There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are closed,
With a word she can get what she came for
And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven
__________
Dear Diary,
The attack came too quickly like a speed of light. It ignited a fuse inside my head and I was counting the seconds until the bomb explodes. I didn’t know how I survived yesterday. But I was glad it was over.
The wind was cold as they pierced my skin. I ran away from Dominic because I was afraid. I was afraid that if he knew, he would go away. In a room where he’d lock all the doors and shut all the windows and I wouldn’t reach him. I was afraid that if he knew, he’d want to share the pain.
I forgot to close the door when I got inside the house. The pain only matters. I rushed to my room in search for that single pill that would drive all the pain away. My hands shook as I searched for the container. Another arrow struck and I cried out in pain. I hated the way I hear myself. It felt like hearing a banshee’s cry in my own room.
Mama!!! I screamed.
I fell on the floor and I tried to grab on to my pillow but my fingers could only reach for the sheets. I grasped on to it. I gritted my teeth to the extent they’re gonna break. The pain was blinding and all I can see are the whites that penetrated my room.
I saw mama’s silhouette as she entered my room and knelt beside me. I could not hear the words that came out her mouth. The static had made me dumb to the sounds. Even her touch was grounding me. I felt shaking. The world turned and darkness settled in.
At least the abyss was salvation. There was no pain in it.
Dr. Newman said the attacks will be more frequent than before now that the tumor had grown. I didn’t know what would happen next. I didn’t know what next I would lose first.
Sometimes I just think of happy thoughts when I’m in pain. Think of happy thoughts and you will fly. Peter Pan said. But there are no pixie dusts in this world. There’s only pain that shackles us for life and disallows us to fly.
I was never afraid of the dark. I just feared the thought of not seeing the light again if I stay any longer. And when I woke up earlier today, I was glad to see the light. I was glad not to feel the pain.
I didn’t feel like going to school. My whole body’s exhausted. The mind works with a bargain and when it’s in charge, the body bends. When it shuts down, the body does the same. But when the heart commands, the mind sets aside. But the heart is unchangeable while the mind can always be persuaded.
I could not contain my own feelings towards Dominic. It felt like my heart does all the thinking and my mind does the changing. He felt like medicine to me. I needed him the most and it made me go mad.
When I saw him earlier today, I ran up to him and I hugged him tightly. He asked me what’s wrong but I just buried my nose on the side of his neck and I pulled him closer to me. He smelled of cologne but it wasn’t too strong for my nose. My voluptuous act was embarrassing to me, if he did mind it, he didn’t let it show. Instead, he hugged me back with the same force with the constant understanding without speaking any words.
I felt like crying in his arms. I felt like I should deprive myself of him. It would be unfair. I knew I should let him go. But I found myself stuck with a boy who fills me with so much joy. I couldn’t feel the pain with him. Because the moment I met him, everything had already changed.
“Describe me in one word. “ I told him when he walked me home.
He sneered at me. “Mine.”
I sighed. “That’s one of the reasons why I don’t want a boyfriend.”
He raised an eyebrow at me.
I leaned in like I was whispering a secret. “I don’t want to be owned.” I added and his insolent smile faded. I peered at him and he looked like a lost puppy.
I chuckled. “I was just joking. I actually have many.”
He gawked at me. “Now you’re joking.”
“I personally think it’s funny hanging out with you.”
His eyebrows creased. “Why?”
He stopped in front of me and I watched the sun beamed behind him. I smiled a little. He looked luminous. “Because life is much easier and much harder when I’m with you.”
He snorted. “Blame it to the universe. It’s ironic.”
“There are a lot of things I feel for you that I don’t feel for anyone else, Dominic Savio.”
He simpered at me. “Not even your boyfriends?”
I frowned at him. “You’re the only boyfriend I had.”
He frowned too. “I thought you said—”
“I lied.” I winked at him.
“Ha-ha.” He narrowed his eyes at me. “I bet I can make you tell me your secrets. All of them.”
I tapped my chin. “Not by the hair of my chiny-chin-chin.”
“If I say I love you, would you say—”
“I love you too.” I said and I leaned in to kiss him on the lips. “I’m sorry if it had taken me this long.”
He looks appalled. “Are you sure? You might change your mind.”
“What makes you think I’d change my mind?” I copied his answer from days before.
He cupped my face and he kissed me again. I’d like to savor his kiss. But time’s always fleeting with us. Just like riding a jet plane. It’s never as slow as the revolution of the earth around the sun.
This is what I hate about this story. The ironic thing about life is that it cuts your story in the middle of something good for no good and explanatory reason. Just when I keep on turning the pages, I never want to see the last page.
We bid our goodbyes with one last kiss. I stood by the pathway as I watch him leave. At the curve of our block he kept on coming back and forth. It felt like he doesn’t want to disappear. I was just glad he was too far away to see the tears falling down my eyes as I watched him go.
Now I know why most people say they’re tired when they’re sad. It’s not because it’s what they feel. It’s what their mind tells them that they feel. When the head makes the decision though and the heart doesn’t mind, the body just surrenders.
And when the time comes when you believe everything is finished. That’ll be the beginning.
Without Wax,
Anna
ns 15.158.61.12da2
