand on the strands of her hair, touch her cheek with the tips of my fingers, and kiss her lips with mine.
“She’s everything I want.” I said.
She smiled and the air brought rose petals on her pale cheeks.
***
As I watch Heaven sleep, realizations came into the surface like docking boats to shore. Nothing in life is free, there are always strings attached. Sometimes it takes brains to make detours simpler.
If you’re wondering how I’m still awake—I continue breathing as she continues breathing.
I let my hand fall to her hair and I carefully brushed my way to its silky touch, memorizing each strand it passes all the way down. But as I pulled away my hand, a few strands of her hair lingered on my fingers. My heart was hammered down by another set of ticking clocks. Heaven opened her eyes and they searched mine.
“Dom,” she said. I was so startled with her hair on my fingers and my name on her lips. She remembered me but I was too preoccupied of the deadline.
Blinking back the tears, I smiled back at her. “Hmm?”
“Are you scared?” she whispered.
“Just now.” I admitted. “Are you scared?”
She pursed her lips and nodded.
“I’ve never been scared of death.” She took a deep breath. “My only concern is that no one’s there that I know of. It’s like death is in another universe.” She sniffled and I could feel her pulling back a sob. “Mama’s here, you are here. Then I was scared.
All my life since I knew I was dying, I tried killing myself. And then, you came along and I started living it. Now, I don’t know what to do. I wish my life doesn’t have to end. I wish dying is just a part of a nightmare and I’d wake up seeing you again.”
Tears finally flowed down her cheeks. My tongue got stuck in my throat. I don’t know what to say. Here she is, the girl of my dreams, trying to make sense—trying to say goodbye to me and I’m tongue-tied.
“I love you, Dom.” She said. “I’m sorry if I don’t get to say it to you more than you deserve.”
My heart was plummeted to the ground and the rush of emotions overwhelmed me that I burst into tears before her eyes. My head dropped beside her face as uncontrollable tears made its way to her pillow. Her nose touched the tip of my ear and I hear her soft sobs, I felt her tears as they flowed down from her eyes to my skin.
I don’t know how long we were entangled in each other’s arms. It was like the universe just let us take the time to cry. Maybe… it wasn’t that easy to say goodbye. It’s easy to spell the words out but it’s hard to let the feelings die.469Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvgFdzUSDz
